We all knew it would be a shit storm when the GOP got together to nominate Donald Trump in Cleveland. But even I didn’t think it would actually turn into a a convention hall where folks would be running for the bathrooms instead of the exits.
Apparently, though, they are. Because the GOP doesn’t just have a shitty candidate, they have norovirus:
The virus can be caught through contact from infected people or surfaces, or through consuming contaminated food or water. Norovirus inflames the stomach, the intestines, or both. Symptoms include stomach pain, nausea, diarrhea and vomiting. (Washington Post)
Of course, their candidate has been producing shit from his mouth and making the rest of the world vomit and crap their pants in fear since he announced he was running last year. And then again each time he speaks.
But with the norovirus taking hold of the delegates, I’m wondering if Mr. Trump needs a new form of transportation to make sure those delegates fill the convention hall to listen to the crazy line up of misogynists, racists and fear mongers.
Don’t you think that they should be riding in this fine vehicle:
Picture Credit: Father Kaine’s The Last of the Milleniums. Where else? He finds the best things.
Elections matter.
Register.
Vote.
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If this isn’t a metaphor for today’s GOP, I don’t know what is.
Balls are not allowed at next week’s GOP convention where the politicians who haven’t had the balls to stand up to Little Fingers Don until now will nominate him to be their candidate for President of the FUCKING UNITED STATES!
Image from thumbs.dreamtime.com
Of course, in another expected metaphor, these same folks responded to the latest mass shooting of police officers in Dallas by adding language stating opposition to restricting magazine capacity & banning AR-15 rifles. There was no debate.
Here. I’ll help you pack. Other things that you can’t bring to the GOP convention (since I know you’re going) include: knives of all sorts, lumber, coolers and cots. Num chucks have to be left in the hotel room, as do your fireworks.
I did not notice rotten tomatoes on the list, so stock up! There will be a run on them in Cleveland, I’m sure.
But because Ohio is an “open-carry” state, you can bring guns.
What could be better than drunk GOP ammosexuals with their guns? Image credit epano.com
What could possibly go wrong?
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It seems that while there is nothing new under the sun, there’s a lot of new stuff in bogs. New-ish stuff. New-to-me-and-you stuff.
Sometimes it’s just horse shit.
But sometimes it’s special. Special horse shit. That, apparently, is a thing.
You see, some folks dug up some old shit and decided they know who put it there.
Hannibal!
In a study published Monday in the journal Archaeometry, researchers argue that new evidence in the form of some very old poop might hold the key to solving this mystery once and for all.
Yup! Using ancient horse shit, scientists are pretty sure they’ve figured out Hannibal’s route over the Alps.
They say that microbial evidence suggests a “mass animal deposition” (a.k.a. poop) occurred in the Col de Traversette pass in 218 B.C. — just when Hannibal was making his journey to Rome. By digging around in a peaty bog along the pass, the researchers found what they think are microbes usually associated with horse manure.
“Over 70% of the microbes in horse dung are from a group known as Clostridia and we found these microbes in very high numbers in the bed of excrement,” study author of Queens University wrote in an article for the Conversation.
I’m afraid I don’t know these guys personally, But Fox News tells me they are from Queens University in Belfast. And who am I to doubt Fox? This may be a FoxNews photo, too. But I got it from Google. I love you Google. Fox? Not so much. I do love the Alps, though. Does that help?
Now, you might ask, where are those legendary elephants? I don’t know.
Here’s what they say:
Horses trudging through the Alps are suspicious, but solid evidence of elephants in their company might close this case for good. Until then, Allen and his colleagues will have to keep probing the poop and surrounding areas for more clues.
There are also reports of horsey tape worms. But I do believe that that is a subject for another fake medical expert’s blog. It’s bad enough that I did two poop posts in a row. This is becoming a pattern.
Oh, and I personally have experience with horse poop of the European variety. See: https://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2012/05/24/me-and-julie/
Sometimes, a woman just has to accept her fate. Shitty though it may be.
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I got TWO!
I recommend Karen Kingsley and Kingsley Ink
The Highest Honor
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