Category Archives: All The News You Need

A Royal Flush

It’s hard to think of Switzerland without thinking about money.

After all, that’s where I personally hide my ill-gotten gains; isn’t it where you stored yours?  Zurich is flush with cash — but it’s nothing to Geneva, home to private banking with a twist.

Beau-Rivages

Above is a picture of my favorite Geneva hotel.  Oh, no, I never stayed there.  But it is conveniently located on the waterfront in Geneva, and it has the most delightful bathrooms in the lobby.   It’s like hitting the jackpot of potties.

But in all of the times I slipped in there to use the facilities, I never once got any money there.  After the article I just read, I gotta say, I was gypped.  Cheated. Scammed.

Maybe I should have gone to a restaurant for my pitt stop.

Because three different restaurants in the financial district of Geneva had their toilets stopped up with €500 notes, each of which is worth about $600.  Yup.  It’s true.

Geneva toilets flush with cash

It seems that they were flushed down a toilet and, well, what came up would make Jed Clampett happy.

Me?  I would have loved to get something back for my years of running to the bathroom.  I didn’t.  So I’m pissed.

 

26 Comments

Filed under 2017, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, All The News You Need, Assholes, Class Act, Criminal Activity, Dreams, Dying Dreams, Europe, Geneva Stories, Holy Shit, Huh?, Humor, I Can't Get No, Not something you hear about every day, Oh shit, Seriously weird, Stupid things happen in other countries too! Who knew!

Don’t Make Me Do It

You won’t be at all surprised to learn that I am sitting here at my computer figuratively shitting bricks about the latest news about the latest attempt of the Senate GOP to repeal Obamacare.

I’ve already written to my Senators (who will vote against it, they’re both Dems), to Senator Collins and Murkowski urging them to stand fast.  I sent a link to my story of how loss of insurance in 1982 led me to a suicide attempt (albeit a stupid one) to Senator John McCain.  I’ve called everybody I can.

You can reach your senators via this link:

https://www.senate.gov/

You can call your Senators via this phone number

(202) 224-3121

Because if we don’t succeed, I will have to take drastic measures.  And I know just what to do.

I recently read an article about a “Mad Pooper” who is on the loose in Colorado Springs, Colorado.  She’s a jogger, who periodically drops her drawers and poops.

 

Now, in spite of 45 years of bowel problems, I do have a smattering of pride left.  So I don’t want to do this.

But loss of insurance once led me to contemplate drastic action with a tetherball thing-y on Capitol property.  Dropping my drawers and producing something nasty would be a breeze.  And I will poop up and down the hallways of the United States Senate.

So call your Senators.  Get them to vote AGAINST the Cassidy-Graham bill.

Cassidy-Graham

DON’T MAKE ME DO IT

CALL YOUR SENATORS

202-224-3121

 

 

27 Comments

Filed under 'Merica, 2017, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Assholes, Cancer on Society, Chronic Disease, Class Act, Clusterfuck, Criminal Activity, Crohn's Disease, Curses!, Cut it out, 2017!, Disgustology, Do GOP Voters Actually THINK?, Elections Matter, GOP, Health, Health and Medicine, Holy Shit, Just Do It and I'll Shut Up!, Justice, Kakistocracy, Make Resistance Fun, Melanoma, Mental Health, My Right to Protest, Nobody's gonna excavate my poop. I hope., Not something you hear about every day, Oh shit, Passive Aggression, Peaceful Protests, Politician Pussies, Poop Power, Shit, Shit Your Pants Scary, Shitty GOP, Stupidity, Suicide Attempts, Taking Care of Each Other, Washington, Wild Beasts, WTF?

Vincente for Presidente

Do yourself a favor and watch this campaign ad.  You know you want to.

12 Comments

Filed under 'Merica, 2020, All The News You Need, All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance, Campaigning, Class Act, Clusterfuck, Cool people, Crazy Folks In Office, Crazy Folks Running, Donald Trump, Donald Trump is a Pussy Too, Elections, Elections Matter, Fuckin' Donald Trump, Global Warming, Good Deed Doers, How the Hell Did We GET HERE?, Humor, Incompetent Trump Minions, Kakistocracy, keys to success, Make Resistance Fun, My Right to Protest, Not My President, Peaceful Protests, Putin's President, Resistance is not futile, Saving the World, Seriously funny, Taking Care of Each Other, Trump, Trump Legally Declared a Slug, Trump Mis-Administration, Trump's Mistakes Mount Up, TrumpDon'tCare, What a Maroon, What a Putz, What must folks in other countries be thinking?, Wild Beasts, WTF?

Why Didn’t I Think Of That?

Hello, yeah, it’s been a while.  Not much, how ’bout you?

There really is no reason.  In fact, this particular post is over due.  I had blog backup and no plunger.

***

For my first post back after a long break, you know I’m goin’ there.  But that is why you came, isn’t it?

Yup.  I read an article.  Several articles actually.  My bad.

This one provides important information to the travelers among us.

The Best Time To Poop On A Plane, According To A Flight Attendant

I will summarize for you, because I have experience in this matter.

The best time to poop on a plane is right after the seat belt light goes off or when the drinks cart comes.  The first is usually pretty early in the flight, so really, you should have taken care of that before you got on the plane.  Unless you’re me — and then you did it then, too.

Second, is a story about a man with whom I should have had children.  We could certainly reach a happy medium:

Doctors remove 28 POUNDS of feces from man, 22, who was constipated

Poop -- HUGE

I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be cradling 28-29 lbs of poop quite so tenderly.  But perhaps that’s just me.Enter a caption

Lastly, the third story, required by the peculiarities of comedy writing, is something I am shaking my head about, well, my butt tto, because really — I should have thunk of this idea first.  If ever a business model stinks of “Elyse,” well, this is it:

A poop-themed restaurant is about to break wind in Toronto*

Yup.  A business model that practically screams “ELYSE!!!” Here’s the ummmm, scoop on it.

Toronto’s new Poop Café will feature a “unique selection of desserts from around the world,” according to a Facebook post from the café’s profile. While the restaurant will serve dishes that are brown and shaped like poop (kind of like the poop emoji), not every dish will look like feces.

I for one am glad that not all of this restaurant’s dishes will look like poop. That’s important to me in the pre-poop stage of nutrient intake.  I like to have a wee bit of anticipation on that score.

Soft serve chocolate.

Not half bad.  Unless it’s been digested first.  Google image.

 

*My apologies to my Canadian friends.  Just when you guys are basking in the glory of a delightful leader, I go and laugh at your poop cafe.  Sorry.  But it IS a poop-themed cafe.  What did you want me to do?

53 Comments

Filed under 'Merica, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Assholes, Bat-shit crazy, Crohn's Disease, Don't Make Me Puke, Donald Trump, Gross, Holy Shit, Huh?, Humor, Jeff Sessions, Mom would die of embarrassment, Nobody's gonna excavate my poop. I hope., Not something you hear about every day, Oh shit, Poop, Poop Power, Shit happens, Taking Care of Each Other, WTF?

Warning. Do not try this at home. Or anywhere else.

Yes, I realize that it’s been a while since I granted you all the benefits of my fake medical expert advice.  Sorry.

It’s just that poop news has been rather crappy lately.  What’s a specialist to do?

So for this post, I’m going to go out on a ledge.  Write what I don’t know.  Venture into a whole ‘nuther area of specialization.  I feel qualified because this area of specialty is in the same, errrr,  ball park.  Geographically speaking.  Certainly based on adolescent conversation, anyway.

You see, I read an article recently that inspired me to post after a pretty long hiatus

Doctors warn women against putting wasp nests in their vaginas

Now I don’t know about you, but this particular insert isn’t one I’ve personally ever considered.  Maybe I’m just weird.

To be fair to the women who have done this mind-bending medical procedure, the procedure does not involve vaginal insertion of a wasp nest that looks like this one, with buzzing wasps going in and out:

Wasp nest.jpg

Image by ABC Wildlife

On the other hand, maybe something buzzing and going in and out is the whole idea behind the procedure.  But I digress.

Actually, the procedure involves ground up wasp eggs called “galls.”

170601-wasp-nest-vagina

This is a Getty Image, copied from the article

These are Oak leaf “galls” in case you want to make your own.

Galls are wasp larvae, left on the bottoms of oak leaves.  They are ground up and inserted into the vagina to tighten it and to cleanse it.  Okay …

As a fake medical expert, I think I  can safely say that this sounds like a particularly shitty idea.

You know, it never occurred to me that there might be a need to warn women to not put wasp nests, even ground up wasp nests, into their vaginas.

Then again, I never thought it would be necessary to tell women to not vote for a man who believed he could grab their vagina because he was famous, either.

My bad.

63 Comments

Filed under 'Merica, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Archeology, Assholes, Bat-shit crazy, Cancer on Society, Class Act, Clusterfuck, Disgustology, Donald Trump is a Pussy Too, Elections Matter, Fashion, Fuckin' Donald Trump, Gross, Health, Health and Medicine, Holy Shit, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor, I Can't Get No, laughter, Mysteries, Not My President, Oh shit, Oops!, Politician Pussies, Satisfaction, Science, Seriously gross, Seriously weird, Shit Your Pants Scary, Sisters, Wild Beasts, Women Should Decide Women's Health Issues, WTF?

My New-ish Expertise

Being a fake medical expert has become a bit passe, frankly.  And that expertise came after my rarely discussed time as environmental science expertise honed as a lowly paralegal/legislative & regulatory assistant/lobbyist.

So I figure I’m ready for a new challenge.  And just in time for World IBD Day, I’m takin’ on physics!

The Physics of Poop, of course.  And I think you will agree that I do have the expertise.  And the, ummm, credentials.  And I don’t have to go far for sample collection.

You see, there’s an article I read.  (Of course there’s an article.)

The Physics of Poop

You know it’s a good article, because this is the photo that accompanies the article:

Elephant Poop

This critter has nothin’ on me.  Except maybe on my shoes  Credit: Barry Kusama Getty Images

The authors, David Hu and Patricia Yang, studied poop every which way but Sunday.  Well, maybe Sunday, too.  Because there are some chores that simply must be done 7 days a week.

They discovered that herbivores produced “floaters” and carnivores plopped “sinkers.”  And apparently “stinkers” too, as tigers apparently have the stinkiest poop and panda poop is positively precious.

Bigger animals, not surprisingly, are more prodigious poopers, but interestingly, the speed of poop production is similar regardless of the size of the animal:

Assuming a bell curve distribution, 66 percent of animals take between 5 and 19 seconds to defecate. It’s a surprisingly small range, given that elephant feces have a volume of 20 liters, nearly a thousand times more than a dog’s, at 10 milliliters.

In all honesty, the attraction of the article wasn’t the significant increase in my already vast knowledge and understanding of poop.

Nope. There were two reasons.

First, it’s the fact that this article alerted me to the existence of NASA’s

Space Poop Challenge

I think you will admit that I should be an automatic contender.

More importantly, this article gave me something to write about to celebrate World IBD Day.  And while I personally celebrate every day, you, personally can have fun with poop on World IBD Day.  Don’t say I never gave you anything.

***

But WAIT!  There’s MORE!  After this post went to press, I found this article.

When Birds of a Feather Poop Together

Golly.  Studying poop has become a 24/7 commitment for me.

You’re welcome.

42 Comments

Filed under A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Assholes, Being an asshole, Chronic Disease, Conspicuous consumption, Cool people, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, DON'T go back to your day job either, Flatulence, Gross, Health and Medicine, Holy Shit, Huh?, Humor, Mom would die of embarrassment, Moose, Mysteries, Oh shit, Oops!, Pandas, Passive Aggression, Peaceful Protests, Pets, Poop, Poop Power, Return carriage, Satisfaction, Shit, Shit happens, Size Matters, Stop!, Toilets, Tom Price, Trump, Wild Beasts, WTF?

Have You Thanked a Nurse This Week?

As a professional patient, I deal with nurses regularly.  And believe it or not, just yesterday when I was having something embarrassing done to my butt, I remembered to say thank you to the nurses who helped me.  Well, except for the one who was there when I woke up from anesthesia.  I think I said something weird to her, but I don’t think she’ll recognize me with my pants on.

Anyway, it’s National Nurses Week.  Say thanks, now while you’re feeling good.  Because usually when they’re helping you, you don’t feel so good.

And I’m rerunning this post.  Because I can.  And to say thanks, again.

***

Nurses, The Beauty of Seamless Teamwork

Naturally, I was just settling down in my recliner for a nap when the commotion started.

Yesterday I had my Remicade infusion in the outpatient infusion center at the hospital.  I was in one of my favorite spots — near the nurses station and the bathroom.  The room is a bay of about 15 vinyl recliners designed for easy cleaning.  Unfortunately, once the leg rests are up, getting out is nearly impossible.  That’s why I like being by both the nurses’ station and the bathroom.  No need for a change of clothes.

Anyway, as I was settling down for my nap with my curtain partially drawn when another patient walked towards me from the other end of the corridor.  As she neared the nurses’ station, she looked up at the ceiling, and I saw her legs buckle, her arms flap out birdlike, and in slow motion she started to faint.

Luckily for Mrs. Smith, a nurse was there to catch her.  That nurse, Brittany, called out for help, and I then witnessed one of the most professional exhibitions of teamwork I’ve ever seen.

Google Image

Google Image

Immediately, Molly, my nurse ran to help, calling out, calmly for assistance, and specifying the location.  Brittany and Molly gently lowered Mrs. Smith to the floor, with Molly saying “Mrs. Smith, open your eyes,” repeatedly

Other nurses went different directions towards strategically located equipment which was quickly and efficiently brought to the aid of Mrs. Smith.

Within 1 minute, Mrs. Smith had 6 nurses as well as equipment protecting her privacy surrounding her.  Each nurse had a role.  Molly got Mrs. Smith to open her eyes, then to squeeze her hand, then to speak.  Another nurse contacted the ER to send EMTs with a gurney to get Mrs. Smith to the ER.  Another started her on a fluid IV while still another nurse took an EKG and yet another set up and constantly monitored vital signs, calling them out to the team.

Within 4 minutes, Mrs. Smith, awake and groggy, was wheeled out to the ER with Brittany, the nurse who originally caught her fall, holding her hand and walking with her.

*****

I can honestly say as an expert patient, that being sick sucks.  Often we grouse at our doctors and nurses and other caretakers.  We bitch about the hospitals, the costs, everything.  Because we don’t want to need these services.

But, like Mrs. Smith (not her real name), I’ve been in need of help before.  And when it’s you on the receiving end, it’s hard to appreciate the artistry.

I saw a the most amazing demonstration well-trained staff of caring professionals.  I have a lot of faith in my healthcare professionals, but it was fascinating and wonderful watching when I’m not on the receiving end.

23 Comments

Filed under Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Chronic Disease, Class Act, Cool people, Crohn's Disease, GET VACCINATED, Good Deed Doers, Health, Health and Medicine, Humor, Nurses are Wonderful, Thanks again