Category Archives: All The News You Need

Pissing Off Mike Pence

Generally speaking, I’m not a vindictive person.

For example, I would never, and I do mean never ever, fire someone 26 hours before his/her pension vested.

Unless I could do it in a funny way, that is.  Then I’d probably be good with that.

John Oliver is a master at pissing people off hilariously.  So if you haven’t seen it, watch this:

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One in Thirteen?

Appearances are deceiving, but I have to admit that circumstantial evidence points directly to me as one of the 13 Russians indicted by  Robert Mueller.

After all, long time followers will recall that I used to post all the time.  I used to comment on politics, and on Donald Trump.  I sought to sow confusion, discord, and rancor here at FiftyFourAndAHalf.  I sought to get folks to the polls.  Get them to vote my way.

And then I stopped.  Practically disappeared.

Long time followers will also note that since Trump entered sullied the White House, that I haven’t been writing a whole lot.

But really, it is entirely coincidence.  Completely.    I’m not a Russian agent.  It’s all coincidence.  I have had a bit of a make-over, though.

Natasha

But appearances can be deceiving.  Trust me.

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My Patriotic Duty

In spite of the fact that I have been AWOL for quite some time, I will not let my countrymen and countrywomen down.  I am aware of my patriotic duty.

And I will fulfill it.  Or fill the pot with it.

The Washington Post today ran an article about the Trumps’ request to borrow a painting from the Guggenheim Museum in New York City.  The painting they requested is a Van Gogh.  I can say, that I wouldn’t mind having private access to a Van Gogh, myself.  Especially if I had already been exposed has trying to pass off a fake Renoir as a real one.

Anyway, here’s the painting they requested for the White House residence:

Landscape with snow

Instead, they offered an alternative:

The curator’s alternative: an 18-karat, fully functioning, solid gold toilet — an interactive work titled “America” that critics have described as pointed satire aimed at the excess of wealth in this country.

For a year, the Guggenheim had exhibited “America” — the creation of contemporary artist Maurizio Cattelan — in a public restroom on the museum’s fifth floor for visitors to use.

But the exhibit was over and the toilet was available “should the President and First Lady have any interest in installing it in the White House,” Spector wrote in an email obtained by The Washington Post.

The artist “would like to offer it to the White House for a long-term loan,” wrote Spector, who has been critical of Trump. “It is, of course, extremely valuable and somewhat fragile, but we would provide all the instructions for its installation and care.”

My friend Mark, at Exile on Pain Street, wrote about his personal experience with this, ahh, exhibit, a while back.  But I couldn’t find the link.

No word on whether the Donald will accept the loan.

***

I just thought you needed to know about this.

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A Royal Flush

It’s hard to think of Switzerland without thinking about money.

After all, that’s where I personally hide my ill-gotten gains; isn’t it where you stored yours?  Zurich is flush with cash — but it’s nothing to Geneva, home to private banking with a twist.

Beau-Rivages

Above is a picture of my favorite Geneva hotel.  Oh, no, I never stayed there.  But it is conveniently located on the waterfront in Geneva, and it has the most delightful bathrooms in the lobby.   It’s like hitting the jackpot of potties.

But in all of the times I slipped in there to use the facilities, I never once got any money there.  After the article I just read, I gotta say, I was gypped.  Cheated. Scammed.

Maybe I should have gone to a restaurant for my pitt stop.

Because three different restaurants in the financial district of Geneva had their toilets stopped up with €500 notes, each of which is worth about $600.  Yup.  It’s true.

Geneva toilets flush with cash

It seems that they were flushed down a toilet and, well, what came up would make Jed Clampett happy.

Me?  I would have loved to get something back for my years of running to the bathroom.  I didn’t.  So I’m pissed.

 

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Don’t Make Me Do It

You won’t be at all surprised to learn that I am sitting here at my computer figuratively shitting bricks about the latest news about the latest attempt of the Senate GOP to repeal Obamacare.

I’ve already written to my Senators (who will vote against it, they’re both Dems), to Senator Collins and Murkowski urging them to stand fast.  I sent a link to my story of how loss of insurance in 1982 led me to a suicide attempt (albeit a stupid one) to Senator John McCain.  I’ve called everybody I can.

You can reach your senators via this link:

https://www.senate.gov/

You can call your Senators via this phone number

(202) 224-3121

Because if we don’t succeed, I will have to take drastic measures.  And I know just what to do.

I recently read an article about a “Mad Pooper” who is on the loose in Colorado Springs, Colorado.  She’s a jogger, who periodically drops her drawers and poops.

 

Now, in spite of 45 years of bowel problems, I do have a smattering of pride left.  So I don’t want to do this.

But loss of insurance once led me to contemplate drastic action with a tetherball thing-y on Capitol property.  Dropping my drawers and producing something nasty would be a breeze.  And I will poop up and down the hallways of the United States Senate.

So call your Senators.  Get them to vote AGAINST the Cassidy-Graham bill.

Cassidy-Graham

DON’T MAKE ME DO IT

CALL YOUR SENATORS

202-224-3121

 

 

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Vincente for Presidente

Do yourself a favor and watch this campaign ad.  You know you want to.

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Why Didn’t I Think Of That?

Hello, yeah, it’s been a while.  Not much, how ’bout you?

There really is no reason.  In fact, this particular post is over due.  I had blog backup and no plunger.

***

For my first post back after a long break, you know I’m goin’ there.  But that is why you came, isn’t it?

Yup.  I read an article.  Several articles actually.  My bad.

This one provides important information to the travelers among us.

The Best Time To Poop On A Plane, According To A Flight Attendant

I will summarize for you, because I have experience in this matter.

The best time to poop on a plane is right after the seat belt light goes off or when the drinks cart comes.  The first is usually pretty early in the flight, so really, you should have taken care of that before you got on the plane.  Unless you’re me — and then you did it then, too.

Second, is a story about a man with whom I should have had children.  We could certainly reach a happy medium:

Doctors remove 28 POUNDS of feces from man, 22, who was constipated

Poop -- HUGE

I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be cradling 28-29 lbs of poop quite so tenderly.  But perhaps that’s just me.Enter a caption

Lastly, the third story, required by the peculiarities of comedy writing, is something I am shaking my head about, well, my butt tto, because really — I should have thunk of this idea first.  If ever a business model stinks of “Elyse,” well, this is it:

A poop-themed restaurant is about to break wind in Toronto*

Yup.  A business model that practically screams “ELYSE!!!” Here’s the ummmm, scoop on it.

Toronto’s new Poop Café will feature a “unique selection of desserts from around the world,” according to a Facebook post from the café’s profile. While the restaurant will serve dishes that are brown and shaped like poop (kind of like the poop emoji), not every dish will look like feces.

I for one am glad that not all of this restaurant’s dishes will look like poop. That’s important to me in the pre-poop stage of nutrient intake.  I like to have a wee bit of anticipation on that score.

Soft serve chocolate.

Not half bad.  Unless it’s been digested first.  Google image.

 

*My apologies to my Canadian friends.  Just when you guys are basking in the glory of a delightful leader, I go and laugh at your poop cafe.  Sorry.  But it IS a poop-themed cafe.  What did you want me to do?

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