Do yourself a favor and watch this campaign ad. You know you want to.
Hello, yeah, it’s been a while. Not much, how ’bout you?
There really is no reason. In fact, this particular post is over due. I had blog backup and no plunger.
For my first post back after a long break, you know I’m goin’ there. But that is why you came, isn’t it?
Yup. I read an article. Several articles actually. My bad.
This one provides important information to the travelers among us.
I will summarize for you, because I have experience in this matter.
The best time to poop on a plane is right after the seat belt light goes off or when the drinks cart comes. The first is usually pretty early in the flight, so really, you should have taken care of that before you got on the plane. Unless you’re me — and then you did it then, too.
Second, is a story about a man with whom I should have had children. We could certainly reach a happy medium:
Lastly, the third story, required by the peculiarities of comedy writing, is something I am shaking my head about, well, my butt tto, because really — I should have thunk of this idea first. If ever a business model stinks of “Elyse,” well, this is it:
Yup. A business model that practically screams “ELYSE!!!” Here’s the ummmm, scoop on it.
Toronto’s new Poop Café will feature a “unique selection of desserts from around the world,” according to a Facebook post from the café’s profile. While the restaurant will serve dishes that are brown and shaped like poop (kind of like the poop emoji), not every dish will look like feces.
I for one am glad that not all of this restaurant’s dishes will look like poop. That’s important to me in the pre-poop stage of nutrient intake. I like to have a wee bit of anticipation on that score.
*My apologies to my Canadian friends. Just when you guys are basking in the glory of a delightful leader, I go and laugh at your poop cafe. Sorry. But it IS a poop-themed cafe. What did you want me to do?
Exactly five and a half years ago tonight, I was in a bit of a snit. A tiff. I was, in a word, miffed.
The result of those feelings was this blog. And in fact, it was the reason* for the stupid name. And my first post where I wrote:
Because I am fifty-four-and-a-half years old, the world is against me. The world would be treating me just fine, thank you very much, if I were just six months older. Read the news lately? Some folks in Congress want to change Medicare — starting with me. Starting with folks currently under 55. Am I the only fifty-four-and-a-half-year-old who is seriously pissed off about this?
Well today, I’m no longer 54-1/2. But I am not in a snit. A tiff. And I’m no longer miffed.
Today I’m mad as hell.
Did you see that Donald of the small hands plans to put this guy in charge of Health and Human Services? Congressman Tom Price (R (Suprise!)-GA).
Photo Image Credit: Gage Skidmore
Folks are lining up in opposition to Price. Not only will he piss me off by trying (and god help us, failing) to derail Medicare, but as the Chairman of the House Budget Committee, he is the author of the House bills to repeal Obamacare. He is adamantly opposed to abortion in all cases. He opposes including provisions in Medicaid to permit low income women to afford birth control. He’s probably in favor of hangers.
Here is Democratic Senator Joe Donnelly’s comment opposing Price:
Tom Price has led the charge to privatize Medicare, and for this reason, I cannot support his nomination. I am ready to work with anyone who wants to improve access to quality health care for Hoosier families and seniors, but the nomination of Tom Price would put us on a direct path to end Medicare as we know it, which would raise health care costs and break a fundamental promise to seniors. I have fought to protect Medicare, and I will continue to oppose efforts to privatize Medicare or turn it into a voucher program.
I, personally, will do what I can. Because I really do fear that before long, this is what Trumpcare will look like:
You know I got this from Father Kane at the Last of the Millenniums, don’t you?
*Shortly after starting the blog with the stupid name, I realized that 54-1/2 was the average age my two late sisters reached. I kept the name because, as the “sick” member of the family, it reminds me that really, every day is a gift.
I’ll continue to believe that. Until, of course, I am an old Crohn’s patient whose Medicare has been taken away. Then I will — literally — poop all over Congress and Donald Trump.
It may surprise you to know, but once I dreamed of being an archeologist. It’s true! That was before the Indiana Jones movies, too. It was before I knew I was destined to become a great actress. Oh, and before bowel disease.
Once I developed bowel disease, my dreams changed. Tromping around the desert searching for a toilet and artifacts (in that order) didn’t seem like a great career path. And until today, well, I believed I was right. But I just realized I was wrong. (I was right that I would be wandering the desert looking for a place to poop, though. So I wasn’t completely wrong.)
You see, today’s Washington Post reports that Clifford Coulthard, while looking for a place to go, stumbled onto an absolutely amazing discovery:
“Nature called, and Cliff walked up this creek bed into this gorge and found this amazing spring surrounded by rock art,” archaeologist Giles Hamm told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. “A man getting out of the car to go to the toilet led to the discovery of one of the most important sites in Australian prehistory.”
as a friend of mine once said, “Civilization all comes down to where you put your poop.”
Think of the discoveries I could have made over the nearly 45 years I’ve been pooping too much!
When you have chronic health problems like I do, there’s always something new to worry about.
Until today, though, I never asked myself:
Butt that is precisely what happened to a woman undergoing surgery in Japan recently. And it happened when she did what all of us fear whenever we have a medical procedure in the southern hemisphere.
Fortunately for her, she was asleep on the operating table.
Unfortunately for her, the gas she passed was ignited by the laser the surgeons were using on her.
According to the article I read,
The fire burned much of her body, including her waist and legs. Her condition is unclear.
The poor woman. I really feel terrible for her. It’s embarrassing enough to break wind when you’re in a humiliating enough position.
Butt now I have something else to worry about the next time I have to have a procedure.