Hey Doc? What’d Ya Say?

Even an expert patient like me forgets stuff.  Yup, it’s true.  Sorry to disappoint you.

I don’t know about you, but generally, when I go to the doctor, I’m not at my best. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be there.

You see, on bad days things change for me from one minute to the next.  And by “things” I mean my ability to be able to comprehend what I’m reading, what I’m writing ( 😦 ), and especially what I’m hearing.  When I feel awful, I can’t focus on what you’re saying.  And I’m certainly not going to remember it.  I’m not going to write it down, and if I did, I am not going to be able to read what I wrote.  So naturally, I’m not going to do what I just paid half a month’s salary to have a doctor tell me to do.

Most days I am a highly functioning individual.  Smarter than the average bear.  On other days, I’m not.  On those bad days, the bear turns into a sloth and I become a blithering idiot.  Usually diarrhea is involved, and I must say that I often feel like I flush a lot of brain mater.  Luckily, it recycles, but the image is pretty yucky.

Sadly, I’m not the only one.

Sick people as a general rule, sick people are not smart people because they’re sick, feverish, nauseated, dehydrated, cancerous.  People in pain are not smart people.  When you hurt, when you’re weak, when you can no longer lift your head because of the pain, well, it’s hard to listen.

Naturally, that’s when it is most important.

Because that’s when you go to the doctor, when you go to the ER, when you learn what you need to do to feel better.   But you’re sick so you never remember what you’re supposed to do.  Or in what order to do it.  Or for how long to do it.  Or if it goes inside or outside that orifice…

So when I read this article earlier today in the New York Times, I thought — what a great idea!  Record the instructions!

Now why didn’t I think of that?

We all have electronic devices with us at all time.  Use the damn things!  If instructions are recorded,  you can replay the instructions when you forget what you’re supposed to do,  and it’s just like you’re back there in the doctor’s office.  You have a better chance of doing it right.  Just as if you had a personal doctor or nurse right there reminding you just what to do and how to do it.

Some doctors don’t like the idea.  They worry (not unreasonably) about malpractice.  But frankly, compliance with doctor’s instructions is a big problem in patient care.  And this seems to me an excellent recipe for making sure you do what the doctor tells you to do.

Now if I can just figure out how to use the audio on my phone ….

 

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Filed under 2017, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, Advice from an Expert Patient, Chronic Disease, Curses!, Health, Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?, Huh?

On one side there were Nazis and on the other side there were no Nazis and Trump still came down on the wrong side. #charlottesville

Margaret and Helen — they always say it best.

Margaret and Helen

helen-mug1From Helen:

Margaret, several people have asked me why I haven’t been writing. The truth is, honey, this isn’t funny anymore. Our President… scratch that… the moron currently occupying the White House just equated George Washington to Robert E. Lee. He can’t understand why a memorial to the symbolic founding father of our country is different than a memorial to a general in an army that fought a failed rebellion against our government.

Mr. President, with no respect intended, I implore you to please step down. You are not qualified for the position you now hold. Quite frankly, you are not qualified to be much more than a reality TV star, a position I hold in very low regard by the way.

There is a reason that in Germany you will find no statues of Hitler, no monuments to the Third Reich, and noChancellor of Germany suggesting there was blame…

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Been There, Done That

D-Day

Time to invoke the 25th Amendment.

 

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August 16, 2017 · 0:00

Flushing tips for guests

Really now. This post BELONGS on my blog.

Drinking Tips for Teens

Dear guests,

Welcome to our home and, more specifically, this little corner of personal hygiene privacy we like to call the guest bathroom. Please make yourself comfortable and avail yourself of whatever you need. We have provided a wide variety of reading material, from an assortment of Archie digests to a well-thumbed Victoria’s Secret catalogue, a subtle acknowledgement by your hosts that, here, your business is none of ours.

That said, please be advised that this particular toilet is temperamental, and we ask you to adhere to the following flushing advice.

But first, a little history of this toilet…
The toilet was imported from Ste-Vinaigre-sur-Slaw, France, in 1934 during the height of the Mouvement plomberie fonctionale, which is perhaps best known through the porcelainworks of Henri-Louis Villarouxieuxeut, in particular his breathtaking-to-the-point-of-gasp-producing “Bidet pour des choochoos quotidiennes.”

This particular toilet, however, is not a Villarouxieuxeut but rather one…

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100

“Who’s thaaaat?” I asked with my three-year old heart filling with love.

She laughed.

That’s your father when he was in the Navy!”

“Wow.”

I sat and stared at that picture for the longest time.

My dad was an incredibly handsome man, and I adored him.  I still do.  And he is still the handsomest man I’ve ever known.

Today would have been his 100th Birthday.

mr-whiskers

Dad loved this picture.  Mr. Whiskers.  1917-2000

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Filed under 1917, 2017, Cool people, Crazy family members, Dad, Family, Father-Daughter Relationships, Good Deed Doers, Growing up, Humor, laughter, Love, Missing Folks, Normandy, Taking Care of Each Other, Thanks again

Why Didn’t I Think Of That?

Hello, yeah, it’s been a while.  Not much, how ’bout you?

There really is no reason.  In fact, this particular post is over due.  I had blog backup and no plunger.

***

For my first post back after a long break, you know I’m goin’ there.  But that is why you came, isn’t it?

Yup.  I read an article.  Several articles actually.  My bad.

This one provides important information to the travelers among us.

The Best Time To Poop On A Plane, According To A Flight Attendant

I will summarize for you, because I have experience in this matter.

The best time to poop on a plane is right after the seat belt light goes off or when the drinks cart comes.  The first is usually pretty early in the flight, so really, you should have taken care of that before you got on the plane.  Unless you’re me — and then you did it then, too.

Second, is a story about a man with whom I should have had children.  We could certainly reach a happy medium:

Doctors remove 28 POUNDS of feces from man, 22, who was constipated

Poop -- HUGE

I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be cradling 28-29 lbs of poop quite so tenderly.  But perhaps that’s just me.Enter a caption

Lastly, the third story, required by the peculiarities of comedy writing, is something I am shaking my head about, well, my butt tto, because really — I should have thunk of this idea first.  If ever a business model stinks of “Elyse,” well, this is it:

A poop-themed restaurant is about to break wind in Toronto*

Yup.  A business model that practically screams “ELYSE!!!” Here’s the ummmm, scoop on it.

Toronto’s new Poop Café will feature a “unique selection of desserts from around the world,” according to a Facebook post from the café’s profile. While the restaurant will serve dishes that are brown and shaped like poop (kind of like the poop emoji), not every dish will look like feces.

I for one am glad that not all of this restaurant’s dishes will look like poop. That’s important to me in the pre-poop stage of nutrient intake.  I like to have a wee bit of anticipation on that score.

Soft serve chocolate.

Not half bad.  Unless it’s been digested first.  Google image.

 

*My apologies to my Canadian friends.  Just when you guys are basking in the glory of a delightful leader, I go and laugh at your poop cafe.  Sorry.  But it IS a poop-themed cafe.  What did you want me to do?

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Filed under 'Merica, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Assholes, Bat-shit crazy, Crohn's Disease, Don't Make Me Puke, Donald Trump, Gross, Holy Shit, Huh?, Humor, Jeff Sessions, Mom would die of embarrassment, Nobody's gonna excavate my poop. I hope., Not something you hear about every day, Oh shit, Poop, Poop Power, Shit happens, Taking Care of Each Other, WTF?

Happy Father’s Day

To my husband, my late dad, my brother, nephews, great nephew, and all of the dads among my blogging buddies, happy Fathes’ Day. 

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