Smitten-ish

As I’ve told you, comedy always comes in threes.  And today?  Today was a veritable shamrock of humor.  And you know what?  Just when I had had a long lapse in providing all of you with the information that brings you here, it was all poop-related humor.

You’re welcome.  It’s my new years’ gift for you.

It started just as soon as I got up and, ummmm, and checked the news headlines.  I learned that the Japanese are wiping up.  Literally.  They are supplying antiseptic wipes for your phone in public bathrooms.  Now, I personally wipe my phone quite frequently, so I actually thought this was a great idea, right out of the, ummm, gate.

But then I saw that they provide video instructions.  On how to use toilets, different butt wiping techniques, and step-by-step guides for how to wipe your phone.

I know you didn’t click on that.  But you should have.  At first, I admit that I only watched part of it, because I consider myself a toilet expert.  Nobody does the elephant or the horse style better than (or as often as) me.  However, the full international experience is worth your 2:11.

You know what?  The day got better.

Because I also learned about special-use mittens.  They are wet-wipes in the shape of mittens to keep your hands clean while wiping.  They’re called “Shittens.”  Really!  Here’s the product description:

If there’s one great universal truth that we can all agree on, it’s this: No one wants poop on their hands.

And yet, we laugh carelessly in the face of danger every time we take an old fashioned wet wipe to our heinies, flying completely blind in the critical poop-to-hand spatial relation.

How many times have you taken one of those substandard wet wipes to the posterior of a child, risking major contamination from that flailing poop cloth? And how many times has your dog’s “number two” been a little closer to a number one “and a half”, requiring a deadly grab & pull maneuver with whatever’s laying around? Enough is enough!

With new Shittens, you can fully protect your hands while tending to the dirty deed.

If you’re 12, or are generally short on bathroom humor, just go to the Shittens’ Amazon Q&A page/Customer reviews.  You won’t be disappointed.

Lastly, I read an article that might just give me nightmares:

A woman called Animal Control last week after she found a snake in a toilet in an Arlington County apartment. To repeat: She. Found. A. Snake. In. A. Toilet.

snake-in-toilet

Photo Credit:  Arlington County Animal Shelter.

At a minimum, it will make me use the buddy system whenever I skip to my loo.

The snake is a juvenile Yellow Anaconda.  Researcher that I am, I looked up Yellow Anaconda snakes.  Here’s what I learned:

They belong to the family of snakes, Boidae, which contains pythons, boas and the green anaconda, the world’s largest snake. Even though yellow anacondas are much smaller their cousin the green anaconda (Eunectes murinus), they can reach a length of up to 4.6 meters, but the average adult size is around 3 meters.  [Shit, I had to underline that.]

Thanks for the info, Snake Facts!

All I can say is that if I found a large snake (or even a small snake, now that I think about it) in my toilet, I wouldn’t call the animal shelter.  I’d call Amazon for a shitload of Shittens.  

shittens

Because it would be “cleanup on aisle 3,” for sure.

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Everybody Needs An Editor

One day, shortly after starting my first job that involved a lot of writing, I realized that I worked for a magician.

Seriously!  My boss, another John, could look at a good piece of writing and make it amazing.  All he used was a pencil.

I can recall standing next to him as he looked over my memo that first time.  He changed a “this” to a “that,” reorganized a couple of words in another sentence and handed it back to me.

Naturally, I figured that since he was the boss he had to do something to contribute; after all, his name was going on it.  But when I looked at the simple changes he made, I was astonished.  Those simple changes made a huge difference.

“Everybody needs an editor,” John said, smiling.

That was close to 40 years ago, and since then I have used that line constantly.  I’ve said that to everybody I’ve ever worked with.  To writer friends.  To blogging buddies.  Because it’s true.  No matter how good a writer you or I am, different eyes notice large and small ways to make something good, better.

If you’re writing a novel, drafting a memoir, compiling blog posts into a future best-seller, you need an editor.  Someone who can help polish, perhaps shorten or reorder.  Someone who can tell you if your work makes sense, or if there are areas that need clarification/reworking.  Someone who can change some “this-es” to “that-s,” reorganize a bit, cut, and shine up that manuscript you’ve been working on.

editing-1

I have someone to recommend.

Karen Kingsley is an old friend of mine who has been a professional writer/editor for her entire career.  For the last 15 years, she has been a freelancer.  Her website is Kingsley Ink.

She’s written and/or edited just about anything you can come up with:  books (fiction and non-), websites, web content, essays, marketing materials, advertising, blogs, speeches, resumes, cover letters, Facebook posts, tweets, press releases.

Karen can help you shine.

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Filed under 2017, Bloggin' Buddy Books, Class Act, Dreams, Editor Recommendation, Everybody Needs an Editor, Good Works, Humor, keys to success, Memoir writing, Writing, Writing technique

Tradition!

Every year at this time, I write about my New Years’ tradition.  It’s a good one in that it is free and guaranteed to bring you good luck or your money back.

Normally I also post it after I am pretty sure folks have consumed enough to not be concerned about the guarantee.  This year, I’m doing it early.

OK.  Here it is:

At the stroke of midnight,

OPEN the back door

and force OUT all the BAD LUCK;

open-back-door

Of course, it’ll be dark.  And not this house.  Google Image

THEN

OPEN the Front Door

front-door

This one’s not mine, either.  It’s Google’s too.

AND LET IN THE GOOD LUCK

It doesn’t matter where you are, you can do it there.  Or you can wait and do it when you get home.  It’s just important to get the bad luck out and the good luck in.

This year, because, well, because 2016 has sucked BIG TIME, I recommend holding open the back door a good long time to be sure to clear out all the 2016 bad luck.  Obviously, we closed the doors too soon last year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY

AND

LET 2017 NOT SUCK AS MUCH AS WE EXPECT IT TO

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Zip Your Lip

To anyone who has said that 2016 can’t get any worse, may I respectfully say

SHUT UP!

debbie-reynolds

 

 

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Filed under 2016, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, Adult Traumas, Bat-shit crazy, Carrie Fisher, Classic Movies, Clusterfuck, Cool people, Cut it out, 2016!, Debbie Reynolds, Family, Love, Mothers and Daughters, Oh shit, praying, Sad News, Shit, Shit happens, Tom Price

Jingle Bells, Santa Smells …

It was a staple of my childhood.  In fact these lyrics always pop into my head whenever somebody sings Jingle Bells.

Jingle bells

Santa smells

Easter’s on its way …

The clip below was either produced by my childhood best friend, Liz, or other people sang our version, too.  I’m guessing the latter.

And it is an early gift to me, and to you.

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!  Leave the fan on!

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Filed under ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, Bat-shit crazy, Chronic Disease, Class Act, Crohn's Disease, Curses!, Disgustology, Farts, Flatulence, Gas

Happy Holidays

Please know that I don’t say “happy holidays” only to irritate the folks who have nothing better to do than be irritated by something this stupid.

But there are a lot of holidays at this time of year, aren’t there?  No matter what your reason for buying presents, everybody the world over gets a New Year at about this same time each and every year.  So lighten up, folks.  Jump for joy.

reflection71.gif

I got this from Father Kane at The Last of the Milleniums, of course.

I plan to just keep watching this little guy until 2020.

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Filed under Humor

The Beast

Lemme get this straight.

duncan-christmas-2016

Photo Credit:  Jacob

A big fat guy in a red suit

will come down the chimney,

And I’m Supposed to Let Him In?

HO, HO, HO!

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Filed under Bat-shit crazy, Crazy family members, Criminal Activity, Dogs, Duncan, Good Works, Holidays, Huh?, Humor, Love, Oh shit, Peace, Wild Beasts