Category Archives: Criminal Activity

No Balls

If this isn’t a metaphor for today’s GOP, I don’t know what is.

Balls are not allowed at next week’s GOP convention where the politicians who haven’t had the balls to stand up to Little Fingers Don until now will nominate him to be their candidate for President of the FUCKING UNITED STATES!

tennis-balls-1932897

Image from thumbs.dreamtime.com

Of course, in another expected metaphor, these same folks responded to the latest mass shooting of police officers in Dallas by adding language stating opposition to restricting magazine capacity & banning AR-15 rifles. There was no debate.

Here.  I’ll help you pack.  Other things that you can’t bring to the GOP convention (since I know you’re going) include:  knives of all sorts, lumber, coolers and cots.  Num chucks have to be left in the hotel room, as do your fireworks.

I did not notice rotten tomatoes on the list, so stock up!  There will be a run on them in Cleveland, I’m sure.

But because Ohio is an “open-carry” state, you can bring guns.

Guns guns and more guns

What could be better than drunk GOP ammosexuals with their guns?  Image credit epano.com

What could possibly go wrong?

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How’s THIS for an Idea?

You may not have heard the news that has the media all a flutter this morning.  Donald Trump yesterday banned all reporters from the Washington Post from admission to, and therefore coverage of, all of his events.

How about if all media — newspapers, TV, online — voluntarily stop covering all of his events.

Everyone.  Just. Stop. Mentioning. Him.

Because then there would be a meltdown that we could all enjoy.

And the country would survive.

You’re welcome.

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Why Didn’t I Think Of That?

Do you ever feel that the stars are lined up against you?  That you can’t win in your own life?  That God has it in for you?

I have to say, that I have felt that way on more than one occasion.  On more than one occasion a day on bad days.

God strikes

I often feel like I’m between a rock and an electric place

Photo Credit:  comandoxtreme.xtgem.com

Some days I know that God is out to get me.  But I never really thought there was anything I could do about it.  I mean, I’m me, and God, well, God is God.  He rules.

Right?

Well maybe not.  Because you see, an Israeli man has filed a restraining order against God.  True story!  Because sometimes, God is abusive.  And if God can’t be nice, He needs to keep His distance.  At least 300 feet away — that’s the usual distance abusive men must respect.

Restraining order

Photo Caption:  Huffington Post

Sigh. I’m going straight to hell for this one.

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Filed under ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, Abortion, Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, Blasphemy, Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Curses!, Disgustology, Health, Health and Medicine, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor

Get Rid of Old, Unused Drugs

As it says in my “About” page, I do drugs and get paid for it.  Drug safety that is.  As a general rule, I don’t write about it though.  Today is an exception.  Consider this a public service announcement.

In 2008, I had some minor surgery where I was given 60 — SIXTY — Oxycontin tablets for pain.  I didn’t need very many at all because I am tough.  Also because I don’t need to add drug addiction to the list of problems with this ‘temple’ of mine.  Plus I really don’t like that out of control feeling I get from serious painkillers.

Still, I ended up with about 55 highly addictive painkillers in a home where my the-15 year old son lived.  Jacob is a good kid, but hell, why tempt fate?  Ultimately, I managed to get rid of them safely and securely.  But not everybody is so lucky.  In some places, prescription drugs are what thieves look for when they burglarize homes.

As I said, while I don’t normally mix work with the blogging (except when I’m goofing off), I think this is something everybody should know about:

Ditch your unused drugs Saturday, April 30.

Tomorrow (April 30) is Drug Take-Back Day, the annual nationwide push to stop people from trashing or flushing their unused medications. The DEA has set up hundreds of drop-off centers all across the country to orchestrate safe disposal of drugs. That’s no small feat — in the past decade, the DEA says it has collected more than 5.5 million pounds of unused pills. It’s a continual concern, since drugs at home can cause accidental poisonings, and drugs in landfills can pollute water supplies. [From my Daily STAT Morning Rounds newsletter]

To find a location near you (sorry, it’s US only) click on this link and enter your zip code.

***

This song has nothing to do with drug disposal, but it’s a great song.

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Hey Doc? Your Education is Lacking

It used to be I was afraid of the future because of the GOP and the Pandora’s Box of hornets/hate they’ve unleashed.  But then I realized that there are, perhaps, other signs that the world has gone to hell in a handbasket.  Read on, and try to tell me I’m wrong.

***

Seven intelligent faces looked at me, blankly, their heads all tilted at a quizzical angle as if on strings.

Eagle3

Just because I’m saying “Who?” doesn’t make me an owl, ya know (Google image, natch)

 

They ranged in age from mid-40s to early and mid-20s.

At least I hoped they were intelligent faces.  Because they belonged to a team of seven doctors treating me during my recent (thankfully brief) hospital stay for Crohn’s.

I always draw a crowd.

But it wasn’t long before I questioned the intelligence of this group of gastroenterologists and medical students holding their noses and getting  through this rotation.  Because they seemed to have missed a major part of their education.

“Michael*” — the leader of the pack, put his stethoscope to my belly and listened.

“Not much noise there, Elyse.”  He let the others have a listen.

“You guys haven’t let me eat in days,” I said.  And then, as a person with a gut so noisy that it has a name (Ralph), I continued.  “I always feel like Humphrey Bogart in The African Queen!  You know, the scene where his stomach is gurgling?”

 

“Humphrey who?” one of them said.  The others nodded their heads in agreement.

“Bogart,” I said, with my eyes getting bigger as I realized that all seven of the people around me were tilting their heads at me in confusion.  None of them had a clue who Bogie was.

“I think I’ve heard of him,” one of the medical students ventured.  She didn’t look terribly certain, though.  “Wasn’t he in all of those musicals?”

Something is very wrong in the world.

 

*And when did doctors start going by their first names??  Did I miss something?

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This is Reassuring?

Relax, everybody.  Nothing’s gonna change.  You see, the Congress is on it.

Well, that was the message that failed presidential candidate-turned Donald Trump spokesmouth said, anyway.  In Cairo.  To live humans there.

Lindsey Graham in Cairo

AP Image

http://launch.newsinc.com/share.html?trackingGroup=92351&siteSection=bigstory_nws_non_non_dynamic_wire_ap_wirematch&videoId=30574260

Yup.  Senator Graham was trying to reassure folks in the Middle East that Congress would continue to play a primary role in foreign policy, “regardless of what Mr. Trump says or does.”

“The Congress is going to be around no matter who is president,” Graham told reporters after meeting with Egyptian President Abdel-Fatah el-Sissi as part of a Republican congressional delegation touring the Middle East.

“All of us, regardless of what Mr. Trump says or does, we are going to keep being who we are, so don’t let the political scenes at home get you too upset,” Graham said.

Lindsay Graham Meme

I found this a long time ago.  I’m sure it was through Google.  And the attribution is right there on the left.  Or his right.  Lindsey’s that is.

I feel sooooooooo much better knowing that Trump is the leading candidate to have his finger near the button.  Because Congress will be there, doing the very same shit they have done to screw up the country for decades.

Nothing to see here, folks, move along.

Personally, I would have been more reassured if Senator Graham had gone to Middle Earth and spoken about Orcs.

 

Source:  http://bigstory.ap.org/article/7588580ba37049c1ac2f3fbb4df624ca/us-senator-tells-arab-world-us-hasnt-changed-despite-trump

 

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What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Perhaps I am just an unusually smart person. Or especially practical.  Or maybe, just maybe, I haven’t hit my head so many times that I routinely need to do stupid things.

But for most of my life, I have tried my best to not put things near my head that would make my mother panic.  (I was an incredibly thoughtful child.)

I never, for example, played football.  I never did bobsledding that would have me plunge head-first down an icy mountain.  I will admit to skiing headfirst into a stonewall in France, but I can assure you that was unintentional.

So when I read that some genius had developed the perfect “concealed weapon” well, I had to scratch my head.  And thank my lucky stars that my head was still on my shoulders while I was at it.

You see, this genius developed this gun:

Cell phone gun

Google Image

Because what could possibly go wrong with putting a cell phone/gun  against your head?  Perhaps that way you can answer when God calls and suggests you run for public office.

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