Category Archives: Conspicuous consumption

My New-ish Expertise

Being a fake medical expert has become a bit passe, frankly.  And that expertise came after my rarely discussed time as environmental science expertise honed as a lowly paralegal/legislative & regulatory assistant/lobbyist.

So I figure I’m ready for a new challenge.  And just in time for World IBD Day, I’m takin’ on physics!

The Physics of Poop, of course.  And I think you will agree that I do have the expertise.  And the, ummm, credentials.  And I don’t have to go far for sample collection.

You see, there’s an article I read.  (Of course there’s an article.)

The Physics of Poop

You know it’s a good article, because this is the photo that accompanies the article:

Elephant Poop

This critter has nothin’ on me.  Except maybe on my shoes  Credit: Barry Kusama Getty Images

The authors, David Hu and Patricia Yang, studied poop every which way but Sunday.  Well, maybe Sunday, too.  Because there are some chores that simply must be done 7 days a week.

They discovered that herbivores produced “floaters” and carnivores plopped “sinkers.”  And apparently “stinkers” too, as tigers apparently have the stinkiest poop and panda poop is positively precious.

Bigger animals, not surprisingly, are more prodigious poopers, but interestingly, the speed of poop production is similar regardless of the size of the animal:

Assuming a bell curve distribution, 66 percent of animals take between 5 and 19 seconds to defecate. It’s a surprisingly small range, given that elephant feces have a volume of 20 liters, nearly a thousand times more than a dog’s, at 10 milliliters.

In all honesty, the attraction of the article wasn’t the significant increase in my already vast knowledge and understanding of poop.

Nope. There were two reasons.

First, it’s the fact that this article alerted me to the existence of NASA’s

Space Poop Challenge

I think you will admit that I should be an automatic contender.

More importantly, this article gave me something to write about to celebrate World IBD Day.  And while I personally celebrate every day, you, personally can have fun with poop on World IBD Day.  Don’t say I never gave you anything.

***

But WAIT!  There’s MORE!  After this post went to press, I found this article.

When Birds of a Feather Poop Together

Golly.  Studying poop has become a 24/7 commitment for me.

You’re welcome.

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Filed under A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Assholes, Being an asshole, Chronic Disease, Conspicuous consumption, Cool people, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, DON'T go back to your day job either, Flatulence, Gross, Health and Medicine, Holy Shit, Huh?, Humor, Mom would die of embarrassment, Moose, Mysteries, Oh shit, Oops!, Pandas, Passive Aggression, Peaceful Protests, Pets, Poop, Poop Power, Return carriage, Satisfaction, Shit, Shit happens, Size Matters, Stop!, Toilets, Tom Price, Trump, Wild Beasts, WTF?

Doggie Bags

Today is Duncan’s birthday — his 3rd!  He is a wonderful dog.  Sweet, relatively obedient, and incredibly lovable.

Duncan Easter 2 2017

The Birthday Boy!

But I went a bit overboard with doggie treats for this good boy this year.  So I figured I’d share them with his friends at the park.  In a way that would be good for the earth.  In a way that positively shouts “DOG!” I made doggie goodie bags!

Goodie Bags

OK, in the stupidest way possible.  I used biodegradable dog poop bags, and filled them full of delicious brown dog treats.  That way, if I missed any of the morning friends Duncan and I usually walk with, I could leave one on their car.

A dog poop bag filled with brown stuff, left on a car.  What could possibly go wrong?

Luckily for me, we saw his friends, and they and their parents were delighted by the goodie bags.  They didn’t think me weird for

  1. Making doggie goodie bags,
  2. Using poop bags for party bags; or
  3. Expecting that if they found one of these on their car that they would open it up and feed it to their dog.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under 2017, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Bat-shit crazy, Birthday, Class Act, Conspicuous consumption, Cool people, Dogs, Duncan, Family, Good Deed Doers, Holy Shit, Humor, Oh shit, Oops!, Poop, Poop Power, Stupidity, Why the hell do I tell you these stories?, Wild Beasts, WTF?

Miss Me Yet?

I’m away, without good access to the internet.

But the universe told me you missed me.  Or maybe seeing this picture did:
You’re welcome.

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Filed under All The News You Need, Assholes, Chronic Disease, Conspicuous consumption, Curses!, Farts, Flatulence, FLOTUS

I Can Change The World!

It will come as no surprise that I would personally love to save the world.  But like most folks, well, I just couldn’t figure out how.

 

When the Women’s March happened, my hopes dwindled.  How could I save the world and still be within reach of the bathroom?  Ditto all the other spontaneous and planned demonstrations that have taken place since January 21.

But then I learned that Yes. I. Can!  Really!  I can save the world from climate change single-handedly.  Really!  Me!

You can’t though.  Sorry.

You see, I just read this article that says that the city of Portland, Oregon has come up with a terrific way to produce electricity through poop.  And pee.

I can do that.  In fact, I often can’t NOT do that.

It’s true!  They installed toilet turbines to generate power with every flush.

I volunteer to power the East Coast.  Except for the White House and Mara Laga.  Because I don’t give a shit about Trump.

 

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Happy Thanksgiving

This year I feel incredibly lucky at Thanksgiving.  Nobody at my feast will have voted for Donald Trump.

Nobody.

And they will all be relatives.

Didn’t I tell you that I’m lucky?  It’s true — I will gladly spend then next two days cooking for them.

But I know that not everybody is as lucky as me.  I feel your pain, I really do.  One of my brothers voted for Trump, as did a nephew and, I’m pretty sure, a great nephew.  But none of them are coming — they don’t usually come so I did not banish them.

It’s hard to talk to folks about this election and why we feel so strongly that the wrong side won.

It’s hard to talk about this election and not place all Trump voters into Hillary’s stupid basket of deplorables.

It’s hard to talk about this election to Trump voters and not slap them upside the head for being stupid, for placing our democracy at risk, for threatening the future of the planet either by a Trump tiff or by his unwillingness to accept that climate change is real and to do something about it.

For those of you who need assistance, I give you this video — with a shout-out to my friend Karen:

 

 

Not that it will change anything.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who are celebrating.

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How to Find A Lost Civilization

It may surprise you to know, but once I dreamed of being an archeologist.  It’s true!  That was before the Indiana Jones movies, too.  It was before I knew I was destined to become a great actress.  Oh, and before bowel disease.

Once I developed bowel disease, my dreams changed.  Tromping around the desert searching for a toilet and artifacts (in that order) didn’t seem like a great career path.  And until today, well, I believed I was right.  But I just realized I was wrong.  (I was right that I would be wandering the desert looking for a place to poop, though.  So I wasn’t completely wrong.)

You see, today’s Washington Post reports that Clifford Coulthard, while looking for a place to go, stumbled onto an absolutely amazing discovery:

“Nature called, and Cliff walked up this creek bed into this gorge and found this amazing spring surrounded by rock art,” archaeologist Giles Hamm told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. “A man getting out of the car to go to the toilet led to the discovery of one of the most important sites in Australian prehistory.”

Profile view of Warratyi Rock Shelter elevated above local stream catchment. (Giles Hamm) as printed in the Washington Post article linked to earlier.

Profile view of Warratyi Rock Shelter elevated above local stream catchment. (Giles Hamm) as printed in the Washington Post article linked to earlier.

as a friend of mine once said, “Civilization all comes down to where you put your poop.”

Think of the discoveries I could have made over the nearly 45 years I’ve been pooping too much!

Shit!

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Filed under ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, All The News You Need, Archeology, Conspicuous consumption, Cool people, Crohn's Disease, Health, Huh?, Humor, laughter, Nobody's gonna excavate my poop. I hope., Oh shit, Poop, Science, Shit, Shit happens

Scarier than Any Ghost

What’s scarier than a slasher?  Things that go bump in the night?  A monster under the bed?

The possibility that these two will live in the White House.  At 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW, Washington, DC.

halloween

From my friend Father Kane at The Last of the Milleniums.

 

There is an answer, though.

hillary2

Google.  Oh and Hillary.

 

And this is pretty damn important too.

VOTE FOR  DEMOCRATS FOR THE HOUSE AND SENATE

Because they’re already planning to oppose anything she tries to do as President.

turn-america-blue

 

But since I love you all, I’ll give you a break.  You can watch this.

Happy Halloween!

27 Comments

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