My New-ish Expertise

Being a fake medical expert has become a bit passe, frankly.  And that expertise came after my rarely discussed time as environmental science expertise honed as a lowly paralegal/legislative & regulatory assistant/lobbyist.

So I figure I’m ready for a new challenge.  And just in time for World IBD Day, I’m takin’ on physics!

The Physics of Poop, of course.  And I think you will agree that I do have the expertise.  And the, ummm, credentials.  And I don’t have to go far for sample collection.

You see, there’s an article I read.  (Of course there’s an article.)

The Physics of Poop

You know it’s a good article, because this is the photo that accompanies the article:

Elephant Poop

This critter has nothin’ on me.  Except maybe on my shoes  Credit: Barry Kusama Getty Images

The authors, David Hu and Patricia Yang, studied poop every which way but Sunday.  Well, maybe Sunday, too.  Because there are some chores that simply must be done 7 days a week.

They discovered that herbivores produced “floaters” and carnivores plopped “sinkers.”  And apparently “stinkers” too, as tigers apparently have the stinkiest poop and panda poop is positively precious.

Bigger animals, not surprisingly, are more prodigious poopers, but interestingly, the speed of poop production is similar regardless of the size of the animal:

Assuming a bell curve distribution, 66 percent of animals take between 5 and 19 seconds to defecate. It’s a surprisingly small range, given that elephant feces have a volume of 20 liters, nearly a thousand times more than a dog’s, at 10 milliliters.

In all honesty, the attraction of the article wasn’t the significant increase in my already vast knowledge and understanding of poop.

Nope. There were two reasons.

First, it’s the fact that this article alerted me to the existence of NASA’s

Space Poop Challenge

I think you will admit that I should be an automatic contender.

More importantly, this article gave me something to write about to celebrate World IBD Day.  And while I personally celebrate every day, you, personally can have fun with poop on World IBD Day.  Don’t say I never gave you anything.


But WAIT!  There’s MORE!  After this post went to press, I found this article.

When Birds of a Feather Poop Together

Golly.  Studying poop has become a 24/7 commitment for me.

You’re welcome.


Filed under A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Assholes, Being an asshole, Chronic Disease, Conspicuous consumption, Cool people, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, DON'T go back to your day job either, Flatulence, Gross, Health and Medicine, Holy Shit, Huh?, Humor, Mom would die of embarrassment, Moose, Mysteries, Oh shit, Oops!, Pandas, Passive Aggression, Peaceful Protests, Pets, Poop, Poop Power, Return carriage, Satisfaction, Shit, Shit happens, Size Matters, Stop!, Toilets, Tom Price, Trump, Wild Beasts, WTF?

42 responses to “My New-ish Expertise

  1. This was definitely worth coming back to read (as I try to get myself back in the swing.) Such a great PSA from the Poop Queen.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fascinating, even for those of us who generally find such topics less than fascinating. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. hehehe this was a moving and insightful tribute to the back half of our digestive tract. Ummmm do you say “Happy” World IBD day?

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s exactly what I said to my Crohn’s Facebook group. And you’re supposed to wear purple to commemorate it; brown seems so much more appropriate. 💩

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Someone needs to ask what Sean Spicer does with all his shit. Get an expert opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve always wanted to know the ends and outs of poop and now that I have learned what I’d been hankering to know, I just found out that it’s really shitty. Or, maybe I should write crappy or doo-doo or feces or excrement.
    Oh what the heck, it’s a goof karma thing. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank GOD you haven’t changed because of that last medical report! – Marty

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You’ve just enhanced my poo knowledge. And made me smile. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Love your public service announcements!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s always nice to have a hobby. And to share. Thank you.

    Speaking of bird poo – and hobbies – I’m a mineral collector.

    Did you know: there is a cave in New South Wales, Australia. Bats used to live in the cave. Had done so for a long, long time and the poo piles were very, very big. The environmental conditions were just right for mineral crystals to form. Neat, eh? The poop piles and the crystals are gone now because when they were discovered, back in the late 1880’s, people scraped up every last morsel to use as fertilizer.

    Google Newberyite if you are curious.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Guano? I do know of the benefits of guano, but I never heard of mineralized poop. My hat is off to you. I’ll keep my knickers on, though, if you don’t mind.


  10. Wow, here’s my chance to make a shitload of money, figuring out how to dump a payload of shit into space. But I wonder if they’ll have to track all that shit floating in space. Could it badly damage a spacecraft if it ran into a pile of shit at 100,000 miles an hour? So many complications . . .

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Always educational and entertaining. It is seriously something to think about.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Ok, let’s be honest here, animals take less than 20 seconds to defecate only because they don’t have smartphones,

    Liked by 2 people

    • Or thumbs. Imagine how annoying it would be to have a phone and not be able to open it with a thumbprint.


      • You don’t actually need thumbs (and at least some primates already have them), as long as you can hold the phone somehow in a paw or on the ground and swipe with another paw or leg or beak or trunk. Of course, if they’re going to use beaks, or hooves, or non-retractable claws, they going to need a lot of screen protectors.
        And I don’t think animals would ever lock their phones or need a thumb to unlock it – they defecate in public so I figure they don’t really care about privacy.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh my, now I am imagining a vacuum-hose diaper for astronauts. When they have to go, they hook up to an access port that will suck their waste out into the vacuum of space. My lack of physics knowledge suggests I am not the right person for the project. I have a sneaking suspicion the astronaut would just be sucked out the tiny vent due to the force of suction involved. I just wish I were brave enough to ask a scientist.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. No one makes me enjoy poop the way you do. Always, a good time. I think you should work on the space poop challenge. I’m sure you will be a contender.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Deb

    Ummm… thank you?

    Liked by 1 person

Play nice, please.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s