Like many of you, I still wake in the night with a knot in my stomach. It’s Donald Trump, of course. He’s making me sick. He’s making me anxious. He’s making me unusually serious.
But of course, we are all here in this country — although I think all of us want to pack our bags and leave a country that just elected such a seriously flawed man. A man who cheats, and lies and treats all non-white men as if they are less than human.
This video has helped me. It reminded me that I’m part of the loyal opposition — loyal to the system of government as it should act under the Constitution. That I’m an American and I value my institutions and I will fight against tyranny. That I am descended from immigrants who helped build our country.
That I have to be part of the solution. Whatever that may be.
Oh and that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote by over 2 million votes, at last count.
We all knew it would be a shit storm when the GOP got together to nominate Donald Trump in Cleveland. But even I didn’t think it would actually turn into a a convention hall where folks would be running for the bathrooms instead of the exits.
Apparently, though, they are. Because the GOP doesn’t just have a shitty candidate, they have norovirus:
The virus can be caught through contact from infected people or surfaces, or through consuming contaminated food or water. Norovirus inflames the stomach, the intestines, or both. Symptoms include stomach pain, nausea, diarrhea and vomiting. (Washington Post)
Of course, their candidate has been producing shit from his mouth and making the rest of the world vomit and crap their pants in fear since he announced he was running last year. And then again each time he speaks.
But with the norovirus taking hold of the delegates, I’m wondering if Mr. Trump needs a new form of transportation to make sure those delegates fill the convention hall to listen to the crazy line up of misogynists, racists and fear mongers.
Don’t you think that they should be riding in this fine vehicle:
Picture Credit: Father Kaine’s The Last of the Milleniums. Where else? He finds the best things.
Like many Americans, I’m overweight. Mostly I’ve accepted what I look like. At least I do until someone pulls out a camera. Then I use my handy line:
“Do I have time for liposuction?”
Sadly, there’s never enough time for liposuction; they usually take the picture anyway. And when I see it I wish someone would suck away the extra bits and bobs.
Few things make me laugh harder than the idea of liposuction. I first learned of it in 1986. I was in the reception area of one of my then-clients, chatting with his secretary, Cindy, a constant dieter, when she announced:
“Did you know you can vacuum your fat away?” Cindy told me. “It’s a thing called Lip-O-Suction. They stick this little gizmo in your fat lumps and vacuum the fat out!”
“Why diet when you can vacuum!” I replied. Me and Cindy laughed and laughed. You just can’t tell me it isn’t a hilarious image: Women lining up in front of the Hoover before a date.
Eureka! Or is it Hoover? Sllluuuppppppp Google Image
Now, though, there is a weight loss gadget that makes even liposuction pale in silliness. Because folks have been busily inventing even sillier ways to get folks thin. Or thinner. Or, to totally disrupt their GI tract.
Introducing The Aspire Assist. A personal stomach pump. Yeah, I thought they were making it up, too.
Photo credit: Aspirebariatrics.com. But I found it at the article referenced below
The Aspire Assist helps with weight loss because it empties up to 30% of the contents of your stomach into the toilet. Before it reaches the inside or the outside of your butt. Before that cherry pie becomes love handles. Before those abs look more like a case than a six-pack.
Patients have a tube inserted into their stomachs then threaded out through an incision in the abdomen and capped with a poker chip–sized “Skin Port” valve.[…] Twenty minutes after eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner, the patient attaches a handheld device to the Skin Port and empties 30 percent of the contents of his or her stomach into the toilet.
Twenty minutes is enough time for your brain to be convinced that you are full, but not enough time for your stomach to digest the food, the inventors say, and that means 30 percent of the calories from your meal magically disappear.
Sounds too good to be true, ammirite? You can have all the benefits of bulimia without puking! Whoo-hoo!
Of course, as a fake medical professional, I have questions:
Can the Aspire Assist discriminate? I mean, can it choose to pull the ice cream out and leave the broccoli to work its way through my GI tract system?
Can it pull the pasta but leave the protein and the vitamins?
Can it please suck out the wine I drink so that I can be less of a cheap date?
Go ahead. I dare you to watch this. (I didn’t. Ewwwwww.)
I bet you didn’t play that video. I’ll also wager you’re not gonna get an Aspire Assist. anybody who has read this far is of above-average intelligence and has a seriously awesome sense of humor.
Some funny things should be enjoyed but definitely not be taken to heart. Or to stomach. Or drained into the toilet.