Category Archives: Extra Cash
You’ve been asking for more poop from me. Be careful what you wish for.
Because today is World Toilet Day!
This morning, I was inspired as shit by my friend Judy when she alerted me to the arrival of World Toilet Day (which I’d somehow forgotten?!?) and to Mr. Toilet himself. And to this article.
Mr. Toilet is my hero. Seriously.
Mr. Toilet was not born with that name. Nope, Mr. Toilet is actually a rich, big-hearted man named Jack Sim who wants to do good in the world with the shitload of money he made in construction. So, being flush with cash, Jack was inspired when he read a statement by his country’s (Singapore) then prime minister:
He said we should measure our graciousness according to the cleanliness of our public toilets.
As a travel lover, let me tell you that nothing, and I do mean nothing, says “welcome” like a clean, accessible toilet. (As a Crohn’s patient, however, I stay home a lot.)
As I said last year on this auspicious occasion,
The point of World Toilet Day is actually pretty important. People without access to hygienic facilities risk illness, many women are preyed upon and attacked as they seek out a place to go. Diseases are transmitted, including infections, cholera, well, here’s a picture.
Mr. Toilet founded the World Toilet Organization (WTO) in 2001. As Judy’s article says:
It’s a nonprofit coalition of leaders from more than 40 countries who try to come up with innovative solutions to tackle the world’s sanitation and water problems.
Together these loo lovers started the World Toilet College and SaniShop, initiatives that train entrepreneurs not only to make household toilets but also to maintain them and market them in the developing world. More than 4,000 people have been trained since 2005; the WTO says that up to 10,000 toilets were assembled in 2010 alone.
But it’s the way Mr. Toilet wants to go about increasing toilets that hit me where I live.
So first you have to make owning a toilet not just rational but aspirational. You have to make a toilet come with bragging rights, like a Louis Vuitton handbag.
Aspiration is important, as you can see even rich people have really nice toilets — they go for the highest level all the time. So this is the same as the poor people. They aspire to own products that have bragging rights, like a cellphone or television. The psychology is exactly the same.
He wants to first make owning and using a toilet funny, then sexy, and then normal. He wants to remove the taboo on poo. He wants people to laugh about, talk about and sing about toilets.
Here. I’ll help.
Who knew that World Toilet Day would lead me to find the theme song for my life.
You know, there may be a good reason why the GOP hates science.
Sometimes it is just plain gross.
As a dog lover, my “gross-me-out-the-door” threshold is actually quite high — I can stand some pretty gross things. Only today my dog Duncan did the following:
- Drank from the toilet
- Licked his genitals with relish*
- Ate poop
Let’s face it. Dogs are gross.
But we humans? We are gonna give these pups a run for their, ummm, money. Their kibble. Actually, I’d like to give Duncan a run for that pair of shoes he’s always stealing, but that’s another story for another day.
Today’s story involves poop.
Remember last January when I told you guys all about how you can make big bucks with your butts? Really! I did! With this post:
Are you so rich that you’ve forgotten this already? Forgotten that I told you that you can clean up by donating your poop so that it can be transplanted into
Poor suckers infected with c difficile, particularly nasty bacteria that is really hard to get rid of.
I even provide a chart by which you can measure just how useful you’re being:
The idea behind poop transplants, in case you’ve forgotten, is that scientists believe that we’ve made our guts too clean — we have too few of the good bacteria that lead to healthy poop left inside our guts.
Today I have an update! Wait, wait! Keep your pants on!
Unfortunately, this update will not increase your revenue making opportunities. Still, scientific advances are awesome.
Because now, thanks to scientific advancements, those same poor suckers can now eat shit!
Really! I read it in the New York Times:
There is a non-profit organization called OpenBiome that is dedicated to providing poop transplants to needy patients with c difficile. And they came up with a poop pill. These poop pills will go a long way towards flushing out the bacteria.
Wait! Wait! No they don’t! They flush in good bacteria. I mean you eat poop pills with good bacteria in them. And probably some of the nasty stuff too. Like poop.
And some day, poop pills may be available for folks like me with Crohn’s Disease and other crappy GI diseases. They are testing poop transplants in folks even as we speak.
Personally, I’m keeping a close eye out on this treatment option. Because with my Crohn’s Disease, some day I might just have to say, “Hey Doc, do I have to?”
* For the record, I do not put relish on my dog’s genitals. Duncan is not a dachshund.
The other day, I had to make an appointment for a medical test at a large DC hospital center. Because I am a patient extraordinaire, I have all my tune ups and oil changes done at a major medical center. The hospital version of Jiffy Lube. I like feeling like my surgeons are on the cutting edge, and that my gastroenterologists are qualified to show others just what to put into my orifices. I do not like amateurs poking about where I can’t see them.
But now? Modern healthcare is just getting better and better!
Because there are all kinds of deals available. I can shop for services at my local hospital! How can you beat that? You see, the MBAs have taken over healthcare. So it’s just another consumer good. Right?
In fact, I learned that I can purchase all kinds of pancreatic treatments! Really! Right there at Georgetown! I can even, if I want, sign up for a pancreatic transplant!
But WAIT! There’s MORE!
I can get deep brain stimulation! I’m told while waiting on hold to make my doctor’s appointment, that it can treat (not cure) not just my GI problems, but illnesses, syndromes and conditions I don’t have! Imagine that!
Yup! I can treat not just my depression or bipolar symptoms, but my Parkinson’s Disease symptoms, too. I’m not sure if I have to wait for those to develop first, or if I can just plunge right in and treat em.
Of course, I’m hoping that once my brain has been deeply stimulated, I will come to understand why the MBAs think that someone with poo problems (and who spends way too much time with doctors and getting other treatments for the condition she is waiting on hold about) might enjoy some additional time in the hospital. Because we all know just what a hoot those procedures can be. Not to mention the designer gowns you get to wear. Ammirite?
Perhaps I can organize a girls’ retreat with my besties! Hey girls, this gastric bypass is on me!
I’ve learned that I can have bloodless surgery at Georgetown, too. I’d hate to make a mess.
The kidney tumors I also don’t have? You guessed it. They can be gone in no time. Still gone. Or maybe “Gone again” is the accurate description. How about “Gone with the Wind?” Or is that mixing up body systems?
As soon as the lines open on Monday, I’ll be calling again.
These deals won’t last forever!
Have you got a Nose for Gold?
Growing up at the beach, I never had much use for those little dweebes who would pan for gold in Long Island Sound. All they ever got was a plastic container of cigarette butts.
And on my one trip to California when I visited a ghost gold town, well, I was still not all that impressed. But at least they got them some gold. Some of them.
But more recently, I’m thinking that maybe I’ll try my, ummm, hand, at gold mining.
Yeah — me!
In fact, it might just be an opportunity for me to work from home. I may actually be sitting on a gold mine. Really! Who knew!
More than for personal gain, however, I will do it in the name of science. You see, scientist now think that this type of mining may just save the planet! It could reduce the need for more environmentally harmful types of mining.
Oh, I guess I forgot to explain the rest. You see, I just read that scientists are, ummm, mining for gold in unexpected places. Silver, too. And you know, they’ve found some platinum, too. A veritable jewelry store of precious metals.
Wanna know where?
In poop. People Poop.
Really! They’re finding all sorts of shit in there! I just read about it in an article entitled:
According to the article:
Every year, Americans are flushing a fortune down the toilet. Literally. More than 7 million tons of biosolids—treated sewage sludge—pass through US wastewater facilities annually. Contained within our shit are surprisingly large quantities of silver, gold, and platinum.
I am prodigious poop producer. I figure, well, I’m golden.
I’m hiring pan sterilizers if anybody is looking for a job.
Is there anything that you do that you know is a total waste of time, but you do it anyway?
Of course there is.
Mine is to take those stupid little quizzes that are all over the internet. I have no idea why I do it. But I always do.
In fact, just now, as I turned on my computer to do some work that didn’t get done at work yesterday, I continued to not get it done. Because my old bloggin’ buddy, MJ Monahan, posted a piece. I hadn’t planned on checking out any blogs, because I have work to do. But MJ hasn’t posted in a million years or so, and he is really good. So I figured, well, what’s the harm. How long could it take?
MJ posted Who Am I — 12 Buzzfeed Quizzes and reported what they revealed.
So I had to take the 12 Buzzfeed quizzes. Because I have an incredible amount of work to do and no time to waste.
And now I have to report what they revealed. Because I have an incredible amount of work to do and no time to waste.
However, I plan to steal the entire format from MJ. Because I have an incredible amount of work to do and no time to waste.
1. The fruit I’m most like:
I’m not entirely sure that in this day and age that this question is politically correct. Nevertheless, I took the quiz:
Like MJ, I am a strawberry.
Strawberries are tiny berry bosses. When the strawberries come in, it’s serious. SERIOUS FUN. Is there anything more fun and flirty than a strawberry? Everyone loves them. But not everyone can have them, especially when they’re not in season. You’re IN DEMAND.
Strawberries are OK; I have wonderful memories of strawberry picking with Jacob when he was young and we lived near a farm.
2. What I should have been named:
Also like MJ, I like my first name, Elyse. I didn’t as a kid, though. I wanted to be named anything common — Mary or Marie. Anything that folks could read, pronounce, and spell. But I came to like it a lot, and I love the fact that I was named after one of my coolest relatives, Tante Elise.
I got FLOSSIE. FLOSSIE! WTF Buzzfeed?
You’re Flossie! Congrats — this name is amaaaazing. It was more popular at the turn of the 19th century, but you’re bringing it back!
No. No. A thousand times No.
3. Which season I would fall in love:
While we knew each other for years, John and I started dating in January, moved in together in April, and married in September of the following year.
Autumn is a time for new beginnings, and this will be the biggest one of all. You and your new boo will flirt with each other over yummy fall-themed drinks and steal each other’s sweaters and basically live the beautiful autumnal clichés of your dreams while falling slowly and sweetly in love.
Not exactly, Buzzfeed. And Buzzfeed? It should be “IN which season would I fall in love.” Grammar matters.
4. My most annoying office habit:
You like to keep tabs on your co-workers, and what better way to do so than asking each of them individually what they had for lunch? What people eat says a lot about them, and you consider yourself somewhat of a lunch detective. Keep on questioning!
Um, No, Buzzfeed. In my tiny office, you can smell anything anyone is consuming down the hall. So there is no need to ask. And I have far more annoying habbits. Trust me!
5. My personality type:
I’m a wanna-be laid back person who isn’t really as laid back as I think I am or as I want to be. At least that’s what my husband tells me.
You are a blustery and sentimental ball of emotion. You live hard and love harder. It’s just one adventure after another and you despise those who can’t let themselves chew on the meat of existence. “LIVE, YOU BLOODLESS AUTOMATONS!” is a phrase you have said or will say in the near future.
Well, I do tend to get a bit worked up, now and then. But only when pushed to it. Ammirite?
6. What other people find attractive about me:
Some people are made into leaders, but you were born one. You’re driven, ambitious, know what you want, and know how to get it. You’ve always done things on your own terms, and you’re a BO$$ in your own right.
Ummm, somewhat. If I were more so I would be rich and famous.
7. My ACTUAL personality type:
You like to play things by ear and have always been a carefree person. You’re all about achieving balance and living life to the fullest. You’re relaxed, take things as they come, and always aspire to live a life full of happiness.
I’m probably Type B unless you’re working for me on this project. Then I come earlier in the alphabet.
8. My favorite color:
You are practical, down-to-earth, and like your favorite color implies, you love nature and the outdoors. You tend to wear your heart on your sleeve and connect well with people, which sometimes makes others “green” with envy.
Green’s OK. Except that horrible lime green that is so popular now. And I was once in a play about the 8 deadly sins and I played envy, so OK. I’ll go along with green.
9. What’s my sixth sense:
That’s partially because you, yourself, are also hot. This hidden sense then comes from your own hotness, as well as your desire to be around other hot people.
Buzzfeed, you’re just messin with me now.
10. What color is my aura:
You’re energetic, outgoing, and fun to be around. You’re a people pleaser who also enjoys being the center of attention. Still, you are highly attuned to others and sensitive to their needs. Your enthusiasm might lead you to start too much too quickly; if you can focus, you will succeed.
So I am an extroverted suckup? Thanks Buzzfeed. And don’t you try to suck up to me by telling me that if I don’t screw up I might succeed.
11. More right-brained or left-brained:
Well, hello there, naturally creative person! You’re super curious, and have a wicked imagination, which means you’re drawn to things like art, performance, and music. You can also be impulsive, and tend to follow your heart more than your head. People love you for your creativity and independent spirit — never lose that!
Well, I’ll go along with the right-brained much of the time. Except when I’m not.
12. Where should my next vacation be:
You’re spontaneous, inquisitive, and all about experiencing new things. Exploring is everything to you, and you don’t need a big city to do that in. Eat at local diners, stay in tiny motels, and snap photos along the scenic routes. Small details matter to you, and getting there is half the fun. Potential trips you should take include winding your way through Italy’s Amalfi Coast, riding through Alaska’s Seward Highway, discovering Kentucky’s Bourbon Trail, or taking the 113-mile drive from from mainland Florida to Key West.
Well done, Buzzfeed.