Hey Doc? Do I Need This?

Perhaps I mentioned it a time or two, but I am something of an impulse buyer.  I succumb to all those “buy one, get one free” offers.  The “50% OFF!s,”  and, naturally, every sale.

Huffington Post Picture

Huffington Post Picture.  I just don’t get enough opportunities to use it.


The other day, I had to make an appointment for a medical test at a large DC hospital center.  Because I am a patient extraordinaire, I have all my tune ups and oil changes done at a major medical center.  The hospital version of Jiffy Lube.  I like feeling like my surgeons are on the cutting edge, and that my gastroenterologists are qualified to show others just what to put into my orifices.  I do not like amateurs poking about where I can’t see them.

But now?  Modern healthcare is just getting better and better!

Because there are all kinds of deals available.  I can shop for services at my local hospital!  How can you beat that?  You see, the MBAs have taken over healthcare.  So it’s just another consumer good.  Right?

In fact, I learned that I can purchase all kinds of pancreatic treatments!  Really!  Right there at Georgetown!  I can even, if I want, sign up for a pancreatic transplant!

But WAIT!  There’s MORE!

I can get deep brain stimulation!  I’m told while waiting on hold to make my doctor’s appointment, that it can treat (not cure) not just my GI problems, but illnesses, syndromes and conditions I don’t have!  Imagine that!

Yup!  I can treat not just my depression or bipolar symptoms, but my Parkinson’s Disease symptoms, too.  I’m not sure if I have to wait for those to develop first, or if I can just plunge right in and treat em.

Of course, I’m hoping that once my brain has been deeply stimulated,  I will come to understand why the MBAs think that someone with poo problems (and who spends way too much time with doctors and getting other treatments for the condition she is waiting on hold about) might enjoy some additional time in the hospital.  Because we all know just what a hoot those procedures can be.  Not to mention the designer gowns you get to wear.  Ammirite? 

Perhaps I can organize a girls’ retreat with my besties!  Hey girls, this gastric bypass is on me!

I’ve learned that I can have bloodless surgery at Georgetown, too.  I’d hate to make a mess.

The kidney tumors I also don’t have?  You guessed it.  They can be gone in no time.  Still gone.  Or maybe “Gone again” is the accurate description.  How about “Gone with the Wind?” Or is that mixing up body systems?

As soon as the lines open on Monday, I’ll be calling again.

These deals won’t last forever!




Filed under Adult Traumas, All The News You Need, Bat-shit crazy, Cancer, Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, Extra Cash, Family, Health, Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?

68 responses to “Hey Doc? Do I Need This?

  1. cooper

    I’m sure we can swap hospital stories at this point. Love that sale sign – stealing it for future use…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hospitals scare me to death and I am pretty much pissed at all doctors except my ophthalmologist who is a doll and very competent. The fact that hospitals, pharmaceutical companies, and doctors can advertise (i.e. seduce us) drives me crazy. In the meantime, try and find a doctor who will actually listen–ah, that is an anomaly!

    Liked by 1 person

    • And then, when you move, you will have to do it all again! That is really one thing that scares the daylights out of me. (In spite of the recording, my doctor is great.)


  3. Healthcare in this country is seriously screwed up. I’ll just do what so many others have: Blame Obama!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Alrighty then, can I just say I am entirely perplexed. I have always accepted some will volunteer for surgery to enhance their looks. Always accepted those bee stung lips, overflowing teets, frozen faces are a sign of the times. But come on, really?

    Maybe though, stimulated brains would help some of the marginal azzhats in DC. It is a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. well, I don’t know what to say about most of that… but what kind of sale were those signs advertising???

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Haha, Elyse! Love this! Probably start seeing coupons in the mail one of these days! But seriously, it gives me even more determination to take care of myself so I can STAY OUT OF HOSPITALS – not trying to convey a message here or anything…lol

    Liked by 1 person

  7. aFrankAngle

    This is just the kind of access that Newt talked about in 2012! … and just another example how Newt is ahead of his time.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. A little stimulation will cure my depression, eh? I was not aware of that.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Glazed

    I’m a DIY guy, myself. I go down to the local vet supply store and buy my own medical supplies, shots, instruments, etc. Saves lots of money. In fact, I’ve performed my own appendectomy. Now I’m working on how to perform a prostatectomy, but it’s a little tricky. I need to perfect a certain yoga move so I can maneuver into the correct angle of approach.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. If I’m right about this, I believe the first hospital commercial I ever saw was on TV in the late 1980’s or early 1990’s for the Washington Hospital Center, which at that time specialized in heart surgery. I remember thinking at the time, “Wow, really? Isn’t the hospital choice supposed to be made in the privacy of an examination room between patient and doctor???” The concept of a hospital actually having a commercial on TV threw me. Now, of course, it’s de rigueur, Ain’t the free enterprise system grand…

    Good luck at your appointment!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I kind of like the idea of a girls’ medical day – kind of like a girls’ spa retreat. We could all go for colonoscopies together, and maybe throw in a pap smear and mammogram (well, probably the colonoscopies would have to be scheduled last.) Afterwards, we could all be carted off to the hospital cafeteria for some of their excellent lukewarm “coffee” and as much puke-colored jello as we can eat. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? I’m in. Let me know when you set it up.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. There’s an app for this kind of thing. Glistening with all the modern fonts and look. You can purchase a year’s subscription with the first month free if you act right now (without hesitation) and sign up for automatic renewal. The deals get even better if you “share” this good news with “your social network.”

    Liked by 1 person

  13. They need an MBA with Crohn’s to know how to finetune the ads. Seriously, my son is getting his master’s in a new field: “Healthcare Administration. It’s similar to an MBA, but it’s focused on healthcare. In case you wonder–no, there is no marketing course ;).

    Liked by 1 person

    • That makes me feel better! Both that there is focus on health admin (as opposed to widgets) and that there is no marketing! Maybe he and his classmates can restore sanity to the hold line — or play classical music, anyway!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. So will a brain stimulation help wrinkles?


  15. I can’t be on hold to make my mammogram appointment for this reason. I’m a nervous wreck by the time a human picks up!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Gosh, this is all very alien to us over here with our National Health Service, but I’m pretty sure in your shoes I wouldn’t be able to resist either, I love a bargain too! Do they do 2 for 1s on things like limbs, or I dunno, ears, where you might need both doing?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Well, what else did you expect from a medical version of Jiffy Lube – of course, they’d try to sell you the medical version of whatever transmission rotations and carburetor flushings they’re always trying to sell while they doing the basic stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. dumbstruck. And very frightened.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Paul

    Ha! A real hospital actually gives info on deep brain stimulation? I thought that was hokum. Go easy on the MBAs – they are tools. Someone above them is directing the strategy. It would eventually lead back to the owners or shareholders. MBAs almost inevitably (unless it is a start-up)work for someone higher and do their bidding. Blaming them is like blaming the clerk at Wal-Mart for an increase in prices. There was an article some years ago in The Harvard Business Review, the preeminent resource in business, by a psychologist. He tested thousands of business people for sociopathy/psychopathy and found that the incidence was considerably higher in the upper echelons than it was in the general public. Those are the people making the decisions – scary what?

    Liked by 1 person

    • But Paul , the higher ups ALSO have MBAs. They are, in my opinion, the ones who don’t get the fact that the free market just doesn’t apply to healthcare. When you’re bleeding from scar accident you don’t take the time to weigh the options like you would in choosing a cereal!

      MBAs have taken over the US.


  20. Yep. Trying set up patient appointments listening to that drivel over and over again is enough to give anyone a disease or two or three.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Do they offer designer colonoscopies? That’s just nuts. Oh and the singing kidney needs voice lessons, or better yet to just not be on You Tube! HaQ

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Imagine–you and your hubs could have his and her brain stimulation! Doesn’t get more romantic than that. But hire someone other than that kidney to serenade you while you have it. His voice isn’t too great. Then again, what should one expect from an organ that makes pee?

    Liked by 2 people

    • The romantic possibilities! Carrie, I hadn’t even thought of them. Good thing our son is old enough to drive us home from the hospital! Because otherwise, we would overdose on medical care, just hangin’ there at the hospital. It wouldn’t be pretty.

      Liked by 2 people

  23. But is there a deal on the pain killers while recovering?

    Liked by 2 people

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