The other day, I had to make an appointment for a medical test at a large DC hospital center. Because I am a patient extraordinaire, I have all my tune ups and oil changes done at a major medical center. The hospital version of Jiffy Lube. I like feeling like my surgeons are on the cutting edge, and that my gastroenterologists are qualified to show others just what to put into my orifices. I do not like amateurs poking about where I can’t see them.
But now? Modern healthcare is just getting better and better!
Because there are all kinds of deals available. I can shop for services at my local hospital! How can you beat that? You see, the MBAs have taken over healthcare. So it’s just another consumer good. Right?
In fact, I learned that I can purchase all kinds of pancreatic treatments! Really! Right there at Georgetown! I can even, if I want, sign up for a pancreatic transplant!
But WAIT! There’s MORE!
I can get deep brain stimulation! I’m told while waiting on hold to make my doctor’s appointment, that it can treat (not cure) not just my GI problems, but illnesses, syndromes and conditions I don’t have! Imagine that!
Yup! I can treat not just my depression or bipolar symptoms, but my Parkinson’s Disease symptoms, too. I’m not sure if I have to wait for those to develop first, or if I can just plunge right in and treat em.
Of course, I’m hoping that once my brain has been deeply stimulated, I will come to understand why the MBAs think that someone with poo problems (and who spends way too much time with doctors and getting other treatments for the condition she is waiting on hold about) might enjoy some additional time in the hospital. Because we all know just what a hoot those procedures can be. Not to mention the designer gowns you get to wear. Ammirite?
Perhaps I can organize a girls’ retreat with my besties! Hey girls, this gastric bypass is on me!
I’ve learned that I can have bloodless surgery at Georgetown, too. I’d hate to make a mess.
The kidney tumors I also don’t have? You guessed it. They can be gone in no time. Still gone. Or maybe “Gone again” is the accurate description. How about “Gone with the Wind?” Or is that mixing up body systems?
As soon as the lines open on Monday, I’ll be calling again.
These deals won’t last forever!