Hey Doc? Do I Have To?

You know, there may be a good reason why the GOP hates science.

Sometimes it is just plain gross.

As a dog lover, my “gross-me-out-the-door” threshold is actually quite high — I can stand some pretty gross things.  Only today my dog Duncan did the following:

  • Drank from the toilet
  • Licked his genitals with relish*
  • Ate poop

Let’s face it.  Dogs are gross.

But we humans?  We are gonna give these pups a run for their, ummm, money.  Their kibble.  Actually, I’d like to give Duncan a run for that pair of shoes he’s always stealing, but that’s another story for another day.

Today’s story involves poop.

Remember last January when I told you guys all about how you can make big bucks with your butts?  Really!  I did! With this post:

Need Extra Cash?

Are you so rich that you’ve forgotten this already?  Forgotten that I told you that you can clean up by donating your poop so that it can be transplanted into

Poor suckers infected with c difficile, particularly nasty bacteria that is really hard to get rid of.

I even provide a chart by which you can measure just how useful you’re being:

Credit (if you want to call it that) Washington Post

Credit (if you want to call it that) Washington Post

The idea behind poop transplants, in case you’ve forgotten, is that scientists believe that we’ve made our guts too clean — we have too few of the good bacteria that lead to healthy poop left inside our guts.

Today I have an update!  Wait, wait!  Keep your pants on!

Unfortunately, this update will not increase your revenue making opportunities.  Still, scientific advances are awesome.

Because now, thanks to scientific advancements, those same poor suckers can now eat shit! 

Really! I read it in the New York Times:

Fecal Transplants Made (Somewhat) More Palatable

There is a  non-profit organization called OpenBiome that is dedicated to providing poop transplants to needy patients with c difficile.  And they came up with a poop pill.  These poop pills will go a long way towards flushing out the bacteria.

Wait!  Wait!   No they don’t!  They flush in good bacteria.  I mean you eat poop pills with good bacteria in them.  And probably some of the nasty stuff too.  Like poop.

And some day, poop pills may be available for folks like me with Crohn’s Disease and other crappy GI diseases.  They are testing poop transplants in folks even as we speak.


Photo: Erik Jacobs for the New York Times

Photo: Erik Jacobs for the New York Times

Personally, I’m keeping a close eye out on this treatment option.  Because with my Crohn’s Disease, some day I might just have to say, “Hey Doc, do I have to?”

* For the record, I do not put relish on my dog’s genitals.  Duncan is not a dachshund.


Filed under Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Bat-shit crazy, Being an asshole, Chronic Disease, Conspicuous consumption, Crohn's Disease, Diet tips, Dogs, Extra Cash, Family, Gas, Good Deed Doers, Health, Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor, I Can't Get No, Illness, keys to success, laughter, Mysteries, Pets, Poop, Science, Seriously funny, Shit, Shit happens, Taking Care of Each Other, Technology, Toilets, WTF?

53 responses to “Hey Doc? Do I Have To?

  1. LOL! Oh Lord, I missed your humour Elyse. Thanks for today’s laugh 😉


  2. Soooo, if I am in need of a bit of spare cash being that I am a woman and past my prime all I need to do is sell my … well, alrighty then. I am on it. What next?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, it might involve relocation as well as religious conversion. Oh and something of a change of lifestyle. There could be other things I’m not nailing here.

      BUT, I was once treated with a drug made from the urine of menopausal nuns living in the Italian Alps. So if selling your poop doesn’t keep you in, umm, clover, you could try that.

      (I do wish I was making this up. I’m not. It is one of many reasons why I am leaving my body to science. It’s the only way I can ensure that even posthumously, I’ll make folks laugh.)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, how life is filled with mystery and serendipity! This is the third time in a month that someone in my world has talked about poop transplants! Cosmic, man………
    If I ever find myself in the unenviable position of needing to take in someone else’s “fecal matter”, I vote for a suppository rather than a cookie!
    I, too, am a dog owner. Not going there!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The best thing about cats is that they don’t eat poop. They do CLEAN their genitals….with great vigor! As an IBS person I am closely monitoring all the poop stories! Gotta keep on top of this shit.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. And I thought my bad haircut was something I needed to overcome. I never have to look far to get some sense slapped into me

    Liked by 2 people

  6. lifespaller

    I’d love the poo pill. But, as an Australian, I’m disowning Duncan.


  7. Glazed

    Perhaps they’d be more popular if designed as suppositories. But I’m not sure if they’d be able to reach the target destination, unless they were shot up there with a compressed air cannister or something. But I think it’s a good enough idea to write poopRX and share this ingenious afflatus.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Between this and The Martian, poop is really getting a lot of good publicity this year

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Oh come on, my cat makes bigger pills than that. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Hahaha, you put quite the spin on things. This is a fascinating area, no doubt. When I attended the Cleveland Clinic Obesity Summit last month, there was a talk on how our gut microbiome can contribute to obesity. As a result, well-read patients who need fecal transplants have started to request transplanted poo from a thin person. As I said, fascinating. Shows how much we still have to learn about what goes on inside our bodies.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. OMG – was thinking the same thing about the relish… what does that mean?? Ha!
    I just saw the movie, “Martian,” with Matt Damon… you would be happy to know he grows his food source (potatoes) in human poop!
    As for the poop pill… I really do hope it can help with Crohn’s… best to get in a clinical trial right away before they fill up!

    Liked by 2 people

    • It means we think alike? Or that I led you to that cliff. One of the two!

      I loved that movie. And only partly because of the poop potatoes!

      And I hope it helps with all these shitty GI illnesses. But I am not a good candidate for CTs. I’m pretty complicated from the waist (waste?) down.

      Liked by 1 person

    • @ Nurse Kelly and Elise,

      I haven’t seen The Martian movie yet, but I did read the book – a terrific page-turner! Reading it, it occurred to me that astronauts on long space missions like that might well suffer from insufficient complexity in their micro biomes. From what I read, each of us (and Duncan too) is surrounded by a cloud of teeny critters and plants that differs markedly from person to person. Maybe such fartical (did I just make that up?) miasma is necessary to good health? If so, the pills jus might be essential to future Martians. Ugh. 😆

      Liked by 2 people

      • Sounds like you might be privy to some information that we don’t know about yet, Jim…
        I think there is much to be learned with respect to micro biomes and the health of one’s fartical miasma, indeed…
        And since we excel at taking such good care of our own inhabitants here on planet Earth, why shouldn’t we extend that courtesy to our intergalactic friends as well?
        We don’t want another “War of the Worlds,” on our hands, right? lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • There is actually a whole lot of research going on into this particular miasma — doesn’t it make you want to roll up your sleeves and plunge into it 💩 (let’s see if that shows up the way it was intended~)

        There really has been some fascinating stuff that came out when I was too busy to play much. One article I can’t find now stated that if you get a poop transplant, you end up with facets of their personalities — a depressive person’s poop will leave you more prone to such moods. Carrie (above/below who knows where the comment shows up) said that her research indicated that transplants from fat people led the recipient to get fat, too, and now folks want transplants only from thin people.

        Thus I think this creates a whole new issue for folks who are dating because ideally we would all like a mate from whom we’d be willing to get a transplant. My husband is a very serious sort — I am not. Would I want to get a transplant from him? I’m not so sure as I am much more fun, poop problems and all!

        But really I’ve read that astronauts have all kinds of issues with long-term space travel. But as someone who take a lot of long car rides with bowel issues, well, I don’t relish the distance between rest stops on a trip to/from Mars!

        Lastly, I find it interesting that you found the book a page-turner. John (an astrophysics major turned history major turned lawyer) read it and found it too detailed. He LOVED the movie, too.


      • I am so excited. Thanks to you, Jim, I have the code for the poop emoji. I am full of gratitude. And other things
        💩 💩 💩 💩

        Liked by 1 person

  12. OMG, I almost choked on my dinner. Hopefully, that’s not a CHEWABLE shit pill?
    As for Duncan, probably after doing those three things, he then wanted to give you doggie kisses? How special is that?!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. The post is awesome….the last line is hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Keep your pants on, keep your pants on … now you sound like my wife!

    Liked by 1 person

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