Yes, it is much better to give in to manufactured terror from folks we don’t know, than terror from the very same folks — the ones with guns and ‘God on their side’ who keep killing people. 
To donate to Planned Parenthood: https://secure.ppaction.org/site/Donation2?df_id=12913&12913.donation=form1
Filed under 'Merica, 2016, Abortion, Adult Traumas, All The News You Need, All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance, Bat-shit crazy, Beating that Dead Horse, Being an asshole, Campaigning, Cancer on Society, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Do GOP Voters Actually THINK?, Elections, Elections Matter, Gun control, Hypocrisy, Law, Oh shit, Planned Parenthood, Pro-Birth, Rerun, Shit, WTF?
Today as I prepare a million different dishes for Thursday’s feast, I thought I’d share (for a second time) another family story, about the year my Mom forgot her turkey. I’m pretty sure you’ll buy fresh from now on. I certainly do!
It seems like just the other day that I was talking about folks to whom strange things just happen. Maybe that’s because it was just the other day that I told this story.
I have a secret, though. I’m not the only person in my family with this, ummm, gift for attracting the strange and humorous. Dad used to say that if there was a weirdo within 5 miles of him, that weirdo would find Dad and have a nice long chat. But if something weird was going to happen, well, it would happen to Mom. Somehow I managed to inherit both weirdness magnets. Sigh.
But this is Mom’s story.
Mom wasn’t the bird lover in our family. Dad was. So I should have known something weird had happened when Mom identified a bird I was looking at from a distance. Mom and Dad were visiting John and I in Connecticut. She and I were driving not far from our house one day in about 1990, and I pulled over to look at the large birds circling above us. Back then large predatory birds soaring were still an unusual sight — when I saw those large silhouettes, I always assumed they were eagles. I mean, what else could it be? I kept trying to get a good look.
“They’re turkey vultures,” Mom said with complete certainty. “We see them all the time at home in Florida.”
They weren’t eagles?
(Google image, natch)
“Turkey vultures?” I said, not believing her for a minute. I’d never even heard of such a creature. Mom pursed her lips and looked back at me, slightly annoyed that I was questioning her (never seen before) bird identification skills.
I should have been suspicious. I should have know there was a story behind Mom’s new-found large bird expertise. I should have known that something weird was involved.
“They’re really big. And up close, they really do look just like turkeys.”
“When did you ever get ‘up close’ to a turkey vulture, Mom?”
She tried to avoid the question.
“Mom….” It was never too hard to get Mom to tell her stories. Something else we have in common. “Fess up…”
“It wasn’t my fault. That refrigerator at home is just too small.”
“Huh?”
“Well, it happened last Thanksgiving, but I didn’t want to tell you,” she laughed. “I knew I’d never hear the end of it.”
“Mom …”
“Dad and I went to the grocery store on Saturday, as usual, the weekend before Thanksgiving,” she continued. “And we bought a frozen turkey for Thanksgiving Dinner.”
“OK.” I wasn’t catching on.
“Well, it was a frozen turkey. Frozen solid. You know it takes days to thaw those things. You might as well try to melt an iceberg. I put it into the roasting pan and placed it on the counter to thaw. But I kept having to move it around that tiny kitchen to do anything else. Then, on Sunday night when I was making dinner, I needed my counter. So I put the still rock hard turkey into the carport.”
“Mom, doesn’t your carport get pretty warm? It is in Florida, after all.”
“Well, that wasn’t really the problem,” she said, laughing. “Not exactly, anyhow. Or not at first. The problem was that I forgot I’d left the turkey there. I woke up Thursday morning, ready to get started on Thanksgiving Dinner and couldn’t find my turkey! I thought I was going nuts. I knew we had bought one. ‘Where’d you put my turkey?’ I asked your father, accusingly. ‘I didn’t do anything with it. Did it get up and walk away?’ he asked. And then I remembered – ‘Oh Lord, it’s in the carport. I hope it’s still OK to eat.’”
“I went out the door to find the carport filled with turkey vultures–I don’t even know how many were in there. They were sitting on the car, on the workbench. On the floor. Everywhere! And you know, they really do look just like turkeys. They have those red heads and bulging eyes. They had torn the packaging apart and were eating our Thanksgiving turkey! I sent your father out to shoo them all away. And then he had to go to Publix to get something for our feast.”
I roared. So did she, remembering.
“I told him to get a piece of beef to roast. I’d had enough birds for a while.”
Mom was absolutely right. Turkey vultures look a whole lot like turkey turkeys. Especially after they’ve just had Thanksgiving dinner.
Photo by Tom Nichols, Fairfield, CA found here: http://www.ibabuzz.com/garybogue/2011/09/02/turkey-vulture-up-close-and-personal/
Oh, and her instinct was right — she should never have told me this story. She never did hear the end of it!
To those who aren’t over indulging this week, can I send you a few pounds?
Filed under 'Merica, Adult Traumas, Bat-shit crazy, Bloggin' Buddies, Conspicuous consumption, Cool people, Crazy family members, Diet tips, Disgustology, Driving, Family, History, Holidays, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor, laughter, Love, Missing Folks, Mom, Mom would die of embarrassment, Oh shit, Pets, Wild Beasts, WTF?
Every day of my life, I thank my lucky stars when I get up, go into my clean bathroom, and take care of business.
Some days of my life, I’m less thankful when I am somewhere where the only “facilities” have no running water. No handle to push. No way to wash my hands.
Of course, with my potty problems, I guess I’m more in tune to toilet issues than most people.
Why am I telling you this? You see, Thursday, November 19, is World Toilet Day. And of course, I’m (1) telling you about it; and (2) celebrating it.
A toilet stands outside the Llamocca family home at Villa Lourdes in Villa Maria del Triunfo on the outskirts of Lima, Peru, October 7, 2015. REUTERS/Mariana Bazo
The point of World Toilet Day is actually pretty important. People without access to hygienic facilities risk illness, many women are preyed upon and attacked as they seek out a place to go. Diseases are transmitted, including infections, cholera, well, here’s a picture.
The “F-diagram” (feces, fingers, flies, fields, fluids, food), showing pathways of fecal-oral disease transmission. The vertical blue lines show barriers: toilets, safe water, hygiene and handwashing.
Source Wikipedia
Hope you’re not eating.
World Toilet Day is to help the fortunate ones of us around the world realize that:
2.4 billion people around the world don’t have access to decent sanitation and more than a billion are forced to defecate in the open, risking disease and other dangers, according to the United Nations
We in the West are rather spoiled. And the reality of what some folks, many folks must deal with can be eye-opening.
About 25 years ago, my friend Ed got a grant and went to Africa to study something or other. It was his first experience visiting the Third World. When he came back, he talked only about poop.
It seemed that the city he had visited ran with raw sewage. Poop was in the gutters. Children played in those gutters. The sewage ran into the river that was used to irrigate crops.
Piles of poop were everywhere. In the street. Under trees. In the corners of buildings; everywhere, he said. Even inside. Ed described a memorable elevator in the middle of a hotel lobby, that he had seen. The decorative ironwork around the elevator shaft was delicate and beautiful. But the elevator didn’t run — in fact, the elevator itself had been removed. But people would stand with their backs to the elevator shaft, pull down their pants/up their skirts, hang their butts over the open elevator shaft. And they’d poop.
“I realized something incredibly important, “ said my horrified friend:
So when you’re thinking about the craziness in today’s world, maybe we all need to realize that part of our problem is that so very many people just don’t have a pot to piss in.
Filed under Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Farts, Flatulence, Good Deed Doers, Health, Health and Medicine, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor, Hypocrisy, I Can't Get No, Illness, keys to success, Mom would die of embarrassment, Neighbors, Oh shit, Poop, Shit, Shit happens, Taking Care of Each Other, Toilets, Useful thing to do with poop
Sorry guys. I’ve let you down. I know that you rely on me for news. And I failed you.
I haven’t written a single word about the GOP candidate kerfluffle on the debate and all those mean questions that the CNBC moderators asked.
So I thought I’d leave it to my spokesman to make my comments for me:
I mean, what more could I offer? What more can be said about these clowns and their “‘First Percent’ Running For Prez” problems? Not much.
Frankly even I, a political junkie, am getting sick of it all.
So I’ve been trying to figure out just what we can do to get a little bit of relief from it all, without, well, getting too much relief from it all. And I have a few ideas:
I must confess, I’m leaning towards the last one. Because I have just the city for the show! A city that combines crime with a Democratic Tradition!
Image Wikimedia
The Park City — Bridgeport, Connecticut!
Wait, wait! Don’t go. I’m not done! And I have good reason to suggest this location!
You see, I, personally, was born in Bridgeport– as were all of my family members whom you’ve come to know and love. The fact that we moved away really has no bearing on the issue of whether a good crime drama could be situated in Bpt.
Equally important, one of my relatives once served as Mayor of this fine city. I never met this cousin 238 times removed. But still, blood is blood and that’s important in any crime drama.
Lastly, on Tuesday, the City of Bridgeport — my home town — elected an ex-convict Mayor.
Image: Breitbart News (Still, it is really actually true — they DID elect an ex-con who’d gone to jail for cheating the City of Bridgeport!)
http://wtnh.com/2015/11/03/ex-convict-declares-victory-in-bridgeport-mayors-race/
Democrat Joe Ganim, 56, had served as mayor of Bridgeport – the state’s largest city – 12 years ago, from 1991 to 2003, when he resigned after being convicted of accepting hundreds of thousands of dollars from individuals and companies in exchange for sending city contracts in their direction, the New York Times reports.
Since he was released from prison five years ago, Ganim has worked as a legal assistant at his family’s law firm in Bridgeport, though he has not been able to have his law license restored.
Now tell me, which would you choose? To watch the GOP or to watch a colorful Democrat?
Filed under 'Merica, 2016, Adult Traumas, All The News You Need, All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance, Bat-shit crazy, Beating that Dead Horse, Bridgeport, Campaigning, Cancer on Society, Crazy Folks Running, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Do GOP Voters Actually THINK?, Political Corruption, Roots, WTF?
One of my favorite things about blogging, is that often, my bloggin’ buddies often give me the opportunity to tell stories that I don’t have the opportunity to tell.
Like this one.
Now you know that I had a wonderful childhood. As the youngest of five, somehow, I never felt unwanted, no matter what was going on. Except once.*
As I entered the kitchen, I noticed that my mom and two sisters, Beth and Judy, were sitting at the kitchen table, discussing anatomy. Female anatomy to be precise.. They were discussing “holes.” Their holes.
This might be a good time for guys to switch to another blog.
Yes, Mom, Beth and Judy were sitting at the kitchen table talking about their holes. Both of their holes. The TWO holes in their nether regions.
I was 7 years old, and very confused.
“But …” I started saying …
They didn’t want to listen. They continued talking, ignoring me.
Panic started to rise in me.
“But … but … listen to me!!!” I finally practically shouted.
They all turned to me and Beth said, “OK, Lease. What do you want to say.”
I looked around the table and said softly, in fear:
“I have three holes! There’s the one I pee through, the one I poop through, and one in the middle that doesn’t do anything. Don’t you guys have three?” Panic was building in me as I realized that the three of them just continued to looked at me. Judy rolled her eyes. She smirked.
“Nope. You’re just weird, Lease,” said Judy.
They all looked at me, blankly, until finally I left, taking my incomprehensible extra hole with me. And let me tell you that I was baffled about that opening for years.
For more than 50 years, I’ve wondered what that conversation was actually about. Over the years, I asked many times, but since the incident didn’t scar any of them for life, so they’d long since forgotten.
Now what does this story have to do with blogging and blogging buddies?
Well only yesterday my buddy Alice, of Coffee and a Blank Page commented on my blog piece, Tush Technologies and linked to an article more or less on this subject. Well, on the subject of vaginas, anyhow. Weird technological things about hoo-hahs to be exact.
Now I didn’t know that there was such a thing as a “menstrual cup” either. Apparently I haven’t changed much since I was 7. These new (to the extent anything used for Eve’s Curse can be considered “new”), more environmentally friendly collection devices. You can shove a cup into your box at the requisite time and, well, fill er up!
But according to the article that Alice sent me, there were draw backs with the cups. I’m sure you saw the problem leaking through, didn’t you.
Well, there was a problem Until Now. Because there is now smart, ummm, cootch, technology to keep that cup from runneth-ing over.
If I’m reading the article right, it will tell your smart phone when you need to, umm, dump.
Ain’t technology grand?
I don’t know exactly why, but this article made me think of something from another bloggin’ buddy, Father Kaine of The Last of the Milleniums.
* OK, I will admit I didn’t feel completely welcome that time when I was pushing into my newly married sister Beth’s bedroom when she’d pulled the bookcase in front of the door, either.
Filed under Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Awards, Bat-shit crazy, Bloggin' Buddies, Childhood Traumas, Conspicuous consumption, Disgustology, Family, Health, Health and Medicine, History, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor, I Can't Get No, laughter, Mom would die of embarrassment, Most Embarassing Moments Evah!, Oh shit, Out Damn Spot!, Science, Seriously funny, Shit, Shit happens, Sisters, Stupidity, Toilets, Why the hell do I tell you these stories?, WTF?
I got TWO!
I recommend Karen Kingsley and Kingsley Ink
The Highest Honor
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
FiftyFourandAHalf 