You all know what’s happened tonight. The yuge video of Donald Trump being an asshole. Talking about women disrespectfully. Claiming that, because he is a star, he can get women to put up with him being sexually abusive.
Right now, I’m waiting for Trump to put out a video apology. Or something.
But how can he apologize for who he is. Who we — including the folks who planned to vote for him — always knew he was?
Every day it seemed, there was a statement from this woman or that, saying that he hit on them or disrespected them.
Still, most of the GOP went along with him. Endorsed him. Sighed and signed on.
Paul Ryan. Mitch McConnell. John McCain. Kelly Ayotte. Ted Cruz. Marco Rubio.
Right now, folks are lining up to say “he’s a bad man.” “I can’t support him.”
Donald Trump is the same, vile man he was yesterday, before this film came out. They always knew it.
If Trump releases a video where he assures us, with the deepest sincerity, that he respects women, he will of course leave lots of folk out: Hispanics. Muslims. Blacks. Everybody but rich white men.
Me? I’m not ready to make nice. Go to Hell, Donald Trump. And don’t let the screen door hit you on the way out.
I swear, my life is the butt of one joke after another. And because it’s me, I do mean BUTT.
This morning over breakfast I read the news that researchers have just discovered another likely suspect for my Crohn’s Disease. Whoo-Hoo! I couldn’t wait to learn more about my future cure!
I was in my element. I am, after all, a fake medical expert AND a real expert patient. I quickly read the article and learned that researchers had found a fairly common fungus that was likely to be in my gut — a fungus amungus, as my Dad would have said. Candida tropicalis could be the culprit. And once you know the culprit ….
Naturally, my next step was to look up candida tropicalis to see what medicines I can take to get rid of it. But this is my life. And it is me.
And so I learned that the fungicides that are use to combat candida tropicalis are assholes.
Or really “azoles” — a specific class of anti-fungal drug.
Wikipedia image of one azole, Thiazol. Exactly what does it look like is happening here?????!!!!
Is it just me or does this seem like another poop joke on me???? After all, an azole by any other name ….
We all knew it would be a shit storm when the GOP got together to nominate Donald Trump in Cleveland. But even I didn’t think it would actually turn into a a convention hall where folks would be running for the bathrooms instead of the exits.
Apparently, though, they are. Because the GOP doesn’t just have a shitty candidate, they have norovirus:
The virus can be caught through contact from infected people or surfaces, or through consuming contaminated food or water. Norovirus inflames the stomach, the intestines, or both. Symptoms include stomach pain, nausea, diarrhea and vomiting. (Washington Post)
Of course, their candidate has been producing shit from his mouth and making the rest of the world vomit and crap their pants in fear since he announced he was running last year. And then again each time he speaks.
But with the norovirus taking hold of the delegates, I’m wondering if Mr. Trump needs a new form of transportation to make sure those delegates fill the convention hall to listen to the crazy line up of misogynists, racists and fear mongers.
Don’t you think that they should be riding in this fine vehicle:
Picture Credit: Father Kaine’s The Last of the Milleniums. Where else? He finds the best things.
I have written many posts about my heros. Political heroes like Adlai Stevenson and RFK. People who have spoken up and made a difference. But my current, live version of a hero is Senator Elizabeth Warren, Democrat of Massachusets.
Run Donald run. And I don’t mean for office. I mean head for the hills. I imagine there is some real estate for sale somewhere they allow misogynous white has-beens.
Like many Americans, I’m overweight. Mostly I’ve accepted what I look like. At least I do until someone pulls out a camera. Then I use my handy line:
“Do I have time for liposuction?”
Sadly, there’s never enough time for liposuction; they usually take the picture anyway. And when I see it I wish someone would suck away the extra bits and bobs.
Few things make me laugh harder than the idea of liposuction. I first learned of it in 1986. I was in the reception area of one of my then-clients, chatting with his secretary, Cindy, a constant dieter, when she announced:
“Did you know you can vacuum your fat away?” Cindy told me. “It’s a thing called Lip-O-Suction. They stick this little gizmo in your fat lumps and vacuum the fat out!”
“Why diet when you can vacuum!” I replied. Me and Cindy laughed and laughed. You just can’t tell me it isn’t a hilarious image: Women lining up in front of the Hoover before a date.
Eureka! Or is it Hoover? Sllluuuppppppp Google Image
Now, though, there is a weight loss gadget that makes even liposuction pale in silliness. Because folks have been busily inventing even sillier ways to get folks thin. Or thinner. Or, to totally disrupt their GI tract.
Introducing The Aspire Assist. A personal stomach pump. Yeah, I thought they were making it up, too.
Photo credit: Aspirebariatrics.com. But I found it at the article referenced below
The Aspire Assist helps with weight loss because it empties up to 30% of the contents of your stomach into the toilet. Before it reaches the inside or the outside of your butt. Before that cherry pie becomes love handles. Before those abs look more like a case than a six-pack.
Patients have a tube inserted into their stomachs then threaded out through an incision in the abdomen and capped with a poker chip–sized “Skin Port” valve.[…] Twenty minutes after eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner, the patient attaches a handheld device to the Skin Port and empties 30 percent of the contents of his or her stomach into the toilet.
Twenty minutes is enough time for your brain to be convinced that you are full, but not enough time for your stomach to digest the food, the inventors say, and that means 30 percent of the calories from your meal magically disappear.
Sounds too good to be true, ammirite? You can have all the benefits of bulimia without puking! Whoo-hoo!
Of course, as a fake medical professional, I have questions:
Can the Aspire Assist discriminate? I mean, can it choose to pull the ice cream out and leave the broccoli to work its way through my GI tract system?
Can it pull the pasta but leave the protein and the vitamins?
Can it please suck out the wine I drink so that I can be less of a cheap date?
Go ahead. I dare you to watch this. (I didn’t. Ewwwwww.)
I bet you didn’t play that video. I’ll also wager you’re not gonna get an Aspire Assist. anybody who has read this far is of above-average intelligence and has a seriously awesome sense of humor.
Some funny things should be enjoyed but definitely not be taken to heart. Or to stomach. Or drained into the toilet.
FiftyFourandAHalf 