But sometimes I just can’t hold it.
If you want to know if you know as much about shit as a fake medical professional/real expert shitter, here’s the link.
Category Archives: Flatulence
Separated at Birth or Spawning?
You tell me. Separated at birth?
I received these pictures in an email with no attribution. I’m assuming they can be found on google, though. 😉
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When Porno Would be a Public Service
When he was a young man, Ted Cruz, aspired to “make ‘tit’ films” and sought “World Domination, you know rule everything.” Today he is a top contender for the GOP Presidential nomination.
Quick! Will somebody please get this guy a job in porno so we can get him out of politics?
(My thanks to Father Kane of The Last of the Millennials where I first saw this gem.)
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Too Much Scoop
There are responsibilities that I take seriously. And giving all of you the scoop on poop is one of them.
But this week there is just too much. Too much scoop on poop, even for me.
Still, I can’t hold it all in. I must let it go. Besides, as I explained in Trifecta! all good comedy bits come in threes. So I had to, ummm, unload.
Number One: The first story is one that will, perhaps, ease your mind about all that downtime you spend at work in the bathroom. Because someone has invented a calculator to, well, calculate, how much money you make while on the pot.
Please don’t anyone tell my boss about this calculator. This image from the “Paid To Poo Calculator/Plumbworld”. I did not make that up.
***
Number Two: This one is toilet-focused as well. And really as suggested in this article, it could really save all of our asses, worldwide. I’m not just shitting you!
The article says that a British University (too embarrassed to own up to its research and identify itself) has developed:
A toilet that does not need water, a sewage system or external power but instead uses nanotechnology to treat human waste, produce clean water and keep smells at bay.
You won’t need that Brita Filter for long!
No need for this! Wikimedia Image
Seriously, though, a waterless toilet that could be developed and mass produced cheaply, and that would produce potable water, well, that would be truly wonderful for the world.
Science is pretty damn cool sometimes.
***
Number Three:
As a kid, a “Number Three” meant a fart. Usually an SBD — a “silent but deadly” one. But this number three? Far less benign.
Now as a person with serious bowel disease, I will confess that I worry that some day I will “go” the way of many famous people. That I will die literally on the loo. Those people include Elvis (who did not leave the building), Judy Garland (who did not make this list), and Catherine the Great of Russia (who may or may not have died on the toilet but her descendants have preferred the version to the one that says she died-while-having-sex-with-a-horse).
Still, if I die by poop, I’d always expected it would come from below the belt. Not above. And certainly not far above.
Shit! Now I have something new to worry about. Just what I need. Death via blue ice falling from the sky.
Wanna guess what blue ice is?
Apparently, blue ice is frozen shit falling from the sky. And pee too. Raining down from airplanes. And it is landing on and injuring unsuspecting people.
As the article states:
The Times of India reports that Rajrani Gaud from Madhya Pradesh suffered a severe shoulder injury when she was hit by a football-sized chunk of ice last month.
[…]
The newspaper claims that aviation scientists believe she may well have had the misfortune to become one of an incredibly rare group: people who have been hit by what the airline industry coyly calls “blue ice”.
That’s its euphemism for the frozen human waste that very occasionally forms around the overflow outlets for aeroplane toilets, and then falls to earth. “Blue” because of the chemicals added to the toilets in planes to reduce odour and break down the waste.
Oh shit (from above). Hurting people.
Judy Garland. Who was happy before blue ice hit.
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It isn’t often that this happens to me.
If there is a way for me to lose large amounts of money through no fault of my own, it will happen. Those bucks are history. Or, more likely, my money is in somebody else’s pocket.
Damn.
But when the Volkswagen scandal hit the news this past fall, I will honestly say I breathed a sigh of relief.
You see, we’d been looking to replace my car for well over a year at that point, and a Volkswagen Golf Sportwagen was in the running. (We wouldn’t have gone for a diesel though. Even though I had no inkling of the cheating, I figured sooner or later any diesel was going to smell like my neighbor’s Mercedes Diesel which not only stinks to high heaven, but increases the particulate content of the atmosphere 10-fold every time he fires the damn thing up.)
Wikimedia photo.
When we read about the cheating, Volkswagen immediately came off the list. So did Audi and Porsche, which were only on the “Wish” list anyway.
Why would we want to buy a car from a company that intentionally cheated its customers and damaged the environment?
I felt bad for the folks who’d bought any Volkswagens, though, because surely the value of their cars plummeted, diesel or gas-powered. A car is a huge investment for most of us; this hurts big time.
I knew there would be lawsuits out the wahzoo brought by people who had been defrauded. There are times when lawsuits are absolutely justified. This is one of them.
Enter the GOP.
Photo credit: All Things Democrat
Later this week, the U.S. House of Representatives will vote on a bill that will screw folks who bought Volkswagens. It will take away the ability of them to file a class action law suit. And of course, class action is the only way that individuals have a prayer of getting any money back for their losses.
H.R. 1927, the hilariously titled “Fairness in Class Action Litigation Act,” was introduced by Neanderthal congressman Bob Goodlatte (R-I’m sure you’re shocked-VA) — and the House is expected to vote on it this week.
The bill states that it will do the following,
This bill amends the federal judicial code to prohibit federal courts from certifying any proposed class seeking monetary relief for personal injury or economic loss unless the party seeking to maintain such a class action affirmatively demonstrates that each proposed class member suffered an injury of the same type and scope as the injury of the named class representatives. (Emphasis added)
In short, that means that every single Volkswagen owner must have identical factors in order for a Class Action suit to be allowed to go forward. That means that, in order to join a class action lawsuit, each and every Volkswagen purchaser must have:
- Purchased the exact same vehicle
- Paid the same amount for their vehicle
- Driven the same amount of mileage
- Etc. etc. etc.
The entire purpose of the bill is to prevent Class Action law suits. [For those unaware of what this means, a class action law suit is when a group of normal people who have been injured band together and sue a large entity for redress. Class action lawsuits are the only way a group of normal consumers can maybe, possibly, get some measure of restitution. How we can keep from being screwed.
Earlier today, I wrote to my congresswoman, asking her to vote against this bill. Because while it impacts the folks who bought Volkswagens, it will be used to prevent class action law suits from the time it is enacted onwards. And sooner or later, it will impact all of us.
If you would like to write your Congressman or woman, and tell them to vote against this bill, here is the link to find your Rep: http://www.house.gov/representatives/.
Thank you to my bloggin’ buddy, Mark, at Lean Left for reminding me of this story and inspiring me to write about it.
FiftyFourandAHalf 