Category Archives: A Little Restraint, Perhaps

Keeping Our Heads for Four Years

If you were a news junkie during the George W. Bush era, you’re already experiencing deja vu.  That sinking feeling already makes your eyes roll automatically when Putin’s President appears.  It settled into the back of your neck from the whiplash as you shake your head and shout “no, no, no, no, no, no, no!” over the latest outrage or tweet.  And it’s there in the pit of your stomach, when you try not to vomit whenever you see the color orange.

Yup, it’s started.  The Deluge.  The Flood.  The Trump shit storm.

trump-and-putin

During the Bush years, I would just be ready to pounce on one issue, when another hit the fan and took the wind out of my sails. Resistance is hard if there is just so much to resist.

How, I worried in the days since November 8, will I survive Trump.  I feared a heart attack.  A stroke.  Getting so scared I’d shit in my pants.   Of course I worry about the last one sometimes during a scary movie.

Anyway, I’ve come up with a strategy for a hybrid Resister/Surviving Human.  I’m going to become a political centaur!

centaur-female

Google Image.  No shit will be given by this filly.

 

I’m going to take my mother’s marital and parental advice and apply it to my activism.  She said:

Choose Your Battles!

Me, I’m going to try to focus on issues I know about and/or that are closest to my heart.  The ones I write about here on FiftyFourAndAHalf.

But that won’t be all I do.  I will look for and follow the lead of others who are knowledgeable about other issues, and I will try to help to the extent I can.  It’s not hard, really, to make calls to Congress and the White House.  Really, it just takes a minute.  You or I can even just cut and paste and hit “send.”

But I will try my very best to keep my blood pressure — and my outrage to livable levels.

George W. Bush kept us all off balance because there were so many things to be outraged about, that we couldn’t keep it up.  Different bad presidents need different tactics.

And Trump will make the Dubya years look like a walk in the park.  And that park is in Baghdad.

 

 

51 Comments

Filed under 'Merica, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Abortion, Adult Traumas, All The News You Need, Bat-shit crazy, Cancer on Society, Chronic Disease, Curses!, Disgustology, Do GOP Voters Actually THINK?, Don't Make Me Puke, Dying Dreams, Elections Matter, Fuckin' Donald Trump, Good Deed Doers, Good Works, Gross, Gun control, Hands off My Medicare, Health and Medicine, House of Representatives, How stupid can you be, GOP?, How the Hell Did We GET HERE?, Huh?, Hypocrisy, I Can't Get No, Just Do It and I'll Shut Up!, Kakistocracy, keys to success, Mental Health, My Right to Protest, Not My President, Oh shit, Planned Parenthood, Political Corruption, Politics, Saving the World, Shit happens, Shit Your Pants Scary, Shitty GOP, Size Matters, Taking Care of Each Other, The Real Red Scare, Tom Price, Trump is a Putz, Trump Legally Declared a Slug, Trump Mis-Administration, Useful thing to do with poop, Washington, What a Maroon, What a Putz, What must folks in other countries be thinking?, Where does the GOP get these guys?, Where is Joseph McCarthy when we need him?, WTF?

Smitten-ish

As I’ve told you, comedy always comes in threes.  And today?  Today was a veritable shamrock of humor.  And you know what?  Just when I had had a long lapse in providing all of you with the information that brings you here, it was all poop-related humor.

You’re welcome.  It’s my new years’ gift for you.

It started just as soon as I got up and, ummmm, and checked the news headlines.  I learned that the Japanese are wiping up.  Literally.  They are supplying antiseptic wipes for your phone in public bathrooms.  Now, I personally wipe my phone quite frequently, so I actually thought this was a great idea, right out of the, ummm, gate.

But then I saw that they provide video instructions.  On how to use toilets, different butt wiping techniques, and step-by-step guides for how to wipe your phone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWje_E6xqEs

I know you didn’t click on that.  But you should have.  At first, I admit that I only watched part of it, because I consider myself a toilet expert.  Nobody does the elephant or the horse style better than (or as often as) me.  However, the full international experience is worth your 2:11.

You know what?  The day got better.

Because I also learned about special-use mittens.  They are wet-wipes in the shape of mittens to keep your hands clean while wiping.  They’re called “Shittens.”  Really!  Here’s the product description:

If there’s one great universal truth that we can all agree on, it’s this: No one wants poop on their hands.

And yet, we laugh carelessly in the face of danger every time we take an old fashioned wet wipe to our heinies, flying completely blind in the critical poop-to-hand spatial relation.

How many times have you taken one of those substandard wet wipes to the posterior of a child, risking major contamination from that flailing poop cloth? And how many times has your dog’s “number two” been a little closer to a number one “and a half”, requiring a deadly grab & pull maneuver with whatever’s laying around? Enough is enough!

With new Shittens, you can fully protect your hands while tending to the dirty deed.

If you’re 12, or are generally short on bathroom humor, just go to the Shittens’ Amazon Q&A page/Customer reviews.  You won’t be disappointed.

Lastly, I read an article that might just give me nightmares:

A woman called Animal Control last week after she found a snake in a toilet in an Arlington County apartment. To repeat: She. Found. A. Snake. In. A. Toilet.

snake-in-toilet

Photo Credit:  Arlington County Animal Shelter.

At a minimum, it will make me use the buddy system whenever I skip to my loo.

The snake is a juvenile Yellow Anaconda.  Researcher that I am, I looked up Yellow Anaconda snakes.  Here’s what I learned:

They belong to the family of snakes, Boidae, which contains pythons, boas and the green anaconda, the world’s largest snake. Even though yellow anacondas are much smaller their cousin the green anaconda (Eunectes murinus), they can reach a length of up to 4.6 meters, but the average adult size is around 3 meters.  [Shit, I had to underline that.]

Thanks for the info, Snake Facts!

All I can say is that if I found a large snake (or even a small snake, now that I think about it) in my toilet, I wouldn’t call the animal shelter.  I’d call Amazon for a shitload of Shittens.  

shittens

Because it would be “cleanup on aisle 3,” for sure.

63 Comments

Filed under 'Merica, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Bat-shit crazy, Class Act, Crohn's Disease, Good Works, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor, Oh shit, Out Damn Spot!, Poop, Seriously funny, Seriously gross, Shit happens, Shit Your Pants Scary, Taking Care of Each Other, Toilets, Wild Beasts, WTF?

Jingle Bells, Santa Smells …

It was a staple of my childhood.  In fact these lyrics always pop into my head whenever somebody sings Jingle Bells.

Jingle bells

Santa smells

Easter’s on its way …

The clip below was either produced by my childhood best friend, Liz, or other people sang our version, too.  I’m guessing the latter.

And it is an early gift to me, and to you.

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!  Leave the fan on!

29 Comments

Filed under ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, Bat-shit crazy, Chronic Disease, Class Act, Crohn's Disease, Curses!, Disgustology, Farts, Flatulence, Gas

Dear Electors

Today’s New York Times broke my heart by informing me (can you believe it? — A Newspaper!) that while the electors in the Electoral College will vote tomorrow (Monday, December 19), we won’t actually know the results until January 6.  Shit.

UPDATE!

I was wrong.  I misunderstood.  Perhaps I read the Russian rules.

Trump just now went over the 270 needed to become the 45th (and possibly last) President of the United States.

WE’RE OFFICIALLY SCREWED.

Now back to my original post which is now completely irrelevant:

Still, I want to take just one more opportunity to beg:

Dear Electors:

Please don’t let Donald Trump actually become President of the United States.  He’s cray-cray.  And could you possibly imagine listening to that 6th grade speaking style for 4 years?  Not to mention the fact that he’s already pissed off most of Asia.

Oh and there is that whole bit about Russia interfering with our election.

trump-and-putin

Google Image

So please, please, vote carefully.  Vote as if the future of the world is in your hands.  Because it is.

Sincerely,

2.8 Million (and counting) American Voters

30 Comments

Filed under 'Merica, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Adult Traumas, All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance, Baby You Can Drive My Car, Bat-shit crazy, Beating that Dead Horse, Campaigning, Cancer on Society, Clusterfuck, Crazy Folks Running, Criminal Activity, Cyber Brownshirts, Don't Make Me Puke, Don't Take My Medicare, Donald Trump, Dying Dreams, Elections, Elections Matter, Fuckin' Donald Trump, Good Deed Doers, Hands off My Medicare, Health and Medicine, How the Hell Did We GET HERE?, Huh?, Humor, I Can't Get No, Just Do It and I'll Shut Up!, Kakistocracy, keys to success, Most Embarassing Moments Evah!, Not stealing, Oh shit, Saving the World, Shit Your Pants Scary, Taking Care of Each Other, Trump Legally Declared a Slug, Vote, Voting, Washington, What a Putz, Wild Beasts, WTF?

“Cyber Brownshirts”

If he did it in a vacuum, it wouldn’t matter.  If nobody listened to him, it wouldn’t matter.  If nobody took it upon themselves to act on his comments, it wouldn’t matter.

But people do.  When Donald Trump Tweets, others act.

And it’s never pleasant.

We’ve all heard the stories.  Most recently it was this one:

Chuck Jones, who is President of United Steelworkers 1999, has done a terrible job representing workers. No wonder companies flee country!

What happens after Trump Tweets?

Threats.  In phone calls, on social media, in the mail.

Trump himself doesn’t threaten.  Like the folks who clean his toilets, he has people for that.

“Cyber Brownshirts” will do the dirty work.

Buckle Up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29Mg6Gfh9Co

I know he’s a Hitler Youth, not a Brownshirt.

22 Comments

Filed under A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Adult Traumas, All The News You Need, Ammosexuals, Assassination assignment?, Bat-shit crazy, Beating that Dead Horse, Being an asshole, Cancer on Society, Clusterfuck, Cowardly Gun Owners, Criminal Activity, Cyber Brownshirts, Disgustology, Don't Make Me Puke, Elections Matter, Fuckin' Donald Trump, Gross, Hillary for President, Huh?, Humor, I Can't Get No, Insighting violence, Kakistocracy, Oh shit, Poor looser