Category Archives: All The News You Need

I’ll Take That as a Compliment

Dr. C wiped a tear from her eye, hugged me and laughed as she walked me out of the examination room after my semi-annual tune up the other day.

“I have never had this much fun during a consultation, Elyse,” she said.

I love this doctor, my gastroenterologist.  She is bright, listens, figures out the best treatment for me, and incredibly importantly for me, she has a fabulous sense of humor.  That’s incredibly rare for a gastroenterologist as I’ve mentioned before.

“I’ve been keeping up with all the research on poop transplants,” I told her.

Yes!  It’s fascinating, isn’t it?”

Even though they aren’t currently being used for IBDs like mine, well, I do keep up with the research.  Obviously, you do too.  Why else would you be reading this post about poop?

Canadian Poop

How could I resist this image?  I know it’s Canadian and they have single-payer health care and I don’t, but you will admit, it’s funny.  Thanks, Google Images. You’re the bomb.  Errr…

Did I lose you there?

Our discussion continued down that same hole …

“I read that you have to be very careful who you get one from,” I said, proud of the depth of my knowledge.  “I read that if you get one from a grumpy person, or a depressed one, you can take on these traits.  Or fat people (thanks, Carrie!)”

“I actually have a patient who had a poop transplant.  She had c difficile,  and the transplant came from a heavy person.  She’s actually gained a lot of weight!”

“I used to think I’d get one from my husband.  But he’s kind of a curmudgeon, and he has risks of a couple of other diseases that I don’t want to get.* But mostly it’s the curmudgeon thing.  I don’t want to become a crank.  Besides, he refuses to laugh at my jokes.  Since I’m often the only one laughing, taking his shit might make my career as a humor blogger short-lived.”

“You’ll have to just tell him to keep his shit to himself!” Dr. C said, roaring with laughter.  Suddenly she realized, oh shit!  I’m talking to a patient!

“‘My doctor says you have to keep your shit to yourself!’ — That’s what I’ll tell him!  –Maybe then, he’ll stop leaving his crap all over the kitchen counter!”

Poop!

Google Image.

“Maybe you have to get your poop transplant from a model — a smart and beautiful one.  You don’t want to get your poop transfer from somebody stupid, because we don’t yet know if it can impact your IQ.  So you should choose somebody really smart — a scientist might be good.”

I looked over at her.  She’s healthy.  She’s slender.  She’s smart.  She has curly hair like mine.

“I want a poop transfer from you!” I announced.

She quieted her laugh for a moment.

Uh-oh, I though.  I’ve gone too far.

“You know, that may be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

We both roared with laughter.

“Great. Lemme know when they figure out that poop transplants really do work on Crohn’s.  I’ll bring the sterile cup.”

Poop 4

Where do you think I found this?

 

* Nobody can say I don’t protect my husband’s privacy.  Ammirite?

***

While this blog was awaiting publication, I found this article in my inbox:

Gut Bugs Affect Cockroach Poop-ularity

By Jef Akst

Commensal bacterial living in the gastrointestinal tracts of cockroaches lace the insects’ feces with chemical cues that mediate social behavior, according to a study.

Lord, why me?

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Filed under ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Bat-shit crazy, Being an asshole, Chronic Disease, Conspicuous consumption, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, Health, Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor, I Can't Get No, Illness, keys to success, laughter, Most Embarassing Moments Evah!, Negotiating, Not stealing, Oh shit, Poop, Poop transplants, Satisfaction, Science, Seriously funny, Shit, Shit happens, Taking Care of Each Other, Toilets, Why the hell do I tell you these stories?, WTF?

Support Your Local* Blogger**

It broke my heart when I learned that Gibber, of Gibber Jabber, needed to work.  She needed food.  A home.  Socks.

It broke my heart to learn that because of those pedestrian needs, Gibber was reluctantly closing her blog.  She collected questions, silly and serious, and we all provided the answers!  It was great fun.  You remember it, surely!

gibber-jabberin

Whoa is me, to have questions yet unanswered.  To have the question collector need to make a damn living.

Well, to make a short story long, Gibber had to make some money.  Dinero.  Big, fast bucks — Canadian so they don’t quite count up so quickly.

So our Gibber set up shop as a candle crafter.  Yes!  She started Sparking Hope Candles!  Hand-made, hand-scented, soy-based peace in a mason jar.  Her candles are really beautiful. See?

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Sparking Hope Candles

And they smell good.  And they support soy farmers who aren’t bloggers as a rule, but still.  I’m sure they’re nice folks too.

Gibber’s candles can be ordered either through her Shopify page:  or through Facebook.

Go have a look.  And if you’re as behind in your holiday shopping as I am, give Sparking Hope Candles a go!  Because we need to support our local* bloggers.**

And now for the footnotes, because I am a professional writer and footnotes contain useful information that nobody reads.  But they should:

 

* To paraphrase Forrest Gump, Local is as local does.  Or maybe I could paraphrase former Speaker of the US House of Representatives Tipp O’Neill and say All Blogging is local.  Or maybe I should quote you directly and say “Shut UP, Elyse!  We don’t care if Gibber is local or not!”

** Perhaps I should paraphrase … no?  No paraphrasing?  OK.  Gibber hasn’t been blogging lately because she needs to make a living.  So you can buy a candle, or you can click the red “X”.

*** My apologies to Glazed.  I was going to reblog his post, Sparking Hope Cain’t Be Drunk but West Virginia is currently beating Virginia in basketball and I just couldn’t quite get my hillbilly on.

**** SHIT!  I didn’t get a fee for this advertisement!  It’s just like those ones that Word Press inserts when you’ve said, “NO!  I don’t want advertisements on my blog!”

***** Anybody who noticed that there is no footnote ***, ****, or ***** gets a prize.   A candle they can buy themselves.  From Gibber!

 

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Filed under All The News You Need, All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance, Bloggin' Buddies, Cool people, DON'T go back to your day job either, Humor, Just Do It and I'll Shut Up!, Missing Folks, Peace, Satisfaction, Taking Care of Each Other

The NY Times — Right on Target

On the front page of today’s New York Times is an editorial I could easily have written. If I could write that well.  If I worked for the NYTimes.  If I had millions of readers who’d nod and say “Right On!”

Silence on Guns - Eiko Ojala NYT

Image credit:  Eiko Ojala – for the New York Times, 12/4/15

Actually I’m mixing this image from an editorial published yesterday in the NY Times.  Because like me, the NY Times believes that we need sensible gun laws.  And so they, like me, keep beating that dead horse.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here’s today’s front page editorial reproduced in full:

End the Gun Epidemic in America

Half staff - Doug Mills - The NYTimes

Doug Mills for the New York Times

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How To Get Gun Control Legislation Enacted

It was a Sunday night in, I think, 1982, and I arrived home from my late night walk with Goliath at the U.S. Capitol grounds.  We’d had a lovely walk, on the always safe grounds.

US Capitol

US Capitol at night. Image Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/intrepid00/14504378266

 

When I got home, my roommate Keily met me at the door.

“Are you OK?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I responded, thinking she was weird.

“They just reported on the 10 O’Clock News that a bomb went off at the Capitol.”

“Oh!” I responded, and sat down to watch the news.

If I had heard or seen anything, I would have reported it. But in fact, there was nothing unusual about my walk that night.  Nothing at all.

Tuesday morning, I headed to the Rayburn House Office Building bright and early to attend a hearing.  I was stopped by the guard on my way in.  My briefcase and my purse were searched.

36 Hours Later.

Stupidly, I cracked a joke to a security guard who was suddenly actually guarding security.

“Now why did you have to say that?” he said. “Now I really have to look.”

As the days went on, more and more security was added.  No longer could I be at two places at once.  I (and half of the other twenty-somethings in DC) had long been leaving my briefcase in one hearing with a tape recorder running while my body attended a second one.  That became a thing of the past.

Within a very short time, security increased by leaps and bounds.  Metal detectors were installed; the life of a low-level lobbyist became more of a pain in the ass than it had been.

Our Congressional Representatives and our Senators were protected, though.  For a long time, I thought that was fine.

Until mass shootings became common.  And until those very same Congressmen and Senators refused to act to protect people in the US from the danger of random gunfire.  Until fealty to the National Rifle Association (the NRA) and keeping their jobs — became more important than the safety of regular people.  More important than protecting students in their schools, shoppers in their stores, workers in their offices.

So here’s my idea:

Let’s take down those metal detectors.  Stop paying for them to have security guards at every door.

The real world is a dangerous place.  And the folks who refuse to make it less so, should not hide behind shields the rest of us don’t have.

*     *     *

 I am not advocating violence against Congress or against anybody.  I oppose violence — and I am strongly in favor of sensible gun control laws.  But until the folks who make the laws — or in this case, DON’T make the laws — have the same concerns as the rest of us, well, nothing is going to happen.

And in fact, in the 1960s, Governor Ronald Reagan actually repealed open carry laws when Black Panthers led by Huey Newton made the legislators a wee bit nervous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under 'Merica, 2016, 2nd Amendment, Adult Traumas, All The News You Need, Bat-shit crazy, Beating that Dead Horse, Cancer on Society, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Do GOP Voters Actually THINK?, Elections, Elections Matter, Goliath Stories, History, Huh?, Hypocrisy, Memoir writing, Stupidity, Taking Care of Each Other, Vote, Voting, Washington

Yup. Let’s Fear 3-year Old Syrian Refugees. 

Yes, it is much better to give in to manufactured terror from folks we don’t know, than terror from the very same folks — the ones with guns and ‘God on their side’ who keep killing people.   To donate to Planned Parenthood:  https://secure.ppaction.org/site/Donation2?df_id=12913&12913.donation=form1

 

41 Comments

Filed under 'Merica, 2016, Abortion, Adult Traumas, All The News You Need, All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance, Bat-shit crazy, Beating that Dead Horse, Being an asshole, Campaigning, Cancer on Society, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Do GOP Voters Actually THINK?, Elections, Elections Matter, Gun control, Hypocrisy, Law, Oh shit, Planned Parenthood, Pro-Birth, Rerun, Shit, WTF?