Dr. C wiped a tear from her eye, hugged me and laughed as she walked me out of the examination room after my semi-annual tune up the other day.
“I have never had this much fun during a consultation, Elyse,” she said.
I love this doctor, my gastroenterologist. She is bright, listens, figures out the best treatment for me, and incredibly importantly for me, she has a fabulous sense of humor. That’s incredibly rare for a gastroenterologist as I’ve mentioned before.
“I’ve been keeping up with all the research on poop transplants,” I told her.
“Yes! It’s fascinating, isn’t it?”
Even though they aren’t currently being used for IBDs like mine, well, I do keep up with the research. Obviously, you do too. Why else would you be reading this post about poop?
How could I resist this image? I know it’s Canadian and they have single-payer health care and I don’t, but you will admit, it’s funny. Thanks, Google Images. You’re the bomb. Errr…
Did I lose you there?
Our discussion continued down that same hole …
“I read that you have to be very careful who you get one from,” I said, proud of the depth of my knowledge. “I read that if you get one from a grumpy person, or a depressed one, you can take on these traits. Or fat people (thanks, Carrie!)”
“I actually have a patient who had a poop transplant. She had c difficile, and the transplant came from a heavy person. She’s actually gained a lot of weight!”
“I used to think I’d get one from my husband. But he’s kind of a curmudgeon, and he has risks of a couple of other diseases that I don’t want to get.* But mostly it’s the curmudgeon thing. I don’t want to become a crank. Besides, he refuses to laugh at my jokes. Since I’m often the only one laughing, taking his shit might make my career as a humor blogger short-lived.”
“You’ll have to just tell him to keep his shit to himself!” Dr. C said, roaring with laughter. Suddenly she realized, oh shit! I’m talking to a patient!
“‘My doctor says you have to keep your shit to yourself!’ — That’s what I’ll tell him! –Maybe then, he’ll stop leaving his crap all over the kitchen counter!”
Google Image.
“Maybe you have to get your poop transplant from a model — a smart and beautiful one. You don’t want to get your poop transfer from somebody stupid, because we don’t yet know if it can impact your IQ. So you should choose somebody really smart — a scientist might be good.”
I looked over at her. She’s healthy. She’s slender. She’s smart. She has curly hair like mine.
“I want a poop transfer from you!” I announced.
She quieted her laugh for a moment.
Uh-oh, I though. I’ve gone too far.
“You know, that may be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
We both roared with laughter.
“Great. Lemme know when they figure out that poop transplants really do work on Crohn’s. I’ll bring the sterile cup.”
Where do you think I found this?
* Nobody can say I don’t protect my husband’s privacy. Ammirite?
***
While this blog was awaiting publication, I found this article in my inbox:
Gut Bugs Affect Cockroach Poop-ularity
By Jef Akst
Commensal bacterial living in the gastrointestinal tracts of cockroaches lace the insects’ feces with chemical cues that mediate social behavior, according to a study.
Lord, why me?
FiftyFourandAHalf 
This is great, Elyse. The fecal transplants helped researchers start the studies on mice and obesity when they noticed a thin person gained weight when getting the transplant from a chubby person. Love your conversation with the GI specialist. Made me laugh out loud.
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Thanks. She is a wonderful doctor and actually treats me more like a person than any (of the dozens) doctor I’ve had before. I’ve actually written about poop a lot because, well, I’m intellectually anal retentive and have to get it out somehow.
I just went over and subscribed to your blog. Now I have to go to the grocery store and wonder what folks are making up about me. Thanks. Thanks a lot. 😉
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I love it when a Dr “gets you” and treats you like an equal not just a disease or a symptom.
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Me too! And this doctor certainly does!
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I would be proud to be put on the list as a poop donor for you. My blood is A+ and I like to think my poop is too. Plus, I’m not remotely crabby. If I give you any shit, you’ll be all sunshine and sparkles in no time. People will go out of their way to avoid you.
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What a bang up first comment! If I take your shit, would I lose my edge? Because I am always giving folks shit myself. In fact, that phrase will take on a whole new meaning!
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Very timely. My IBS came to visit yesterday and stayed just in time for the holidays. Now I’m terrified to go out to dinner! I need a new GI doc. I want yours!
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She is great. And she said everybody has a flare over the holidays! Does that help or hurt?!?!
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Don’t you just love it when you can have an actual conversation with someone? Especially if they laugh at all your jokes. Even better if they are someone who usually has to wear the “I’m dead serious” hat. (By the way, it’s no coincidence that “dead” and “serious” are so closely approximated in that sentence – too much of one, causes the other). Although the subject matter was not in my wheelhouse, I would still have enjoyed being a fly on the wall. Cause, you know, sh*t has a way of attracting flies. So they can get a giggle, too. All while enjoying the human conversational interaction between two people who understand that life needs a bit of levity. Seriously.
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…ooo000ooo…
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LOL! In a really weird coincidence, I’ve recently had a conversation with my doctor about poop transplants. It wasn’t nearly as funny, but there were moments.
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Don’t you wonder why someone would become a gastroenterologist? I do. What draws you to that particular field of study instead of, say, the immune system?
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I DO wonder. When you read about the GI tract, it’s fascinating and with all the current research into the flora and fauna it’s becoming more so. But the practical application?!?!? Yuck!
Then again, there are no pretty diseases. People don’t die the way they do in the movies.
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Admittedly, there are no pretty diseases, but certainly you can find something less repulsive? I’m a big baby. I’d make a poor doctor.
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A poorer patient. You have to get used to a lot of shit!
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I follow politics. I’m practically numb at this point.
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That’ll make everybody sick.
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Even a GI. And they’ve seen PLENTY.
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Shit like you wouldn’t believe …
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I dunno…If I feel like eating crap, I could just head to my nearest McDonald’s.
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Ah but you’d end up fat and with diabetes to boot.
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So funny! But I’ve actually read a bit about poop transplants–and heard about it on NPR. Yeah, I’m a nerd. 🙂 Your doctor sounds great.
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My doctor IS great, Merril — smart as can be and very compassionate. I’d follow her anywhere!
You may have read about poop transplants here, too. Cuz they’re interesting AND hilarious!
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I’ve been paying some attention to this, too, even though I have a pretty healthy gut. Seems like I recently saw they can encapsulate it, so you swallow…
Love my doc, too, though I have to admit we aren’t the pair of comedians you and your doc are.
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Yes, there is a poo pill so you can truly eat shit. Sigh. I wrote about it here: https://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2015/11/12/hey-doc-do-i-have-to/
It doesn’t seem terribly palatable to me!
It’s great that you love your doctor — it’s an incredibly important relationship!
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We are lucky. She is my husband’s doc, too, and we like the fact that she knows us in both contexts, patient and spouse of patient.
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Ah yes, I did see your post, but I’ve also read about it elsewhere. Hey, if I needed it I would do it. Whatever… right?
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Right!
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I suspect that only people with an IBD will truly find the humor in this post. I’m pretty much full of shit already, but if I ever need a transplant, I’ll email Victo – I could really use her sense of humor, smarts, and compassion.
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Well you will be delighted to know that she though I had complimented my doctor, so you may have found yourself a donor!
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That IS a great compliment!!!! 🙂
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Well I’m glad you think so, VD — because you’ve gotten a similar compliment right here at 54.5! Because we are a lovely bunch of folks!
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*blushes* Aw, shucks!!!! .:-D
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I think you mean “Aw, shits …”
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LOL! Yes!!!!!
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Oh wow, this is too funny. I bet you are such a fun patient. I loved all my patients (well, most of them…), but there were some that made my eyes light up when I saw them on the schedule. I bet you’re that way for her.
That’s interesting that she had a patient who gained weight after a fecal transplant from an overweight person. See? I wasn’t steering you wrong. After all, I heard it at a Cleveland Clinic conference!
Thanks for making me laugh, and for your awesome sense of humor in the face of a NOT awesome disease.
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As a patient I think I’m probably a mixed bag. Because I know enough to ask really hard questions and then I get in my own way sometimes. But I truly have a lot of affection for her — she has really helped me immensely. And she is not a stony serious person, but very personable — even when she’s not being the 2nd half of a comedy duo!
I immediately thought of you when she told me that about her other patient. She said that the woman hadn’t been able to stop eating and had really gained a lot of weight … I knew you wouldn’t steer me wrong!
But you know, there is nothing much I can do about this shitty disease but laugh at it when I can. I try to keep the misery to a minimum because complaining about it really doesn’t help.
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No, I suppose it doesn’t, but hopefully you allow for major whinefests on occasion. You’ve surely earned it.
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You know what? They really don’t help, although they do happen. I just try to keep it to a minimum. My family — particularly my husband — is a casualty of this shitty disease too. So, while I know that there is a real danger that some day I WILL be a terrible burden on them, I try to minimize it while I can.
Unless of course my poop transplant takes. Then all bets are off!
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Well, fingers crossed for the poop transplant! And sphincters too!
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I’ll keep my legs crossed too. That always helps!
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I’ll donate some of my poop, if you don’t mind becoming a grumpy old man. Let me know. I’ll send it Priority First-Class, because only the best for you.
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Thanks, but if I want to be a grumpy old man I can get it fresh at home!
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You know, I sounded unappreciative of your generous offer. I know doing this would take a lot out of you, and that would stink. But personally, I’d rather be a trim, cheerful, young and brilliant person like my doctor. I’m sure you understand.
So really. Keep your shit together. 😉
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Thanks for declining my offer. It takes a lot of pressure off me. I was afraid it would be a real strain to eke out a donation. And if there was a time deadline, I’d have to eat a ton of prunes to have any chance of making it.
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You are the only person that I know, virtually or otherwise, who can find humor in poo, and I so admire you for it 🙂
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Really? You need to get to know some adolescent boys! Farts are hilarious, too.
But I will admit that poo is not always funny. Sometimes it’s downright shitty.
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