Sometimes a metaphor actually plops into your lap. Or your hands. Or into someplace you hope you don’t drop your cell phone.
That happened to me today, when I read an article in the Huffington Post about one of the, ahem, priorities, of the folks setting up Friday’s Inauguration of Donald J. Trump. And really, it is a metaphor for what is to come.
You see, whenever there is a big event here in the DC area, there’s a lot of shit going on. Literally. Lots of people = lots of pee and poop! So port-a-potties line the Mall, surround the Monuments; and ring the Capitol itself. And in the DC area, one company has the scoop on poop.
When I saw that headline, my first thought was, “Of course they are. They’re covering up all kinds of shit.” But this time they’re not covering up the shit, but the name.
Photo Credit: Michael Showalter for the NY Post
Of course folks are covering up Don’s shit. But it’s up to us to pull off the tape and show the world Don’s Johns. That will be our job for the duration of Trump’s presidency — whether that is for 2 weeks or 4 years. To pull off the tape on Don’s Johns. To expose every breach of law, each unethical behavior, all threats to the rule of law.
THAT is how we will survive Trump. Because you can’t paper over the truth for long.
As I’ve told you, comedy always comes in threes. And today? Today was a veritable shamrock of humor. And you know what? Just when I had had a long lapse in providing all of you with the information that brings you here, it was all poop-related humor.
You’re welcome. It’s my new years’ gift for you.
It started just as soon as I got up and, ummmm, and checked the news headlines. I learned that the Japanese are wiping up. Literally. They are supplying antiseptic wipes for your phone in public bathrooms. Now, I personally wipe my phone quite frequently, so I actually thought this was a great idea, right out of the, ummm, gate.
But then I saw that they provide video instructions. On how to use toilets, different butt wiping techniques, and step-by-step guides for how to wipe your phone.
I know you didn’t click on that. But you should have. At first, I admit that I only watched part of it, because I consider myself a toilet expert. Nobody does the elephant or the horse style better than (or as often as) me. However, the full international experience is worth your 2:11.
You know what? The day got better.
Because I also learned about special-use mittens. They are wet-wipes in the shape of mittens to keep your hands clean while wiping. They’re called “Shittens.” Really! Here’s the product description:
If there’s one great universal truth that we can all agree on, it’s this: No one wants poop on their hands.
And yet, we laugh carelessly in the face of danger every time we take an old fashioned wet wipe to our heinies, flying completely blind in the critical poop-to-hand spatial relation.
How many times have you taken one of those substandard wet wipes to the posterior of a child, risking major contamination from that flailing poop cloth? And how many times has your dog’s “number two” been a little closer to a number one “and a half”, requiring a deadly grab & pull maneuver with whatever’s laying around? Enough is enough!
With new Shittens, you can fully protect your hands while tending to the dirty deed.
Lastly, I read an article that might just give me nightmares:
A woman called Animal Control last week after she found a snake in a toilet in an Arlington County apartment. To repeat: She. Found. A. Snake. In. A. Toilet.
Photo Credit: Arlington County Animal Shelter.
At a minimum, it will make me use the buddy system whenever I skip to my loo.
The snake is a juvenile Yellow Anaconda. Researcher that I am, I looked up Yellow Anaconda snakes. Here’s what I learned:
They belong to the family of snakes, Boidae, which contains pythons, boas and the green anaconda, the world’s largest snake. Even though yellow anacondas are much smaller their cousin the green anaconda (Eunectes murinus), they can reach a length of up to 4.6 meters, but the average adult size is around 3 meters. [Shit, I had to underline that.]
All I can say is that if I found a large snake (or even a small snake, now that I think about it) in my toilet, I wouldn’t call the animal shelter. I’d call Amazon for a shitload of Shittens.
Because it would be “cleanup on aisle 3,” for sure.
Today’s New York Times broke my heart by informing me (can you believe it? — A Newspaper!) that while the electors in the Electoral College will vote tomorrow (Monday, December 19), we won’t actually know the results until January 6. Shit.
UPDATE!
I was wrong. I misunderstood. Perhaps I read the Russian rules.
Trump just now went over the 270 needed to become the 45th (and possibly last) President of the United States.
WE’RE OFFICIALLY SCREWED.
Now back to my original post which is now completely irrelevant:
Still, I want to take just one more opportunity to beg:
Dear Electors:
Please don’t let Donald Trump actually become President of the United States. He’s cray-cray. And could you possibly imagine listening to that 6th grade speaking style for 4 years? Not to mention the fact that he’s already pissed off most of Asia.
Oh and there is that whole bit about Russia interfering with our election.
Google Image
So please, please, vote carefully. Vote as if the future of the world is in your hands. Because it is.
FiftyFourandAHalf 