Category Archives: Cool people

Too Much Scoop

There are responsibilities that I take seriously.  And giving all of you the scoop on poop is one of them.

But this week there is just too much.  Too much scoop on poop, even for me.

Still, I can’t hold it all in.  I must let it go.  Besides, as I explained in Trifecta! all good comedy bits come in threes.  So I had to, ummm, unload.

Number One:  The first story is one that will, perhaps, ease your mind about all that  downtime you spend at work in the bathroom.  Because someone has invented a calculator to, well, calculate, how much money you make while on the pot.

Paid to poo

Please don’t anyone tell my boss about this calculator.  This image from the “Paid To Poo Calculator/Plumbworld”.  I did not make that up.

***

Number Two:  This one is toilet-focused as well.  And really as suggested in this article, it could really save all of our asses, worldwide.  I’m not just shitting you!

The article says that a British University (too embarrassed to own up to its research and identify itself) has developed:

A toilet that does not need water, a sewage system or external power but instead uses nanotechnology to treat human waste, produce clean water and keep smells at bay.

You won’t need that Brita Filter for long!

Brita

No need for this!  Wikimedia Image

Seriously, though, a waterless toilet that could be developed and mass produced cheaply, and that would produce potable water, well, that would be truly wonderful for the world.

Science is pretty damn cool sometimes.

***

Number Three:

As a kid, a “Number Three” meant a fart.  Usually an SBD — a “silent but deadly” one.  But this number three? Far less benign.

Now as a person with serious bowel disease, I will confess that I worry that some day I will “go” the way of many famous people.  That I will die literally on the loo.  Those people include Elvis (who did not leave the building),  Judy Garland (who did not make this list), and Catherine the Great of Russia (who may or may not have died on the toilet but her descendants have preferred the version to the one that says she died-while-having-sex-with-a-horse).

Still, if I die by poop, I’d always expected it would come from below the belt.  Not above.  And certainly not far above.

Shit!  Now I have something new to worry about.  Just what I need.  Death via blue ice falling from the sky.

Wanna guess what blue ice is?

Apparently, blue ice is frozen shit falling from the sky.  And pee too.  Raining down from airplanes.  And it is landing on and injuring unsuspecting people.

As the article states:

The Times of India reports that Rajrani Gaud from Madhya Pradesh suffered a severe shoulder injury when she was hit by a football-sized chunk of ice last month.

[…]

The newspaper claims that aviation scientists believe she may well have had the misfortune to become one of an incredibly rare group: people who have been hit by what the airline industry coyly calls “blue ice”.

That’s its euphemism for the frozen human waste that very occasionally forms around the overflow outlets for aeroplane toilets, and then falls to earth. “Blue” because of the chemicals added to the toilets in planes to reduce odour and break down the waste.

Oh shit (from above).  Hurting people.

Judy Garland.  Who was  happy before blue ice hit.

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Filed under ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Bat-shit crazy, Chronic Disease, Church, Cool people, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, Flatulence, Health, Health and Medicine, History, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor, I Can't Get No, keys to success, laughter, Oh shit, Pooders, Poop, Satisfaction, Shit, Shit happens, Taking Care of Each Other

Support Your Local* Blogger**

It broke my heart when I learned that Gibber, of Gibber Jabber, needed to work.  She needed food.  A home.  Socks.

It broke my heart to learn that because of those pedestrian needs, Gibber was reluctantly closing her blog.  She collected questions, silly and serious, and we all provided the answers!  It was great fun.  You remember it, surely!

gibber-jabberin

Whoa is me, to have questions yet unanswered.  To have the question collector need to make a damn living.

Well, to make a short story long, Gibber had to make some money.  Dinero.  Big, fast bucks — Canadian so they don’t quite count up so quickly.

So our Gibber set up shop as a candle crafter.  Yes!  She started Sparking Hope Candles!  Hand-made, hand-scented, soy-based peace in a mason jar.  Her candles are really beautiful. See?

slide_2

Sparking Hope Candles

And they smell good.  And they support soy farmers who aren’t bloggers as a rule, but still.  I’m sure they’re nice folks too.

Gibber’s candles can be ordered either through her Shopify page:  or through Facebook.

Go have a look.  And if you’re as behind in your holiday shopping as I am, give Sparking Hope Candles a go!  Because we need to support our local* bloggers.**

And now for the footnotes, because I am a professional writer and footnotes contain useful information that nobody reads.  But they should:

 

* To paraphrase Forrest Gump, Local is as local does.  Or maybe I could paraphrase former Speaker of the US House of Representatives Tipp O’Neill and say All Blogging is local.  Or maybe I should quote you directly and say “Shut UP, Elyse!  We don’t care if Gibber is local or not!”

** Perhaps I should paraphrase … no?  No paraphrasing?  OK.  Gibber hasn’t been blogging lately because she needs to make a living.  So you can buy a candle, or you can click the red “X”.

*** My apologies to Glazed.  I was going to reblog his post, Sparking Hope Cain’t Be Drunk but West Virginia is currently beating Virginia in basketball and I just couldn’t quite get my hillbilly on.

**** SHIT!  I didn’t get a fee for this advertisement!  It’s just like those ones that Word Press inserts when you’ve said, “NO!  I don’t want advertisements on my blog!”

***** Anybody who noticed that there is no footnote ***, ****, or ***** gets a prize.   A candle they can buy themselves.  From Gibber!

 

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Filed under All The News You Need, All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance, Bloggin' Buddies, Cool people, DON'T go back to your day job either, Humor, Just Do It and I'll Shut Up!, Missing Folks, Peace, Satisfaction, Taking Care of Each Other

Mom’s Most Memorable Meal

Today as I prepare a million different dishes for Thursday’s feast, I thought I’d share (for a second time) another family story, about the year my Mom forgot her turkey.  I’m pretty sure you’ll buy fresh from now on.  I certainly do!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

It seems like just the other day that I was talking about folks to whom strange things just happen.  Maybe that’s because it was just the other day that I told this story.

I have a secret, though.  I’m not the only person in my family with this, ummm, gift for attracting the strange and humorous.  Dad used to say that if there was a weirdo within 5 miles of him, that weirdo would find Dad and have a nice long chat.  But if something weird was going to happen, well, it would happen to Mom.  Somehow I managed to inherit both weirdness magnets.  Sigh.

But this is Mom’s story.

Mom wasn’t the bird lover in our family.  Dad was.  So I should have known something weird had happened when Mom identified a bird I was looking at from a distance.  Mom and Dad were visiting John and I in Connecticut.  She and I were driving not far from our house one day in about 1990, and I pulled over to look at the large birds circling above us.  Back then large predatory birds soaring were still an unusual sight — when I saw those large silhouettes, I always assumed they were eagles.  I mean, what else could it be?  I kept trying to get a good look.

“They’re turkey vultures,” Mom said with complete certainty.  “We see them all the time at home in Florida.”

You lookin' for me? (Google image, natch)

They weren’t eagles?
(Google image, natch)

Turkey vultures?” I said, not believing her for a minute.  I’d never even heard of such a creature.  Mom pursed her lips and looked back at me, slightly annoyed that I was questioning her (never seen before) bird identification skills.

I should have been suspicious.  I should have know there was a story behind Mom’s new-found large bird expertise.  I should have known that something weird was involved.

“They’re really big.  And up close, they really do look just like turkeys.”

“When did you ever get ‘up close’ to a turkey vulture, Mom?”

She tried to avoid the question.

“Mom….” It was never too hard to get Mom to tell her stories.  Something else we have in common.  “Fess up…”

“It wasn’t my fault.  That refrigerator at home is just too small.”

“Huh?”

“Well, it happened last Thanksgiving, but I didn’t want to tell you,” she laughed.  “I knew I’d never hear the end of it.”

“Mom …”

“Dad and I went to the grocery store on Saturday, as usual, the weekend before Thanksgiving,” she continued.  “And we bought a frozen turkey for Thanksgiving Dinner.”

“OK.”  I wasn’t catching on.

“Well, it was a frozen turkey.  Frozen solid.  You know it takes days to thaw those things.  You might as well try to melt an iceberg.  I put it into the roasting pan and placed it on the counter to thaw.  But I kept having to move it around that tiny kitchen to do anything else.  Then, on Sunday night when I was making dinner, I needed my counter.  So I put the still rock hard turkey into the carport.”

“Mom, doesn’t your carport get pretty warm?  It is in Florida, after all.”

“Well, that wasn’t really the problem,” she said, laughing.  “Not exactly, anyhow.  Or not at first.  The problem was that I forgot I’d left the turkey there.  I woke up Thursday morning, ready to get started on Thanksgiving Dinner and couldn’t find my turkey!  I thought I was going nuts.  I knew we had bought one.  ‘Where’d you put my turkey?’ I asked your father, accusingly.  ‘I didn’t do anything with it.  Did it get up and walk away?’ he asked.  And then I remembered – ‘Oh Lord, it’s in the carport.  I hope it’s still OK to eat.’”

“I went out the door to find the carport  filled with turkey vultures–I don’t even know how many were in there.  They were sitting on the car, on the workbench.  On the floor.  Everywhere!  And you know, they really do look just like turkeys.  They have those red heads and bulging eyes.  They had torn the packaging apart and were eating our Thanksgiving turkey!  I sent your father out to shoo them all away.  And then he had to go to Publix to get something for our feast.”

I roared.  So did she, remembering.

“I told him to get a piece of beef to roast.  I’d had enough birds for a while.”

Mom was absolutely right.  Turkey vultures look a whole lot like turkey turkeys.  Especially after they’ve just had Thanksgiving dinner.

Oh, and her instinct was right — she should never have told me this story.  She never did hear the end of it!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to my fellow ‘Mericans!

To those who aren’t over indulging this week, can I send you a few pounds?

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A Missed Opportunity

Dammit.  I missed it

Nuremberg.  The Nuremberg trials. Of course I wasn’t born yet.

I also missed the 70th Anniversary Commemoration.  At least I think I did.  I just Googled “70th Anniversary of Nuremberg” and I’m a little bit confused.  The 276,000 hits I got (in 0.64 seconds) give dates all across the spring of 2015.  I was reminded of the Anniversary when I saw that MSNBC has made a documentary about the trial.  I imagine I missed that, too.

Yup.  I missed all of them.  And while I regret not paying more attention to the 70th Anniversary (whenever it actually is), there is one Nuremberg-related thing that I truly regret, and I always will.

Did you ever see the movie Judgment at Nuremberg?

It’s a great movie.  Amazing performances by a phenomenal cast — Spencer Tracy, Burt Lancaster, Judy Garland, Marlene Dietrich, Richard Widmark.  Even William Shatner somehow got in there.  I watched the movie in high school because I had read that Judy Garland, whom I love, was in it and gave a terrific dramatic performance.  (She did.) I knew the names of each character in the movie.  They were real folks, and they made history.

In fact, I’ve always been fascinated by real people who make history.  I’ve always liked to learn their stories.  And I’ve been lucky enough to hear a few of them in person.

But back to the movie.  That movie made me think about what happened there, and to realize that it was a proud moment in world history.  We, the Allies, gave fair trials to people who were accused (and ultimately convicted) of some of the most heinous crimes ever committed by mankind.  Martin Bormann, Hermann Göring, Rudolf Hess, Albert Speer, among others.

Holy Shit!  That is really huge.  And the trials left their mark on how we conduct ourselves since:  International rules regarding how we treat and try alleged war criminals come from the Nuremberg trials, as did the Nuremberg Code that established the ethics of how medical research participants must be treated.

By now, you’re probably wondering what I’m yammering on about.  Sorry.  I’m getting there.

In the school year 1977-78, I was working at a law school as the administrative assistant for a large student organization.  I had a big office, right in the center of the school just off the main reception area, and at the head of a hallway that also held the offices of a bunch of professors.  My office had a couple of comfortable chairs, a couch and, most importantly, coffee and tea.  During the school year, loads of student congregated there.

That summer, like all summers, the school was quiet.  Very quiet.

One day, an older man stopped by my office and introduced himself. His office was a couple of doors down.

“Hi, I’m Professor Taylor,” he told me.

I introduced myself, and told him to feel free to stop by any time for coffee or tea.

Professor Taylor took me up on my offer.  Just about every afternoon, all summer long, we had tea together.  Professor Taylor was a visiting professor, and he seemed kind of lonely.  He was looking for someone to chat with.  He liked to chat. And he liked to ask questions, too.

I was surprised when he asked me my opinion of the other professors.

“But I’m just a secretary,” I objected.

“How someone treats a secretary is a great measure of a man — or woman.  You can tell a lot by how someone treats secretaries.  It’s easy enough to be nice to your peers; harder to be nice to people who aren’t.”

So we chatted all summer long — for two months.  He asked me a lot of questions.  About the other professors, about the students.  About Boston and things to do and places to go.  We talked about local restaurants, the best way to get from here to there.  As the summer progressed, he told me of places he’d traveled to with his family, other places where we’d both like to go.

He was such an incredibly nice man.

I thoroughly enjoyed our chats, and was sorry to see them end with the summer.  Of course, our tea parties ended when school started and my office became a beehive of students.  He started teaching classes.  Still, we stopped and chatted a bit when we ran into each other in the hall or in the cafeteria.

At the end of the school year when his visitorship was done, Professor Taylor stopped by and gave me a lovely can of wonderful English tea.

“I wanted to be sure to give this to you personally before I left this afternoon, Elyse.  They’ve evicted me from my office!”

“Who am I going to share this with this summer without you?” I responded.  We chatted a little bit longer, said our goodbyes and he left.

“Why did Telford Taylor give you tea, Elyse?” asked Lucas, one of the students who was in the office.

“We had tea together a lot last summer when we were the only folks here,” I responded.  “Lots of nice long chats.”

“Did he tell you about the trials?”

“Trials?”  I tilted my head at Lucas.  “What trials?”

“The Nuremberg Trials.  Telford Taylor was the lead prosecutor in the Nuremberg Trials.  He tried the Nazis!”

“Oh.”

There aren’t a whole lot of things that I truly regret about my life.  But I’ve always wished that I had known a little bit more about the man when we met for tea.  And I would have too, if he’d been a character in the damn movie.

Telford Taylor at Nuremberg Photo Wikimedia Commons

Telford Taylor at Nuremberg
Photo Wikimedia Commons

Not only was he the lead prosecutor at the Nuremberg trials, he stood up to Joseph McCarthy, an early objector to the Vietnam War, and lent his voice to many other political causes that I’ve long thought about.  When we were chatting over tea, I wasn’t terribly political, but I did have an interest in history.  And Professor Taylor was a playah.

I will never stop kicking myself.

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Filed under Cool people, Nuremberg Trials, Tea Parties, Telford Taylor