Earlier today, after spending hours trying to digest/swallow Putin’s President’s nominee for the Supreme Court, I tried not to vomit. That continued as I tried not to go ballistic over the fact that the Senate Finance Committee cheated by changing the rules for reporting nominations out of committee and sent PRICE — nominee who wants to gut Obamacare, Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security — out for an up or down vote on the senate floor. You see, in the real world — pre-Trump — the Senate had rules. They followed those rules. And things worked out OK.
Now? Not so much. Things don’t seem to be going quite so well.
So naturally, I thought of poop. And my friend Nikki/Jordan provided the backup for my concerns. Sloths.
So I’m figuring that the Trump Administration is a collection of sloths, all holding in their shit for a week at a time. And that explains how miserable they are. Constipation doesn’t make for happy government nominees.
Cut it out — right now. Just stop being an asshole. You’re far too young.
We already have to deal with Donald Trump sullying the Oval Office.
We already see our rights, our civil liberties, our healthcare, Medicare, Social Security, all flushed down the toilet. [No. I’m not going to illustrate a flushing toilet. What do you take me for?]
But you’re off to a bad start otherwise, too.
Stop taking people. Or stop taking good people.You need to take someone? I have some suggestions. Call me, 2017, so the U.S. Secret Service doesn’t.
But Mary? You took Mary? You left Trump and took Mary?
As I’ve told you, comedy always comes in threes. And today? Today was a veritable shamrock of humor. And you know what? Just when I had had a long lapse in providing all of you with the information that brings you here, it was all poop-related humor.
You’re welcome. It’s my new years’ gift for you.
It started just as soon as I got up and, ummmm, and checked the news headlines. I learned that the Japanese are wiping up. Literally. They are supplying antiseptic wipes for your phone in public bathrooms. Now, I personally wipe my phone quite frequently, so I actually thought this was a great idea, right out of the, ummm, gate.
But then I saw that they provide video instructions. On how to use toilets, different butt wiping techniques, and step-by-step guides for how to wipe your phone.
I know you didn’t click on that. But you should have. At first, I admit that I only watched part of it, because I consider myself a toilet expert. Nobody does the elephant or the horse style better than (or as often as) me. However, the full international experience is worth your 2:11.
You know what? The day got better.
Because I also learned about special-use mittens. They are wet-wipes in the shape of mittens to keep your hands clean while wiping. They’re called “Shittens.” Really! Here’s the product description:
If there’s one great universal truth that we can all agree on, it’s this: No one wants poop on their hands.
And yet, we laugh carelessly in the face of danger every time we take an old fashioned wet wipe to our heinies, flying completely blind in the critical poop-to-hand spatial relation.
How many times have you taken one of those substandard wet wipes to the posterior of a child, risking major contamination from that flailing poop cloth? And how many times has your dog’s “number two” been a little closer to a number one “and a half”, requiring a deadly grab & pull maneuver with whatever’s laying around? Enough is enough!
With new Shittens, you can fully protect your hands while tending to the dirty deed.
Lastly, I read an article that might just give me nightmares:
A woman called Animal Control last week after she found a snake in a toilet in an Arlington County apartment. To repeat: She. Found. A. Snake. In. A. Toilet.
Photo Credit: Arlington County Animal Shelter.
At a minimum, it will make me use the buddy system whenever I skip to my loo.
The snake is a juvenile Yellow Anaconda. Researcher that I am, I looked up Yellow Anaconda snakes. Here’s what I learned:
They belong to the family of snakes, Boidae, which contains pythons, boas and the green anaconda, the world’s largest snake. Even though yellow anacondas are much smaller their cousin the green anaconda (Eunectes murinus), they can reach a length of up to 4.6 meters, but the average adult size is around 3 meters. [Shit, I had to underline that.]
All I can say is that if I found a large snake (or even a small snake, now that I think about it) in my toilet, I wouldn’t call the animal shelter. I’d call Amazon for a shitload of Shittens.
Because it would be “cleanup on aisle 3,” for sure.
One day, shortly after starting my first job that involved a lot of writing, I realized that I worked for a magician.
Seriously! My boss, another John, could look at a good piece of writing and make it amazing. All he used was a pencil.
I can recall standing next to him as he looked over my memo that first time. He changed a “this” to a “that,” reorganized a couple of words in another sentence and handed it back to me.
Naturally, I figured that since he was the boss he had to do something to contribute; after all, his name was going on it. But when I looked at the simple changes he made, I was astonished. Those simple changes made a huge difference.
“Everybody needs an editor,” John said, smiling.
That was close to 40 years ago, and since then I have used that line constantly. I’ve said that to everybody I’ve ever worked with. To writer friends. To blogging buddies. Because it’s true. No matter how good a writer you or I am, different eyes notice large and small ways to make something good, better.
If you’re writing a novel, drafting a memoir, compiling blog posts into a future best-seller, you need an editor. Someone who can help polish, perhaps shorten or reorder. Someone who can tell you if your work makes sense, or if there are areas that need clarification/reworking. Someone who can change some “this-es” to “that-s,” reorganize a bit, cut, and shine up that manuscript you’ve been working on.
I have someone to recommend.
Karen Kingsley is an old friend of mine who has been a professional writer/editor for her entire career. For the last 15 years, she has been a freelancer. Her website is Kingsley Ink.
She’s written and/or edited just about anything you can come up with: books (fiction and non-), websites, web content, essays, marketing materials, advertising, blogs, speeches, resumes, cover letters, Facebook posts, tweets, press releases.
FiftyFourandAHalf 