Category Archives: Humor

Sometimes, These Things Happen

Unless you’re like me, you probably won’t believe this story.

No, this time it didn’t happen to me.  I don’t even know the principle characters involved in the story.  But I’m sure it’s true.

You see, there are some folks whose lives are filled with bizarre, inexplicable experiences.  Adventures.

I’m one of them.  After I was once held for ransom by the Washington Post, my friend Diana shook her head, laughed and said,

“Elyse, everywhere you go, you have adventures.”

She kindly refrained from inserting the word “stupid” in that sentence.  Still, she was right.

And I’m not alone.  In fact, based on the comments I received to my I Was Held For Ransom by the Washington Post story, there are a whole lot of us out there.

But perhaps no one is as “out there” – literally – as Nathan Baron, a high school student from Maine whom I just read about.

Yes, friends, Nathan is one of us.  Weird things just happen to him.  And last Saturday, well, something really strange happened while he was out there.  As in outside.  While he was hunting.

Nathan was sitting in a chair with his Remington .30-06 rifle, hunting.  No, sitting while hunting wasn’t the strange part.  But can I just please interject here that my image of the masculine hunter bringing home dinner has never before involved a collapsible Coleman chair?  Isn’t there some sort of stalking and movement involved in hunting?  Shouldn’t you at least have to stand for a while to make it more sporting?

Why be uncomfortable before drawing blood?  (Google Image)

Why be uncomfortable?
(Google Image)

Well, fortunately for Nathan, he was hunting in the woods just across from his house, because he had to poo (see, I told you that Nathan was just like me – I always have to go at the most inconvenient times).  Nathan plopped his gun up against a tree, climbed onto his 4 wheeler, and headed home to do his business comfortably.

[I gotta say it:  Nathan is not a bear.  So he doesn’t, you know … ]

Anyway, when he got back to his comfy chair in the woods from which he could shoot things, he couldn’t find his gun.  And that, of course, makes hunting that much more difficult.  What could possibly have happened to his gun?

As Nathan reported to the Bangor Daily News:

“There was a stream that was running about 100 feet away from me. I look, and there’s a beaver hauling that gun into the water,” he said.

The article continued: ” Let’s take a moment to let that sink in.  A beaver.  Stole.  His gun.”

Yes, apparently, the beaver just hauled it on home to his lodge without even getting a background check.

I will say that I’ve had many weird things happen to me, but none involved beavers.  Moreover, none of my guns has ever been taken by a wild animal.  Perhaps that is because I am smart enough to not have guns, which are dangerous in the wrong, ummm, paws.  And of course not having any guns makes it that much easier to keep them away from wildlife.  And bad guys.

But you know, I completely believe Nathan’s story.  Because weird, hard to believe things have happened to me my whole life.

Besides, who could make up such a stupid story?

I wonder if Nathan has a blog.

*     *     *

This is my 300th post!  Thanks everybody for making blogging such a delightful way to spend time.

73 Comments

Filed under Bloggin' Buddies, Childhood Traumas, Gun control, Huh?, Humor, Maine, Stupidity, Wild Beasts

Hertz — Donut

It’s been about 50 years since I said “yes” when somebody (probably my brother, Fred) asked me if I wanted a “knuckle sammich.”

It had been nearly as long since I said “yes” when somebody (probably my brother, Fred) asked me if I wanted a “Hertz Donut.”

It’s important to note that Fred was nowhere to be found when this happened.  So I can’t blame him.

In fact, I don’t recall actually being asked “Do you want a Hertz Donut.”  Nope.  I didn’t hear it coming.  But I got hit anyway.  Me and John did, actually.

Hertz Donut

You see, we flew up here to Maine to check on the repair work to our little cottage up here that was damaged in a fire.

We used our United Airlines frequent flier miles to pay for most of the ticket.  John noticed that they also offered a special deal on rental cars with prepayment.  Hertz!  Located right there in the Portland airport, not a zillion miles and a schleppy shuttlebus ride away.  Plus, the cost was the same as the other car rental companies.

Great!  Yes, I’d love a Hertz, ummmm, rental car.

But neither of us signed on for a Hertz Donut.

Still, that’s exactly what we got.  And it Hertz right in the wallet.

We got to the extremely convenient counter, gave our names and began our transaction.  John pulled out his drivers’ license, and I pulled out mine.

“That’ll be $13.99 per day for a second driver,” said the clerk, a bit sheepishly.

“Excuse me?” John and I said, both our mouths hanging open in shock.   “There’s never a charge for an extra charge for a spouse to drive a rental car.”

“There is with Hertz’ promotion with United,” responded the clerk,  apologetically.  (It wasn’t her fault, we knew that.  She was just doing her job.  So we groused politely, and not at her.)

We had pre-paid for our car, non-refundable, natch.  And we needed two drivers because we were doing all kinds of household chores.

We were not happy.  We had never had to pay extra for a second driver, let alone a spouse.  Have you?

An extra $100.  Hertz, Donut.

I don’t know about you, but I am really fed up with Corporations sticking their hand in my pocket.  Especially when they claim to be offering me a bloomin’ bargain.

Yup, and I'll make sure to go elsewhere from now on.

Yup, and I’ll make sure to go elsewhere from now on.

It makes me wanna give everybody at Hertz a knuckle sammich.

 

[All images are from Google, Natch.]

 

72 Comments

Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Driving, Huh?, Humor, Maine, Stupidity

Val Made Me Do It. Really

My friend Val of QBG_Tilted Tiara came to my rescue just this morning.  You see, I have been in a bit of a writing slump.  I write and then hit “delete” faster than I can retype what I just cut.  And since I was last clocked at 120 words per minute, that’s saying something.

Val explained in her most recent post how she had stolen pages from Oprah’s magazine and not only felt compelled to answer Oprah’s questions, but wants me to do so too.

Shit.

OK.  Here goes.  Please note that Val didn’t say that I have to answer them honestly.  Or seriously.  Of course, she also didn’t say I absolutely had to answer them.

I am so glad I learned the secret to… tooting my own horn.  I realized decades ago that nobody toots your horn.  You have to do it yourself.

And since nobody ever really listens to you when you are tooting (and that term can be taken literally, figuratively, or in the most juvenile way imaginable), it doesn’t matter so much if you do it repeatedly.

But I hope I never figure out… why opposites attract.  I am happily married to my husband, John, and have been for 27 years and counting.  But if I were to have described the man I’d marry 30 years ago, or 40 years ago, that vision would bear little resemblance to my actual husband. He is a serious, studious, intellectual and I am, um, frequently silly, often irreverent and not at all serious.  I am incredibly lucky that I chose John and that he chose me.  But I still often look over at him and say “HUH?”

When I need help with life’s mysteries, I turn to… three different people:  my old friend Keily, who saw me through some of my most difficult days; my niece, Jen, who is wise and snarky and filled with common sense as well as my genes which is a cross she must bear; my friend Judy, who makes me laugh, has been my friend for decades and is as wise as she is a wise-ass.  It is an invaluable combination.

I have been lucky in the friends I’ve fallen in with.  Very lucky.

My next challenge is figuring out…what I will write about next …

Val, got any more bright ideas?  I should post again in a few days and, ummmm, I’m dry …

49 Comments

Filed under Bloggin' Buddies, Family, History, Huh?, Humor, Stupidity, Taking Care of Each Other

How I’ll Make My Millions!

Nobody has ever accused me of being on the cutting edge of anything.  But I must say that I have missed some golden opportunities.  In fact, when I first hear about new things, I generally think that whatever it is is stupid.  It’s a trend that began years ago.   If I had invested in some of these things when I first heard of them, well, I wouldn’t be wasting my time blogging — I would be paying someone to write my blog for me.  I’d be that rich.

It was about 1979 when my then-roommate Elizabeth announced her brilliant idea.

“What if they made Coke without caffeine?” she said to me one night after she decided not to have a Coke because she was tired and it would keep her up.

“What would be the point of that?” I responded, no doubt looking at her like she was stupid.

Caffeine-free Coke

OK, so I was wrong.

At the time, Elizabeth was considering going to business school for an MBA.  She would today be a brilliant executive at a Fortune 500 company if only I had been more encouraging.  Instead, she went to medical school and became a psychiatrist.

When CNN first came on, I thought

“Who needs news 24 hours a day?”

CNN

Strike 2

When C-Span began showing House and Senate floor debate, while I was actually working as a lobbyist, well, I couldn’t believe it.

“Who is going to watch that unless they get paid to?  It is sooooooooooooooooo boring!” 

I STILL  think I was right about this one.

I STILL think I was right about this one.

I never had a Walkman.

“I want to listen to the birds when I’m out walking!”

I thought iPods were stupid and besides I could never figure out iTunes.  I still get emails from them and they still haven’t figured out that I hate disco.

Smart phones?  “How stupid.”

But I decided that it is time to capitalize on my knack for thinking huge money makers are stupid.  In fact, I’ve suggested to John that we should invest our retirement savings in the next product I think is completely inane.  It’ll be an uphill battle, though.  He doesn’t trust my investment instincts since I started investing in 72 packs of toilet paper.

But I’m going to see if he’ll go along with me on this invention.  Because I have to admit, it is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard of.  We’ll make a bloody fortune.

If I were to wear anti-rape underpants, something would absolutely get into my pants.  But I’m quite sure it wouldn’t be a rapist.  And it wouldn’t come from outside, either.

****

My thanks to Karen at Do Not Get Sick in the Sink for her post on this.

And my thanks to Google, without which my posts would be far less colorful.

47 Comments

Filed under Bloggin' Buddies, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, Family, Gizmos, Huh?, Humor, Stupidity

[VIDEO] The Science Of Happiness

It is important to understand what makes us happy. It is even more important to understand what makes our best friends happy. This video made me very happy.

Will (MarkingOurTerritory.com)'s avatarMarking Our Territory

A new study was just released about canine cognition and the ability of dogs to experience positive emotions.  Of course, Eko and I immediately went to our home laboratory to conduct the experiment ourselves – check it out!

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Filed under Humor