Tag Archives: Bad days

Talking Turkey with Mom

It seems like just the other day that I was talking about folks to whom strange things just happen.  Maybe that’s because it was just the other day that I told this story.

I have a secret, though.  I’m not the only person in my family with this, ummm, gift for attracting the strange and humorous.  Dad used to say that if there was a weirdo within 5 miles of him, that weirdo would find Dad and have a nice long chat.  But if something weird was going to happen, well, it would happen to Mom.  Somehow I managed to inherit both weirdness magnets.  Sigh.

But this is Mom’s story.

Mom wasn’t the bird lover in our family.  Dad was.  So I should have known something weird had happened when Mom identified a bird I was looking at from a distance.  Mom and I were driving not far from John’s and my house one day in about 1990, and I pulled over to look at the large birds circling above us.  Back then large predatory birds soaring were still an unusual sight — I always assumed they were eagles.  I mean, what else could it be?  I kept trying to get a good look.

“They’re turkey vultures,” she said with complete certainty.  “We see them all the time at home in Florida.”

You lookin' for me? (Google image, natch)

They weren’t eagles?
(Google image, natch)

Turkey vultures?” I said, not believing her for a minute.  I’d never even heard of such a creature.  Mom pursed her lips and looked back at me, slightly annoyed that I was questioning her (never seen before) bird identification skills.

I should have been suspicious.  I should have know there was a story behind Mom’s sudden large bird expertise.

“They’re really big.  And up close, they really do look just like turkeys.”

“When did you ever get ‘up close’ to a turkey vulture, Mom?”

She tried to avoid the question.

“Mom….” It was never too hard to get Mom to tell her stories.  Something else we have in common.  “Fess up…”

“It wasn’t my fault.  That refrigerator at home is just too small.”

“Huh?”

“Well, it happened last Thanksgiving, but I didn’t want to tell you,” she laughed.  “I knew I’d never hear the end of it.”

“Mom …”

“Dad and I went to the grocery store on Saturday, as usual, the weekend before Thanksgiving,” she continued.  “And we bought a frozen turkey for Thanksgiving Dinner.”

“OK.”  I wasn’t catching on.

“Well, it was a frozen turkey.  Frozen solid.  You know it takes days to thaw those things.  You might as well try to melt an iceberg.  I put it into the roasting pan and placed it on the counter to thaw.  But I kept having to move it around that tiny kitchen to do anything else.  Then, on Sunday night when I was making dinner, I needed my counter.  So I put the still rock hard turkey into the carport.”

“Mom, doesn’t your carport get pretty warm?  It is in Florida, after all.”

“Well, that wasn’t really the problem,” she said, laughing.  “Not exactly, anyhow.  Or not at first.  The problem was that I forgot I’d left the turkey there.  I woke up Thursday morning, ready to get started on Thanksgiving Dinner and couldn’t find my turkey!  I thought I was going nuts.  I knew we had bought one.  ‘Where’d you put my turkey?’ I asked your father.  ‘I didn’t do anything with it.  Did it get up and walk away?’ he asked.  And then I remembered – ‘Oh Lord, it’s in the carport.  I hope it’s still OK to eat.’”

“I went out the door to find the carport  filled with turkey vultures.  And you know, they really do look just like turkeys.  They have those red heads and bulging eyes.  They had torn the packaging apart and were eating our Thanksgiving turkey!  I sent your father out to shoo them all away.  And then he had to go to Publix to get something for our feast.”

I roared.  So did she, remembering.

“I told him to get a piece of beef to roast.  I’d had enough birds for a while.”

Mom was absolutely right.  Turkey vultures look a whole lot like turkey turkeys.  Especially after they’ve just had Thanksgiving dinner.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to my fellow ‘Mericans!

To those who aren’t over indulging this week, can I send you a few pounds?

76 Comments

Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Diet tips, Disgustology, History, Holidays, Huh?, Humor, Mom, Wild Beasts

Sometimes, These Things Happen

Unless you’re like me, you probably won’t believe this story.

No, this time it didn’t happen to me.  I don’t even know the principle characters involved in the story.  But I’m sure it’s true.

You see, there are some folks whose lives are filled with bizarre, inexplicable experiences.  Adventures.

I’m one of them.  After I was once held for ransom by the Washington Post, my friend Diana shook her head, laughed and said,

“Elyse, everywhere you go, you have adventures.”

She kindly refrained from inserting the word “stupid” in that sentence.  Still, she was right.

And I’m not alone.  In fact, based on the comments I received to my I Was Held For Ransom by the Washington Post story, there are a whole lot of us out there.

But perhaps no one is as “out there” – literally – as Nathan Baron, a high school student from Maine whom I just read about.

Yes, friends, Nathan is one of us.  Weird things just happen to him.  And last Saturday, well, something really strange happened while he was out there.  As in outside.  While he was hunting.

Nathan was sitting in a chair with his Remington .30-06 rifle, hunting.  No, sitting while hunting wasn’t the strange part.  But can I just please interject here that my image of the masculine hunter bringing home dinner has never before involved a collapsible Coleman chair?  Isn’t there some sort of stalking and movement involved in hunting?  Shouldn’t you at least have to stand for a while to make it more sporting?

Why be uncomfortable before drawing blood?  (Google Image)

Why be uncomfortable?
(Google Image)

Well, fortunately for Nathan, he was hunting in the woods just across from his house, because he had to poo (see, I told you that Nathan was just like me – I always have to go at the most inconvenient times).  Nathan plopped his gun up against a tree, climbed onto his 4 wheeler, and headed home to do his business comfortably.

[I gotta say it:  Nathan is not a bear.  So he doesn’t, you know … ]

Anyway, when he got back to his comfy chair in the woods from which he could shoot things, he couldn’t find his gun.  And that, of course, makes hunting that much more difficult.  What could possibly have happened to his gun?

As Nathan reported to the Bangor Daily News:

“There was a stream that was running about 100 feet away from me. I look, and there’s a beaver hauling that gun into the water,” he said.

The article continued: ” Let’s take a moment to let that sink in.  A beaver.  Stole.  His gun.”

Yes, apparently, the beaver just hauled it on home to his lodge without even getting a background check.

I will say that I’ve had many weird things happen to me, but none involved beavers.  Moreover, none of my guns has ever been taken by a wild animal.  Perhaps that is because I am smart enough to not have guns, which are dangerous in the wrong, ummm, paws.  And of course not having any guns makes it that much easier to keep them away from wildlife.  And bad guys.

But you know, I completely believe Nathan’s story.  Because weird, hard to believe things have happened to me my whole life.

Besides, who could make up such a stupid story?

I wonder if Nathan has a blog.

*     *     *

This is my 300th post!  Thanks everybody for making blogging such a delightful way to spend time.

73 Comments

Filed under Bloggin' Buddies, Childhood Traumas, Gun control, Huh?, Humor, Maine, Stupidity, Wild Beasts

Val Made Me Do It. Really

My friend Val of QBG_Tilted Tiara came to my rescue just this morning.  You see, I have been in a bit of a writing slump.  I write and then hit “delete” faster than I can retype what I just cut.  And since I was last clocked at 120 words per minute, that’s saying something.

Val explained in her most recent post how she had stolen pages from Oprah’s magazine and not only felt compelled to answer Oprah’s questions, but wants me to do so too.

Shit.

OK.  Here goes.  Please note that Val didn’t say that I have to answer them honestly.  Or seriously.  Of course, she also didn’t say I absolutely had to answer them.

I am so glad I learned the secret to… tooting my own horn.  I realized decades ago that nobody toots your horn.  You have to do it yourself.

And since nobody ever really listens to you when you are tooting (and that term can be taken literally, figuratively, or in the most juvenile way imaginable), it doesn’t matter so much if you do it repeatedly.

But I hope I never figure out… why opposites attract.  I am happily married to my husband, John, and have been for 27 years and counting.  But if I were to have described the man I’d marry 30 years ago, or 40 years ago, that vision would bear little resemblance to my actual husband. He is a serious, studious, intellectual and I am, um, frequently silly, often irreverent and not at all serious.  I am incredibly lucky that I chose John and that he chose me.  But I still often look over at him and say “HUH?”

When I need help with life’s mysteries, I turn to… three different people:  my old friend Keily, who saw me through some of my most difficult days; my niece, Jen, who is wise and snarky and filled with common sense as well as my genes which is a cross she must bear; my friend Judy, who makes me laugh, has been my friend for decades and is as wise as she is a wise-ass.  It is an invaluable combination.

I have been lucky in the friends I’ve fallen in with.  Very lucky.

My next challenge is figuring out…what I will write about next …

Val, got any more bright ideas?  I should post again in a few days and, ummmm, I’m dry …

49 Comments

Filed under Bloggin' Buddies, Family, History, Huh?, Humor, Stupidity, Taking Care of Each Other

Why Should They Get it Better?

The voice inside my head is getting louder and louder.  It has been happening for over three weeks now.  I have to let it out or my head will explode.

It’s not what you think.

I haven’t been trying any of the products I research, or no more than usual.

I haven’t become a schizophrenic hearing demons that chant “kill, kill, kill.”

I haven’t even become a Tea Party member muttering “screw the poor, screw the folks who don’t look like me, don’t touch my Medicare.” Nope.

It’s just my Dad’s voice.  But he won’t shut up.  He keeps on saying:

“For Cryin’ Out Loud, Lease, What Did You Expect?”

It’s no use telling him that I agree with him and that really, I didn’t expect this whole thing to go smoothly.  He was a hard man to beat in an argument before, but since his death it has been absolutely impossible to win an argument with the man.   He’s gone all passive-aggressive on me, the bastard.

But in point of fact, I figured that the roll-out of Obamacare would be just like it has been since October 1.  Full of problems that lead everyone to bang their head on their desk, throw their laptops out the window and threaten bodily harm to anyone who interrupts them when they’re just about done.  I could have told you that before the bill passed either House of Congress, was signed by the President.  I could have told you there would be huge problems even before the Supreme Court deemed it constitutional.

Remember how I am an expert patient?  An expert patient who has had health-and-therefore-insurance issues for 40 years?  I am pretty sure I have fought with each and every single insurance company that has done business in the United States, and a few in Europe.  And this includes the six hours I spent online and on the phone with CareFirst this past Monday trying to figure out the fine details of the two different policies I had to choose from.  The recordings of my running commentary would not be suitable for training purposes.

So really, I think the folks who set up Healthcare.gov  did the folks who qualify for insurance under the Affordable Care Act a favor by having so many problems on the website.

Because they’ve gotten just the first taste of what it’s like to deal with a god damn insurance company.

*     *     *

With heartfelt apologies to my Dad, who was an insurance agent and would have been able to tell everyone that this is exactly what they should have expected.

Apologies also to my favorite live insurance agent, Peg of PegOLeg.com who is probably too busy working on getting folks covered to read this post anyway.

Thanks to both List of X for his two funny posts on the rollout here and here, and Moe of Whatever Works for inspiring me to comment on their blogs and inspired me to write this one.

39 Comments

Filed under Bloggin' Buddies, Criminal Activity, Crohn's Disease, Family, Health and Medicine, Humor

The Rule of Law

Let me preface this post by saying this: I get it.

My Dad, whom I adored, was a WWII vet.  I toured European battlefields with him.  I read the history and heard the tales.  I stood on Omaha Beach and looked up the cliffs that those boys had to scale.  I stood on Utah Beach and looked up steeper cliffs and then down them from the top, through the craters left by our bombs.  I have been fascinated by the history of WWII, by the battles.  By the true contest between good and evil that that war represented in my mind.

I get it.  Really.  They are, truly, the Greatest Generation

So yesterday when my blood pressure hit the roof, it wasn’t that I wanted to deny veterans, especially WWII vets, anything.

My first impression when I read that vets from a Mississippi Gulf Coast Honor Flight crossed over the barricades erected because of the government shutdown was:  Good For YOU!

Until, that is, I learned that it was two GOP Congressmen who were responsible for the “storming.”  According to this article, the barricades were moved by a pair of GOP members of Congress, Mississippi Rep. Roger Wicker and Michigan Rep. Bill Huizenga.  Congressman Huizenga proclaimed it the “the best civil disobedience we’ve seen in Washington for a long time.”

And THAT is when my blood boiled.

Not because the Vets got in.  But because the barricades were opened by the very same folks responsible for them being there in the first place.  Once again, GOP members of the House of Representatives were defying the law.  Because they don’t believe it applies to them.

The GOP shut down the government over a temper tantrum has voted to shut it down because the Senate and the President won’t defund the Affordable Care Act.  Obamacare.

I have said this before:

The Affordable Care Act is a law that went through all three branches of our government as established under the constitution.  According to the rules we set up for our Government, adopted in 1791.

Obamacare passed the House of Representatives (Authorized under Article I of the Constitution);

Obamacare passed the Senate. (Also authorized under Article I);

Obamacare was signed into law by the President (Granted that authority under Article II of the very same Constitution); and

Obamacare was upheld by the Supreme Court (Ditto — Article III).

The GOP lost the 2012 election over this issue (in large part).

The very same folks who do not respect the rule of law by accepting the reality of a duly enacted United States Law also do not accept the consequences of their refusal to govern.  THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN IS THEIR FAULT ENTIRELY.

They have no respect for the rule of law.  None.  Laws, to them, apparently, should be followed only when they deem it appropriate.  Last night, Michelle Bachmann announced that GOP members will be there to open the barricade to all Vets.  Because the GOP does not respect the rule of law — but does respect a good PR.

Here, thanks to my blogging buddy, Vickie Lester at Beguiling Hollywood, is a list of a few things that happened on the first day of the government furlough

[Yesterday,] two hundred patients were turned away from the NIH, thirty of them children. Most of whom, because of the severity and difficulty of the disease they faced, had been sent to this research facility as a last resort. [This means, of course, that they will die.  And their blood will be on GOP hands.]

Veterans applying for disability benefits could not be helped.

In a week poor women and children will not be fed.

Food safety inspectors have been furloughed.

The New York Times reported on Saturday that fully 16% of ALL workers in the United States work for the Federal Government.  Those percentages are highest, actually, in Republican states.  How long can a huge percentage of the workforce go without pay because of a GOP tantrum.  How long should they?

The list of who is considered “non-essential” goes on and on.   Things are only going to get worse.   Because many businesses rely on those federal workers to buy their products, to eat in their restaurants.

Call your Congressman/woman

 or Any Representative you think should hear from you

Tell them to pass an unencumbered budget

Tell them to open up the Government

The US Capitol Switchboard Number

 202 244-3121

I am borrowing again from Vickie:

A thought from Andrew Sullivan:

I want to begin with a simple quote, a letter from Abraham Lincoln, facing a very similar constellation of forces as president Obama does with today’s nullification party, and sounding remarkably like his 2008 successor from Illinois:

What is our present condition? We have just carried an election on principles fairly stated to the people. Now we are told in advance, the government shall be broken up, unless we surrender to those we have beaten, before we take the offices. In this they are either attempting to play upon us, or they are in dead earnest. Either way, if we surrender, it is the end of us, and of the government. They will repeat the experiment upon us ad libitum.

*     *     *

Thanks to Carrie of The Write Transition for this information:  This Huffington Post link lists the Republicans who are ready to fund the government with no strings attached. Let’s hope it keeps growing. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/01/house-republicans-clean-cr_n_4024755.html

As I mentioned to Carrie, though, Peter King (R-NY) is on the list.  He has been preaching a clean Continuing Resolution for days, but keeps voting with the GOP.

So as always, we’ll see.

55 Comments

Filed under Bloggin' Buddies, Campaigning, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Elections, Family, History, Huh?, Hypocrisy, Law, Politics, Stupidity, Taxes, Wild Beasts