Category Archives: Virginia

April 8, 2014 · 0:00

One Born Every Minute

Just today I realized that I really am a good person. Nice. Law-abiding.

It’s true. Because somehow today I did not live out my longest held fantasy. One that I’ve wanted to enact since childhood.

I will admit that I was close to doing it. Possibly closer than I have ever been to saying “What the Hell, I’m gonna do it! — Now! Today!”

I will admit to seriously considering doing it just for the moment when I was struggling to get into the driver’s seat of my car today at lunch time. The moments. OK, it took half of my damn lunch hour.

You see, I had an important errand that I had to take care of.

But some asshole had parked so close to my car that I couldn’t even get my purse into the car from the driver’s side.

Did I deserve to be placed in this, ummm, position? Did I park outside of the white line? No. I was parked just fine, thank you very much. Parked within the designated parking spot. Straight. Did I mention that I was well within the white lines on both sides of my car? Well I was.

I did not deserve to be treated in such a manner.

So when I realized that without liposuction, a detention in a concentration camp or a colonic, there was no way in hell I could get to the driver’s seat from the driver’s side. I was annoyed, I stood there for minutes with my hands on my hips, glad there were no children milling about to increase their vocabulary.

But I had no choice; I had to go. So I walked to the passenger side of the car, to climb into the driver’s seat. I soon realized that the driver’s seat was as close to the steering wheel as vehicularly-possible. I realized that I was also not supposed to exert myself following my surgery.

Did I mention that it was important that I go?

So I struggled to get my body into the driver’s seat without a cerebral hemorrhage.

Somehow, I managed.

The cerebral hemorrhage happened when I carefully backed out of my parking spot, and realized two things:

There were 24.5 parking spots in that section of the parking lot alone, and five floors of empty parking spots on the floors above us; there was no reason for someone to park in such an assholic/inconsiderate manner.
The car sported a special license plate.

Instantly, I started fantasizing. Within a heartbeat, I was transported back in time. Teleported to the very first movie I remember watching.

I was very young. Young enough to be crabby that my brother, Bob, had control of the TV. Annoyed that he was watching a movie instead of cartoons. Annoyed enough to forget that as long as the TV was on I didn’t really care what was showing. (I had, just that morning, been watching the test pattern.)

The movie was brilliant, and I have never watched the test pattern since. It was called

If I Had A Million

It was a compilation of a bunch of sequences where various characters were given a million dollars that they could spend however they chose. It later became the TV series “The Millionnaire” where a wealthy man would give people $1 million as long as they didn’t tell where it came from.

Anyway, in the move If I Had A Million, WC Fields’ lady-friend Mary had just had her new car ruined by what we would today call an “asshole,” but who was then called a “Road Hog.” When WC Fields and Mary Boland got their million, they knew just what to do:

They bought a bunch of old clunker cars, and whenever there was a road hog around, they would ram their clunker into him, causing the jerk to totally wreck his own car, along with theirs. But that didn’t matter, because that was why WC and Mary had bought those old clunkers!

They did this repeatedly. And it has been my fondest wish since I was about six years old, to be able to do that to the bad drivers, the folks who cut people off, who weave and edge and drive dangerously.

Revenge would be so sweet!

But in spite of being a wise ass, I am not an asshole. I did not smash the car that parked so inconsiderately. I did not accidentally-on-purpose run my keys along the $60,000 Audi Q7 SUV. I did not even spit in its general direction.

It was especially challenging because I realized that the owner is represents everything I hate. I realized that I’d seen him before, changing lanes discourteously. He (and yes, it was a he) had an overpriced car that he drove like he owned the road. And those specialty license plates?

The Asshole was A Tea Partier! Photo Credit: VA DMV Website

And I realized that I really needed to feel sorry for the dumb rich guy. You see, this genius paid extra taxes to the Commonwealth of Virginia so that he could protest paying taxes.

Photo Credit: izquotes.com

82 Comments

Filed under Adult Traumas, Campaigning, Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Driving, Elections, GOP, Huh?, Humor, Hypocrisy, Taking Care of Each Other, Taxes, Virginia, Wild Beasts

Tagged as Assholes, Bad days, Driving, GOP, Humor, Politics, Stupidity, Tea Party, Washington

March 28, 2014 · 0:00

Places

The Beatles, as they so often did, said it best:

There are places
I remember
All my life
Though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some are gone
And some remain
All these places have their moments

I’ve always formed strong attachments to places. The house I grew up in in Connecticut. The house we bought in France across the border from Geneva. My office. Yes, I have a deep love of my office. Because when the company gave me that office, it was as if I’d gotten the winning office Lotto ticket.

For 11 years, I’ve dragged everyone I know up to my office to see the view. I’ve even taken you, my bloggin’ buddies up there a few times, like when the space shuttle flew over on its last lap and when two Supreme Court Justices visited us immediately after the oral argument on Obamacare.

From my three large windows, I can keep my eye on all things Washington. I can see much of official DC and a big hunk of Northern Virginia. Nobody in Our Nation’s Capitol gets on a helicopter without me knowing about it. And I can tell you for a fact that Dubya’s motorcades caused a lot more disruption than Obama’s do.

My pictures all suck. But this is from the building's own website (Photo credit http://www.rosslynoverlook.com/image-gallery.htm)

My pictures aren’t as good. This is from the building’s own website (Photo credit http://www.rosslynoverlook.com/image-gallery.htm)

As you can see, my office overlooks the Lincoln Memorial up the Mall to the Washington Monument, the Smithsonian, the Capitol Building. During the Inaugurations, from my office I could see the bunting hanging from the Capitol Building. I can also see the Jefferson Memorial, the bridges, National Airport (which I will never, ever, ever call “Reagan Airport” while there is life in this body), Arlington Cemetery.

The Iwo Jima Memorial to the U.S. Marine Corps is one of my favorite places to walk on nice days. It lists all the major battles the marines have seen. The Iwo Jima doesn’t list the “Civil War,” though. Amusingly to this Connecticut Yankee, it lists “The War Between The States” because, after all, it is located in Virginia.

A picture from last night’s walk.

The Pentagon is ahead, just to the right. Folks who were present that day heard the impact as the plane slammed into the side of the building there on the right, although no one actually saw it hit. They smelled the smoke, heard the sirens, saw the fire engines fly from every direction. For a while, when we were all still expecting an imminent attack on Washington, I worried that I might have a window on history to something I would rather not see.

That’s the Pentagon, behind the Netherland Carillion. Oh, and my window is very dirty. Gonna have to leave this place.

When there was a small earthquake in the middle of the day a few years ago, I watched (from my spot in the doorway) as government helicopters swooped in to inspect the bridges for structural damage before the ground stopped trembling. I’ve often imagined that drivers on the bridges must have felt like they’d suddenly stumbled into the filming of a James Bond movie, as the choppers dipped and spun to get a closer look.

A month after I started working there, a townhouse just down the road went up for sale. The ad highlighted the view from the rooftop terrace of the townhouse, and priced it at $2.25 million. I clipped the ad, taped it to the fridge in the kitchen with a note:

“Hey, we get PAID to look at this view!”

Sadly, today is my last day as an office space lottery winner. Monday, my company will begin the week in new office space.

I’m just not sure how I will be able to keep an eye on Washington for y’all.

Sigh.

90 Comments

Filed under Adult Traumas, Huh?, Virginia

Tagged as Bad days, Washington

November 7, 2013 · 0:00

Sore Loser

There is a time honored tradition in our democracy that has the losing side contacting the winning side to offer congratulations. It is part of how we as a society put the disagreements between candidates behind and go forth and govern.

Obviously, as a Democrat, I am happy with the results in the Governor’s race (and the Lt. Governor’s race). I am hopeful about the close election here for Attorney General, which is still being counted.

But as someone who believes in governing as much as I believe in democracy, well, I am disgusted with the tone of Ken Cuccinelli’s post-defeat actions. He has no plans to contact Governor-elect McAuliffe. He has no plans to get together to see what can be done to help the people of the Commonwealth.

Ken Cuccinelli’s Concession speech, if you have the stomach for it, wasn’t a concession speech. It was a “We have to be even bigger assholes and THEN we’ll win” speech. It is scary to think that these fanatics still claim a loss as a victory, and have no plan to work within the confines of what — and whom — the voters chose.