Just today I realized that I really am a good person. Nice. Law-abiding.
It’s true. Because somehow today I did not live out my longest held fantasy. One that I’ve wanted to enact since childhood.
I will admit that I was close to doing it. Possibly closer than I have ever been to saying “What the Hell, I’m gonna do it! — Now! Today!”
I will admit to seriously considering doing it just for the moment when I was struggling to get into the driver’s seat of my car today at lunch time. The moments. OK, it took half of my damn lunch hour.
You see, I had an important errand that I had to take care of.
But some asshole had parked so close to my car that I couldn’t even get my purse into the car from the driver’s side.
Did I deserve to be placed in this, ummm, position? Did I park outside of the white line? No. I was parked just fine, thank you very much. Parked within the designated parking spot. Straight. Did I mention that I was well within the white lines on both sides of my car? Well I was.
I did not deserve to be treated in such a manner.
So when I realized that without liposuction, a detention in a concentration camp or a colonic, there was no way in hell I could get to the driver’s seat from the driver’s side. I was annoyed, I stood there for minutes with my hands on my hips, glad there were no children milling about to increase their vocabulary.
But I had no choice; I had to go. So I walked to the passenger side of the car, to climb into the driver’s seat. I soon realized that the driver’s seat was as close to the steering wheel as vehicularly-possible. I realized that I was also not supposed to exert myself following my surgery.
Did I mention that it was important that I go?
So I struggled to get my body into the driver’s seat without a cerebral hemorrhage.
Somehow, I managed.
The cerebral hemorrhage happened when I carefully backed out of my parking spot, and realized two things:
- There were 24.5 parking spots in that section of the parking lot alone, and five floors of empty parking spots on the floors above us; there was no reason for someone to park in such an assholic/inconsiderate manner.
- The car sported a special license plate.
Instantly, I started fantasizing. Within a heartbeat, I was transported back in time. Teleported to the very first movie I remember watching.
I was very young. Young enough to be crabby that my brother, Bob, had control of the TV. Annoyed that he was watching a movie instead of cartoons. Annoyed enough to forget that as long as the TV was on I didn’t really care what was showing. (I had, just that morning, been watching the test pattern.)
The movie was brilliant, and I have never watched the test pattern since. It was called
If I Had A Million
It was a compilation of a bunch of sequences where various characters were given a million dollars that they could spend however they chose. It later became the TV series “The Millionnaire” where a wealthy man would give people $1 million as long as they didn’t tell where it came from.
Anyway, in the move If I Had A Million, WC Fields’ lady-friend Mary had just had her new car ruined by what we would today call an “asshole,” but who was then called a “Road Hog.” When WC Fields and Mary Boland got their million, they knew just what to do:
They bought a bunch of old clunker cars, and whenever there was a road hog around, they would ram their clunker into him, causing the jerk to totally wreck his own car, along with theirs. But that didn’t matter, because that was why WC and Mary had bought those old clunkers!
They did this repeatedly. And it has been my fondest wish since I was about six years old, to be able to do that to the bad drivers, the folks who cut people off, who weave and edge and drive dangerously.
Revenge would be so sweet!
But in spite of being a wise ass, I am not an asshole. I did not smash the car that parked so inconsiderately. I did not accidentally-on-purpose run my keys along the $60,000 Audi Q7 SUV. I did not even spit in its general direction.
It was especially challenging because I realized that the owner is represents everything I hate. I realized that I’d seen him before, changing lanes discourteously. He (and yes, it was a he) had an overpriced car that he drove like he owned the road. And those specialty license plates?
And I realized that I really needed to feel sorry for the dumb rich guy. You see, this genius paid extra taxes to the Commonwealth of Virginia so that he could protest paying taxes.