One of my tasks as a fake medical expert, is to keep folks in my company apprised of new scientific developments, studies and trends. So I scour the news first thing and point out interesting, informative articles.
It’s a part of my job that I relish because it often gives me terrific ways to terrorize my relatives with news of horrible diseases that pose a 1:1,583,222,185 chance of killing them and everybody in their town. Can you say “Ebola”? Sure, I knew you could.
Doobster made me look back, and I thought of the men in my past.
George.
And George.
And Ronnie.
Now I find myself looking back fondly. Longing for Dick.*
I’m gonna be sick. Google, why’d you do this to me?
I wish I were kidding.
Often, I’ve realized that if the GOP hadn’t gone completely over the edge into fanaticism, that I’d be a Republican.
Google Me This
Because, you see, I remember when Republicans were not crazy. When they were a valuable part of the strong government that built our country into the envy of the world.
When they were not out only to protect their rich buddies. When they knew how to govern.
When they could compromise. More importantly, when compromise was the goal, because they knew that THAT is how government works. And good government works for everybody.
I remember the wonderful things that were done in the 1970s — Environmental laws, highways funded, bridges built. Government FUCKING WORKED.
But starting with Reagan, the image makers changed the face of government – remember:
Reagan put folks into Cabinet positions who didn’t believe in government. The Energy and Education Departments were led by folks whose job was to destroy the agencies. The Environmental Protection Administration was led by Anne Gorsuch who didn’t promulgate the regulations that she had to — by law — promulgate. People were put into levels of responsibility to thwart the laws they were supposed to administer.
So yes, I am sitting here looking back through history and realizing that the GOP has, in leaps and bounds, ensured that government doesn’t work. [I’ve said for years, why do people want to elect folks to government who don’t’ believe in government? What is the fucking point of that?]
It was compounded by George H.W. and then by George W. who put more and more jokers in positions of power.
And what a surprise, the government doesn’t work any more.
So now I find myself looking back fondly to Richard Nixon. My, ummm, hero.
Google, natch.
Is there no limit to what these Republican will do to me?
* Yeah, I know I skipped Jerry. But he served on a naval ship with my Dad in WWII during a typhoon and Gerald Ford saved the ship. So I cut Jerry some serious slack. Sue me.
If you haven’t seen this bit from John Oliver’s new show, you should. You should watch it before Tuesday’s election, and then again periodically, just so you remember what I keep telling you. That elections matter. And that it is important to pay attention to not just Federal elections, but to the ones lower down the food chain.
Apparently it takes someone from England, from the country from which we declared our independence, to explain to us just how we are letting our own government get away from us.
Because we don’t pay attention to “the unimportant levels of government.”
Ummm, it is at the state level that we’re really getting screwed. I can attest to this as a resident of “Virginia is For Ultra-sounds.” Yup, it is the folks whose names we don’t even know, who get to decide these issues that most impact your life and mine.
They are also the ones gerrymandering the US Congressional districts. They are eliminating access to abortion, to birth control and screwing us in a hundred different ways. And the state legislatures are the breeding ground, where the Not Ready For Prime Time Players go until they become the Michelle Bachmann’s and the Louie Gomert’s who end up framing our national debate.
[I read recently that John Oliver has been proclaimed the best journalist currently working. I don’t recall who said it, but I think they are right.]
Lately, I’m afraid that we’ve become a society of apologists. Have you noticed? Everybody is apologizing all the time. And not one of them means it. Rarely does anybody take responsibility for their beliefs, which are often exactly what was exposed — their racism, mysogony, whatever.
It’s not just that I’m error prone that makes me wary. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m not big on social media. Nope, not at all. And it’s not only because I can’t be bothered to figure out how to use it. I have a Facebook account that I started so that I could vote for Speaker7 for some contest she was in. Naturally, I couldn’t vote anyway for some reason. I have one “friend” on Facebook.
When I first started my blog, I joined LinkedIn, thinking I could promote my blog. But then I had to enter real live info about myself like my name. Since it is being used as a professional networking society, the dangers of using LinkedIn to promote my blog became clear. Including a link to my blog would possibly attract a lot of people who would read my blog, but they would all be clients. Clients reading that I am a “fake” medical professional. And then, naturally, I would need to use LinkedIn to find a new job.
I’m sure I’d like Twitter — I love making short, snappy comebacks. But a Twitter account would likewise end up with me needing to use LinkedIn to find a job because I’d never get any work done.
So I’ve been happy with face-to-face talking, emailing and texting. And blogging of course, which is a realm all of its own.
But I just read an article that has me shaking at my keyboard. Worried about where this will all end up. Afraid of the future. Because they’re going to get into my brain. It’s just a matter of time before we can all transmit our thoughts to each other without the aid of a computer or a phone or even a mouth.
It informed me that scientists have just managed to transmit thoughts from one brain to another, across the distance of 5,000 miles. Brain to Brain. Non-verbal, um verbal communication.
Can you imagine the future? What politicians will say now? The excuses they will come up with for when they express a true thought or opinion and the recipient doesn’t like it? Oh Lord. It won’t be pretty.
My husband John makes a point of not laughing at my jokes. He pretends that I am not the funniest person he knows — even though I often hear him repeating my zingers with a chuckle. John has helpfully suggested that whenever I am “trying” to be funny, that I should hold up a flag to let the world know. I counter that he is humor challenged.
As it turns out, I recently learned that there are loads of humor challenged folks.
And they read our blogs!
SHIT!
Now most of you know my good bloggin’ buddy, Peg-O-Leg. Well, Peg was Freshly Pressed just yesterday! It was a delayed FP’ing for a post she wrote over a month ago, entitled: Facebook Ruined My Life, Now They Must Pay. It’s about how she wants to sue Facebook because somebody put up an embarrassing picture of her from her childhood.
It was a joke, son.
But the thing is, she got comments from strangers criticizing her for suing Facebook. I’m not joking, she got nasty comments about the lawsuit she was clearly making up for a humor blog.
Just how many humor challenged folks are there?
***
Peg’s predicament reminded me of one of my very early posts. I couldn’t resist reposting it, because, well, it was my very first blogging experience with possibly humor challenged folks.
Manitoba Bound
It’s time to export all the stupid people in the United States to another country. Congress will go along with it as long as we can designate “stupid people” a commodity. A trade lawyer I consulted suggested that designating them as “spare parts” under the Anti-Counterfeit Trade Agreement would permit widespread exportation of stupid people from all over the country. It would also ensure that only “real” stupid people and not fake or “counterfeit” stupid people qualify. US export numbers will skyrocket, the debt limit will take care of itself, and we won’t owe China a penny. Or a Yuan. The economy will be saved. More importantly, I won’t have to deal with them any more.
I decided to send them to Canada – nobody lives there, anyway. Manitoba, to be exact. Why? It’s easier to spell than “Saskatchewan.” Manitoba is right there in the middle of the continent where the stupid people won’t be able to hurt themselves. Like one big padded room. They will be safe, happy, well cared for. Cable TV. Internet access — even broadband. I’m not unkind, you know. A team of teenagers will be available to help them turn on their TVs, stereos, DVD players, mobile phones. Friends and family members can visit anytime.
There are a lot of stupid people in the US, you say, so where do we start? We’re starting with the ones that bug me the most. It’s only fair. After all I am the brains here.
I deal with stupid people every day. I work in medical products litigation. Stupid people believe the TV lawyers’ mantra “Sue then Retire.” Each time I walk into my office, I am smacked upside the head by the stupid actions of stupid people who sue for big bucks. I learn way too much about them, sort of like when you interrupt your 74-year-old uncle in the shower. You’d be happier without the image.
I want themoutta here.
Here’s a contender:
A woman named Mona was sick. Mona went to her doctor and was given a 30 day prescription for the drug that would treat her. She took it to the pharmacy where the pharmacist typed up a label and put it onto the bottle that the manufacturer dispensed the tablets in, because conveniently, those pills already came packaged in bottles of 30 pills. Terrific! Safe! Foolproof! How many times have you gotten medicine this way? Loads of times, I wager. Have you gotten it that way lately? Nope. Thank Mona.
Now Mona is a very precise woman. She carefully monitors everything. She uses a pedometer to count her steps, compares food package labels. Understands the food pyramid. She doesn’t walk when the “Don’t Walk” sign starts blinking. She knows the calorie, carbohydrate and vitamin content of everything she swallows. Brushes her hair precisely 100 strokes each night. Flosses. Therefore, she read the label that came with the pills from the drugstore, too. She opened the sealed package, and poured out her first dose. That’s when Mona’s ticket to Manitoba was punched.
Because when she dumped out that first pill into her hand, she also poured out a tiny crunchy plastic package about a half inch square. It contained salicylic acid – packages like that are put into many products to help keep the contents dry and to prevent mold. The little package in her hand said “DO NOT EAT.” So she didn’t. At all. She didn’t eat for 30 days while she took her medicine.
She didn’t call her doctor and scream:
“You never told me I couldn’t eat!”
She did not call the pharmacist and say:
“Can I at least have toast? Or Jell-O?”
And when she got very ill from (1) being stupid and (2) not eating for 30 days, did she feel embarrassed? Did she pack for Manitoba? No. She sued the pharmacy and the drug manufacturer for millions of dollars for pain, suffering, and lost wages. She won.
So Mona goes first.
And the woman who fell into the shopping mall fountain while texting and then sued the shopping mall? You saw her. She went onto local and national news shows to tell the story and to complain that no one helped her after she fell. She said repeatedly that she was embarrassed that everyone she knew had seen her fall into the fountain on YouTube. She was upset at being called “Fountain Lady.” She appeared on television voluntarily, where they replayed the video three times for people like me who hadn’t yet enjoyed it. She made absolutely sure that “Fountain Lady” was unmasked, because this caption appeared at the bottom left of the TV screen:
FiftyFourandAHalf 