Perhaps I mentioned it a time or two, but I am something of an impulse buyer. I succumb to all those “buy one, get one free” offers. The “50% OFF!s,” and, naturally, every sale.
The other day, I had to make an appointment for a medical test at a large DC hospital center. Because I am a patient extraordinaire, I have all my tune ups and oil changes done at a major medical center. The hospital version of Jiffy Lube. I like feeling like my surgeons are on the cutting edge, and that my gastroenterologists are qualified to show others just what to put into my orifices. I do not like amateurs poking about where I can’t see them.
But now? Modern healthcare is just getting better and better!
Because there are all kinds of deals available. I can shop for services at my local hospital! How can you beat that? You see, the MBAs have taken over healthcare. So it’s just another consumer good. Right?
In fact, I learned that I can purchase all kinds of pancreatic treatments! Really! Right there at Georgetown! I can even, if I want, sign up for a pancreatic transplant!
But WAIT! There’s MORE!
I can get deep brain stimulation! I’m told while waiting on hold to make my doctor’s appointment, that it can treat (not cure) not just my GI problems, but illnesses, syndromes and conditions I don’t have! Imagine that!
Yup! I can treat not just my depression or bipolar symptoms, but my Parkinson’s Disease symptoms, too. I’m not sure if I have to wait for those to develop first, or if I can just plunge right in and treat em.
Of course, I’m hoping that once my brain has been deeply stimulated, I will come to understand why the MBAs think that someone with poo problems (and who spends way too much time with doctors and getting other treatments for the condition she is waiting on hold about) might enjoy some additional time in the hospital. Because we all know just what a hoot those procedures can be. Not to mention the designer gowns you get to wear. Ammirite?
Perhaps I can organize a girls’ retreat with my besties! Hey girls, this gastric bypass is on me!
I’ve learned that I can have bloodless surgery at Georgetown, too. I’d hate to make a mess.
The kidney tumors I also don’t have? You guessed it. They can be gone in no time. Still gone. Or maybe “Gone again” is the accurate description. How about “Gone with the Wind?” Or is that mixing up body systems?
As soon as the lines open on Monday, I’ll be calling again.
These deals won’t last forever!
I’m sure we can swap hospital stories at this point. Love that sale sign – stealing it for future use…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Be my guest!
LikeLike
Hospitals scare me to death and I am pretty much pissed at all doctors except my ophthalmologist who is a doll and very competent. The fact that hospitals, pharmaceutical companies, and doctors can advertise (i.e. seduce us) drives me crazy. In the meantime, try and find a doctor who will actually listen–ah, that is an anomaly!
LikeLiked by 1 person
And then, when you move, you will have to do it all again! That is really one thing that scares the daylights out of me. (In spite of the recording, my doctor is great.)
LikeLike
I am shaking in my boots! I have had such shitty doctors–suffering for 12 years with misdiagnosis and condescending attitudes. I am actually getting ready to file a complaint with HIPPA against my internet!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, at least you aren’t leaving a relationship that you like! We will have much to talk about!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Healthcare in this country is seriously screwed up. I’ll just do what so many others have: Blame Obama!
LikeLiked by 1 person
That works for so many!
LikeLike
Alrighty then, can I just say I am entirely perplexed. I have always accepted some will volunteer for surgery to enhance their looks. Always accepted those bee stung lips, overflowing teets, frozen faces are a sign of the times. But come on, really?
Maybe though, stimulated brains would help some of the marginal azzhats in DC. It is a thought.
LikeLiked by 1 person
well, I don’t know what to say about most of that… but what kind of sale were those signs advertising???
LikeLiked by 1 person
You need to click on the link for that. It was in Japan. The lingo didn’t quite translate
LikeLike
it never does
LikeLike
Haha, Elyse! Love this! Probably start seeing coupons in the mail one of these days! But seriously, it gives me even more determination to take care of myself so I can STAY OUT OF HOSPITALS – not trying to convey a message here or anything…lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
If only it were that simple! I actually heard commercials about just this on Pandora right after I posted it. Big Brother!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’ve got that right! 🙂
LikeLike
This is just the kind of access that Newt talked about in 2012! … and just another example how Newt is ahead of his time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
LikeLike
A little stimulation will cure my depression, eh? I was not aware of that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The thought lobotomies did that once, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hmmmm…maybe that’s what I should try next.
LikeLike
Ummmm, never take medical advice from commercials or from Fake medical professionals.
LikeLike
I’m not good at following advice…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m a DIY guy, myself. I go down to the local vet supply store and buy my own medical supplies, shots, instruments, etc. Saves lots of money. In fact, I’ve performed my own appendectomy. Now I’m working on how to perform a prostatectomy, but it’s a little tricky. I need to perfect a certain yoga move so I can maneuver into the correct angle of approach.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You should advertise your skills. Craig’s List, perhaps!
LikeLiked by 1 person
If I’m right about this, I believe the first hospital commercial I ever saw was on TV in the late 1980’s or early 1990’s for the Washington Hospital Center, which at that time specialized in heart surgery. I remember thinking at the time, “Wow, really? Isn’t the hospital choice supposed to be made in the privacy of an examination room between patient and doctor???” The concept of a hospital actually having a commercial on TV threw me. Now, of course, it’s de rigueur, Ain’t the free enterprise system grand…
Good luck at your appointment!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! I guess you’re right. This sort of thing HAS been around for a while. I need a mute button for my phone!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I kind of like the idea of a girls’ medical day – kind of like a girls’ spa retreat. We could all go for colonoscopies together, and maybe throw in a pap smear and mammogram (well, probably the colonoscopies would have to be scheduled last.) Afterwards, we could all be carted off to the hospital cafeteria for some of their excellent lukewarm “coffee” and as much puke-colored jello as we can eat. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? I’m in. Let me know when you set it up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gee it does sound like a treat. Who needs a massage when you can have your breasts professionally handled!
LikeLiked by 1 person
There’s an app for this kind of thing. Glistening with all the modern fonts and look. You can purchase a year’s subscription with the first month free if you act right now (without hesitation) and sign up for automatic renewal. The deals get even better if you “share” this good news with “your social network.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahhhhhhjjj
LikeLike
They need an MBA with Crohn’s to know how to finetune the ads. Seriously, my son is getting his master’s in a new field: “Healthcare Administration. It’s similar to an MBA, but it’s focused on healthcare. In case you wonder–no, there is no marketing course ;).
LikeLiked by 1 person
That makes me feel better! Both that there is focus on health admin (as opposed to widgets) and that there is no marketing! Maybe he and his classmates can restore sanity to the hold line — or play classical music, anyway!
LikeLiked by 1 person
So will a brain stimulation help wrinkles?
LikeLike
I bet it will affect how you perceive those wrinkles! And what more do you want? A CURE??????
LikeLike
Yes, a cure!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Then you’re probably out of luck. You will have to go to a different store — I men hospital.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can’t be on hold to make my mammogram appointment for this reason. I’m a nervous wreck by the time a human picks up!
LikeLiked by 1 person
No me. I fantasize about all the things my new and old pan creases can get up to!
LikeLike
Gosh, this is all very alien to us over here with our National Health Service, but I’m pretty sure in your shoes I wouldn’t be able to resist either, I love a bargain too! Do they do 2 for 1s on things like limbs, or I dunno, ears, where you might need both doing?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gee, I’ll need to listen more closely for that. “Nose jobs, do the right side, and the left is on us!”
LikeLike
Well, what else did you expect from a medical version of Jiffy Lube – of course, they’d try to sell you the medical version of whatever transmission rotations and carburetor flushings they’re always trying to sell while they doing the basic stuff.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, I suppose. But medical procedures are no like tire rotations — the old stuff needs to stay put most of the time. A pancreas is not an impulse purchase (especially since somebody has to die to provide it!)
LikeLike
I think for an extra fee they can arrange that, too. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
dumbstruck. And very frightened.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Don’t worry, Maggie. They’ll sell us all kinds of drugs too. 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! A real hospital actually gives info on deep brain stimulation? I thought that was hokum. Go easy on the MBAs – they are tools. Someone above them is directing the strategy. It would eventually lead back to the owners or shareholders. MBAs almost inevitably (unless it is a start-up)work for someone higher and do their bidding. Blaming them is like blaming the clerk at Wal-Mart for an increase in prices. There was an article some years ago in The Harvard Business Review, the preeminent resource in business, by a psychologist. He tested thousands of business people for sociopathy/psychopathy and found that the incidence was considerably higher in the upper echelons than it was in the general public. Those are the people making the decisions – scary what?
LikeLiked by 1 person
But Paul , the higher ups ALSO have MBAs. They are, in my opinion, the ones who don’t get the fact that the free market just doesn’t apply to healthcare. When you’re bleeding from scar accident you don’t take the time to weigh the options like you would in choosing a cereal!
MBAs have taken over the US.
LikeLike
Yep. Trying set up patient appointments listening to that drivel over and over again is enough to give anyone a disease or two or three.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m pretty sure that the suicide rate is higher, too. But that’s just a wild guess. Actually, I thought you got to opt out at t the beginning! I guess only the MBAs can 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
We have to listen it all the damn time, too. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t know what is playing in MY hold music. I better check.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do they offer designer colonoscopies? That’s just nuts. Oh and the singing kidney needs voice lessons, or better yet to just not be on You Tube! HaQ
LikeLiked by 1 person
The singing kidney is a test. You know, to see who plays the videos. You get a prize, Gibber. Of course it’s a bookie prize. But a prize is a prize!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so excited. I’d better get a speech ready!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You could sing your kidneys out!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It could be arranged! Although I’m as bad as the singing kidney. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Imagine–you and your hubs could have his and her brain stimulation! Doesn’t get more romantic than that. But hire someone other than that kidney to serenade you while you have it. His voice isn’t too great. Then again, what should one expect from an organ that makes pee?
LikeLiked by 2 people
The romantic possibilities! Carrie, I hadn’t even thought of them. Good thing our son is old enough to drive us home from the hospital! Because otherwise, we would overdose on medical care, just hangin’ there at the hospital. It wouldn’t be pretty.
LikeLiked by 2 people
But is there a deal on the pain killers while recovering?
LikeLiked by 2 people
No. That would be illegal. 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Of course that would be. 🙂
LikeLike
Pain is a whole ‘nuther procedure. Another department. Another line in the recorded loop!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know. Getting medication is my nightmare. It’s cheaper to bury me than to keep me alive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Funnily, I tried to work into this post an old one a out my similar experience with the funeral industry, but it just didn’t work. https://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2011/10/20/happy-birthday-mom/
So you’d better get your melds; the funeral industry is no better!
(I hope you’re doing better these days!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes the wonder drug steroids. Rapid release slow distruction.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was on and off steroids for years. The worst side effect was gas — which I denied existed. But they helped. That’s what I look for in my drugs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m on a high dose now. I was so sick my appetite didn’t increase. That was my worst side effect. I’m about to taper off this week.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good luck it really sucks being so sick.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it does.
LikeLiked by 1 person