Portable Self-Defense

Many years ago when I lived in a not terribly safe neighborhood in DC, two work colleagues/friends of mine were discussing safety precautions to be used in case we were ever assaulted.

“I heard that if someone tries to rape you,” Ellen said, “the best thing to do is to poop in your pants.  Nobody wants to rape a person with poopy pants”

“That won’t be hard for me to do,” I said.  “I can poop on command.”  My colitis-that-was-really-Crohn’s was raging in those days.  “Maybe I can sell some!”

Our colleague, John, got a mischievous look on his face.  “But what if you’ve just gone?” John asked.  He then stood up from his desk, and started grunting as if he were pooping.  “Wait a minute, wait a minute, Mr. Rapist.” John grunted some more, laughing. “I’m almost ready for you …  OK, NOW try to take me!”

We didn’t get a lot of work done those days.  But it was a valuable lesson in self-defense.

Sadly, Keri Wilk, an undersea photographer, wasn’t in the room with us.  Because that self-defense lesson might have come in handy for him just recently.  Because recently he learned that sometimes, a little poop can be the best defense.

You see, according to the article in the Huffington Post, photographer Keri Wilk had a crappy experience when he got up close and, ummm, personal, with a sperm whale.  Apparently Keri and his fellow divers made the whale a wee bit nervous.

While leading a group on an underwater whale photography expedition off the coast of the Caribbean island, Keri and four others were approached by what appeared to be a perfectly calm whale.

The whale approached them, stopped, pointed straight downward, and then in Keri’s words, “the storm began.”

If only Keri and his friends had given the poor whale a little privacy, well then, the storm might have been short-lived.  But noooooooooo.

Instead, Keri and friends experienced a “Poopnado.”

“At first, it seemed like a regular bowel movement… sperm whales are often seen defecating, especially while diving, so we didn’t think much of it initially. It pointed itself down, but then, rather than continuing its dive, it remained at the surface, continuing the bowel movement for a startling length of time,” explains Keri.

“The 4 of us looked at each other with confusion, then back at the whale, expecting that any second its call from nature would be ended, and that it would descend to the depths for another meal as they usually do. Instead, the whale bobbed up and down, spun around in circles, and waved poop in every direction for several minutes while 4 of us in the water sat back and watched!”

The minute by minute photos are pretty amusing, but I think you might just want to go to the full article rather than see that much poop on my blog site.  I do have my standards, you know.  Low as they may be.

The full spread of pictures is, ummm, more overwhelming.

There simply is no reason for you to bother reading the news.  Or watching it.  Because I promise you, if there is anything you need to know, anything at all, I will tell you about it.

Including things you didn’t even know you wanted to know about.


Filed under Bat-shit crazy, Climate Change, Conspicuous consumption, Crohn's Disease, Diet tips, Disgustology, GOP, Huh?, Humor, Wild Beasts

86 responses to “Portable Self-Defense

  1. You know, until I read this post I had never before thought about a whale pooping! Now I can’t get those images out of my head!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. For some reason, it never even occurred to me that whales pooped. I’m not sure why – I’ve read the book “Everybody Poops,” so I certainly should know better.


  3. They edit shit like that out of those Nature shows on PBS. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Now I can say I’ve seen everything.


  5. I really DON’T need to go to the usual sources when all the news that’s not fit to print is right here. I don’t care if you can’t smell underwater – I can smell it from here. EWWWWWW!

    And on a semi-serious note, I always thought it might discourage a rapist if you threw up all over yourself – that’s pretty easy to make happen on demand.


    • Ewwww is right. Imagine how long it takes to get that much whale poo out of your hair! Lather rinse repeat – for the rest of your vacation!

      Puking sounds like a great strategy too. Although with my bod, the other end works without any problem!


  6. Just one more reason to stay in the pool just facing the ocean!!!


  7. The sperm whale could have spermed. That would have been pretty gross.

    Or did someone already make that lame joke?

    Ready for the SNOW? Heh heh. Aren’t you its path?


  8. I think I will do what monkeys do and just throw poop at people who annoy me… or when I am just bored


  9. JSD

    E-e-e-u-u-u-u-u-h! 😦


  10. Blech! Too many beans for the fishy?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Laughing and speechless.


  12. That’s hilarious, Elyse. I’ve never encountered a whale underwater as we mostly frequent relatively shallow coral reefs, but that is one major poopnado! I guess that whale showed them.


    • Art of Pouring My Art Out dubbed it “Poop-ocalypse” which I think I prefer — It feels better on the tongue (ewwww).

      We were kayaking in Maine (very close to the shore because I am a weenie) when we found ourselves in the middle of a feeding frenzie by what a naturalist had once told me were “porpoise whales.” They are actually dolphins but don’t tell my husband. It was fascinating — there were dozens of them and they didn’t capsize our kayaks. Or poop, as far as i know!

      I love your diving pictures. I love to snorkel in the Caribbean but it has been a while.


  13. You are right, Elyse. I don’t bother watching the news anymore. I know I can count on you to provide we with the down low on everything I didn’t even know I wanted to know. This is a valuable service and I thank you for it 😉


  14. Holy crap… I feel strangely enlightened and dirty. And I have to ask: how can we allow these whales to continue to deliver excrement into our precious oceans? We have to treat our waste before it goes into the waterways… how come they don’t??? This is a double standard if I ever saw one. Elyse, as the bringer of news that’s cool, you need to take up this banner and stop the whales from further pooping.


    • I blame the GOP, Trend. They have removed so many environmental controls since they got into full control of the US Congress in January of this year. Under the Democrats, there was a mandate put out for all whales, not just sperm whales, to use an EPA-approved whale poop filtering device. And then they, the GOP, denies global warming … It is all just too shitty, Trend. Too, too brown.


  15. It’d be just my luck to be attacked by one of those weirdos that find such a condition a turn-on.


  16. What a clever defense. I’ve never seen or heard about this. I should get a job in the office where you used to work.


    • Hi Barb! Happy New-that’s-gettin’-along Year!

      I imagine that’s where the term “scared shitless” comes from — I think it is a fairly common reaction to poop when you’re scared.

      As to my old office, we did have a lot of fun. But we worked our tails off, too. Long, long hours, low, low pay. Good times!


  17. I have the feeling that whale had enough of those funny looking fish.


  18. So why are they called sperm whales? Shouldn’t they be poop whales?


  19. This is awesome. So funny.


  20. AC

    I think all that shit was just a fluke.


  21. Wow, that’s a lot of poop! And such a well-timed post for me considering my mother just had GI surgery and poop has been the talk of the day around here. In fact, if my family was in a reality television show right now, they’d have to put a scatological warning in the opening credits.


  22. Oh. my. good. Lord. That gives me a stomach ache. Also maybe from laughing over Kate’s question. Look at the quality of friends I’m hanging with. . . . bahahahah.


  23. Oh, my fifth graders are so going to love this……


  24. OMG I’m dying – that’s just going to be my standard comment on your posts Seriously, dying with tears on this one – I think I’ll give them funniness ratings from now on. Don’t know if I have the energy or humor skills to keep up with what’s going to happen in this comment section tonight. Have to go – have a good night laughing, I’ll be thinking of you 🙂


  25. I didn’t know sperm whales ate Mexican food…


  26. Awesome! I wonder if it smells if it’s underwater?


Play nice, please.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s