FiftyFourandAHalf

August 10, 2017 · 0:00

Flushing tips for guests

Really now. This post BELONGS on my blog.

Dear guests,

Welcome to our home and, more specifically, this little corner of personal hygiene privacy we like to call the guest bathroom. Please make yourself comfortable and avail yourself of whatever you need. We have provided a wide variety of reading material, from an assortment of Archie digests to a well-thumbed Victoria’s Secret catalogue, a subtle acknowledgement by your hosts that, here, your business is none of ours.

That said, please be advised that this particular toilet is temperamental, and we ask you to adhere to the following flushing advice.

But first, a little history of this toilet…
The toilet was imported from Ste-Vinaigre-sur-Slaw, France, in 1934 during the height of the Mouvement plomberie fonctionale, which is perhaps best known through the porcelainworks of Henri-Louis Villarouxieuxeut, in particular his breathtaking-to-the-point-of-gasp-producing “Bidet pour des choochoos quotidiennes.”

This particular toilet, however, is not a Villarouxieuxeut but rather one…

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Filed under Humor

July 31, 2017 · 0:00

100

“Who’s thaaaat?” I asked with my three-year old heart filling with love.

She laughed.

“That’s your father when he was in the Navy!”

“Wow.”

I sat and stared at that picture for the longest time.

My dad was an incredibly handsome man, and I adored him. I still do. And he is still the handsomest man I’ve ever known.

Today would have been his 100th Birthday.

Dad loved this picture. Mr. Whiskers. 1917-2000

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Filed under 1917, 2017, Cool people, Crazy family members, Dad, Family, Father-Daughter Relationships, Good Deed Doers, Growing up, Humor, laughter, Love, Missing Folks, Normandy, Taking Care of Each Other, Thanks again

Tagged as 1917-2000, Dad stories, Gone too soon, Handsome Dad, Missing folks

July 21, 2017 · 0:00

Why Didn’t I Think Of That?

Hello, yeah, it’s been a while. Not much, how ’bout you?

There really is no reason. In fact, this particular post is over due. I had blog backup and no plunger.

***

For my first post back after a long break, you know I’m goin’ there. But that is why you came, isn’t it?

Yup. I read an article. Several articles actually. My bad.

This one provides important information to the travelers among us.

The Best Time To Poop On A Plane, According To A Flight Attendant

I will summarize for you, because I have experience in this matter.

The best time to poop on a plane is right after the seat belt light goes off or when the drinks cart comes. The first is usually pretty early in the flight, so really, you should have taken care of that before you got on the plane. Unless you’re me — and then you did it then, too.

Second, is a story about a man with whom I should have had children. We could certainly reach a happy medium:

Doctors remove 28 POUNDS of feces from man, 22, who was constipated

I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be cradling 28-29 lbs of poop quite so tenderly. But perhaps that’s just me.Enter a caption

Lastly, the third story, required by the peculiarities of comedy writing, is something I am shaking my head about, well, my butt tto, because really — I should have thunk of this idea first. If ever a business model stinks of “Elyse,” well, this is it:

A poop-themed restaurant is about to break wind in Toronto*

Yup. A business model that practically screams “ELYSE!!!” Here’s the ummmm, scoop on it.

Toronto’s new Poop Café will feature a “unique selection of desserts from around the world,” according to a Facebook post from the café’s profile. While the restaurant will serve dishes that are brown and shaped like poop (kind of like the poop emoji), not every dish will look like feces.

I for one am glad that not all of this restaurant’s dishes will look like poop. That’s important to me in the pre-poop stage of nutrient intake. I like to have a wee bit of anticipation on that score.

Not half bad. Unless it’s been digested first. Google image.

*My apologies to my Canadian friends. Just when you guys are basking in the glory of a delightful leader, I go and laugh at your poop cafe. Sorry. But it IS a poop-themed cafe. What did you want me to do?