Category Archives: Humor

Take Me Back

I’m a white woman of Irish descent, and so I am pretty sure that I can explain exactly why President Obama, and really, all African-American men and women, would do just about anything to return to the way life was before the Civil War.  Life was so much better way back then, don’t cha think?  Especially for people of color.

Shopping!

You gotta love Sarah Palin.  You gotta pay attention to the former candidate for Vice President of the United States.  Well, you gotta do something with her.  Slapping would work for me.

You see, she couldn’t keep quiet knowing that the new movie GAME CHANGE might just imply that she was, well, not the brightest star in the GOP firmament.  She couldn’t rest thinking that some people who once thought that she really did have a brain might see this movie and change their minds.  Instead, she made sure that nobody will mistake her for someone who should be allowed out without a muzzle.

I’ve got to say, though, she is so dog-gone creative in her criticism of the President.  You betcha!

[Sorry – this is an Obama fundraising ad – I’m not pushing you to give.  But the full video, surprise, surprise, seems to have been taken off of Fox News.]

Now, Poor Sarah has contended that this video was edited to quote her out of context.  So, here, you be the judge.  The stuff between the italics is what was edited out.

He is bringing us back to days, you can hearken back to days before the Civil War, [when unfortunately too many Americans mistakenly believed that not all men were created equal. And it was the Civil War that began the codification of the truth that here in America, yes we are equal, and we all have equal opportunities, not based on the color of your skin, you have equal opportunity to work hard and to succeed and to embrace God-given opportunities to develop resources and work extremely hard and as I say, to succeed. Now, it has taken all these years for many Americans to understand the gravity of that mistake that took place before the Civil War and why the Civil War had to really start changing America.] What Barack Obama seems to want to do is go back to before those days when we were in different classes based on income, based on color of skin. Why are we allowing our country to move backwards? [instead of moving forward with that understanding that as our charters of liberty spell out for us, we are all created equally?]

Huh?

For my international readers, pre-Civil War America was not a nice place for blacks.  Trust me on that one.

But you know, only Sarah Palin would say out loud, and in front of a television camera, that a black man would want to go back to the days of slavery, of being sold away from your family, of being whipped to death for the smallest reason, or for no reason at all.  Only Freedom lovin’ Sarah Palin could even think that.  Yup, those were the days.  Who wouldn’t want to go back?   Those dresses were amazing. And the lifestyle?  Well, it was to die for”  You betcha, especially if you were a slave.

Apparently, it was very hot that day.

In fact, I bet Barack is irritated as hell that there is no “Way Back Machine.”  Because, although Sarah didn’t say it, I bet President Obama might also like to go back in time to the fifties, where being the biracial son of a white woman and a black man was the height of cool.  I bet he’d love those fire hoses — so refreshing on a hot summer’s eve.

And the dogs that sometimes greeted blacks like this one in Birmingham.

Hey, aren't you Rin Tin Tin?

Hey, the President is a dog lover — maybe he could bring Bo with him!

Look! They already know how to play!

Perhaps we can even throw in a visit to South Africa, say, sometime between 1948 and 1994, you know, during Apartheid!  He could hang with Nelson Mandela on Robben Island!  Who hooo – wouldn’t that be a time.

Nelson Mandela in prison on Robben Island in 1966

Me, I’d like to use the Way Back Machine to find a time when I’d never heard of Sarah Palin.

*     *    *

There is really nothing funny about Sarah Palin.  She is evil and dangerous.  Oh, and stupid.

All photos via Google Images

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Filed under Awards, Elections, Humor, Hypocrisy, Politics, Stupidity, Voting

Just Another Word

I just don’t get it.  And I’m hoping someone can help me out here.  You see, my parents left the Catholic Church when I was only 10.  So there is a whole lot about religion that I just don’t get. (Yeah, it’s their fault.)

I got the basics.  I don’t kill people or steal or do other bad things.  I love my neighbor, but not too much.  I’m involved with and engaged in my community, but just not in an organized religion sort of way.  Lack of church membership doesn’t make me a bad person, although I realize that some people would argue with that.  I can handle being on my own should “The Rapture” come to pass.

The thing is, a vocal minority of those folks are really getting all up in my face these days.  They are bouncing up and down and crying “religious freedom” all day and night.  And I don’t know about you, but I think the word “freedom” has been hijacked.   Whenever someone tries to tell me that they are protecting freedom,” well, it’s more likely that he or she is trying to take away some of my freedoms.  And yours.

Yup.  I’m getting the feeling that “Freedom” is becoming less and less free, right here at home.  That noise is Thomas Jefferson and the other founding fathers rolling in their graves.  You remember, those cool old guys who set up a government with a clear separation of Church and State?  I’m pretty sure they’re ticked.

So here is my issue.  My problem.  My query.  When God created man (and women), however that happened, He did it in His image right?  Isn’t that what the bible says?  I’m pretty sure that I got that part right.

These guys do look alike, don't they? But is beauty only skin deep? (Google Image)

Then here’s my question:  Was that image complete?  Whole hog?  I mean, did that “image” include the brain?  And if so, doesn’t that make using one’s brain “Godly” or “Godlike” or, at a minimum, “Good”? Doesn’t that mean that to NOT use one’s brain is ungodly?  And shouldn’t we use our God-given brains to make things better for God’s creatures, including our fellow man?

You see why I’m confused.  Maybe you are too.

I just can’t figure out why some folks apparently think that we were created in God’s image, but only on the outside.  On the inside, well, I guess we’re just created in someone else’s image.  I guess the only interior options would be the fish in the seas or the animals on the land.  That just doesn’t seem Kosher, now, does it?

Spencer Tracy's Father Flanagan doesn't look at all like Rick Santorum -- Google Image

If we were created in God’s image, inside and out, shouldn’t that mean that the wonders created by mankind are God’s work, too?  Isn’t that, well, logical?

So I just don’t understand the folks who hate science, who disdain learning, and who seem to want to go back to times when the folks organizing religion weren’t exactly like Father Flanagan.

Because it seems to me that Rick Santorum, the Virginia Legislature and the GOP in general look and act a lot like these guys:

Fun Times with the Spanish Inquisition -- Google Image

Hey, hey, don’t leave women out!  Those sluts.

Don't want to leave the little woman out of the Inquisition! (Google Image)

Because if these “religious freedom” folks have their way, “Freedom” will, in fact, be just another word for “nothin’ left to lose.”

Perhaps I should have taken more philosophy courses and fewer writing ones.  Because I just don’t get it.

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Filed under Climate Change, Elections, Family, Global Warming, Humor, Hypocrisy, Neighbors, Science, Stupidity, Voting

Cooper

A couple of years ago, I was corresponding with a high school classmate of mine about a reunion.  Hugh had left the east and was living in New Mexico.

“What I really miss is the green,” he said to me in an email.  “I’m thirsty for it.”

Well, it was spring, and that evening I was walking my dog Cooper by the river.  It was hazy, but very green and bluebells were blossoming.  Thinking of my friend Hugh, I snapped a cell-phone picture and sent it off to him.

 

Bluebells with a BonusIt was actually a nice picture, somewhere between a color and a black and white, because the light was diffused.  I liked the picture, and made it my computer’s background photo.  About two weeks later, while talking with a client, I realized that there was a bonus to this picture.  There on the right, was Cooper.   Pooping.

Today is Cooper’s 14th birthday.   We didn’t think he would make it this long, as he has been in poor health for the last couple of years.  He’s always made me laugh, usually at myself.

Happy Birthday, Coops!  And many more.

 

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Filed under Childhood Traumas, Conspicuous consumption, Family, Humor, Stupidity, Uncategorized

Lock-step Ain’t the Two-Step

Poor Lisa.  Lisa Murkowski.  Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK).  She’s upset.  She’s angry.  She’s really sorry.  Poor, Poor Lisa.  It’s not her fault.  Someone else made her do it.  If it happened to you, wouldn’t it make YOU mad?

Poor, Poor Lisa Murkowski (R-AK)

You see, Poor Lisa voted for the Blunt Amendment last Thursday, and now she’s upset.  You remember the Blunt Amendment, don’t you?  It’s the one that would allow any employer to refuse to include healthcare coverage for any condition he or she objects to on moral or religious grounds.

Poor Lisa needs some sympathy.  Here, Lisa, will this help?

Poor Lisa wasn’t upset when she voted for the Blunt Amendment, though.  It wasn’t until afterwards, when she met up with some of the voters (who had written her name in and elected her after her staff misspelled her name on the ballot).  The voters weren’t very happy with her.  In fact, they were a wee bit miffed.  Poor Lisa, now she is very sorry indeed.

Here’s what Poor Lisa told the Anchorage Daily News:

“I have never had a vote I’ve taken where I have felt that I let down more people that believed in me,” she said.

Got a hanky?

Poor Lisa.  She kept making excuses and told the nice newspaper folks all these important things.  Things voters need to remember next time she is up for election:

She’s a moderate. [I can tell!]  She supports abortion rights and contraception coverage [Of course she does – didn’t she prove that with her vote FOR the Blunt Amendment?].  She also doesn’t line up completely with the Catholic Church when it comes to birth control.

I’m so very glad that what she said when it was no longer important cleared up that confusing vote of hers!  Aren’t you?

Because, you see, she’d meant to make a statement about religious freedom.  But those silly voters read it as a vote against contraception coverage for women!  Against women’s health!  Against family planning!  Oops!

Imagine that!  Imagine a world where someone with a vagina and a vote might just think that this vote against women’s health was a really a vote against women’s rights??????  I tell ya, some voters just want everything.

You see, Poor Lisa just did exactly what the Republican Leadership told her to do, just as she has in every vote she’s cast since she got to the Senate.  Republicans are really good at lock-step, every time there’s a vote.  Republicans vote in lock-step even when it goes against their own beliefs — and that’s just what Poor Lisa did.  

And that’s a huge part of the reason why nothing works in Congress.  Republican intransigence.

It’s time.  Time for this issue to become a rallying cry for thinking people – a make or break issue.  And it’s not just a women’s issue, either.

And you know, the President isn’t going to be the only one on the ballot.  And he isn’t the only one who might impact your life.

*****

Photo from TalkingPointsMemo.com (photo credit given on the photo but my eyes can’t read it)

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Filed under Elections, Humor, Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Uncategorized, Voting

Making a Difference

All my life, I’ve wanted to make a difference in the world.  I have sought ways to do it.  At last, in today’s mail, I found just how to do it my way.

I guess it’s not really a new idea.  Folks have been improving the world by spreading the wealth for centuries.  That, I’m sure, was behind George Bush’s terrorism-busting shopping suggestion.  The idea is, of course, to spread the wealth and spend money.  So I’m gonna.  I’m gonna spend lots.

Curious?

Well today I got the most fabulous catalog in the mail.  And it changed my life.

Now, I get loads of catalogs.  Truth be told, I buy a lot of stuff out of them.  Clothes, gifts, stuff no one likes or wants.  You know, just like everyone.

But this catalog was different, and not just because it was laminated.  This one told me that I could make a difference and have a blast at the same time.  All the time, not having to mix with the little people.

What was this catalog, you ask.  Was it the Harriet Carter catalog, filled with stuff you can normally only buy on late-night cable TV (like this Skin Tag Remover) along with a generous assortment of vibrators?

Harriet Carter.com

Nope.  Better.

Was it the Heiffer, International catalog?  Could I order some goats and chickens and ducks (alas no coots) for folks so that they can raise livestock and have a better life?

Heiffer International, a wonderful organization, for real

Nope. Way Better.

Was it a Williams Sonoma catalog full of pricey pots and pans in which I can make gourmet treats for the homeless?

Catalog Cover

Nope.  It was beyond my wildest dreams.

It was the TCS and Starquest Expeditions Catalog, The World Leader in Private Jet Travel.  And they invited me along on a Cultures and Cuisines tour!  Can you believe it?  Me!  Here’s the trip:

 

Cuisines and Cultures Itinerary

 

Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it.  But when I went to the website I found that there are other possibilities.  Endless possibilities.  I can, according to the website, Enjoy the Ultimate In Service, Learn While You Explore, AND Follow Your Passion.

Wow.  What’s not to like?

Now, the cuisine and culture tour looks really good.  But the Around the World tour looks, even better.  I can go here:

Angkor Wat, Cambodia

And Here

Moais, Easter Island, Chile

And here

Luxor Egypt

In fact, I can go to all these places!

Around the World Itinerary

Best of all, there will be no shoe removal at the airport because I’ll get to do it on this:

My Wings

 

But best of all, I will be able to save the world while I do it.  I’m pretty sure that George W and Laura Bush will be along for this one because lookee here at just how the website tells me we’re going to save the world:

Make a Difference in the World
By joining this expedition, you support efforts to enhance the conditions of peoples and places we visit. At each destination on the itinerary, TCS & Starquest Expeditions purchases traditional handicrafts made by local artisans, provides supplies for medical centers or schools, or donates funds for essential programs.  (Impressive, no?)

Or

Make a Difference in the World
By joining an Around the World expedition, you will automatically support efforts to enhance the conditions of the places and peoples we visit—there is no further commitment necessary on your part. Our expedition will provide supplies to medical clinics and schools, as well as contribute funds for essential projects that many people depend on. (Nope, I don’t want to have to do extra to save the world.  Trust me, paying for this trip will suffice.)

Which way I save the world is dependent entirely on which tour I choose.  Decisions, decisions.

Damn, it’s wonderful being in the top 1% of the top 1%.  With TCS and Starquest Expeditions you can see the world guilt free.  All this for about $60,000.  Each.  And there is no need to mingle.

******

Travel photos all courtesy of TCS and Starquest Expeditions Catalog.  Saving the world lingo is theirs too.

 

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Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Humor, Hypocrisy