Category Archives: Humor

March 24, 2012 · 0:00

Pounding Wood

At the park this morning, I watched a whole lot of birds. And I figured out American politics in the process.

Specifically, I learned that we’re not eagles.

Google Image, of course

No, I didn’t mean those eagles, although we’re not them.

I meant these eagles – and we’re not them either. We’re not golden eagles either.

Naturally I am confused about this, since I thought all Americans were cunning, smart and resourceful, just like our national symbol.

We're Not?????? http://www.strangefarmer.com/images/content/155616.jpg

But we’re not at all like eagles. I’m pretty sure we Americans are much more like woodpeckers.

Pileated Woodpecker. Thanks, Google

We come in all shapes and sizes.

Redbellied Woodpecker (yeah, I know it has a red head. I don't name these things)

We’re black and white and red and gray and brown.

Smoky brown woodpecker.

And we hit our heads against hard stuff all the time. Repeatedly.

Take the issue of health insurance, for example.

The people who need it most are the ones who oppose it most. They just slam their heads into those trees, again and again. But at least woodpeckers get bugs and build nests. Human woodpeckers get nothing for their troubles. Well, except troubles. Oh and large bills.

Who can’t afford medical care? Where do they live? Let’s look.

Poverty in the US

Then Check out these maps showing US distribution of diseases and conditions that, well, just might need a visit to a doctor from time to time:

Diabetes

Distribution of cardiovascular disease:

Heart Disease

Distribution of obesity:

Obesity in US, 2007 (http://www.americanobesity.org/obesityInAmerica.htm)

Now, look at the map of folks who don’t have health insurance

Who DOESN'T HAVE Health insurance?

And the map of states whose government are fighting Obama’s Affordable Care Act.

States trying to repeal the Affordable Care Act.

Can I see a show of hands of who sees a pattern here. Yeah, I knew you’d notice that it’s all the folks who probably need health insurance most have elected governments that are fighting against insuring them.

Yup, we’re a nation of peckers.

********

Bird images from Google unless otherwise noted.

Maps from the U.S. Centers from Disease Control unless otherwise noted on the map or here:

Diabetes map:

http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/DDT_STRS2/NationalDiabetesPrevalenceEstimates.aspx

Poverty map:

http://www.censusscope.org/us/map_poverty.html

Heart Disease map:

http://www.cdc.gov/dhdsp/maps/national_maps/hd_all.htm

Who has Health Insurance:

http://www.cdc.gov/dhdsp/maps/sd_insurance_2000.htm

102 Comments

Filed under Health and Medicine, Humor, Hypocrisy, Politics, Stupidity

Tagged as Assholes, Family, GOP, Humor, Stupid Lawsuits

March 21, 2012 · 0:00

Color My World

They didn’t color my childhood. In fact, growing up in Connecticut there wasn’t a single one.

When I moved to Washington, DC, however, people kept talking about red buds all spring. I thought everyone was weird. What was the big deal? Most trees have red buds, and when the leaves come out, they’re green. Or else flowers come out, and they’re purple or pink or white. Why was everybody talking about “red” buds? I kept looking around for a particularly beautiful red-flowering tree. But there weren’t any.

My father-in-law finally set me straight. About 5 years after I’d moved down here, Johnny pointed right at one — that’s a “red bud.”

What color do you see?

“But it’s purple,” I responded.

“Yes I know it’s purple. It’s a red bud.”

“No. It is a ‘purple bud.’ Why would you call an obviously purple tree a ‘red bud'”?

“Because that’s what they’re called. The buds are red.”

“All buds are red, or most of them.” Logic never wins arguments. Ticks me off.

I thought that maybe the trees that I call “purple buds” were indigenous the DC area. Maybe, I thought, they only grow in swamps or in places where people suffer from that special DC combination: over-sized egos + Potomac Fever.

But no, Wikipedia tells me that Cercis canadensis (Eastern Redbud) grow in much of the U.S. and in parts of both Canada and Mexico. Of course the picture Wikipedia gave me ignores Canada completely.

Eastern "Redbud" Distribution

Sorry Canada.

I got to thinking and I figured that maybe, just maybe, if we can start by renaming these trees, by calling them what they obviously should be called, well then maybe we can work out all the other problems in the U.S. And after that we can tackle the problems of the rest of the world.

But of course, then we’d have to get Congress to agree:

Eastern Purplebud Tree

Are they purple?

Eastern Pinkbud Tree

Or are they pink?

(Google took these pictures, not me.)

60 Comments

Filed under Climate Change, Family, Global Warming, Humor, Politics

Tagged as Family, Flowers, Humor

March 19, 2012 · 0:00

Does This Make Sense To You?

All this talk by the GOP about banning contraception, particularly for poor women, has me a little bit confused. And for good reasons.

The first one is because I’m pretty sure that the poor and downtrodden aren’t really the GOP’s base. So why do they want more poor people?

Then there’s the money part of this question. Because, last I heard, Republicans are really big investors. Don’t Republicans invest in drug companies that sell contraceptives? You know, birth control? Products that keep people from having babies when they, umm, you know. Don’t Republicans want to make money from their investments?

But the third and most baffling reason I don’t understand their desire to prevent women, and particularly single women, from getting contraceptives — making it more likely they’ll have babies — is because of what single women can and have done:

From Dailykos.com

Politics is so gosh darn confusing.

93 Comments

Filed under Elections, Family, Humor, Hypocrisy, Politics, Science, Stupidity, Susan G. Komen

Tagged as Assholes, Birth Control, Family, GOP, Humor, Politics, Single Mothers

March 17, 2012 · 0:00

Mom’s Song

In her teens and twenties, my mom was a singer. She had a lovely, haunting voice and great style. By the time I came along and was growing up, Mom mostly sang while she did chores. She always seemed to have her hands in the sink with a load of dirty dishes from our good Irish Catholic family of five.

Mom was a Connelly and her mother a Kennedy. Yes, we’re related. But then, Ireland is a small island; everyone is really related to everyone else.

So on St. Paddy’s day, here is the closest thing I could find to my mother singing her very favorite song.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day up there, Mom. I hope your Irish eyes are smiling and dancing up there with Dad.

Everyone else keep safe! Me, I have dishes to do.

36 Comments

Filed under Family, Humor, Music

Tagged as Family, Humor, Irish, Music

March 16, 2012 · 0:00

Speaker7, I Hear You!

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I am slow. So it has been many weeks since Ramblings and Rumblings’ Speaker7 “tagged” me, during which time several other folks she tagged answered her questions. Now that no one is paying attention any more, and all the funny answers have been, well, answered, I’m going to play. Don’t hate me just because everyone else has gone home.

First off, I need to tell you about Speaker7 who is right more often than my husband (he is always right — my advice? Don’t marry a lawyer.) She understands politics, politicians and turds. What more does anyone really need to understand? Thanks for including me on your list, Speaker7.

OK, so here are her questions to me:

1.) Which member of the Backstreet Boys are you most like?

I like the gay one:

2.) What did Bruce Jenner do to his face?

Upon realizing that he had traded in a career doing something cool to staring with the Kardashians in wasted TV airspace, Bruce Jenner’s face cracked wide open. This crack was large enough for what remained of his brain to escape and take up residence in a less compromised skull: Matt Lauer’s.

3.) Please explain what a Kim Kardashian is and why anyone would know what a Kim Kardashian is?

A severe lack of talented writers in Hollywood led to the current crop of celebrities who have even less talent than the writers writing about them. The antidote is to hire us, clever bloggers who understand comedy, real life, and how nobody with a lick of sense gives a shit about reality TV.

4.) How doomed are we?

Not at all. Because we survived and there is a T-Shirt to prove it. All we need is $9.95 and we are invincible.

5.) Is Ryan Seacrest a robot or is he something less artificial?

A robot.

6.) Why isn’t Rush Limbaugh kicked in the nuts daily?

Because he is a coward and has no nuts. No vagina either. He is an alien. A zombie. A plague on humanity. A soon to be four-times divorced roll [sic] model with a drug problem and vanishing sponsors.

7.) Which religion is correct?

Mine. And I’ll kill you to prove it. Or maybe I’ll just revoke all your rights. And mess around in your girlie/boyie parts.

8.) Can you think of someone who is worse than the current slate of Republican presidential candidates?

Sarah Palin would be even worse. Funnier, but way worse.

9.) Why do people enjoy the book Twilight?

People who did not grow up on Dark Shadows enjoy Twilight. They enjoy seeing the movie because they want to see Cedric Diggory come back to life so Voldemort will lose. Oh, yeah, he does.

10.) What’s up?

Playing tag again. What’s up with you?

11.) How many Academy Awards will Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance win?

Why, oh why, do they keep making such stupid movies? And why does Nick Cage keep doing stupid shit? I know he needs money, but perhaps we can pay him to stop.

My questions:

It’s been a busy week. You have 155 blogs to read and comment on tonight. Do you:
1. Read the new ones first
2. Read the old ones first
3. Pick out your favs
4. Delete them all and hope you do a better job next week
Beatles or the Stones?
Favorite vacation ever.
When you hit the “Like” button on a blog post, which posts does Word Press say are your ‘great posts worth seeing? Do you agree that those are your best?
All-time favorite commercial
Favorite stupid comment about contraceptives
Things you’d rather do than watch college basketball.
Most embarrassing experience
THE word you simply cannot spell correctly and why we should change to your version.
Your special punishment for the lame-ass individual who came up with “REALITY TV.”
If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

Now, I’m not going to tag anyone, but I am going to list some folks here for you all to check out if you don’t already know them. These are mostly old blogging buddies. I’ll do another list of newer ones, too.

A Frank Angle

Articles of Absurdity

Ashley Jillian

Aurora Morealis

Becoming Cliche

Before Morning Breaks

Being Arindam

Best Bathroom Books

Big Sheep Communications

Childhood Relived

DiatribesAndOvations

El Guapo