Because Mine Don’t

Tomorrow at my office, I and other members of the “Senior Staff” must present some cost cutting measures for consideration by the President and CEO.  I’ve been worrying about this for more than a month.  Me, I’m more into spending than cost cutting, and I just didn’t have any really good ideas for how a small business like ours could, well, save money.

But then, to quote John Lennon, “I read the news today, oh boy.”  And I know just exactly how we will be saving loads of money.  Can you guess how?

We can save sh*tloads of cash on health insurance in the not too distant future.  How?

Yup, you guessed it!  I’m counting on the Republicans in Congress continuing to be so completely, bafflingly, inexplicably bizarre.   I’m betting that the Amendment proposed by Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) to the Affordable Healthcare Act will become law.  You read about it, didn’t you?  It would allow any employer to “opt out” of offering insurance coverage to their employees if they object to coverage for religious or moral grounds.

When it becomes law, PRESTO!  My company will save a fortune.  I am a magician!  I will save the company.  I will be promoted!  I will make big buckaroooooooooooossssss!  I will be rewarded!  At least I’ll keep my job.

Cue the evil laugh.  Mooaahhhhhhhaaaahaaaaaaa.

Now there aren’t many of us at my little company.  In fact I think we may all actually be “Senior Staff,” so I will need to present this carefully.  Or mumble.

And, well, there aren’t too many health issues to speak of among our 22 employees.  The usual flu, cold, allergies.  Nothing particularly juicy.  Nothing even remotely immoral.  Nothing even borderline.  Besides, what could we possibly object to on both moral and religious grounds that hasn’t already been taken care of by those busy beavers at the Virginia State Legislature?

Clearly, I had to dig deeper.  I had to look to find what everyone has in common.  And I figured it out!

We will deny health insurance coverage to anyone who poops.

We will do it on moral AND religious grounds. 

Yup, poop.  Nobody likes poop – that’s why we flush it away, why we bury it, why we hide behind doors to do it.  I’ll save us a fortune in premiums.

As the self-proclaimed new insurance representative of my company, I hereby proclaim:

We oppose poop on moral grounds.

We oppose poop on religious grounds.

(Opposing poop on religious grounds would be easier if only I could remember which religion has the caste system – you know, where only the lowest caste deals with poop.  Whatever religion that may be.  I’m sure it’s mentioned in the Constitution.  (It’s probably somewhere in the 2nd Amendment.)

Soon, my company won’t have to cover anybody; we’ll save a bloomin’ fortune.

But somehow, I will have to figure out how I can get insurance that covers me, because, you see, I have some healthcare issues, and I want to keep MY coverage.

I know!!  My coverage can be special; because my poop don’t stink.  Just like that of the folks proposing this Amendment.  Right?


Filed under Elections, Family, Humor, Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Susan G. Komen, Technology, Uncategorized

65 responses to “Because Mine Don’t

  1. Pingback: Lock-step Ain’t the Two-Step | FiftyFourandAHalf

  2. I want to read the minutes for that meeting.


  3. One word, “Ha!” Okay, two more, “very funny”.


  4. Elyse you have your finger on this issue alright. And as every small business faces tough budget cuts – and large businesses as well – it seems like the methods to save money get crazier. What happened to ways of increasing revenue instead of cutting expenses? That’s the real win-win solution.


    • I agree that increasing revenue is better than cutting. Actually, no body would really look to me to make major spending cuts. Well, no smart person, anyway.
      This was more a commentary on the craziness of politics. I DO work for a small business, but one with a heart firmly in place. I am really really lucky actually, because I don’t think that there are many people who can make that claim anymore. Remember when companies, especially large ones, were paternalistic? Now they are more dysfunctional families.


  5. Elyse–I’m looking forward to further reports because I am confounded by the Health Care Issue. I work at a small company and have the good fortune to have health care for me and my wife–but if I lost my job (hoping that’s unlikely) it would cost a, dare I say it? A poop-load.
    The fact that Obama got healthcare on the table is a step in the right direction, but man, we’ve got a long way to go.


    • Insurance really should just be single-payer. Period. To me it is a no-brainer. But I think that, generally speaking, people with brains see it that way. It’s the people with no brains who have made it so damn complicated.

      And I know what you mean about the cost to folks in little companies (hey, we’re the job creators!!!!) — it costs a fortune in my company too.


  6. PERFECT! But I want a brass placard on my very own stall.


  7. Oh, my goodness!!!!! What a treasure this blog is!

    I teach fifth grade, so poop is a pretty hot topic in my world! I may need to share this at morning meeting tomorrow!


  8. GOF

    I’ve come across so many crap management suggestions in my life that your proposal is just like a little ray of sunshine.
    Not only can you save money by not health-insuring people who poop, on a National scale I believe bowel movements could be taxed thereby removing the present inequity of rich people of legally evade other forms of taxation.

    Just a thought.


  9. I find myself at a loss for words. This may be historic.


  10. As usual, you call them out as you see them in a “no holds barred” way–but with just enough humor not to have someone official launch an investigation against you. I hope!


  11. I agree with much inspiration, motivation, even a tinge of humor as I read all the “poop” stuff in this wonderful post. It takes one voice to start a change. It takes one heart to touch the world. Thank you and God bless.


  12. Awesome post. Way to make the system work for you. Let us know how that meeting goes. 😉


  13. aFrankAngle

    Thanks for making your point through humor about a serious subject … especially during a time when companies are reducing their contributions to coverage. As for Sen Blunt’s idea, well, just another reason why the Democrats must keep control of the Senate.


    • All of this stuff is making my blood boil, actually Frank. There does seem to be a cosmic “screw everybody” game being played and I for one am sick to death of it.

      Thanks for your support!


      • aFrankAngle

        The thought of total Republican control in Washington and their potential overreach scares me … and I’m a moderate independent!

        By the way, I mentioned you in my current post! 🙂


  14. Elyse, this was one craptastic post. Thanks for the laugh and the tears because this is oh too true.


  15. I didn’t see that coming, now I had to run for the pooper so I didn’t pee my pants from laughing. Thank you!

    I think you are looking for India, it isn’t the religion (I don’t think) of Hindu though it is just the cultural standard of the caste system.


  16. And just remember..Jesus liked poor people. Letting them pay for their own medical care will keep them poor, and then they can go to heaven. This is sainthood material.


  17. bigsheepcommunications

    What about those people who have poop for brains? Would they be covered or not?


  18. Hahahaha. You kill me.


  19. Hi,
    Even though I don’t know anything about American Politics, I loved your post, and I did smile as I was reading. Well done. 😀


  20. BTW I couldn’t vote you in for anything because I am in Canada but I did nominate you for some blog awards. Details are on my page. And this was all done before I even visited your pages today, enjoy in your own way 🙂


  21. What if I were to form a religion on the basis of poop? Would you be interested in joining such a church? I’m just doing some informal polling.


  22. Yeah, I agree with Aurora. Run for office on the poop agenda. I don’t know if I’d vote for you but I would be entertained and have a blogger-turned-politician to blog about. I know no one will believe it but stranger things have happened.


  23. Yes, run for office, how refreshing it would be to have such a realistic, fair-minded soul as you in a position of power 🙂


  24. This would go over big at my job, except that anything I suggest is always poo-pooed by management.


  25. Absolutely. There are lots of ideas going around these days, and none of them seem very good. I just figured I’d do one that was over the top. Or maybe under the bottom…


  26. Sounds like a sh*tty idea 🙂


  27. What makes this truly amazing to me is that I sat down to poop right before I started reading this. Good timing! Alas Missouri, I fear I must leave thee one day soon. I can’t believe my state choose Santorum. Ugh. Only thing I like about him is the definition of his last name. I laugh a lot then. Thanks for the smiles!


    • Well, as long as I didn’t make you poop.

      But you don’t really need to leave the state — just work to make sure that Santorum (or any of his ilk) don’t win the House, the Senate or the Presidency. It really is all up to us.

      Hell, I live in Virginia — which will soon define the lunacy that is right-wing Republican politics. Every day they pass something more egregious. Today was a forced vaginal exam, believe it or not.


      • I’m clicking all over your page, looking for the Like/Admire/WonderfulFunny button.
        This legislation is beyond weird. My hope is that health care legislation will become so funky, it’ll make socialized systems like Canada and UK look great. Oh…wait…that’ll never happen. I forgot it’s the insurance companies who are making the decisions. You need to get some Poo Cross and Poo Shield.


  28. Maybe you could call in sick?


  29. Forget keeping your job. You should run for office!


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