Category Archives: Global Warming

August 29, 2012 · 0:00

French is Dangerous

You’ve heard me talk about this before (Merde 101). But the world has gotten more dangerous since I wrote that piece. We need to be on the lookout. We need to be vigilant. We need to speak English. No, this is not an anti-immigrant piece. This is a potential-worldwide-calamity-caused-by-incomprehensible-grammar piece.

Yes, it’s true. I’m saying that all roads to terrorism are sign-posted in FRENCH. Believe me. I lived there. I know. Well, I don’t know the language, but I know those signposts. And what they say. More or less.

Why would I make such an accusation? Because French is stupid.

Well, actually, it’s really French possessives. French possessives are stupid, illogical, dangerous.

You see, in French, objects get the gender of the object/noun, not the owner. And that, is of course, the problem.

Imagine that there is a man and a woman in a train station. Between them is a suitcase.

Google Image (or KGB?)

In it is a nuclear bomb. Desperate to foil the bad guys, you cannot just shout out “It’s HIS!” pointing to the man who can be arrested and the bomb diffused.

Google Images are everywhere

Why not?

Because the word for suitcase in French is “valise” which is feminine. Therefore, you can only say “It’s HERS” (“Est la valise!”) — regardless of who owns the suitcase/nuclear bomb. The bomb would go off and everyone would die.

The terrorists would succeed because French is stupid.

Not speaking French is the way to protect the world.

*****

One of my blogging buddies, Paprika of Good Humored felt stupid recently. She wrote about it here: At Least We Can See France From Our Toilet. And it’s not her fault. You see, Paprika and her husband Oregano found themselves in French-speaking Switzerland, just down the road from where I used to live. They came back feeling stupid. They shouldn’t have. Instead, they should have come back relieved that they had survived a nuclear attack.

[Note to folks who actually know French: Before you get on my case, I do know that there are other was to say “It’s HIS.” But they are not short, sweet and to the point. They are long and involved and the bomb would explode by the time anyone could get the sentence out. The Terrorists would still win.]

67 Comments

Filed under Criminal Activity, Geneva Stories, Gizmos, Global Warming, Health and Medicine, History, Humor, Hypocrisy, Neighbors, Politics, Science, Stupidity

Tagged as Bad days, Crazy people, Crying, French, Humor, Packaging, Pushing Buttons, Stupidity, Technology

July 30, 2012 · 0:00

Damn Straight

I just read that the Washington, DC, metropolitan area is tops! As in Numero Uno. Better than second and third place winners, Denver and Chicago. We are the Champions!

In what category? Swearing at work.

Shit, yeah!

Who says Washington can’t do anything right?

41 Comments

Filed under Awards, Criminal Activity, Driving, Elections, Family, Global Warming, Gun control, Health and Medicine, Humor, Hypocrisy, Neighbors, Politics, Stupidity, Traffic, Word Press

Tagged as Assholes, Crazy people, GOP, Humor, Michele Bachmann, Pushing Buttons, Tea Party, Traffic, Washington

July 5, 2012 · 0:00

The Years of Living Dangerously

Hey, let’s all live dangerously. What do you say?

Nope, I’m not talking bungee jumping.

Goooooooggggglllllllllleeeeeeeeeee Imageeeeeeeeeeee

Nope, I’m not talking sky diving.

Ahhhhhhhhh (Google again)

Nope, I am not even talking about driving down the I-95 corridor.

Nope.

I’m talking seriously daring as a group activity. Because now that it’s summertime, well, we all need to P-A-R-T-Y. And we need to do it all together. It’ll be a blast.

Here, you go first. Drive across this bridge.

Whittier Bridge on I-95 in Northern Mass. (Thanks Google)

It’s the twin of this bridge, and in roughly the same condition as this bridge was just before, well, you know.

Minnesota Bridge collapse. (Google Image)

Wouldn’t it be especially fun to drive across that? The adrenaline rush would be amazing. Especially when you drive across it real slow, with thousands of other similar thrill seekers. A hoot-and-a-half?

And you don’t need to just play on that bridge. Nope. A study published last year by Transportation for America found:

One in Nine Bridges in America “Structurally Deficient, Potentially Dangerous”

So chances are you won’t have to go too far to find a place to play this game. Here’s a link to a map that will show you where. We can get thrills every single day!

Across the country, there is the cry of “cut-cut-cut,” by which the town criers mean “gut-gut-gut.” And it is giving everyone in the country multiple opportunities to tempt fate. To see just how thoroughly we can decimate our services and our infrastructure before calamity strikes.

Who needs thrills from extreme sports when reality is always near?

Have you heard about what happened recently when reality struck in Colorado Springs, Colorado?

Colorado Springs is considered the “birthplace” of The Taxpayer Bill of Rights, which has spread like wildfire throughout the country, in part spawning the Tea Party movement. It is also the home of “Focus on the Family,” you know, that bunch of progressives whose fearless leader claims “was the tea party before the tea party was cool.”

Last year, there was an election for the job of Colorado Springs Mayor. Nine candidates ran. Six of them signed Grover Norquist’s “no taxes” pledge. (The very same pledge that has stymied the U.S. Congress.) One candidate, Richard Skorman, didn’t sign the pledge. His reasoning?

“What if the city got hit by a major wildfire?”

But reasonableness and forward thinking no longer wins votes it seems.

Mr. Skorman lost, and the candidate who won, had signed Grover’s pledge. And “cut” was just what new Mayor Steve Bach did. They laid off policemen and firefighters. Sold assets. Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut. Yahoo!

Oh, but have you read the news lately? Well, it seems that the city of Colorado Springs got hit by a major wildfire! Who could have imagined that that would ever happen? I mean, it’s a freak occurrence, right? It never happens. Right? Who knew? Who could have predicted it?

Google Image

Now that the unimaginable has happened, well, they’ve called in the National Guard because, due to (1) the catastrophe, (2) the reduced police force; (3) the reduced firefighting resources; and (4) LOOTING, they need help. Yes, there aren’t enough firefighters to protect the town, folks are looting, and there aren’t enough police to handle the crimes.

Who would ever have guessed? Oh, yeah. One of the candidates guessed. My bad.

When did we become a country so unwilling to work together, to pool our resources to prevent problems and to tackle the unforeseen? When did paying your fare share become something that only fools and progressives do? When did working together to build a better country become something for patsies?

Oh yeah. 1980. I remember it well.

Remember? “The government IS the problem.”

There is real need to work together, chip in — in cash and sweat equity. That’s how America was built. That’s how it became a great nation. Because that’s what is really at stake in our political philosophy and the folks who are unwilling to pay more reasonable taxes (and by folks I mean the rich bastards who can afford to pay way more. I’m talking to you, Mitt and to your buddies).

Are we a country that builds or a country that crumbles. That collapses. That burns.

Elections matter.

68 Comments

Filed under Climate Change, Criminal Activity, Driving, Global Warming, Humor, Hypocrisy, Law, Real Estate, Taxes

Tagged as Assholes, Crap, Crazy people, GOP, Humor, Stupidity, Taxes, Tea Party

March 21, 2012 · 0:00

Color My World

They didn’t color my childhood. In fact, growing up in Connecticut there wasn’t a single one.

When I moved to Washington, DC, however, people kept talking about red buds all spring. I thought everyone was weird. What was the big deal? Most trees have red buds, and when the leaves come out, they’re green. Or else flowers come out, and they’re purple or pink or white. Why was everybody talking about “red” buds? I kept looking around for a particularly beautiful red-flowering tree. But there weren’t any.

My father-in-law finally set me straight. About 5 years after I’d moved down here, Johnny pointed right at one — that’s a “red bud.”

What color do you see?

“But it’s purple,” I responded.

“Yes I know it’s purple. It’s a red bud.”

“No. It is a ‘purple bud.’ Why would you call an obviously purple tree a ‘red bud'”?

“Because that’s what they’re called. The buds are red.”

“All buds are red, or most of them.” Logic never wins arguments. Ticks me off.

I thought that maybe the trees that I call “purple buds” were indigenous the DC area. Maybe, I thought, they only grow in swamps or in places where people suffer from that special DC combination: over-sized egos + Potomac Fever.

But no, Wikipedia tells me that Cercis canadensis (Eastern Redbud) grow in much of the U.S. and in parts of both Canada and Mexico. Of course the picture Wikipedia gave me ignores Canada completely.

Eastern "Redbud" Distribution

Sorry Canada.

I got to thinking and I figured that maybe, just maybe, if we can start by renaming these trees, by calling them what they obviously should be called, well then maybe we can work out all the other problems in the U.S. And after that we can tackle the problems of the rest of the world.

But of course, then we’d have to get Congress to agree:

Eastern Purplebud Tree

Are they purple?

Eastern Pinkbud Tree

Or are they pink?

(Google took these pictures, not me.)

60 Comments

Filed under Climate Change, Family, Global Warming, Humor, Politics

Tagged as Family, Flowers, Humor

March 10, 2012 · 0:00

Just Another Word

I just don’t get it. And I’m hoping someone can help me out here. You see, my parents left the Catholic Church when I was only 10. So there is a whole lot about religion that I just don’t get. (Yeah, it’s their fault.)

I got the basics. I don’t kill people or steal or do other bad things. I love my neighbor, but not too much. I’m involved with and engaged in my community, but just not in an organized religion sort of way. Lack of church membership doesn’t make me a bad person, although I realize that some people would argue with that. I can handle being on my own should “The Rapture” come to pass.

The thing is, a vocal minority of those folks are really getting all up in my face these days. They are bouncing up and down and crying “religious freedom” all day and night. And I don’t know about you, but I think the word “freedom” has been hijacked. Whenever someone tries to tell me that they are “protecting freedom,” well, it’s more likely that he or she is trying to take away some of my freedoms. And yours.

Yup. I’m getting the feeling that “Freedom” is becoming less and less free, right here at home. That noise is Thomas Jefferson and the other founding fathers rolling in their graves. You remember, those cool old guys who set up a government with a clear separation of Church and State? I’m pretty sure they’re ticked.

So here is my issue. My problem. My query. When God created man (and women), however that happened, He did it in His image right? Isn’t that what the bible says? I’m pretty sure that I got that part right.

These guys do look alike, don't they? But is beauty only skin deep? (Google Image)

Then here’s my question: Was that image complete? Whole hog? I mean, did that “image” include the brain? And if so, doesn’t that make using one’s brain “Godly” or “Godlike” or, at a minimum, “Good”? Doesn’t that mean that to NOT use one’s brain is ungodly? And shouldn’t we use our God-given brains to make things better for God’s creatures, including our fellow man?

You see why I’m confused. Maybe you are too.

I just can’t figure out why some folks apparently think that we were created in God’s image, but only on the outside. On the inside, well, I guess we’re just created in someone else’s image. I guess the only interior options would be the fish in the seas or the animals on the land. That just doesn’t seem Kosher, now, does it?

Spencer Tracy's Father Flanagan doesn't look at all like Rick Santorum -- Google Image

If we were created in God’s image, inside and out, shouldn’t that mean that the wonders created by mankind are God’s work, too? Isn’t that, well, logical?

So I just don’t understand the folks who hate science, who disdain learning, and who seem to want to go back to times when the folks organizing religion weren’t exactly like Father Flanagan.

Because it seems to me that Rick Santorum, the Virginia Legislature and the GOP in general look and act a lot like these guys: