July 21, 2017 · 0:00
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Why Didn’t I Think Of That?

Hello, yeah, it’s been a while.  Not much, how ’bout you?

There really is no reason.  In fact, this particular post is over due.  I had blog backup and no plunger.

***

For my first post back after a long break, you know I’m goin’ there.  But that is why you came, isn’t it?

Yup.  I read an article.  Several articles actually.  My bad.

This one provides important information to the travelers among us.

The Best Time To Poop On A Plane, According To A Flight Attendant

I will summarize for you, because I have experience in this matter.

The best time to poop on a plane is right after the seat belt light goes off or when the drinks cart comes.  The first is usually pretty early in the flight, so really, you should have taken care of that before you got on the plane.  Unless you’re me — and then you did it then, too.

Second, is a story about a man with whom I should have had children.  We could certainly reach a happy medium:

Doctors remove 28 POUNDS of feces from man, 22, who was constipated

Poop -- HUGE

I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be cradling 28-29 lbs of poop quite so tenderly.  But perhaps that’s just me.Enter a caption

Lastly, the third story, required by the peculiarities of comedy writing, is something I am shaking my head about, well, my butt tto, because really — I should have thunk of this idea first.  If ever a business model stinks of “Elyse,” well, this is it:

A poop-themed restaurant is about to break wind in Toronto*

Yup.  A business model that practically screams “ELYSE!!!” Here’s the ummmm, scoop on it.

Toronto’s new Poop Café will feature a “unique selection of desserts from around the world,” according to a Facebook post from the café’s profile. While the restaurant will serve dishes that are brown and shaped like poop (kind of like the poop emoji), not every dish will look like feces.

I for one am glad that not all of this restaurant’s dishes will look like poop. That’s important to me in the pre-poop stage of nutrient intake.  I like to have a wee bit of anticipation on that score.

Soft serve chocolate.

Not half bad.  Unless it’s been digested first.  Google image.

 

*My apologies to my Canadian friends.  Just when you guys are basking in the glory of a delightful leader, I go and laugh at your poop cafe.  Sorry.  But it IS a poop-themed cafe.  What did you want me to do?

53 Comments

Filed under 'Merica, ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, A Little Restraint, Perhaps, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Assholes, Bat-shit crazy, Crohn's Disease, Don't Make Me Puke, Donald Trump, Gross, Holy Shit, Huh?, Humor, Jeff Sessions, Mom would die of embarrassment, Nobody's gonna excavate my poop. I hope., Not something you hear about every day, Oh shit, Poop, Poop Power, Shit happens, Taking Care of Each Other, WTF?

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53 responses to “Why Didn’t I Think Of That?”

  1. pouringmyartout
    August 3, 2017 at 0:00

    Oh man… I am at a loss for turds… uh… I mean words…

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. valentinelogar
    July 26, 2017 at 0:00

    Why oh why, do I miss you so then I read this and it is all pooh. Oh I know why.. you take me back to when pooh and farts are funny.

    Hope you are good my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Elyse
      July 26, 2017 at 0:00

      So nice to see you, Val! I’m ok, but not writing much more than you are Can you say “demoralized”? Such a sad state of affairs.

      Hope you are well and enjoying your new house and that life is good.

      And even when I write about politics, it’s all 💩

      Like

      Reply
  3. aFrankAngle
    July 24, 2017 at 0:00

    You are the maitre’d of the Poop Café.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. Exile on Pain Street
    July 24, 2017 at 0:00

    Honestly, I don’t know how to respond. This is some extreme shizzle.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. Carrie Rubin
    July 24, 2017 at 0:00

    I read about that man who had part of his colon removed for inspissated stool. Hard to imagine! Maybe he dined too much at that restaurant. 😁

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  6. pegoleg
    July 24, 2017 at 0:00

    Is that really, seriously what that doctor is holding? Really??? Seriously????

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  7. Life With The Top Down
    July 23, 2017 at 0:00

    Ok, are your ready? I saw the article about the Poop Restaurant and thought of you … oh, yes I did. Hahahaha!
    Also, I’m a little jealous of that man losing 22 pounds over night.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Elyse
      July 23, 2017 at 0:00

      I am honored that you thought of me, Tops. Truly. It shows that my mission of educating the public on the glories of all things poop-related is a success!

      And yeah, 22 lbs. I can literally see about 5 when I cut my hair —

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  8. RuthBH2Day
    July 23, 2017 at 0:00

    EEEEEWWWWWWW! I don’t think I’ll be keeping an eye out for that eatery

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  9. Twindaddy
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    Well, in the eloquent words of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, this was a great post….FOR ME TO POOP ON!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  10. kingmidget
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    I really didn’t need to see what 28 pounds of poop looks like, did I???
    We have a cookie recipe that we all affectionately refer to as Poop Cookies. It’s a chocolate dough that we roll into … well, somewhat of a poop shape and curl into a half circle. Bake, then coat with powdered sugar. With the sugar added what it really looks like is dog poop that’s been out in the backyard long enough to start getting that white mold on it. Yum!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  11. nonnie9999
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    Welcome back, Elyse

    I don’t think I will be going to the Poop Cafe. While I think it’s a great place to take kids (what kid wouldn’t take a dare to eat something that looks like poop?), I like to sit comfortably when I am eating, and I suspect they will not have booths, only stools. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  12. Just Joan
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    Good to see you, Elyse! I could smell this post coming from a mile away. That colon thing… 28 lbs… just WOW! Obviously, he won the grand prize at his Weight Watcher’s meeting that week. And I may never eat chocolate soft-serve again. Hey, just wanted you to know those “shittens” you mentioned in your prior post made it into one of my poems… how often does one find a use for info like that? Have a shit-free week! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  13. Kate Crimmins
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    Good to see you back. I’ve been poop deprived!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  14. Jim Wheeler
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    Welcome back, Elyse. I was concerned about your absence.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  15. Maggie Wilson
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    Of course my husband, who is only mildly supportive of my blogging, chose to peer over my shoulder at the precise moment that I scrolled by the image of the engorged colon. “What kind of shit are you reading?” he exclaimed.

    “Exactly,” I said.

    No need to apologize to this Canadian. I’m laughing at the cafe, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  16. barbtaub
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    Oh thank god! I was starting to worry that I’d have to come up with some other way to stay au courant with all things poop-relevant.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  17. drugopinions
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    Love it! Welcome back!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  18. Vanessa-Jane Chapman
    July 22, 2017 at 0:00

    Hi Elyse, I must do a post soon too, I’ve been away for faaarrr toooo looong, rather like how long that guy had been away from the toilet.

    I like to consider myself fairly open minded, but I just can’t get with the idea of a poop cafe. I’m not a fussy eater, but I do get easily put off my food and I don’t like even seeing the signs for toilets in a restaurant when I’m eating – if the servers go to put me at a table near them I will always decline. So the thought of this being the actual theme, nope, can’t get with that. I am rather fascinated though on how it works out – I’d like to see the reviews after it’s been open a while (no pun intended).

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Elyse
      July 22, 2017 at 0:00

      Oh, as a frequent visitor, don’t get me started on restaurant bathrooms — suffice it to say that inadequate ones mean I’ll never go back!

      As to the poop cafe, I’m guessing people will go there for a laugh once. So I don’t see it getting into the history books!

      Lastly, you should do a post! It’s hard to go back when you’ve stopped, but everyone has been so nice and welcoming. I’m expecting fatted calf any minute!

      Like

      Reply
  19. petspeopleandlife
    July 21, 2017 at 0:00

    Elyse you popped the top off poop with this post. I laughed and snickered my way through but Lord have mercy, The Poop Café simple got to me. But to back up the poop story, good grief that man was full of shit to put it lightly. It’s a wonder he was still alive by the time he went for the excavation.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Elyse
      July 22, 2017 at 0:00

      I know — that poor guy. But the thing is what’s normal for you, may not be normal. My mother used to ask me why I didn’t tell her there was something wrong with my bms– the truth was, they were always weird and that was normal. Sorry, TMI!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • petspeopleandlife
        July 22, 2017 at 0:00

        No not at all. If anyone has not been informed/educated/or read about what should go in out bodies and out of our bodies then a person simply does not know. I think it would be about par if a person grows up having something odd but does not know any thing different.

        I feel for you. I think I remember a post about you having Crohn’s disease. That is not a good thing to have. Do you refrain from eating certain foods? I think you wrote about the extreme expense of the meds but that you are in “sort” of remission. I hope I have that all correct but possibly I don’t.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  20. 1jaded1
    July 21, 2017 at 0:00

    Welcome back, Elyse! Good to see you in my inbox. Holy crap…bad pun intended. Way to lose 28 pounds in short order. You won’t see that on the cover of a popular magazine. The ice cream looks like a Frosty…which my sis and I used to joke that it looked like poop.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Elyse
      July 21, 2017 at 0:00

      Thanks, Jaded. I could stand to lose 28 pounds quickly, but I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna find that much poop in me. Brains perhaps, but not poop!

      And yes, the soft serve scoot …

      Like

      Reply
  21. Tippy Gnu
    July 21, 2017 at 0:00

    I’m glad you’re back. I feared you might have crapped out. Which is a new thing, I guess. Instead of dining out you can now crap out, at the Poop Cafe.

    When I was a kid we had a restaurant in town, at local boat harbor, called “The Poop Deck”. I was always afraid to set foot inside that restaurant.

    Anyway, welcome back, Elyse!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  22. Nancy
    July 21, 2017 at 0:00

    Ummm, I clicked “Like” but I meant “Yuck.”

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  23. silkpurseproductions
    July 21, 2017 at 0:00

    I can’t get past that doctor holding that packaged poop. I can’t look away. Dang!!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

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