So you thought I was a more or less law abiding citizen, except for when I bribe French government officials. In fact, reality is far worse.
Because on Election Day, November 8, 2016, I will be in an undisclosed polling booth, watching. And I’ve even been trained for this nefarious activity. In fact, I’m one of the folks Donald Trump is so concerned will “rig” the election.
It’s true. A coordinated effort has been made by the Democratic Party. You see, on Saturday, I went to a class where my fellow instigators and I learned what to do. And “fixing” an election is as easy as taking candy from a baby.
What did we learn?
Well, you may have to cover your ears/eyes/heart. Because it is evil unbridled.
- Study the Virginia voting regulations. They include information on acceptable forms of ID, what to do if a voter’s name on ID doesn’t match the one on the roll (if a woman got married, for instance, or if there is a slight misspelling), or the voter has moved, etc. The regs say what is legal and what is not.
- Arrive at undisclosed polling precinct obscenely early (5-f’ing:15).
- Bring baked goods.
- Observe the non-partisans set up the voting machines.
- Check that all voting machines register “0” prior to the doors opening to voters at 6.
- Share baked goods.
- Watch as they open the doors promptly at 6.
- Monitor that voters are not hindered from voting.
- Assist the election official (the “Chief”) in instances where the voter has a problem — incorrect ID, came to the wrong precinct, not registered, name or address doesn’t match the voter list. We learned how to ensure that the Chief follows the regulations. As legal folks, we understand how to read the regs.
- When appropriate, let the Chief and/or voter know what alternate IDs are valid.
- If necessary and there is no legitimate way for the voter to cast a regular vote, have him/her cast a provisional ballot.
- Make sure nobody who has cast an absentee ballot votes again.
- Monitor the length of the line, let Dem HQ know if there are problems.
- Ensure the voting machines are working. Let Dem HQ know if there are problems.
- Enjoy baked goods, lunch, coffee and bathroom breaks when possible.
Nefarious, no? Downright wicked. The evil continues all day until the polls close at 7 p.m. Then comes the fun stuff.
- Make sure that anyone in line at closing time is allowed to vote. That’s the rule.
- Ensure that the officials close and lock the door once everybody in line has voted.
- Verify that the number of voters who checked in = the number of votes cast (adjust for provisional ballots cast, naturally).
- Ensure that the Chief contacts the Secretary of State and reports the correct number of ballots cast for each candidate and the tally for any ballot initiatives voted on. Presidential. Congressional, local, ballot initiatives.
- Collect personal items.
- Go home.
Try to stay awake long enough to learn who won the election.
My badge from last time with my friend, Rigger.
I should tell you that when I did this in 2012, there was one incident. I’m sure you’ll agree it was obviously voter fraud.
An 86 year old woman came in to vote, but had already voted absentee. She forgot she’d voted already. She had trouble walking and had been dropped off at the voting station by her daughter. “Oh, I guess you’re right,” she said when told she had voted already. “I forget things sometimes.” I called her daughter for her on my cell phone, and the woman and I chatted as she waited, eating baked goods.
There are poll observers from both parties at many polling stations across the country. It is one of the ways that our system ensures the integrity of the vote. As a man I respect and admire said earlier today:
Speaking at a Rose Garden news conference with Matteo Renzi, the Italian prime minister, Mr. Obama also called it “unprecedented” for any presidential candidate to “discredit the elections” before any votes were even cast, as Mr. Trump has done repeatedly in recent days.
“One of the great things about America’s democracy is we have a vigorous, sometimes bitter political contest, and when it’s done, historically, regardless of party, the person who loses the election congratulates the winner, reaffirms our democracy and we move forward,” Mr. Obama said.
Speaking of the tradition of a peaceful transfer of power after presidential elections, Mr. Obama said, “That’s how democracy survives.”
“I have never seen in my lifetime or in modern political history, any presidential candidate trying to discredit the elections and the election process before votes have even taken place,” Mr. Obama said. “It’s unprecedented. It happens to be based on no facts.”
Vote on November 8
Make sure you know where to vote and have appropriate ID in states where ID is required.