Siri-ously Monday

It was apparent pretty much from the start that today was Monday.

I got up late and everything that followed was just slightly off.

Traffic was awful.  I mean, this is DC – traffic is always awful.  But today I found myself stopped in places where I usually go.   I watched the clock tick past 9:00.  Past 9:15.

Luckily for me, though, it wasn’t that big of a deal.  When I arrive late, I stay late.  It all works out.  But still, I’d rather get there and not just hang out, stopped in traffic.

I thought I should call the office and let them know I was on my way.  Naturally, I had an ulterior motive.

Because I planned to call Yenny.

Yenny is my friend and colleague at the office.  But she has magical powers.  Because when I’m stuck in traffic and I call Yenny, traffic begins to move. It was important that I talk to Yenny or I knew I’d never make it to work.

I was at a dead stop.  My cell phone was in my pants pocket, but I put my earpiece in place and clicked that bluetooth on.  Siri, the magical creature in my iPhone sang a note to let me know that she was listening.  That she was ready to help.

In the months that I’ve had my iPhone 5C, I’ve come to rely on Siri for just these situations.  She’s great.  The Siri who lived in my iPhone 4?  An absolute idiot.  We were not friends.  We had words.   Those words rarely had more than four letters.  Siri4S would respond “what did I do to deserve that?”  Trust me.  She deserved it.

But Siri 5C?  She is a star.  She doesn’t let me down.  She helps me.  I love Siri5C.

“Call Yenny,” I instructed her politely.  I never swear at Siri5C.  In fact, she often comments on how polite I am with a casual “don’t mention it,” when I thank her.

Now this morning when I asked her to call Yenny, I realize that I didn’t say “please.”  That is because last week when I was in precisely this situation, and I said “Please call Yenny.”

“Should I call the Police?” Siri asked.  I didn’t think much of it at the time.  She may have been having a rough start to her day.  Still, I decided not to say “please” to Siri.  I always say “thank you,” though.

What did Siri say to today’s request  to “Call Yenny?”

“I don’t see that,” she said.  “Did you mean ‘conference call number’?  Or would you like to call Gastroenterology Fellow on call.”  She only heard the “call” and went from there.  This wasn’t an auspicious beginning.

“No,”  I said.  Clearly, Siri was having a rough start to the day, too.  I clicked my Bluetooth off, and clicked it on again immediately.

“Call Yenny … ” I gave Siri Yenny’s last name.  On a bad day, Siri will cooperate the second time I ask her to do something.  Much like my son.

“Do you want local businesses beginning with “call”

“No, Siri.” I said. I hung up.

Then I had an idea.  I figured I’d have Siri call my number at the office – and presto — I’d be connected!  So I clicked on again and said “Call Me-“

But I immediately remembered that “Me-Office” goes to my direct line, not the main company line.  So I’d be able to leave myself a message that I’d be late — which I already knew.  Because, well, you know.

So I interrupted myself.  Figured I’d stop before I said something stupid to Siri.  But it was too late.

Because what Siri heard was “Siri, call me … never mind.”

”OK,” Siri responded.  “From now on, I’ll call you ‘Never Mind.”

Sadly, this may be an improvement.   Before he went back to college, Jacob instructed Siri to call me “Queen,”  I couldn’t figure out how to change it.

Now I have.

Is it Friday yet?


Filed under Adult Traumas, Conspicuous consumption, Driving, Huh?, Humor, Mental Health, Stupidity, Technology, Wild Beasts

62 responses to “Siri-ously Monday

  1. No Siri for me, I still have my Blackberry. Never Mind over Queen? I would switch back to Queen, immediately.

    You made me laugh, well chuckle and giggle. Sorry for your bad Monday hope the rest of the week is improving.


  2. cooper

    Siri is wonderful but does get confused – and once down the confusion road, she has no sense of the time space continuum. I have experience the same dementia…


  3. I just spit my OJ all over the keyboard at the end of that. Thanks a lot, Elyse!

    PS My blackberry does not talk to me.


  4. Folk were stuck in traffic, in the snow, and running out gas here today. They could use a Yenny.


  5. Do phones REALLY call you by whatever name you specify in the magical world of “i”? Wouldn’t it be funny to say “Call me a cab”


    • When he first got his iPhone, Jacob was explaining that he could get Siri to call him anything.

      So, idiot that I am, said “What if you ask her to call you something outrageous?”

      “Siri,” said Jacob, “call me ‘Pimp Daddy.'”

      “OK,” said Siri. “From now on, I’ll call you Pimp Daddy.”

      I wish I had thought of your line, Peg.


  6. So shall we all call you Nevermind from now on? I’m glad I don’t have all this technology to deal with! I’m smirking!


  7. I’m just getting used to the handsfree in my Jeep – it has yet to get a name correct – Siri usually gets me. I never knew how to change her moniker for me – hmmm.


  8. Well you made it to Tuesday.


  9. I love the name Never Mind! I have yet to use Siri seriously. I hope today is much easier.


  10. Snoring Dog Studio

    Funny, Elyse! Well, arguing with Siri took your mind off the traffic for a little while, I guess. Too bad she can’t scream at the other drivers to get the hell out of the way.


  11. I have a dumb phone, but I do know the joys of tryiing to communicate with a computer whenever I call any utility service and get the point where I’m screaming “I need to speak to a human” only to hear “I’m sorry. Would you like to hear our options?”


    • I agree, S7. I really think all this automation is (1) making us stupid and (2) shortening our lives from the anger and frustration of dealing with automation. And then the robots will take over the world. It won’t be pretty.


  12. Sounds like Siri made things worse this time around. I literally just heard my 4-year-old having a conversation with Siri about 10 minutes ago:)


    • Welcome and thanks for commenting, What (that is not all that different from Never Mind, actually).

      It amazes me how tech-savvy kids are these days. And perhaps that means you can have only one kid these days without feeling guilty for them not having anyone to talk to!


  13. Great post, Nevermind! Love it!


  14. No, it’s not Friday yet, but we can stay home. Ice and snow closures everywhere here today! Second time since last Friday.


    • Brrrr, Georgette. Stay home and warm. What weird weather.

      Last week when we had a bloomin’ blizzard, I had to go into the office… I was not amused!


      • Sister posted a photo of the snow she shoveled out of the driveway last week BEFORE work. Yes, I’m a morning person but, Nope. So did going to work in a blizzard include shoveling before the work event?


        • No. The world was closed in advance. So I got to the office just as it started. I drove home in the middle of it. But I’m aNew Englander so I know how and nobody else was dumb enough to be out!


  15. Queen Never Mind …. If Siri was Siro, thus a male, he would have listened and obliged. …. and that a way Jacob!


  16. That was hilarious. I never had an iPhone *gasp* but figured Siri can’t really be that good. That said, my hubby has a Nexus and it’s damn good at voice recognition…
    So, will you remain ‘Never Mind’? Imagine the possibilities!


    • Welcome, Pixie! Thanks for commenting. I was intrigued by your blog when I checked it out. Fun stuff. So thanks for coming on over here.

      I think “Never Mind” is more inclusive than “Queen,” but I haven’t quite decided. I may just wait to see what happens this morning when I get stuck in traffic again and need to call Yenny.


      • No problem, I followed to yours and found it great, too, so will keep coming back (in the hope of finding out your next Siri-name,mainly. Or for other things too, fine.)


  17. Hahahahaha ….oh, Siri can be quite the comedian with her monotone voice. Something tells me you were the talk of the Siri lunchroom yesterday….”and then I changed her name to Never Mind … hahaha”


    • All the best comedians can do a great deadpan.

      But Tops, that is such a funny image. And I’m pretty sure it’s true. Siri 5C was wonderful until she was corrupted at the lunch table by Siri 4S. (Steve Jobs would never have let the two of them sit together. OH, never mind …


  18. Do you still have that Iphone 4 Siri? I wonder what happen if you get the two of them to talk to each other. 🙂


  19. I have yet to deal with Siri personally but when I do I will let her know I know “Never Mind”.


  20. Um… this is why I don’t like to have a phone that is smarter than me… which is most of them now… and maybe even those ones you had to turn the big plastic wheel on the front with the holes in them.


  21. Hilarious! I have a cheap Bluetooth device that clips on my sun visor. She had a phoney British accent and a bad attitude. “Call Jill” is regularly distorted to “Did you say call Velvet?” (Huh?) and I have to pronounce “Joan” as “Jo-Anne” or the machine insists on dialling John!


    • Ooops! With my old one, which did that, I found myself saying (stupidly) “Oh, I didn’t want to talk to you. Not the best way to keep friends (or husbands!) Everybody in my family practically has a name that starts with “J”


  22. On the bright side, you can spend the time waiting for Friday chastising Siri for her insolence!


    • I’m determined to stay on the good side of Siri 5C. Until I throw her into the river, that is.

      Siri 4S? Bitch. I once told her to fuck off and she responded “what did I do to deserve that?” I wanted to hit her but had to wait to reinstate my cell phone insurance …


      • To be fair, I often get very angry at google when my phone gets batty.
        To my credit, I have yet to bring that up when I call their support desk for something work related. (Though when I do call them, it usually ends up with me smacking my desk phone against my desk.)


        • The ‘support’ desk? the ‘send-you-into-cardiac-arrest’ desk. They are more frustrating than the problem I call them about, more often than not. And if it involves money? Fegeddabout it.


  23. Haha! Sounds like a rough Monday. Hope it’s all uphill from here 🙂


  24. Hey, Never Mind, your post made me laugh out loud.

    I still have the iPhone 4 so no Siri yet for me. I really need to update my phone because it does everything but work as a phone (I can only hear the caller if I have it on speaker). But after reading your post, I’m not sure if I should. Things could get tense between Siri and me…


    • I have a Bose blue tooth, which works great. I often take business calls on my cell phone because I can hear better on my Blue tooth than on my speaker phone, and it leaves my hands free!

      The new Siri is normally great. I am not yet ready to give up on her. But she doesn’t seem to be a morning person.

      And the thing is, when I use my iPhone to send messages, it BCC’s me. And at the top? “Never Mind.” Oy!


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