Daily Archives: January 20, 2013

How to Lose Your Friends and Your Job

It was not my fault.  Really.  I would admit it if I were responsible.  But I was asleep.  Snoozin’ in my bed.  After all, it was 2 a.m.

The other night I sent an email out to everybody I know.  Friends I correspond with a lot.  Friends I haven’t corresponded with much lately and probably should have.  Friends I really have lost touch with.

And then there were my clients.  Yup.  They were there too.  Clients I deal with routinely, and those we do business with periodically.  Some who haven’t needed help from my company in 7 or 8 years.  Some who probably can’t quite recall who I am, and others who have changed jobs 3 or 4 times since the last time we chatted.  My business is like that.

And last, there were my business contacts.  Folks I might need to look up should I, say lose my job.

You know, if I were to devise a way to get back in touch with everyone I have ever known, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t do it by sending them a link to a miracle diet aid.

As a fake medical professional, well, I don’t recommend diet aids.  Nope. “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”  That’s my firm belief when I see recommendations for miracle pills that will let you lose weight while still stuffing your craw with McD’s.

[As a fake medical professional, though, I just love the idea of liposuction.  Although I will never forgive the industry for not using the motto I developed when liposuction was brand new:


Why diet when you can vacuum!

Still, I’m pretty sure I’ll never have liposuction, either.]

So the other day I woke up to an email by my nephew, sometimes commenter and friend Clinton.  He was a little perplexed as to why I sent him a link to a diet website.  Clinton is pretty trim, actually.  If I were going to send diet recommendations to anyone, Clinton would not be tops on the list.

And then I noticed that there were lots of failure notices in my Yahoo account inbox.  Lots of the emails that I had not even sent did not go through.

But a whole bunch of them did.  Shit.

And in these emails, I apparently told my friends to visit a diet pill website.  So that they would no longer be so damn fat.

I apparently told my clients and business contacts to visit a diet pill website.  So that they would no longer be so damn fat.

I apparently told my boss to visit a diet pill website.  So that she would no longer be so damn fat.

Do you think I can get into the Witness Protection Program?


Filed under Criminal Activity, Health and Medicine, Humor, Stupidity