Tag Archives: Humor

March 9, 2012 · 0:00

Cooper

A couple of years ago, I was corresponding with a high school classmate of mine about a reunion.  Hugh had left the east and was living in New Mexico.

“What I really miss is the green,” he said to me in an email.  “I’m thirsty for it.”

Well, it was spring, and that evening I was walking my dog Cooper by the river.  It was hazy, but very green and bluebells were blossoming.  Thinking of my friend Hugh, I snapped a cell-phone picture and sent it off to him.

 

Bluebells with a BonusIt was actually a nice picture, somewhere between a color and a black and white, because the light was diffused.  I liked the picture, and made it my computer’s background photo.  About two weeks later, while talking with a client, I realized that there was a bonus to this picture.  There on the right, was Cooper.   Pooping.

Today is Cooper’s 14th birthday.   We didn’t think he would make it this long, as he has been in poor health for the last couple of years.  He’s always made me laugh, usually at myself.

Happy Birthday, Coops!  And many more.

 

44 Comments

Filed under Childhood Traumas, Conspicuous consumption, Family, Humor, Stupidity, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , ,

March 6, 2012 · 0:00

Lock-step Ain’t the Two-Step

Poor Lisa.  Lisa Murkowski.  Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK).  She’s upset.  She’s angry.  She’s really sorry.  Poor, Poor Lisa.  It’s not her fault.  Someone else made her do it.  If it happened to you, wouldn’t it make YOU mad?

Poor, Poor Lisa Murkowski (R-AK)

You see, Poor Lisa voted for the Blunt Amendment last Thursday, and now she’s upset.  You remember the Blunt Amendment, don’t you?  It’s the one that would allow any employer to refuse to include healthcare coverage for any condition he or she objects to on moral or religious grounds.

Poor Lisa needs some sympathy.  Here, Lisa, will this help?

Poor Lisa wasn’t upset when she voted for the Blunt Amendment, though.  It wasn’t until afterwards, when she met up with some of the voters (who had written her name in and elected her after her staff misspelled her name on the ballot).  The voters weren’t very happy with her.  In fact, they were a wee bit miffed.  Poor Lisa, now she is very sorry indeed.

Here’s what Poor Lisa told the Anchorage Daily News:

“I have never had a vote I’ve taken where I have felt that I let down more people that believed in me,” she said.

Got a hanky?

Poor Lisa.  She kept making excuses and told the nice newspaper folks all these important things.  Things voters need to remember next time she is up for election:

She’s a moderate. [I can tell!]  She supports abortion rights and contraception coverage [Of course she does – didn’t she prove that with her vote FOR the Blunt Amendment?].  She also doesn’t line up completely with the Catholic Church when it comes to birth control.

I’m so very glad that what she said when it was no longer important cleared up that confusing vote of hers!  Aren’t you?

Because, you see, she’d meant to make a statement about religious freedom.  But those silly voters read it as a vote against contraception coverage for women!  Against women’s health!  Against family planning!  Oops!

Imagine that!  Imagine a world where someone with a vagina and a vote might just think that this vote against women’s health was a really a vote against women’s rights??????  I tell ya, some voters just want everything.

You see, Poor Lisa just did exactly what the Republican Leadership told her to do, just as she has in every vote she’s cast since she got to the Senate.  Republicans are really good at lock-step, every time there’s a vote.  Republicans vote in lock-step even when it goes against their own beliefs — and that’s just what Poor Lisa did.  

And that’s a huge part of the reason why nothing works in Congress.  Republican intransigence.

It’s time.  Time for this issue to become a rallying cry for thinking people – a make or break issue.  And it’s not just a women’s issue, either.

And you know, the President isn’t going to be the only one on the ballot.  And he isn’t the only one who might impact your life.

*****

Photo from TalkingPointsMemo.com (photo credit given on the photo but my eyes can’t read it)

39 Comments

Filed under Elections, Humor, Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Uncategorized, Voting

Tagged as ,

February 28, 2012 · 0:00

Making a Difference

All my life, I’ve wanted to make a difference in the world.  I have sought ways to do it.  At last, in today’s mail, I found just how to do it my way.

I guess it’s not really a new idea.  Folks have been improving the world by spreading the wealth for centuries.  That, I’m sure, was behind George Bush’s terrorism-busting shopping suggestion.  The idea is, of course, to spread the wealth and spend money.  So I’m gonna.  I’m gonna spend lots.

Curious?

Well today I got the most fabulous catalog in the mail.  And it changed my life.

Now, I get loads of catalogs.  Truth be told, I buy a lot of stuff out of them.  Clothes, gifts, stuff no one likes or wants.  You know, just like everyone.

But this catalog was different, and not just because it was laminated.  This one told me that I could make a difference and have a blast at the same time.  All the time, not having to mix with the little people.

What was this catalog, you ask.  Was it the Harriet Carter catalog, filled with stuff you can normally only buy on late-night cable TV (like this Skin Tag Remover) along with a generous assortment of vibrators?

Harriet Carter.com

Nope.  Better.

Was it the Heiffer, International catalog?  Could I order some goats and chickens and ducks (alas no coots) for folks so that they can raise livestock and have a better life?

Heiffer International, a wonderful organization, for real

Nope. Way Better.

Was it a Williams Sonoma catalog full of pricey pots and pans in which I can make gourmet treats for the homeless?

Catalog Cover

Nope.  It was beyond my wildest dreams.

It was the TCS and Starquest Expeditions Catalog, The World Leader in Private Jet Travel.  And they invited me along on a Cultures and Cuisines tour!  Can you believe it?  Me!  Here’s the trip:

 

Cuisines and Cultures Itinerary

 

Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it.  But when I went to the website I found that there are other possibilities.  Endless possibilities.  I can, according to the website, Enjoy the Ultimate In Service, Learn While You Explore, AND Follow Your Passion.

Wow.  What’s not to like?

Now, the cuisine and culture tour looks really good.  But the Around the World tour looks, even better.  I can go here:

Angkor Wat, Cambodia

And Here

Moais, Easter Island, Chile

And here

Luxor Egypt

In fact, I can go to all these places!

Around the World Itinerary

Best of all, there will be no shoe removal at the airport because I’ll get to do it on this:

My Wings

 

But best of all, I will be able to save the world while I do it.  I’m pretty sure that George W and Laura Bush will be along for this one because lookee here at just how the website tells me we’re going to save the world:

Make a Difference in the World
By joining this expedition, you support efforts to enhance the conditions of peoples and places we visit. At each destination on the itinerary, TCS & Starquest Expeditions purchases traditional handicrafts made by local artisans, provides supplies for medical centers or schools, or donates funds for essential programs.  (Impressive, no?)

Or

Make a Difference in the World
By joining an Around the World expedition, you will automatically support efforts to enhance the conditions of the places and peoples we visit—there is no further commitment necessary on your part. Our expedition will provide supplies to medical clinics and schools, as well as contribute funds for essential projects that many people depend on. (Nope, I don’t want to have to do extra to save the world.  Trust me, paying for this trip will suffice.)

Which way I save the world is dependent entirely on which tour I choose.  Decisions, decisions.

Damn, it’s wonderful being in the top 1% of the top 1%.  With TCS and Starquest Expeditions you can see the world guilt free.  All this for about $60,000.  Each.  And there is no need to mingle.

******

Travel photos all courtesy of TCS and Starquest Expeditions Catalog.  Saving the world lingo is theirs too.

 

65 Comments

Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Humor, Hypocrisy

Tagged as , ,

February 23, 2012 · 0:00

A Slippery Slope

When I was a kid, I was just like the Coppertone Girl.

 

Only red.  Very red.  My Irish heritage produced day-glow skin that never  tans.  As a kid, it turned fire-engine red in record time.  Regardless, I stayed out all day at the beach, in my bathing suit.  Burning.

Like the Coppertone girl, there was one part of my body that did not burn, and I’ve always been glad.  Well, until I read this article:

Heated seats burn bums of 2 women

I am sad to say, that I, too, suffer from Butt Burn.

I came about it innocently enough.  When we returned from living in Switzerland, we bought a car that had heated seats.  I was delighted, since I am always cold.  I pushed the button, and happiness reigned.  For ten years, I’ve had a toasty tush.  I would never think of buying a car without this luxury feature.  A seat warmer and satellite radio is all I really require in a car.  An engine is helpful, but not essential.

My path to Butt Burn, though, was down a slippery slope.

Two years ago, I started having a sore butt, so I applied Vaseline.  Often out of those tiny tubes of Vaseline Lip Therapy that led me towards the pathway to lip balm addiction.  I prefer the cherry flavored, although it hardly mattered down there.

When Vaseline fell short of my needs, I tried lidocaine ointment to soothe.  Lastly, I tried what every mother knows works to soothe sore bums – Butt Paste.

With Only Natural Ingredients

These products have not helped.  In fact, they made it worse.  Now, I’m not a chemist, but I think I need to Google the temperature at which Butt Paste burns.  Because I’m pretty sure I got very close over the weekend.  My seat was smokin’.

I shudder to think:  what if I had spontaneously combusted?

The whole issue gives new meaning to some of my favorite phrases:

“Liar, liar, pants on fire”

“Hot Pants”

“Cool Your Jets”

*****

No butts were actually burned in the creation of this post.  So butt-burn sympathy is not necessary.  Flowers are always welcome, however.

73 Comments

Filed under Childhood Traumas, Climate Change, Global Warming, Humor, Stupidity

Tagged as ,

February 21, 2012 · 0:00

My biggest fear

It’s happened in the wake of the tragic death of singer Whitney Houston.  Or maybe it happened in the wake of CNN’s 4-day, 24-hour per day marathon coverage of her funeral which included an estimated 5,392,911 renditions of Whitney singing “I Will Always Love You.”  Whichever it was, I was delighted to see that our society has truly stepped up to the plate.  We are, thanks to Whitney, tackling the demons in our midst.

Starting with the one that has been keeping me up nights for years:

Can you really be addicted to lip balm?

Lip balm, no matter what they say about you, I will always love you.

58 Comments

Filed under Family, Humor, Hypocrisy, Music, Science, Stupidity

Tagged as