A Slippery Slope

When I was a kid, I was just like the Coppertone Girl.

 

Only red.  Very red.  My Irish heritage produced day-glow skin that never  tans.  As a kid, it turned fire-engine red in record time.  Regardless, I stayed out all day at the beach, in my bathing suit.  Burning.

Like the Coppertone girl, there was one part of my body that did not burn, and I’ve always been glad.  Well, until I read this article:

Heated seats burn bums of 2 women

I am sad to say, that I, too, suffer from Butt Burn.

I came about it innocently enough.  When we returned from living in Switzerland, we bought a car that had heated seats.  I was delighted, since I am always cold.  I pushed the button, and happiness reigned.  For ten years, I’ve had a toasty tush.  I would never think of buying a car without this luxury feature.  A seat warmer and satellite radio is all I really require in a car.  An engine is helpful, but not essential.

My path to Butt Burn, though, was down a slippery slope.

Two years ago, I started having a sore butt, so I applied Vaseline.  Often out of those tiny tubes of Vaseline Lip Therapy that led me towards the pathway to lip balm addiction.  I prefer the cherry flavored, although it hardly mattered down there.

When Vaseline fell short of my needs, I tried lidocaine ointment to soothe.  Lastly, I tried what every mother knows works to soothe sore bums – Butt Paste.

With Only Natural Ingredients

These products have not helped.  In fact, they made it worse.  Now, I’m not a chemist, but I think I need to Google the temperature at which Butt Paste burns.  Because I’m pretty sure I got very close over the weekend.  My seat was smokin’.

I shudder to think:  what if I had spontaneously combusted?

The whole issue gives new meaning to some of my favorite phrases:

“Liar, liar, pants on fire”

“Hot Pants”

“Cool Your Jets”

*****

No butts were actually burned in the creation of this post.  So butt-burn sympathy is not necessary.  Flowers are always welcome, however.

73 Comments

Filed under Childhood Traumas, Climate Change, Global Warming, Humor, Stupidity

73 responses to “A Slippery Slope

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  3. Flowers? Okay. How about some BUTT-er Cups?

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  4. Any time, PW, any time!

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  5. Thanks! Needed a good laugh.

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  6. I’ll never hear those phrases again without thinking of your post. I’d say it was really funny, but considering the topic, don’t wish to appear insensitive ( but the chuckles!)

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  7. Thanks again, Chris, for the nice compliment and the award! And really, Butt Burn shouldn’t stop ANYONE!

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  8. Hi Elyse! 🙂 You have a real talent here on this blog. You can go from the profound to the delightfully ridiculous, and not even Butt Burn will stop you! (been there, so I can sympathize)
    Just saw your reply, but still wanted to make this official: It is my pleasure to share with you The 7 x 7 Link Award. There is no need for you to do anything with it, other than to just enjoy it and take it as a compliment. Have a great day! 🙂
    http://walkoffwin55.wordpress.com/2012/02/26/when-awards-attack-the-final-conflict/

    Like

  9. Butt paste? Really? I was brushing my teeth with it. But I’m that kind of ugly.

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  10. I’m with you on the childhood burns. I was always that kid with a t-shirt over her suit and a hat on, still getting fried and red.

    I’m so glad no bums were actually crispified in the making of this post.

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    • You must be younger than me. Nobody ever worried about it. We were told to keep a shirt on, but never bothered. And I am pretty sure that sunblock, except that white stuff the cute lifeguards used on their noses, was the only thing anyone ever applied to block the sun!

      As for Butt Burn, I plan to go for the Cheetos-like crackel-y crunch next chilly morning!

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      • I AM younger than you. A lot younger. So much younger that I can barely understand most of what you say on this blog because the ancient language you speak has almost passed out of common usage.

        I am 52-1/2.

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  11. Not that I’m trying to making you the butt of any jokes or anything, but you DO realize that for TWO days in a row now you’ve mentioned something about lip balm addiction? I’m thinking you might need professional help. Just sayin’

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    • Oh, go ahead. You can make me the butt. I often do, as I am my own best target. And I probably do need professional help.

      I couldn’t find a way to answer your “Will Robinson” comment above, 99 (I remember HER, too, now that you mention it!) but I not only remember Will Robinson, but had a crush on him. So I am old. Old enough to have had a crush on Timmie from Lassie. And as I was thinking about this and pouring myself a cuppa, I realized that I had married them — my husband looks just like both of them (he’s as cute as Timmie, cuter than Will). It is good to stick to your TV roots.

      Like

  12. Heated seats are also very useful. When I pick up a pizza, I turn on the passenger seat heater, and keep the pizza toasty warm till I get home.

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  13. LOL … very good, but I’m scarred for the rest of the weekend.

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  14. Hehe I am thinking about my parents who just got a car with headed seats. D’oh!

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  15. I love heated seats! I am only dismayed that I am unable to remotely turn them on when I remotely turn on the car itself. My husband laughs at me, he doesn’t understand why I need this luxury when it is only cold in Dallas about 10 weeks out of the year, I explain it is those 10 miserable weeks that I am grateful for my heated seats.

    I am blessed, I never burned as a child. I have enough melanin that the sun just turned me a nice toasty brown. In fact I have only ever had to terrible burns in my entire life, both at Willie Nelson 4th of July picnics. It isn’t to say I don’t get burned it is just to say they turn to tans, my grandmothers remedy was a tad bit smellier (white vinegar to take out the burn). Gad our house use to stink that first day.

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    • I think we need to treat heated seats like wine – moderation! The tea remedy really works and doesn’t stink — try it; I still use it.

      And you got to go to Willie’s picnics? I am SOOOOO jealous!

      Like

  16. Hey…it’s bum week here, isn’t it? I have to keep a towel in the car, just in case of butt burn. Fortunately, I can “turn the other cheek” and sit on the other side.

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  17. Love your blog! I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! Congratulations! Check it out here: http://onemindmanydetours.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/versatile-awards-2-and-3/

    -Cindy

    Like

  18. Great, now I have to worry about my seat warmers? Can’t I just apply chapstick to my butt and be worry-free?

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  20. I’d make you some chicken soup, but I’m afraid you might sit in it and burn yourself.

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  21. I am so with you on the seat warmer and satellite radio. Lovely. Even in the garage 🙂

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  22. Michelle Gillies

    Thanks for the great laugh. I love your sense of humour. 😉

    Like

  23. I’ve never had a car with seat warms, but on those cold winter mornings when I leave for work in the dark, I’d sure like some toasty buns.

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  24. Hi,
    Heated car seats I never knew such a thing even existed. 🙂
    Butt paste well I have heard it all now, and I certainly hope your butt gets cooler soon. 😀

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  25. What? this isn’t true?! (stomping off throwing huge bouquet of red roses into trashcan)

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    • Darla, come back. I said I WANT the flowers. Even if it will be hard to explain a bouquet of red roses to my husband. “Really, Sweetpea, they’re from a bloggin’ buddy who was worried about my butt …”

      Like

  26. Someone must have suffered the butt burn. Otherwise why would anyone invent Butt Paste?

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    • bigsheepcommunications

      I’m pretty sure the Butt Paste is for diaper rash, but since I’m fortunate to suffer from neither diaper rash nor butt burn, I can’t say for sure.

      Like

      • Butt Paste is for diaper rash — a friend of mine just had a baby and I was enjoying the names of some of the products in the baby department at Target. In a separate department I saw something called “Anti-Monkey Butt” which apparently is for bicyclists.

        Like

  27. Ouch! Oh the things we do to our tender parts…

    Very funny only in retrospect! 🙂

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  28. OK, true story;
    the first time I got in a car with heated seats, the driver didn’t tell me about them. I spent the entire trip wondering how I had managed to wet my pants without feeling it……
    Glad you and your butt are both OK!

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  29. ROFL! I was the kid at the pool with a long-sleeved t-shirt and big floppy hat for my entire childhood, so I feel your pain. But I’ve never been the proud owner of a butt warmer in my car. Looks like I need to investigate.

    Best butt story of the day … by far.

    Like

    • It never occurred to anyone to cover up — we just used my mother’s “witches’ brew” to take out the sting — tea. Regular, plain old black tea, at room temperature. It takes the sting out AND keeps you from peeling AND stains your skin beige. That’s the closest to a tan I’ll ever have.

      Butt warmers are wonderful in the winter … :). Apparently too much of a good thing can be problematic, though.

      Like

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  31. I must say, I never imagined I’d learn so much about one’s butt. So, thanks for sharing?

    Like

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