Monthly Archives: February 2012

February 15, 2012 · 0:00

Because Mine Don’t

Tomorrow at my office, I and other members of the “Senior Staff” must present some cost cutting measures for consideration by the President and CEO.  I’ve been worrying about this for more than a month.  Me, I’m more into spending than cost cutting, and I just didn’t have any really good ideas for how a small business like ours could, well, save money.

But then, to quote John Lennon, “I read the news today, oh boy.”  And I know just exactly how we will be saving loads of money.  Can you guess how?

We can save sh*tloads of cash on health insurance in the not too distant future.  How?

Yup, you guessed it!  I’m counting on the Republicans in Congress continuing to be so completely, bafflingly, inexplicably bizarre.   I’m betting that the Amendment proposed by Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) to the Affordable Healthcare Act will become law.  You read about it, didn’t you?  It would allow any employer to “opt out” of offering insurance coverage to their employees if they object to coverage for religious or moral grounds.

When it becomes law, PRESTO!  My company will save a fortune.  I am a magician!  I will save the company.  I will be promoted!  I will make big buckaroooooooooooossssss!  I will be rewarded!  At least I’ll keep my job.

Cue the evil laugh.  Mooaahhhhhhhaaaahaaaaaaa.

Now there aren’t many of us at my little company.  In fact I think we may all actually be “Senior Staff,” so I will need to present this carefully.  Or mumble.

And, well, there aren’t too many health issues to speak of among our 22 employees.  The usual flu, cold, allergies.  Nothing particularly juicy.  Nothing even remotely immoral.  Nothing even borderline.  Besides, what could we possibly object to on both moral and religious grounds that hasn’t already been taken care of by those busy beavers at the Virginia State Legislature?

Clearly, I had to dig deeper.  I had to look to find what everyone has in common.  And I figured it out!

We will deny health insurance coverage to anyone who poops.

We will do it on moral AND religious grounds. 

Yup, poop.  Nobody likes poop – that’s why we flush it away, why we bury it, why we hide behind doors to do it.  I’ll save us a fortune in premiums.

As the self-proclaimed new insurance representative of my company, I hereby proclaim:

We oppose poop on moral grounds.

We oppose poop on religious grounds.

(Opposing poop on religious grounds would be easier if only I could remember which religion has the caste system – you know, where only the lowest caste deals with poop.  Whatever religion that may be.  I’m sure it’s mentioned in the Constitution.  (It’s probably somewhere in the 2nd Amendment.)

Soon, my company won’t have to cover anybody; we’ll save a bloomin’ fortune.

But somehow, I will have to figure out how I can get insurance that covers me, because, you see, I have some healthcare issues, and I want to keep MY coverage.

I know!!  My coverage can be special; because my poop don’t stink.  Just like that of the folks proposing this Amendment.  Right?

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Filed under Elections, Family, Humor, Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Susan G. Komen, Technology, Uncategorized

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February 11, 2012 · 0:00

Adjust Your Dial!

It’s spooky.  I keep expecting to have to adjust the vertical hold on my TV.  Or to hear the test pattern when I turn it on really early in the morning (you know, before the farm report).  And I’m surprised that the picture is in living color.

But then I look at the TV and realize that no, it is NOT a 1960s-era console TV.  Nope.  Not even close.  It is a high-end 3D LCD/LED HDTV, purchased not all that long ago.

So why is all the news from the 1960s?

Now I know that this is an election year.  Really, I do.  I pay attention.  But what I didn’t realize was that this was the 1960 election. 

Spoiler Alert: Kennedy Won

Contraception?  The Catholic Church?  The Church’s involvement in U.S. politics?  Ummm.  They are talking about issues that were resolved 50 years ago.

Enovid -- THE PILL

It’s true.  You see, on May 11, 1960 the first birth control pill, Enovid, received approval from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.  That, if you’re math challenged, is approximately 52 years ago.  Trust me on that one.  Within 4 years, one-quarter of all couples were using “The Pill.”

In 1964, President Lyndon Johnson, signed federal legislation making birth control available to the poor.  That was 48 years ago.  The Supreme Court Ruled against a Connecticut state prohibition of contraception in 1965, 47 years ago.   A few years later, in 1972, the Supreme Court also ruled that single women could get the pill, too.

It’s done.

So what the hell is wrong with my TV?  Why is it delivering 50-year-old news?

Maybe I just need to push some more buttons.  And definitely even more in November.

* * *

I LOVE YOU, Google.  Thanks, for the pictures!

64 Comments

Filed under Family, Hypocrisy, Science, Stupidity, Technology

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February 7, 2012 · 0:00

In the Pink

Sometimes, I find it nearly impossible to shine, and so I just can’t help myself.  At those time I feel the need to do something a little odd, a little nutty and a lot stupid.

Apparently, that is just how the Republican-led government of my adopted state, Virginia, feels.  Because yesterday they decided that one handgun is, well, just not enough for one person, so they repealed that terrible limit, and now, we Virginians can get all the handguns we deserve.  After all, we Virginians have more than one hand, so we need more than one gun.

The limit on guns had been on the law books for 19 years.  It was repealed by a group of state senators who got elected by vowing to increase the number of jobs in the state.  Silly me, I didn’t realize they meant jobs in hospital emergency rooms and morgues.  But hey, jobs is jobs.

But the worst thing about it is I found this out the very day I found my own personal dream firearm:

The Pink Hope 22

Yes, today I learned that the Susan G. Koman foundation was selling “The Pink Hope 22.”  They were “Shooting for the Cure.”  Well, that news, combined with the news that I could now get a matched pair, well, it really made my day.

But then all hope shattered.  Crumbled.  Was blown away.  You see, apparently the Susan G. Koman foundation was all fired up about guns for quite a while.  But not now.  These days, they’ve become so damn politically correct, over this whole decision to let poor women get breast cancer, that they are no longer selling what I personally think is the perfect symbol of an organization devoted to protecting health – a pink hand gun.

I’m so bummed, I need a hug.

*****

Apparently, two of my blogging buddies knew this day would be coming.  The Island Traveler and Arindam of Being Arindam nominated me for the Hope Unites Globally or HUG Award.  Thanks Guys!

I’m not sure that I really qualify for this award, because it is for people (not necessarily blogs) that promote hope, love, peace, equality and unity for all people.  Me, I’m mostly in it for the snark.

Nevertheless, I have it proudly on my blog and am passing it on to three folks who have been wonderfully supporting of my writing, even before my days as an Award Winning Blogger …

Delajus at Higher and Higher

Jamie at Sleep Deprived and Insane

Lisa at Eat Plants, said the Cow

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Filed under Awards, Driving, Family, Gun control, Humor, Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Susan G. Komen

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February 1, 2012 · 0:00

Hey Doc?

Medical care in today’s America is really no more than a Ponzi scheme.  Just ask Rick Perry.

In my case, it seems that whenever I go to the doctor, I end up going to doctorS.  Plural.  Somehow, radiologists are always involved.  What did folks do before they split the atom?  I think all these tests is a Russian (Iranian?) plot to get Americans to wipe themselves out with radioactive dyes so that they — The Russian/Iranians — can take over our country and get up there on the CT Scan machine themselves.  They are seriously cool machines.  I want one for my living room.

Oops.  I digressed again.  So back to our hero in the U.S. medical system.

Me, I have a chronic condition that has a nasty habit of wandering around the temple that is my body.  (I am quite sure it is a temple, because it keeps expanding.)  So I do know the medical system, ummm, intimately.

No, no, no, the illness is not such a big deal.  More than anything it is annoying.  And gross. And time-consuming.  Because when I go to one doctor, she sends me to another, who invariably says, “well you know, you really should see … and along the way there will be tests.”  Needles will be stuck into veins, dyes will be injected, and incredibly disgusting potions will be consumed.  The doctors don’t feel a thing, though.  It hardly seems fair.

But I have something over most patients:  Doctors are terrified of me: 

I work in drug products litigation 

And

I am married to a lawyer

Besides,

  • I do my homework;
  • I ask questions that I have thought about in advance;
  • I write down their answers;
  • I do not let them leave the room until I am satisfied;
  • I call them with all those questions I forgot to ask the first time around;
  • When they don’t call me back, I threaten to haunt them after I am dead.

That last one is REALLY effective.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a new specialist.   So, I am taking bets here:

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Filed under Family, Freshly Pressed, Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?, Humor, Music, Science, Stupidity, Technology

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