Return

I am afraid of this weekend.  No, not of New Years Eve or the end of 2011 or the beginning of 2012.  I take New Years in a Doris Day sort of way – Que sera, sera.  That’s French for WHATEVER.

But no, I’m afraid because I have to go back there again.  To the mall.  With a return.

There are two shopping malls not far from here Tysons Corner I and Tysons II.  Tysons I is a normal mall.  Homogenized.  Pasteurized.  It has the same stores as every mall in the U.S.  Macy’s.  Brookstone.  Ann Taylor.  Nothing different there.

Tysons II, however, is different.  Very different.  Tysons II, The Galleria, is filled with outrageously priced stores and a Macy’s.  Nordstroms, Cartier, Montblanc.  The Ritz has a direct entrance.

The only attractive feature to someone like me is that there is always plenty of parking and no traffic.  It’s seductive.  So Every year at Christmas time, I forget that I don’t belong and go for one last gift.  I vow never again to go.  But by the next Christmas I forget.

This year was no different.  Two days before Christmas, I needed one last gift, a scarf for my mother-in-law.

“I know,” I thought, stupidly.  “I’ll go to the Macy’s at Tysons II.” I am an idiot.  But, remember, lots of parking, no traffic.  Christmas Magic, right?

There were no employees in Macy’s.  I tried to buy a couple of things, and nobody would take my money.  So I went out into the mall.  I stopped in one store and found a nice scarf for Helen.  Looked at the tag — $198.  For a scarf for an 85-year-old lady who sometimes dribbles.  Nope.  Don’t think so.

So I continued down the main hall in the mall, occasionally stopping to look at something equally overpriced.

Then it started snowing.  In the mall.  INSIDE the mall.  On me.  It was 64 and sunny outside that day.   No snow THERE.  But inside, well, it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I continued walking.

You know how car dealers show their latest models in shopping malls sometimes?  Well, this one did too.

(Google Image)

Maserati

(Google Image)

Ferrari

(Google Image)

Lamborghini

I did not buy a car.  I did not buy a $200 scarf.  I didn’t even get the Clinique skin cream I needed from Macy’s.

I did get a small gadget from the only reasonable store there, a kitchen store.  It doesn’t work, though.  So I have to go back.

If you don’t hear from me for a while, please send snow shoes.

37 Comments

Filed under Family, Humor, Stupidity

37 responses to “Return

  1. I completely relate to your mall anxiety. Not my kind of fun. My snow shoes are on the porch ready for action if you need me. 🙂

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  2. Thanks Lorre!!!

    Happy New Year!

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  3. I have an award for you and it doesn’t require a laundry list of things to do. It’s simple and easy. This is because you are one of my most supportive commenters. Thanks!
    http://articlesofabsurdity.com/2011/12/31/its-a-process-awards-phase-ii/

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  4. Thanks for sharing the trials and tribulations of the season. I can honestly saw I can’t recall the last time I was in the mall! …. I know – you are envious! But I think you really want to go back! Be safe … but at least treat yourself to a snack.

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  5. Funny post. You have to wonder in this economy, how many people are buying $200 scarves. Just for fun, you should wear snowshoes to the mall. : )

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    • It’s not anyone I know buying $200 scarves — or lamborghinis or maseratis, either for that matter — in this economy. But the stores stay in business, and apparently can afford enough in rent to cover that snow-making machine.

      I’ll consider snowshoes next year if I go back to Tysons II — but I’d have to buy them first, which would involve a trip to the LL Bean store in Tysons I. Which, of course, is always full and which was what I was trying to avoid when I went to Tysons II to begin with.

      I’m doing everything online next year!

      Happy New Year!!!

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  6. I hit the Sears store the day after Christmas, but I went early 7AM. Bargains galore 80%off. Next year, I’m telling everyone they’re getting their presents a week after Christmas…after the sales. funny post.

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    • Thanks Barb — it’s a good idea. Although I think the day after Christmas isn’t much better than the day before, mall-looniness-wise. But at least you’d be paying less!

      Happy New Year!

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  7. You are obviously smarter than I am :). Happy New Year!

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  8. Brave woman. I can’t stand going to that area and avoid it with a passion.

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  9. It sounds wonderful. I promise to protect her from the folks in the exotic leather apparel stores.
    Happy New Year GOF!

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  10. GOF

    “If you don’t hear from me for a while, please send snow shoes.”
    I’m sorry I have no snow shoes. Would a large kangaroo with a vacant pouch be of any assistance?

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  11. I AM afraid. I’m mostly afraid that I will forget and go back again next year. I mean, you can PARK there!

    Of course, you and I had a hilarious conversation about just exactly what the operator of that machine could do to someone, like me, who doesn’t belong. I’m not sure we got to the tsunami level for someone with plaid pants, but we were close.

    Happy New Year, my friend!

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  12. I just read your post and also some of your comments, especially the one in response to PW, above. Very funny, but honestly, Lease — I don’t want to scare you — but that mall sounds like it belongs in a Stephen King novel! Be afraid! Be very afraid!

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  13. Snowing in the mall, how can that be a wonderful mall feature? Don’t get it but guess they have money to literally snowflake away.

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    • The whole snow machine cracked me up. Because it only snowed on me one way — as I went forward towards the expensive stores and cars.

      On the way back, maybe they realized a light snowfall didn’t make me open my wallet (or re-mortgage!) Or maybe they were working up to having it hail on me for not buying anything. Or sleet because I was wearing sneakers.

      I don’t belong in a place where climate change can be done with the touch of a button!

      Happy New Year, PW!!!

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  14. Actually, it made me want to throw up. But then I’m pretty sure I’d have been out the $198. Plus tax. Plus dry cleaning charges.!

    Thanks for visiting, commenting and for your wishes — Happy New Year to you, too, Mags!

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  15. Hi,
    That is unreal nearly $200 for a scarf, I think if I saw that price tag I would of just stood there and laughed. 😀

    You and your family have a wonderful New Year.

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  16. Thanks MJ! Tysons is not in Alexandria — it’s in Vienna/McLean in the worst traffic area in DC. Avoid it!

    Happy New Year!

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  17. I’m with you; malls are evil, bad places. I despise them. Unfortunately, I have to go there from time to time, too.

    I think I have been to Tysons Corner – is it in the Alexandria, VA area? Seems vaguely familiar ….

    Good luck!! MJ

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  18. In my brave trip for returns, I returned an inexpensive sweater and got enticed by an expensive sweater. But now I feel guilty, so I’ve got to go back again…

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  19. You have that rare ability to make a horrid experience sound funny! What’s wrong with Macy’s? You would think they would have people willing to take your money! When RVing Girl (my sister, Helen) and I went to New York as teenagers, we loved shopping at Macy’s.

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    • Thanks. But I do leave out the fact that I was tired and grumpy and didn’t really want to be shopping …

      There’s nothing wrong with Macy’s in general. This one though is in a mall with these outrageous shops and nobody ever bothers with Macy’s except mere mortals like me!

      Happy New Year!

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  20. Avoid the malls! Bake some cookies!
    Les

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    • Good idea, except that she’s a diabetic :(. I make wonderful cookies, too.

      We did get her some nice food items — at 85 she doesn’t want “stuff,” but we wanted to get her something pretty, too.

      Happy New Year!

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  21. Sounds dangerous! The price of the scarf made me laugh. I was just reading Oprah magazine where she has her “must haves” and there were scarves in there for about $300 apiece. I’m sorry, but I guess I must not want the must-have enough to get a second mortgage to pay for it.

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    • Oprah can afford it. And she can have it, too. $300 for a scarf? $200???? That’s nuts. Even if I could afford it, there are better things to do with that money! Imagine how much good chocolate that would buy, for example!

      Happy New Year!

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  22. I used to love Tyson’s Corner; lovely mall. Didn’t know there was a “I and II” now. Malls scare me. Thank G-d for online shopping! .

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    • I Googled it and found that Tysons II opened in 1988. I’m not a big fan of malls, either, but, like good bookstores, individual boutiques are all closing. Or too expensive. It’s sad.

      The problem I have with online shopping is that I like to touch the fabrics before I buy them. Not to mention the fact that I am not a Size 2 like the models!

      Thanks for your comment — I love your gravitar!

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  23. Thanks, Helen. As long as I can laugh at it, I’ll survive. Unless, of course, they get real New Years-y and drop a ball on my head!

    Happy New Year!

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  24. RVingGirl

    Loved this post.
    Isn’t it crazy? The prices of things!!!! Some people have more money than brains!
    Here’s hoping you survive the trip back THERE!!! eweee

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  25. You’re right — it is not a place for mere mortals!

    Happy New Year and thanks for the comment!

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  26. Wow! They are definitely charging too much in that mall if they have enough money to create their own climate. Try shopping on-line next year 🙂

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