Daily Archives: December 9, 2011

Fear of Flying

I don’t fly very much, and so I think I need some information from those of you who do.

First of all, where do you put your legs?  I ask this as a short person with practically non-existent legs.  My husband, who sports a nice long shapely pair himself, says that I don’t have legs, I have “stumps.”  And I take that comment exactly as he meant it – as an insult.  But I’m OK with being insulted, as he well knows.  You can say anything insulting to me at all, as long as it’s funny.  Non-funny insults hurt my feelings.  Funny ones I assume are jokes.  They are, aren’t they?

So I am sitting here with no place to put my stumps and wondering, hey, what do people who actually have LEGS do?  It is a question that will baffle man- and womankind for generations to come until we get our own individual George Jetson cars.

More importantly, though, is what to do in case of a crash.

Now, I am not afraid of flying.  Not at all.  I don’t worry about crashes except for when I look at those emergency instruction cards in the seat pocket in front of me.  The ones that tell me in the event of an emergency to get into the knee-chest position here in my seat, with my seatbelt ON.

Because if I were to try to do that while panicking because of an imminent disaster, well, I would hit my head on the seat in front of me and knock myself out.  There simply isn’t room to fold even my 5’2” body into that position.

So why do these so-called safety instructions instruct me to give myself a concussion?  I am so confused, and I don’t even remember practicing the knee-chest position or hitting my head.  I would remember, wouldn’t I?

Besides, even if I could get into that position in this seat, I’m sure I’d get stuck.  And even if not, I would certainly not be able to proceed to the nearest exit in that position — I would have to waddle.    Therefore I would not make it to the emergency exit in a timely fashion.  And after all, isn’t that really the goal here?

I actually think that these questions lead people to fear flying.  Another one that just occurred to me is “Hey, am I going to get arrested for writing about all of this on an airplane?”

And another thing.  E-Tickets.  I checked in early today from my office computer (here let me say to my boss, should she be reading this post, that I did it before work or during lunch or at some other time when I was not required to be working.  Really.  And did I tell you that you are the best boss ever?  I mean today.  I know I told you that yesterday.  And the day before.)

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  My e-ticket.  It worked great.  It gave me my boarding pass, information on the weather at my destination (Houston) and helpful hints on what to do when I get there.  Here is the list of their suggestions in the order they recommended them:

  1. Houston Metro Locksmith
  2. Museum of Fine Arts
  3. Wabash Antiques & Feed Store
  4. Occasions Fine Gifts

Now, I must say, that in traveling to Texas, the suggestion to go to a Feed Store is not altogether surprising.

But Damn!  I would never have thought of going to visit a locksmith.  What could be more fun!  More educational?  More appropriate for the state with the highest number of folks in prison!  Hopefully I’ll run into Rick Perry there at Houston Metro Locksmith.  So I really appreciate this tip, Continental Airways.  The only problem is, when I noticed where they wanted me to go, I laughed and spat red wine all over the address.  I will have to suck it off to find the place now.



Filed under Humor