Fear of Flying

I don’t fly very much, and so I think I need some information from those of you who do.

First of all, where do you put your legs?  I ask this as a short person with practically non-existent legs.  My husband, who sports a nice long shapely pair himself, says that I don’t have legs, I have “stumps.”  And I take that comment exactly as he meant it – as an insult.  But I’m OK with being insulted, as he well knows.  You can say anything insulting to me at all, as long as it’s funny.  Non-funny insults hurt my feelings.  Funny ones I assume are jokes.  They are, aren’t they?

So I am sitting here with no place to put my stumps and wondering, hey, what do people who actually have LEGS do?  It is a question that will baffle man- and womankind for generations to come until we get our own individual George Jetson cars.

More importantly, though, is what to do in case of a crash.

Now, I am not afraid of flying.  Not at all.  I don’t worry about crashes except for when I look at those emergency instruction cards in the seat pocket in front of me.  The ones that tell me in the event of an emergency to get into the knee-chest position here in my seat, with my seatbelt ON.

Because if I were to try to do that while panicking because of an imminent disaster, well, I would hit my head on the seat in front of me and knock myself out.  There simply isn’t room to fold even my 5’2” body into that position.

So why do these so-called safety instructions instruct me to give myself a concussion?  I am so confused, and I don’t even remember practicing the knee-chest position or hitting my head.  I would remember, wouldn’t I?

Besides, even if I could get into that position in this seat, I’m sure I’d get stuck.  And even if not, I would certainly not be able to proceed to the nearest exit in that position — I would have to waddle.    Therefore I would not make it to the emergency exit in a timely fashion.  And after all, isn’t that really the goal here?

I actually think that these questions lead people to fear flying.  Another one that just occurred to me is “Hey, am I going to get arrested for writing about all of this on an airplane?”

And another thing.  E-Tickets.  I checked in early today from my office computer (here let me say to my boss, should she be reading this post, that I did it before work or during lunch or at some other time when I was not required to be working.  Really.  And did I tell you that you are the best boss ever?  I mean today.  I know I told you that yesterday.  And the day before.)

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  My e-ticket.  It worked great.  It gave me my boarding pass, information on the weather at my destination (Houston) and helpful hints on what to do when I get there.  Here is the list of their suggestions in the order they recommended them:

  1. Houston Metro Locksmith
  2. Museum of Fine Arts
  3. Wabash Antiques & Feed Store
  4. Occasions Fine Gifts

Now, I must say, that in traveling to Texas, the suggestion to go to a Feed Store is not altogether surprising.

But Damn!  I would never have thought of going to visit a locksmith.  What could be more fun!  More educational?  More appropriate for the state with the highest number of folks in prison!  Hopefully I’ll run into Rick Perry there at Houston Metro Locksmith.  So I really appreciate this tip, Continental Airways.  The only problem is, when I noticed where they wanted me to go, I laughed and spat red wine all over the address.  I will have to suck it off to find the place now.

Damn.

46 Comments

Filed under Humor

46 responses to “Fear of Flying

  1. I think leg storage space is the next ‘extra fee’ slotted to take place in 2012. As for the locksmith- I can only assume it is advertising at its shocking best – right on your ticket. I keep wishing and hoping for the personal flight machine made famous by the Jetsons. Now there’s a flight a girl could get excited about. Love your humor!

    Like

    • Gosh, you’re probably right about that extra fee. AirTran already DOES charge for it, sort of. You can pay a bonus to sit in seats with more room.

      Thanks for stopping by — I LOVE the title of your blog — not to mention its content. I had lost it, but saw you on a comment and rejoined the party!

      Like

  2. What a funny post! I just remembered my experience of my first journey in flight. I was so afraid. The same question i asked to myself thousand times the previous night, “what to do in case of a crash?” Now i have less fear of flying. Still it’s there in some corner of my heart. 🙂 This one is great Post. Like it a lot.

    Like

    • Thanks, Arindam!

      It does seem to defy logic that we can fly through the air in a tube and get somewhere far away in just a short time, doesn’t it. I’m sure it’s magic!

      Like

  3. Hi,
    I really enjoyed your post, and had a bit of a laugh.
    I’m also not afraid of flying and good thing to as no matter where you decide to fly to from Australia, it is the norm for the flight to be around the 20 hr mark.:) I’m only short, but Hubby often complains there is never enough leg room.

    Like

    • Thanks for visiting, Mags! Normally I hate being short — except when flying. But even I don’t have room for my stumps!

      And I can’t imagine 20 hrs on a plane — possibly why I’ve never visited OZ! Have you heard Louis Black’s routine? “If you fly to Australia in coach, do yourself a favor. Go to the restroom, stick your head in the toilet and flush”…

      But I still want to go. Scotty??????

      Like

  4. I don’t fly much but wish I had some wonderful suggestions for you. You tickle my funny bone (as usual), make me think and remind me to never read your blog while sipping beverages! Seriously. I was lucky that my computer screen was not spat upon.

    Like

  5. Remove your legs and stow them under the seat for the best seating experience. And of course you’ll be going to the locksmith anyway…after the mandatory locking of the keys inside the rental car. You can’t walk very far for help…because your legs are still stiff from being folded under the seat with the flotation device. Hilarious post. thanks for the laugh.

    Like

    • Thanks Barb, for the timely tip. I’m just about to fly back home. Now I know what to do — and I can even skip the rental car bit! I will just have to hope I can find my own car keys and that I do not back into one of the 457 posts in the garage behind my car.

      Like

  6. Hmmm…. there is, of course, that four hour catch. So maybe you should just go to a real doctor. On the other hand, you’d have a GREAT blog subject!

    Like

  7. Doc

    As I stated in my post about a month ago, I don’t have a fear of flying either. But I have an inordinate fear of falling. From the sky! When least expected. I usually take a Xanax before the flight in order to relax enough to board the aircraft, Then several Scotch and sodas to remain comatose until landing!

    Like

  8. Coming from a person who lived in Texas for a few years, I can assure you those places are the INTERESTING things to see and do.

    Like

    • Oh dear, my niece and nephew who live here will carefully peruse my responses for anything Anti-TEXAS, so I will refrain. But actually, Houston has a great zoo, and since I come to see my great-niece and god-daughter, that’s mostly what I’ve seen.

      I also toured Europe when I lived there for five years while my son was 6-11. You get a whole ‘nuther perspective when you’re with kids!

      Like

  9. I think I read somewhere (no doubt on the internet) that the crash position is there only to make sure (a) your teeth are protected so you are easier to be identified after the crash or (b) you are sure to cleanly snap your neck in case of a crash. As we all know, dead people are cheaper than injured people. 😉

    Good post! Thank you

    Like

    • Hmmm. While I am NOT afraid of flying, I am TERRIFIED of dentists. They’d have to search long and hard to find mine.

      Thanks for visiting. I’m off to check out your space.

      Like

  10. When I am old I shall wear purple and sit on an airplane with my long legs draped over the seat in front of me, very unladylike, till they remove me from the plane a la the Baldwin gent. Fun, fun post.

    Like

  11. Mexican was our first stop. Yummmmmm!!!!

    Like

  12. Well, welcome to Houston! Oh do add Mexican food to your list…or, maybe you prefer seafood? Feed Stores usually have wonderful bar-be-cue.

    Like

  13. RVingGirl

    Elyse. love your post, thanks!
    I ALWAYS imagine us nose-diving into the crash end. And I picture what I will do. Here is my list I compiled on the last few flights.
    1. POL….PRAY OUT LOUD
    2. Turn on my cell phone……don’t care what they told us. I AM calling my kids to say good-bye and have a good life
    3. Call an attorney and a book publisher so the kids will be able to make lots of $ after I die with my “Life Flashing before my Eyes” book and movie rights. I’ll have to talk REAL fast!
    4. Plan my funeral and make copious notes regarding this (I always travel with a fire-proof tablet that will float along with my soon to be empty seat cushion

    Like

    • That’s hilarious — I love the planning aspect you have for sudden death!

      Isn’t it funny how we all forget how much more vulnerable we are when we get into our cars?

      Like

  14. Cheers to your great sense of humor – but stumps must be checked at the gate, and then fly in cargo.

    Like

    • Oh no Frank — am I in trouble now. Is that another TSA rule, kind of like taking off your shoes while going through security.

      On the other hand, maybe I’ll find someone else’s longer stumps at the baggage carousel and will FINALLY get those extra few inches of height I’ve been dying for.

      Like

  15. i’m 5’7″ and have really long legs. i hate flying, but if i have to fly, i will. i don’t worry about all the instructions they give you, because i figure i’ll be dead from the blood clots in my legs caused by my inability to move in my seat before there’s a chance of engine trouble. but i’m an optimist!

    Like

    • Ooohhh Yikes. There’s probably a class action suit in that one.

      I’m not at all scared of flying, or of crashing, either. I just feel like those cards and the demonstrations of the oxygen mask, etc. are like those warnings on drug ads. Totally useless and only serve to provoke anxiety.
      Me, I believe in the Bob Marley song — “Don’t worry, be happy.” (Although I DID NOT vote for George HW Bush.)

      Like

  16. The position that they tell you to put yourself into is to “Kiss your ass Goodbye!”

    Like

  17. Damn…the feed store.

    I’m in Virginia myself and I’m allowed to mention prosthetics because my breasts are prosthetic.

    Like

  18. Well…you need the locksmith to break into the museum. You sell what you stole at the auction and with the money you go buy some fine gifts. It makes perfect sense to me.

    People with prosthetic legs are so throwing that comfortable seat thing in your face right now.

    Like

    • And the feed store? You forgot about that purely Texas place, the FEED store.

      As a transplanted Connecticut Yankee living in Virginia, I find these sights charming, in a six-shooter kind of way.

      Now I try not to make fun of people (well, at least since the last time I did on my blog and got in serious trouble), so folks with prosthetics are special. They get to skip the concussions.

      Like

  19. Flight , fright and the dizzying stories that goes with it. I can relate to all of this. Sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine I’m in a beach with waves caressing my feet. It helps. A very fun and enjoyable post. Thanks. Merry Christmas…
    http://thismansjourney.net/2011/12/06/liebster-award/

    Like

    • Thanks, IT. I agree that sometimes you should just close your eyes and imagine the beach. But then they announce that your seat cushion is actually a flotation device, and it ruins the whole fantasy!
      Merry Christmas to you too!

      Like

  20. A quiet night of reading my beloved bloggers and I ended the night with you. A perfect way to say good night is with a hot toddy spew all over my laptop. Woman! you are so funny and I love it, even if it requires a computer repairman.

    Like

  21. So funny. 🙂 I really enjoy your humor!
    I always feel guilty when I don’t listen to the stewardess, I mean airline attendant or whatever they are called these days, when she is showing how to buckle the seat belt and use the oxygen mask.(do you notice she never actually puts it on her face). Truth be told, I’d rather read the book I’ve brought along. But, as notquiteold said, I do look around to see where the nearest exit is located…just in case. 🙂

    Like

    • I agree that knowing how to get out of a plane is a good idea. I guess that there are people who don’t know how to insert the tab into the buckle, but are they likely to be on an airplane unassisted???!!

      I read a Dave Barry bit years ago that, in the event of an emergency, you put the the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth so the pilot can’t hear you scream. (I love Dave Barry — and I think he was on to something!)

      Like

  22. I’m not afraid to fly, but I always count how many rows from my seat to the emergency exit. …just in case…

    Like

    • That’s just being a smart person, I think. Or a person who is good with numbers like you! Because I bet you figured out how to buckle up a while ago!

      Like

  23. I’ll look forward to that post! There are so many things to describe when you fly. I did not mention being felt up, or how I had to turn over my contraband chapstick. Kuwaiti airlines, huh. I can’t wait.

    But shhhhhh. My nephew (a pilot who I am visiting) saw the heading of this post and said “Now who in MY family is afraid of flying.”

    Like

  24. Holy cow-shit, funny. I’ll have to post about my flight to the Netherlands on Kuwaiti air. Or will that be a bad idea?

    Like

Play nice, please.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s