Tag Archives: Humor

May 14, 2012 · 0:00

Fashion Maverick

Did you know that I am a fashion maverick?  It’s true.  I have been for years.  Or am I a fashion maven?  I forget.  But I’m one of the two.

Actually, I was truly a young fashion trailblazer.  In 6th grade, I became the very first 10-year-old girl to wear nylons to school.  Yup.  I did.  I was very grown up.  And I wore them with a garter belt the boys found irresistible.  No, I was a good girl.  I didn’t try to show it to them.  But it was the sixties, the mini-skirt era.  And I was, at that time, really good in math.  The teacher, clearly a perv, often had me write the correct answers to homework problems on the blackboard.  High up on the blackboard.  There certainly was a lot of noise when I had my back turned.  Boys were so stupid.

I’m pretty sure I first wore nylons on one of those days when my mother went to work early and didn’t see me.  But still, I did it first.  The popular girls just couldn’t believe it was me – that I got there before they did.

Now you guys reading this are nodding off.  Stop it.  Just wait.  Skim.

Throughout junior high and high school, my fashion firsts continued.  I was also the first person to wear torn up blue jeans to school, and to go braless.  (See guys, I told you it would improve.)

Anyway, now that I am an adult, I am a wee bit more self-conscious in my fashion trail-blazing.  So I need some advice.

I’ve just gotten this new pair of jeans and, well, I just can’t decide where to wear them first.  I was so excited when I first saw these pants.   They’re just so me.

A special pocket for my concealed weapon!

They’re made by a Texas textile company, American Tactical Apparel.   The idea belongs to Brian Hoffner, a long-time Houston police officer who describes himself as “kind of a renaissance man,” according to this article.  Interestingly, the idea to make special pants to conceal his gun, came to him (ahem) while he was visiting a prostitute with a gun strapped to his thigh.  (I don’t know why, but I have few commercially successful ideas when I am visiting hookers.  And even fewer when I am afraid that I might shoot myself.)

Anyway, these jeans, along with a line of khakis and other apparel, are designed for the fashion-conscious gun-toter.  And it’s none too soon if you ask me.  It has been such an inconvenience sticking my handgun in my bra.

What do you think?  Where should I wear these jeans – and should I wear my Susan G. Komen Pink Hope 22 or go semi-automatic?

Who could forget Susan G. Komen's "Shooting for the Cure"Please, help me out here.

The only problem is there is only one holder.  And it is pretty small.  Where can I put my M-16?

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Filed under Childhood Traumas, Elections, Fashion, Gun control, Humor, Hypocrisy, Law, Stupidity

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May 12, 2012 · 0:00

Crazy stuff

Gay and Lesbian rights is really not my issue.  I’m straight but my sister, Beth, was gay.  It wasn’t a problem for me or my other siblings.  My parents had some difficulty at first, but then, because they loved their daughter, accepted her as she was.  I was very proud of them.

I don’t understand the problem some folks have with gays, frankly.  But then I saw this clip and, well, it all became clear to me.

Now I do understand the anti-gay folks.  They are bat-shit crazy.  But then again, it would be terrible if there were more “homociders” and “orgiers” in the world.  So I guess I just better rethink this tolerance and understanding of mine.

Because, after all, what would Jesus do?

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Filed under Family, Health and Medicine, Humor, Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Voting

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May 11, 2012 · 0:00

Word Press, Quit Messin’ With Us

It’s been a fun week, now, hasn’t it, Word Press.

You did some really good things this week, like Fresh Pressin’ two of my favorite bloggers, Darla at She’s A Maineiac and Nancy at NotQuiteOld.

And, through Fresh Pressed (which I don’t usually bother with), I stumbled onto a woman who is stomping in my old stomping grounds and blogging about it at The Adventures of Miss Widget.  She has some great pictures of towns and vineyards near Geneva, Switzerland.

But

You knew it was coming.  There is always a “but.”

But automatically subscribing me to every comment on every blog I comment on, well that was nasty.  Of course, it did give me inspiration for my entry into K8did’s first round in her 7 Deadly Sins contest:   Gluttony.

But then it got worse.

Because today I found out that nobody was writing anything.  Nope.  My Fiftyfourandahalf@gmail.com email address was empty when I woke up and it continues to be empty.  Because instead of sending me emails when my bloggin’ buddies post, and when I want to read the comments of folks commenting on some, but not all, well, Word Press, you aren’t doing that any more.

We all have our own preferences, styles and management techniques for reading, commenting, reading comments, etc.  Can we please just keep our own preferences instead of yours?

Let me say this simply:

Word Press, Quit Messing With Us.

63 Comments

Filed under Stupidity, Technology, Word Press

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May 9, 2012 · 0:00

Git Along Little Doggies

One of my very favorite movie scenes of all time is one you may have forgotten.  Have you seen The Italian Job with Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Donald Sutherland and Edward Norton?  I love this movie, and not just because it is (partly) set in Venice, my favorite place on Earth.  And not even because it also stars my beloved late (sniff) blue Mini-Cooper.

Remember the scene where Hansome Rob (Jason Statham) is stuck in traffic waiting to make a left turn behind an actor (played by Scott Adsit) rehearsing for an audition?

“Give me your badge.  And your weapon.” Over and over until the light is just about to change.  Then Rob honks the horn, the actor realizes he needs to go, and does, leaving Handsome Rob stuck at the light.

I love the scene because it’s such a true-life event.  In fact, this sort of thing used to happen to me all the time.  The result – I sit in

G-R-I-D-L-O-C-K

Damn, I hate that.  It’s funny in a movie.  In real life, when there are things that must be done — important, occasionally life changing things — well, it isn’t quite as funny, is it?  Usually, I just need to get along to work, to home, to the bathroom, to wherever.  So does everybody else.

You know, it seems that now, in real life, the absent-minded driver has been replaced by the intentionally jerky driver who doesn’t stop when he/she know there isn’t a snowball’s chance that he will make it across the intersection.  So he/she gets stuck in the middle along with other, like-minded jerks, and folks like me who try to get along.  Nobody gets anywhere.  No work gets done.  The only thing they raise is blood pressure.

I know these folks.  I’ve seen them outside of their cars.  They are the same jerks who used to throw temper tantrums on the playground if there wasn’t a swing available (whether they really wanted to swing or not).  Who used to bully.  Who have been jerks since before the egg and sperm that formed them ever hooked up.

We here in the Washington, DC area are way too familiar with these guys.  And we don’t want any more.  In fact, we are pretty damn tired of folks who stamp their feet, pound their fists, and spit in the face of one of the cornerstones of civilization:  working together for the common good.

Now someday soon, I’ll tell you all about the truly wonderful work that was done as a direct result of bipartisanship in the United States Congress.  Yes, it’s true.  And it happened in my lifetime and yours.  But that’s for another day.

But believing as I truly do in lawmakers working together,  imagine my disgust when I saw this clip of the jerk, Richard Mourdock, who beat Senator Lugar to be the Republican Party’s candidate for Senate in Indiana.

Boys and girls, listen up.  Nobody gets anywhere when everybody stands and stamps their feet.  And if someone running for office says:

“To me, the highlight of politics, frankly, is to inflict my opinion on someone else”

Well, then, it’s time to work to keep him out of office.  We have enough jerks pushing their way into the middle of the intersection and going nowhere.

Let’s see if we can find folks who might want to work together to solve problems.  Because we have a whole mess of them.  And to fix them, all of us need to get along.

55 Comments

Filed under Driving, Elections, Humor, Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Voting

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May 3, 2012 · 0:00

Giddy Bedfellows

Normally, while in bed with my husband, I try not to laugh so hard that I can’t breathe.  I try not to laugh so hard that I can’t get to the Kleenex box quickly enough to wipe away the tears.  I try not to laugh hard enough to shake the bed causing my husband to fall off the edge onto our completely innocent, elderly dog.  I also try not to spit, but, of course, I usually try not to spit.  (I try not to snort, fart or do a whole host of other things while pretending to be the perfect wife.  But they are fodder for a whole different post.)

But last night I did all of the above (hey, except the fart.  I will NEVER admit to that).

My husband, John was kind of put out about it, actually.  As in literally put out of the bed because it was shaking uncontrollably.

It wasn’t my fault, though.  You see, I was reading what I am pretty certain is the funniest book I have ever read.  So I have to share.

Actually, it’s taking me quite a while to read this book.  Normally, I swallow books whole.  Seriously.  But it is slow going with this one.  Because it makes me laugh so hard that I ache all over, and then I cry.  And I don’t know about you, but when I cry, I have trouble reading.  Those letters just dance around in the swirls on the page.

And that’s kind of what happened last night.  I would read just a couple of words and then suddenly it happened.  I was laughing so hard, and trying to dry my tears, and catch my breath and also say to my increasingly annoyed husband who was in bed trying to sleep, that I just wanted to finish the paragraph.

Not the chapter.

Not the book.

Just the paragraph.  But each time I managed to control my laughter, dry my tears, blow my nose and find my place, well, I started all over again.  Laughing, crying, gasping for breath.  It took me about 30 minutes to finish a two sentence paragraph.

If you’re familiar with my blog, well, you know that I am not in the habit of writing book reviews, even though I read a whole lot.  And I won’t tell you what this book is about.  But it is hilarious.

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, by Jenny Lawson

This is quite possibly the funniest book I have ever read.  Really.

But I haven’t finished it yet.  I’m going to wait until John is asleep before I curl up in bed with the book.  (He’s been snoring a whole lot lately and payback is hell.)

If you have a weak bladder, I recommend reading this book in the bathroom.

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