Not on my list …

I was in a toy store recently, when the clerk handed a plastic bag containing a toy to the woman in front of me, and said “Thank you, Merry Christmas” to the woman.

To my surprise, she did NOT say “Your Welcome!”  She did not respond “Merry Christmas to you too!”  Nor did she say “Have a good day!” as required in retail nowadays.

Nope, she collapsed onto one knee and said “Thank the Lord.”

“Oh sweet Jesus,” I thought.

Her husband glared at me as if to say in a very Christian way:   “You wanna make something out of it?”

I shook my head, and proceeded to pay for the toy I was buying.  I didn’t thank God for it, because I don’t really think that God cares if I bought my new nephew the Spot book or the one with the fuzzy pages.

Nope, I thanked the clerk for helping me and went on to my next errand.

I didn’t fall to my knees to thank God.  I have a bad knee.

But this morning I was wondering what toy was so hard to come by that it resulted in prayer.  So of course, I Googled.  And was I surprised at what I found.

I didn’t find the “Tickle me Elmo” shortage this year.  Nope, nothing of the sort.  Toys all seem to be in good supply.

But I did find that one place of business is offering a different slant on Christmas this year.  It’s in Chicago, so you won’t be finding me there this year.  OR MY HUSBAND.

You see, The Admiral Theatre, a strip club, is offering a free lap dance for anyone bringing in a new, unwrapped gift to be donated to charity.

Do you think all the girls wear Santa hats beards? More importantly, are they fat and jolly?

I bet there is a man or two who would get down on his knees to pray for that.

 

46 Comments

Filed under Family, Humor, Stupidity

46 responses to “Not on my list …

  1. I am actually quite sweet and cuddly. I don’t do lap dances, though.

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  2. Oh my gosh you are rotten and I love it.

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  3. Thanks Barb,
    I hadn’t thought of it that way. I guess it is tapping into a whole new market. But I do wonder if they try to deduct the cost of the toy. I can just imagine their wives looking over their shoulder, saying “honey, you NEVER give toys to tots….”

    WordPress is messing with me again — your comment is not appearing?!?! Weird. So if this response appears before your comment, rest assured. I am not Omniscient!

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  4. So enjoyable to read. i won’t drop to my knees in a store specially is it’s busy but I would thank God for all the blessings . I’ve been to a crazy week finding toys and presents. I’m glad there’s Costo or SAMs superstore to fill in the gifts I have no idea of giving. Lap dance? Never heard of that but guess what kind crowd will brings unwrap gifts? Hmmm…
    Wishing you and your family a blessed and happy Christmas.

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  5. Loving this! And your mind! LMBO! I, too, was unaware of acronyms FWB and others, I still have to ask and am often sorry I did, lol. Never sorry for reading your pages, thanks for the giggles 🙂

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  6. I don’t pay too much attention to the Holiday or Christmas terminology. There’s lots more to worry about…like those strippers. I bet they’re getting toy donations from a segment of the population that has never given to a toy drive. Love your humor.

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  7. Oh my! Makes me wonder about people.

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  8. Clinton

    Oh dear, that was funny, a brilliant way to make a very non-funny subject amusing. But what can be done with this disease, so endemic to our society? Down what toilet can we flush these ‘men’, who insist on thinking of women as nothing more than appliances?

    “Daddy, what’s a wife?”
    “Well son, it’s a device you screw to the bed that does the housework.”

    My daughter complained to me the other day that the boys at her lunch table were talking about BJs. Just where does a seventh grade boy learn about this? I sputtered my response in my daughter’s direction while trying to decide whether to be amused at the notion of these boys having any idea of that which they spoke, or dismayed at the realization that they just might.

    Of course these are the boys who grow up to become the customers of an industry that perpetuates these myths about what women are and want, to promote sales to a clientele that neither realizes the extent of their ignorance, nor what their patronage says about the abundance of their insecurity in their collective ‘manhood’. The whole thing makes me fear for humankind’s future.

    -clinton

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    • I wish I had an answer for you.

      I didn’t know what a BJ was for a very long time (and, in fact as one who looked at that acronym and thought, ‘You mean the store that used to compete with Costco?’).

      Clinton, you and I have talked about related issues before. There are so many places for kids to learn stuff they are not emotionally equipped to handle these days. TV, video games, each other, as well as from the natural curiosity of adolescence in general. Information is too readily available and too graphic.

      I feel like a terrible old fart when I look at the styles that hide nothing that even the youngest children sport.

      Evolution or devolution, that is the question for our current times.

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  9. Exactly — folks need to understand that there is a time and place for expressions of piety. The toy store and the end zone don’t qualify as hallowed ground. Keep it private please.

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  10. DiatribesAndOvations.com

    Holy cow … she did a Toy Store Tebow! http://wp.me/p1se8R-21m

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  11. I’m not sure which is crazier . . . the lady in the store or the lap dance offer. As they say . . . this the season!

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  12. Not sure how to comment on this one except that I believe there are some crazy peeps out there. That woman was nuts in line in front of you on bended knee, it’s the only explanation.
    And lap dancing for toys for tots WTH? Crazy!

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    • Yup! Crazy or fanatical! Especially since I couldn’t find any toy that was in short supply. But you’re right. Crazy peeps are everywhere and they come out of the woodwork during December!

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  13. You’re so sweet. I seem to get more comments when I just stick something up quickly than when I really work on it!

    It’s funny — “Helen” is my mother-in-law’s name (and she’s terrific), and also the name of the mother of the guy I DIDN’T marry — another special woman in my life. So the fact that that is YOUR name, too, makes me smile. It seems fitting (especially as I will be moving in with you!)

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  14. RVingGirl

    Hey Elyse, you sure got lots of comments on this one.
    Well done my dear and thanks for the sweet words. I count you as a friend.
    Blessings
    Helen

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  15. Elementary school, I believe you mean. Gives new meaning to the term “cupcake”

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  16. Sounds like a great idea for a school fundraiser.

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  17. My husband would think it’s a very good cause!

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  18. Hi,
    A lap dance, well I suppose it’s very unique, and if it achieves some presents for charity good on them. 🙂

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  19. I thought the same as RVing Girl that the lady was being overly dramatic about hearing “Merry Christmas” instead of happy holidays from the sales clerk. I loves me some Jesus with all my heart, but I never get bent out of shape or put too much into what greeting I’m given during the Christmas season. As long as the person is wishing me some form of grace (merriment, happiness, peace, etc.), I’m good with that. It’s a hell of a lot better than what I used to be wished when I would try to shop in stores during the pre-civil rights days. And even if someone wishes me the inarticulate “Happy Holidays,” I always say “thank you and a Merry Christmas to you” (one happy greeting in exchange for a merriment blessing, instead of “get out of my store, you’re not welcome here”–that’s a win/win situation to me). 🙂 Merry Christmas!

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    • Merry Christmas to you too.

      See my response to RVing girl, because the woman wasn’t terribly nice. I posted this piece very quickly, and probably should have been more neurotic about it!

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    • RVingGirl

      Good for you…..we have to keep a positive outlook. One day my grocery packer was so miserable. She would only grunt etc. I felt like telling her off when we got to my car. Instead I simply said, Are you having a bad day dear? she burst into tears telling me her daddy had just been locked up for 2 years. Sad. I was so thankful I didn’t add to her unhappiness though I did suggest she try to smile since no one would know that. We hugged before I left.

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  20. If the strip club really gets the toys to a disadvantaged kid, that’s just as legit as someone ringing a bell out front of Walmart. A good deed is a good deed!
    Les

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    • According to the article, they do collect a whole lot of toys, so, you’re right. It’s just that strip clubs are not on my list of things I think as particularly “Christmassy.”

      But it is funny that you should mention the bell ringers. I used to give them money with each passing, but then a few years ago I started reading how politicized (read right-wing) they have become. So I don’t give them money any more. I give it elsewhere.

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  21. RVingGirl

    I read this thinking that the lady thanked the Lord because the clerk actually said, “Merry Christmas” rather than “Happy Holidays”. Maybe I am naive but that is what I would have been thinking. I’m not sure I would have got down on a knee but I would be thanking God that some people still recognize that we are celebrating the birth of our savior. I know not everyone believes this and that’s fine but Christmas is about His birth.
    The lap dance thing…..crazy…..Too bad it takes something that drastic to get people to give at any time of year but hey, that’s the world we all live in.
    Well written 54 1/2
    Have a very merry CHRISTmas my dear.

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    • I probably should have described the woman’s behavior before checkout. She went through the store with elbows out, pushing others out of her way, in a most unChristian-like manner. And especially given her other behavior I think that her displays of religious fervor should have been kept private.

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, too.

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      • RVingGirl

        Oh yeah, I see what you mean Elyse. Yes she ought to have been more private in her display.
        I know one day I was shopping in a Christian bookstore here on the island. (everyone knows everyone here don’t forget). While I was at the check out I was having a wonderful ‘spiritual’ conversation with the clerk. I was genuine in what I was saying…just then I dropped my cell phone. “Oh Shit!” I exclaimed. Did I feel mortified? yup, but hey I am only human. ha ha ha At least I wasn’t rude or pushy like your girl the other day. lol

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        • Swearing at a Christian bookstore???? My word! I wish I had been there. Besides, there is nothing in the bible or the commandments that I know of that says “thou shalt not say ‘shit’ anywhere you damn well please.”

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  22. WTH (getting down on one knee?)

    Wow, nothing gets a person into the holiday spirit like a lap dance. Good idea, Admiral Theatre. Now I’ll be thinking of all those poor strippers who were most likely sexually abused as children and hoping they have a nicer Christmas than their sleazy customers. Wait, I’m getting too dark now. Sorry I just crapped on your comment board 😦

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  23. I love a little Christmas cheer! (That would be your post, not the strippers.)

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  24. HA! the last line had my rolling … hee hee

    Thank you for seeing the absurd in everyday situations … and I’ve encountered such individuals at this time of year. One word: bizarre!

    MJ

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    • MJ, I keep responding to your post, and it keeps vanishing! Wait, is it Christmas or Halloween?!

      Glad you liked the post. And I do see the absurdity in stuff — I don’t know how folks with no sense of humor survive!

      Hope this reply shows up!

      Like

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