Tag Archives: Vacation

November 17, 2013 · 0:00

Hertz — Donut

It’s been about 50 years since I said “yes” when somebody (probably my brother, Fred) asked me if I wanted a “knuckle sammich.”

It had been nearly as long since I said “yes” when somebody (probably my brother, Fred) asked me if I wanted a “Hertz Donut.”

It’s important to note that Fred was nowhere to be found when this happened.  So I can’t blame him.

In fact, I don’t recall actually being asked “Do you want a Hertz Donut.”  Nope.  I didn’t hear it coming.  But I got hit anyway.  Me and John did, actually.

Hertz Donut

You see, we flew up here to Maine to check on the repair work to our little cottage up here that was damaged in a fire.

We used our United Airlines frequent flier miles to pay for most of the ticket.  John noticed that they also offered a special deal on rental cars with prepayment.  Hertz!  Located right there in the Portland airport, not a zillion miles and a schleppy shuttlebus ride away.  Plus, the cost was the same as the other car rental companies.

Great!  Yes, I’d love a Hertz, ummmm, rental car.

But neither of us signed on for a Hertz Donut.

Still, that’s exactly what we got.  And it Hertz right in the wallet.

We got to the extremely convenient counter, gave our names and began our transaction.  John pulled out his drivers’ license, and I pulled out mine.

“That’ll be $13.99 per day for a second driver,” said the clerk, a bit sheepishly.

“Excuse me?” John and I said, both our mouths hanging open in shock.   “There’s never a charge for an extra charge for a spouse to drive a rental car.”

“There is with Hertz’ promotion with United,” responded the clerk,  apologetically.  (It wasn’t her fault, we knew that.  She was just doing her job.  So we groused politely, and not at her.)

We had pre-paid for our car, non-refundable, natch.  And we needed two drivers because we were doing all kinds of household chores.

We were not happy.  We had never had to pay extra for a second driver, let alone a spouse.  Have you?

An extra $100.  Hertz, Donut.

I don’t know about you, but I am really fed up with Corporations sticking their hand in my pocket.  Especially when they claim to be offering me a bloomin’ bargain.

Yup, and I'll make sure to go elsewhere from now on.

Yup, and I’ll make sure to go elsewhere from now on.

It makes me wanna give everybody at Hertz a knuckle sammich.

 

[All images are from Google, Natch.]

 

72 Comments

Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Driving, Huh?, Humor, Maine, Stupidity

Tagged as , , , , , ,

February 28, 2012 · 0:00

Making a Difference

All my life, I’ve wanted to make a difference in the world.  I have sought ways to do it.  At last, in today’s mail, I found just how to do it my way.

I guess it’s not really a new idea.  Folks have been improving the world by spreading the wealth for centuries.  That, I’m sure, was behind George Bush’s terrorism-busting shopping suggestion.  The idea is, of course, to spread the wealth and spend money.  So I’m gonna.  I’m gonna spend lots.

Curious?

Well today I got the most fabulous catalog in the mail.  And it changed my life.

Now, I get loads of catalogs.  Truth be told, I buy a lot of stuff out of them.  Clothes, gifts, stuff no one likes or wants.  You know, just like everyone.

But this catalog was different, and not just because it was laminated.  This one told me that I could make a difference and have a blast at the same time.  All the time, not having to mix with the little people.

What was this catalog, you ask.  Was it the Harriet Carter catalog, filled with stuff you can normally only buy on late-night cable TV (like this Skin Tag Remover) along with a generous assortment of vibrators?

Harriet Carter.com

Nope.  Better.

Was it the Heiffer, International catalog?  Could I order some goats and chickens and ducks (alas no coots) for folks so that they can raise livestock and have a better life?

Heiffer International, a wonderful organization, for real

Nope. Way Better.

Was it a Williams Sonoma catalog full of pricey pots and pans in which I can make gourmet treats for the homeless?

Catalog Cover

Nope.  It was beyond my wildest dreams.

It was the TCS and Starquest Expeditions Catalog, The World Leader in Private Jet Travel.  And they invited me along on a Cultures and Cuisines tour!  Can you believe it?  Me!  Here’s the trip:

 

Cuisines and Cultures Itinerary

 

Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it.  But when I went to the website I found that there are other possibilities.  Endless possibilities.  I can, according to the website, Enjoy the Ultimate In Service, Learn While You Explore, AND Follow Your Passion.

Wow.  What’s not to like?

Now, the cuisine and culture tour looks really good.  But the Around the World tour looks, even better.  I can go here:

Angkor Wat, Cambodia

And Here

Moais, Easter Island, Chile

And here

Luxor Egypt

In fact, I can go to all these places!

Around the World Itinerary

Best of all, there will be no shoe removal at the airport because I’ll get to do it on this:

My Wings

 

But best of all, I will be able to save the world while I do it.  I’m pretty sure that George W and Laura Bush will be along for this one because lookee here at just how the website tells me we’re going to save the world:

Make a Difference in the World
By joining this expedition, you support efforts to enhance the conditions of peoples and places we visit. At each destination on the itinerary, TCS & Starquest Expeditions purchases traditional handicrafts made by local artisans, provides supplies for medical centers or schools, or donates funds for essential programs.  (Impressive, no?)

Or

Make a Difference in the World
By joining an Around the World expedition, you will automatically support efforts to enhance the conditions of the places and peoples we visit—there is no further commitment necessary on your part. Our expedition will provide supplies to medical clinics and schools, as well as contribute funds for essential projects that many people depend on. (Nope, I don’t want to have to do extra to save the world.  Trust me, paying for this trip will suffice.)

Which way I save the world is dependent entirely on which tour I choose.  Decisions, decisions.

Damn, it’s wonderful being in the top 1% of the top 1%.  With TCS and Starquest Expeditions you can see the world guilt free.  All this for about $60,000.  Each.  And there is no need to mingle.

******

Travel photos all courtesy of TCS and Starquest Expeditions Catalog.  Saving the world lingo is theirs too.

 

65 Comments

Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Humor, Hypocrisy

Tagged as , ,

December 9, 2011 · 0:00

Fear of Flying

I don’t fly very much, and so I think I need some information from those of you who do.

First of all, where do you put your legs?  I ask this as a short person with practically non-existent legs.  My husband, who sports a nice long shapely pair himself, says that I don’t have legs, I have “stumps.”  And I take that comment exactly as he meant it – as an insult.  But I’m OK with being insulted, as he well knows.  You can say anything insulting to me at all, as long as it’s funny.  Non-funny insults hurt my feelings.  Funny ones I assume are jokes.  They are, aren’t they?

So I am sitting here with no place to put my stumps and wondering, hey, what do people who actually have LEGS do?  It is a question that will baffle man- and womankind for generations to come until we get our own individual George Jetson cars.

More importantly, though, is what to do in case of a crash.

Now, I am not afraid of flying.  Not at all.  I don’t worry about crashes except for when I look at those emergency instruction cards in the seat pocket in front of me.  The ones that tell me in the event of an emergency to get into the knee-chest position here in my seat, with my seatbelt ON.

Because if I were to try to do that while panicking because of an imminent disaster, well, I would hit my head on the seat in front of me and knock myself out.  There simply isn’t room to fold even my 5’2” body into that position.

So why do these so-called safety instructions instruct me to give myself a concussion?  I am so confused, and I don’t even remember practicing the knee-chest position or hitting my head.  I would remember, wouldn’t I?

Besides, even if I could get into that position in this seat, I’m sure I’d get stuck.  And even if not, I would certainly not be able to proceed to the nearest exit in that position — I would have to waddle.    Therefore I would not make it to the emergency exit in a timely fashion.  And after all, isn’t that really the goal here?

I actually think that these questions lead people to fear flying.  Another one that just occurred to me is “Hey, am I going to get arrested for writing about all of this on an airplane?”

And another thing.  E-Tickets.  I checked in early today from my office computer (here let me say to my boss, should she be reading this post, that I did it before work or during lunch or at some other time when I was not required to be working.  Really.  And did I tell you that you are the best boss ever?  I mean today.  I know I told you that yesterday.  And the day before.)

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  My e-ticket.  It worked great.  It gave me my boarding pass, information on the weather at my destination (Houston) and helpful hints on what to do when I get there.  Here is the list of their suggestions in the order they recommended them:

  1. Houston Metro Locksmith
  2. Museum of Fine Arts
  3. Wabash Antiques & Feed Store
  4. Occasions Fine Gifts

Now, I must say, that in traveling to Texas, the suggestion to go to a Feed Store is not altogether surprising.

But Damn!  I would never have thought of going to visit a locksmith.  What could be more fun!  More educational?  More appropriate for the state with the highest number of folks in prison!  Hopefully I’ll run into Rick Perry there at Houston Metro Locksmith.  So I really appreciate this tip, Continental Airways.  The only problem is, when I noticed where they wanted me to go, I laughed and spat red wine all over the address.  I will have to suck it off to find the place now.

Damn.

46 Comments

Filed under Humor

Tagged as

June 30, 2011 · 0:00

First Annual No Bitchin’ Day

Duck Cove, Early EveningSomething is terribly wrong with me.  I’m sure of it.  It’s serious, maybe terminal.  I need to see my doctor just as soon as possible.  The symptoms?  I haven’t bitched about anything all week.  Not one thing.  Is it Alzheimer’s?  Fibromyalgia?  Vanishing-sarcasm disorder?

Now, now, you say, sometimes even the snarkiest of people are nice.  It’s not serious.  It’s not deadly.  It’s not even unattractive.

But it’s never happened to me.  And I don’t quite know what to say about my new-found niceness.   Shouldn’t I have started being nice before puberty?  Can someone start being nice at fifty-four-and-a-half?  Shouldn’t I check for signs of brain washing since I have even remained pleasant for days after Michele Bachmann announced she really is running for President?

What caused these psychological changes? Are they permanent?  Am I still employable?

Right now, I am sitting on the coast of Maine, where I’ve been staying for several days.  I’m having a beer and looking out at a picturesque cove and the view of Placentia Island.  Well, I could bitch about the name of that island, but not today.

I could bitch about the mosquitoes that are the size of hummingbirds, but not today.

I could bitch about the sun that comes up so early that it’s a pleasure to get out of bed at 5 a.m., but not today.

Today I am in a grumble-free zone.  When I return to Washington, I’m going to demand that June 30 be designated as annual “No Bitchin’ Day.”

I don’t know if it will catch on.  But if it doesn’t, I’ll have a thing or two to say about it.  And I won’t be nice.

7 Comments

Filed under Humor

Tagged as ,