Tag Archives: Crap

February 15, 2012 · 0:00

Because Mine Don’t

Tomorrow at my office, I and other members of the “Senior Staff” must present some cost cutting measures for consideration by the President and CEO.  I’ve been worrying about this for more than a month.  Me, I’m more into spending than cost cutting, and I just didn’t have any really good ideas for how a small business like ours could, well, save money.

But then, to quote John Lennon, “I read the news today, oh boy.”  And I know just exactly how we will be saving loads of money.  Can you guess how?

We can save sh*tloads of cash on health insurance in the not too distant future.  How?

Yup, you guessed it!  I’m counting on the Republicans in Congress continuing to be so completely, bafflingly, inexplicably bizarre.   I’m betting that the Amendment proposed by Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) to the Affordable Healthcare Act will become law.  You read about it, didn’t you?  It would allow any employer to “opt out” of offering insurance coverage to their employees if they object to coverage for religious or moral grounds.

When it becomes law, PRESTO!  My company will save a fortune.  I am a magician!  I will save the company.  I will be promoted!  I will make big buckaroooooooooooossssss!  I will be rewarded!  At least I’ll keep my job.

Cue the evil laugh.  Mooaahhhhhhhaaaahaaaaaaa.

Now there aren’t many of us at my little company.  In fact I think we may all actually be “Senior Staff,” so I will need to present this carefully.  Or mumble.

And, well, there aren’t too many health issues to speak of among our 22 employees.  The usual flu, cold, allergies.  Nothing particularly juicy.  Nothing even remotely immoral.  Nothing even borderline.  Besides, what could we possibly object to on both moral and religious grounds that hasn’t already been taken care of by those busy beavers at the Virginia State Legislature?

Clearly, I had to dig deeper.  I had to look to find what everyone has in common.  And I figured it out!

We will deny health insurance coverage to anyone who poops.

We will do it on moral AND religious grounds. 

Yup, poop.  Nobody likes poop – that’s why we flush it away, why we bury it, why we hide behind doors to do it.  I’ll save us a fortune in premiums.

As the self-proclaimed new insurance representative of my company, I hereby proclaim:

We oppose poop on moral grounds.

We oppose poop on religious grounds.

(Opposing poop on religious grounds would be easier if only I could remember which religion has the caste system – you know, where only the lowest caste deals with poop.  Whatever religion that may be.  I’m sure it’s mentioned in the Constitution.  (It’s probably somewhere in the 2nd Amendment.)

Soon, my company won’t have to cover anybody; we’ll save a bloomin’ fortune.

But somehow, I will have to figure out how I can get insurance that covers me, because, you see, I have some healthcare issues, and I want to keep MY coverage.

I know!!  My coverage can be special; because my poop don’t stink.  Just like that of the folks proposing this Amendment.  Right?

65 Comments

Filed under Elections, Family, Humor, Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Susan G. Komen, Technology, Uncategorized

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January 21, 2012 · 0:00

What’s in a Meme?

It’s more of a disease than anything.   Think Contagion.  Think Outbreak.  Think the combined scourges of tuberculosis, bubonic plague and flatulence with the Love Boat Theme playing in the background, with no mute button.

Yes, that’s how I describe the “meme” I got from Lori at Sunny Side Up.

A meme, according to Wikipedia, my bible, is:

an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture.  A meme acts as a unit for carrying cultural ideas, symbols or practices, which can be transmitted from one mind to another through writing, speech, gestures, rituals or other imitable phenomena.  Supporters of the concept regard memes as cultural analogues to genes in that they self-replicate, mutate and respond to selective pressures.

Yes, it’s a chain letter.

But, as I am a girl who can’t say no, here goes.

1.        Describe yourself in 7 words:

  • Irreverent
  • Snarky
  • Chatty
  • Storyteller-at-any-opportunity
  • Smart
  • Curly
  • Liar Literary-license-taker   

2.       What keeps you up at night?

The fear that some perve is going to want to know what I’m wearing right now.

 3.       Who would I like to be?

The Queen

 4.       What am I wearing right now?

            Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 5.       What scares me?

 Repeating myself.  Repeating myself.  See Nos 2 and 4.

 6.       The best and worst of blogging:

  • Having an outlet to write and be appreciated
  • Falling into the black hole of posting, reading posts and comments, where there is no other reality and where no serious writing projects get done because blogging is just too damn much fun
  • Having things you wrote appear in weird boxes like this even when you don’t want them to.

7.       The last website I visited:

I did medical research just now here:  http://www.theslanket.com/

 8.      What is the one thing I would change about myself:

My liposuction appointment is on Wednesday, so I’m working on that one.

9.       Slankets…yes or no?

Absolutely.  How can I possibly resist something that will keep me warm AND fed while I fulfill my duty as a couch potato?

"Nicks Lunch" (no apostrophe) available for $29.99 at TheSlanket.com


10.   Tell us something about the person who tagged you:

Lori of Sunny Side Up likes to give me stuff.  She gave me my first award, the Liebster , which is for blogs with fewer than 100 followers. (I have dubbed it “The Award for Blogs Nobody Reads.” But that caption has NOT caught on.)

But Lori is unfailingly happy, optimistic, sunny.  And I thought the world of her until she was Fresh Pressed and I wasn’t.

Seriously Lori.  Don’t try that FP trick again.  Cause I’m watchin’ you.

Now, according to the chain letter, meme tradition, I am supposed to name folks who can carry on this chain letter  tradition.  But I am a non-traditionalist, so I figure I’ll give an open invitation to anyone who wants to tell about themselves, who needs a list to do it with, and who has strong feelings about slankets.

Go For It!

********

Sometimes blogging is an enriching, uplifting experience.  Sometimes, in researching a post, I learn strange and wonderful things.  But today I realized something frightening.  If a meme is “a unit for carrying cultural ideas, symbols or practices,” our culture is doomed.  And all because of blogs.  Remember the Slankets.  And be afraid.  Because the fall of civilization and society always follows when a society forgets how to dress nicely.

 

You too can decrease the surplus population -- and for only $29.99 at http://shop.theslanket.com


 

 

48 Comments

Filed under Awards, Childhood Traumas, Climate Change, Global Warming, Humor, Word Press

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January 17, 2012 · 0:00

People My Age

Well, it’s my birthday.  And I have a problem.

You might have noticed it yourself.  You may even have asked me about it.  Or wondered in stoic silence.   “Whatever will she do?” you asked yourself.  I am sure it has been weighing on you — heavily.  As well it should.

“FiftyFourAndAHalf,” that’s the problem.  It’s right up there at the top of the page.  Yup, the blog’s name.   I called it that in a fit of pique at the GOP who were going to take Medicare away from everyone under 55.  Starting with me.  It seemed grossly unfair when I was younger.  Like, you know, six months ago.

But, ummmm.  I’m not FiftyFourAndAHalf anymore.  I’m not even FiftyFourAndThreeQuarters, either — the name my son, Jacob, has been calling me.   Because my 55th birthday is here.  I tried to stop it, but, well, I failed.  My bad.

I didn’t know what to do.  I thought of taking a poll:

 

 

I must admit I was afraid of your answers.  More importantly, I was afraid that I had more poll questions than readers.

But then I saw this:

John Gorka, singing “People My Age”

It helped me make my decision.  It stiffened my resolve.  I wish I had thought of it sooner.  Like 20 years ago.  But back then, I didn’t know that people my age had started looking gross.

So I’m not going on to FiftyFive.  I don’t want to be my age, because people my age have started looking gross. 

I’m sticking with FiftyFourAndAHalf.

Man! I look better already.

107 Comments

Filed under Childhood Traumas, Climate Change, Elections, Family, Humor, Music, Science, Stupidity

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January 2, 2012 · 0:00

The Envelope Please, Part II

There’s a reason I got crap presents for Christmas this year.  I’ve been a bad girl.  All throughout the month of December, I failed to pass on awards that I received.

Santa, I can explain!  For the rest of you, just sit back and set a spell.  It’s gonna be a long night.

Now Santa, what with all the stuff I had to do for Christmas, and actually trying to keep my job and neurotically trying to get to 5,000 hits on my blog by New Year’s (I made it!), well, I just didn’t have time to really think about these awards.

Now, some folks don’t like these awards, and that’s OK.  I’m giving it to you anyway.  Get over it.

Me, I think it is nice to be appreciated, and it gives me an excuse to really look at the blogs I read, to see who is doing what.  I also tried, I really tried to NOT give an award to someone who already has it.  But since, like me, hardly anybody knows how to get those little pictures over at the side of their blogs, it’s hard to tell.  That’s why I did a special page for my awards – not because I am such a snob (well, yes I am, but that’s not the reason I did it).  It was because I got nominated for one award six times and felt that was the only way I could let you know.

So here are the awards I got, and the people I’m giving them to.  Happy New Year!

Two special mentions here.

First, my friend Delajus at Higher and Higher is a woman I met in an online writing course.  We became fast friends.  She tells me the truth about my writing.  She argues with me.  She never hits “like” because she can’t find the “this is crap” button.  She is a beginning blogger, and only writes when she has something important to share.  She writes beautifully and is one incredibly thoughtful and thought-provoking woman.

Nancy at notquiteold led me directly or indirectly to the whole gang of folks I now consider my blogging buddies.  She wrote a comment on Crabby Old Fart that was funny, perceptive and right on target.  So I clicked on her blog and found a wonderful site.  Whenever I see that she has a new post, I wait until I have time to read it and synthesize it.  Her posts are often about ordinary things in which she finds humor, whimsy and love.  I started clicking on her commenters, and that’s how I found most of the rest of you.

As I said, I tried to look and see what blog awards folks have received, and give them ones they haven’t gotten yet.  If I left you out, I didn’t mean it.  Please let me know and I will rectify.  Because my birthday is coming up and I don’t want no more crappy gifts!

Candle Lighter Award (Thanks to Ardinam at Being Arindam)

My friend Arindam awarded me the Candle Lighter Award a couple of weeks ago.  There are no rules here, I get to award it to as many people as I choose.

Higher and Higher

An Observant Mind

Articles of Absurdity

Aurora Morealis

Georgette Sullins’s Blog

life is a bowl of kibble

notquiteold

Prairie Wisdom

RVingGirl

Sandy like a Beach

Sleep deprived and insane

Sunny Side Up

Undercover Surfer

Winsomebella

 Awesome Blog Content Award (Thanks to Susan at Susan Writes Precise)

This one is simple – to ‘accept’ the award you just add the abc award logo to your blog – the links are at the bottom of this page for you… and then you can share something about yourself with your readers and then pass the award on to other worthy bloggers – there’s no limit to how few – or how many – other bloggers you can send this to.

To share something about yourself – you will need to go through the alphabet and choose a word or phrase for each letter and use that to describe yourself – it might be something about you, something you like, or a place or thing you dream about. And that’s all – no long descriptions or detail – just create a new post, add your shiny new blog award badge and alphabet words and let your readers enjoy finding out a little more about you.  Like Susan, I will do that separately.

So here are my choices:

Higher and Higher

An Observant Mind

Georgette Sullins’s Blog

Childhood Relived

MJ Monaghan

Renovating Rita

Susan Writes Precise – because she’s good AND because of the post she did on the Penis Museum

Undercover Surfer

Winsomebella

Year-Struck

 Kreative Blogger Award (Thanks to Janice at Aurora Morealis)

 

Kreative Blogger Award started in 2008 when an Norwegian Lady named Hulda uses fabrics to create the first Kreative Blogger logo, and gave it to her sister and 3 other friends who she thought are creative. Her sister and friends passed the logo on to other bloggers whom they liked, and thus the trend began.

Today the Kreative Blogger Award logo has evolved, and along with the award that comes with some rules:

  • The Kreativ Blogger image must be displayed on the blog.
  • The nominator must be acknowledged.
  • The recipient must state ten things about himself that his readers probably don’t know.
  • The recipient must pass the award along by nominating at least six blogs to receive the award.

And the envelope, please:

An Observant Mind

AFrankAngle

Childhood Relived

Good Humored

MJ Monaghan

Sandy like a Beach

Year-Struck

 One Lovely Blog Award (Thanks to Janice at Aurora Morealis)

One Lovely Blog Award Rules:

  1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.
  2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.
  3. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

The envelope, please:

An Observant MInd

Being Arindam

life is a bowl of kibble

Prairie Wisdom

Renovating Rita

RVingGirl

Sleep deprived and insane

Sunny Side Up

Winsomebella

The Versatile Blogger Award (Thanks to Janice at Aurora Morealis and Prairie Wisdom)

The Rules for The Versatile Blogger Award:

  1. Thank and link back to the person that gave you the award.
  2. Share seven things about yourself.
  3. Pass the award to fifteen bloggers that you think deserve it. (Elyse here – there is lots of room.  But many of my blogging buddies have already received this one)
  4. Lastly, contact all of the bloggers that you’ve picked for the award.

The envelope, please:

Being Arindam

Magsx2′s Blog

MJ Monaghan

She’s a Maineiac

psychodynamom

The Red Educational Shoe Award (Thanks to Lorre at Articles of Absurdity)

For this one, I first need crutches if I am expected to walk in that shoe.  I also need to pass it on to 5 supportive commenters.  OK, so I can’t count.

The envelope, please:

Childhood Relived

Emjayandthem

Higher and Higher

notquiteold

Sleep deprived and insane

psychodynamom

She’s a Maineiac

Year-Struck

So, Santa, you see, I’ve been busy.  But I am having a great time reading and commenting and sharing laughs with all of you guys.  Thanks for reading my stuff, too!

OK, everybody.  Wake up and look for your website.

62 Comments

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December 26, 2011 · 0:00

A Different “End”

If I’d known that I would spend “Boxing Day” with my head stuck in a toilet, I would have at least had way more to drink on Christmas Day.

And researching how to retrieve something that was accidentally flushed down the toilet was not the way I planned to spend my day off, either.  But hey, I’m always game.   Besides, it may just keep my marriage intact.  And with enough time, anything becomes a good story.  Just maybe not today.

And more annoyingly, I will have to begrudgingly admit that John is right.  Kind of.  My husband is the only man on the planet who not only doesn’t leave the toilet seat up, he even closes the lid.  I consider this to be superhuman behavior.  How can he possibly remember to do that?  Oh yeah, he’s looking at it the whole time he’s there, more often than not.  I have a totally different vantage point.

Besides, I grew up with two brothers, a father, two sisters and a mother in a house with one bathroom.  For me as long as there IS a toilet and it is not engaged, I’m game.

Over the years, it’s become a bit of an issue between John and me.  He has never given up, not even after 25 years.  He preaches, “Close the seat!” and I ignore.

“Dirt, Spray, Germs!” he complains.

“Access!” I respond.  And as someone with a 40 year history of bowel trouble, I win.

John finds comfort elsewhere.  The guest bathroom.  Many female guests have peed on the floor when they wander into our bathroom in the middle of the night and sat down on the pot.  I began keeping the mop there, so no one has to own up to it in the morning.  But I digress.

You see, in the wee hours of Christmas/not-Christmas night, I did the unthinkable in my husband’s eyes.  I changed the roll of toilet paper.  With the seat up.

There are now two of three pieces of the spindle on the bathroom counter.  I wonder where the third piece could possibly be …

So, now that my research is done, I know that I need a thing called a “closet auger.”

Then I need to spend a whole lot of time in the bathroom without John figuring out what happened.  Because, while I will spend my day with my head in a toilet, I ain’t gonna eat crow.

29 Comments

Filed under Family, Humor, Uncategorized

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