A Different “End”

If I’d known that I would spend “Boxing Day” with my head stuck in a toilet, I would have at least had way more to drink on Christmas Day.

And researching how to retrieve something that was accidentally flushed down the toilet was not the way I planned to spend my day off, either.  But hey, I’m always game.   Besides, it may just keep my marriage intact.  And with enough time, anything becomes a good story.  Just maybe not today.

And more annoyingly, I will have to begrudgingly admit that John is right.  Kind of.  My husband is the only man on the planet who not only doesn’t leave the toilet seat up, he even closes the lid.  I consider this to be superhuman behavior.  How can he possibly remember to do that?  Oh yeah, he’s looking at it the whole time he’s there, more often than not.  I have a totally different vantage point.

Besides, I grew up with two brothers, a father, two sisters and a mother in a house with one bathroom.  For me as long as there IS a toilet and it is not engaged, I’m game.

Over the years, it’s become a bit of an issue between John and me.  He has never given up, not even after 25 years.  He preaches, “Close the seat!” and I ignore.

“Dirt, Spray, Germs!” he complains.

“Access!” I respond.  And as someone with a 40 year history of bowel trouble, I win.

John finds comfort elsewhere.  The guest bathroom.  Many female guests have peed on the floor when they wander into our bathroom in the middle of the night and sat down on the pot.  I began keeping the mop there, so no one has to own up to it in the morning.  But I digress.

You see, in the wee hours of Christmas/not-Christmas night, I did the unthinkable in my husband’s eyes.  I changed the roll of toilet paper.  With the seat up.

There are now two of three pieces of the spindle on the bathroom counter.  I wonder where the third piece could possibly be …

So, now that my research is done, I know that I need a thing called a “closet auger.”

Then I need to spend a whole lot of time in the bathroom without John figuring out what happened.  Because, while I will spend my day with my head in a toilet, I ain’t gonna eat crow.


Filed under Family, Humor, Uncategorized

29 responses to “A Different “End”

  1. JSD

    Funny, funny post. I must admit to being one of those mothers who, being the only female in the house, insisted that the lid be kept down. It was a protective measure because otherwise they wouldn’t lift anything up, and I would be sitting in or on their pee. Yuck!


  2. Hope it all worked out!


  3. Thanks, MJ. I’m afraid I need more than luck, though. The auger failed :(. A plumber it shall be!


  4. Elyse, yet another well-spun tale! I like your husband’s style. I always leave the seat down out of courtesy to my lovely bride, but not the top. For the very reason you mention, with middle of the night issues! 🙂

    Good luck with the auger.


  5. Thanks Karyn — hope you had a good holiday!


  6. Wonderful! Not so much for you of course, but thoroughly enjoyable for me! I applaud your husbands behavior, mine does do the seat, and I thought that was impressive, yours outshines him!


  7. It’s really funny or i may say, it’s a reality which is funny. 🙂 Your husband is really a nice man. As i feel not many men care about lid’s position too much. 🙂
    Great post!!
    Do not ever put the lid down and let the fun continues… 🙂


    • You’re right — not many men care. His “perfection” only goes so far, though. He NEVER changes the TP roll! Then again, that’s how the whole thing started, so maybe he is even smarter than I think!

      Thanks for your comment!


  8. Ha ha ha – that is SO something I’d do! (try to fix it without anyone finding out why … )

    Hilarious! MJ


  9. My husband keeps the lid down too. And he has a well thought out reason: He doesn’t want to the cat drink from it. Gotta love him for considering T-Bob.
    Good luck with the closet thing-a-ma-jig and I hope it does the job…’er since it’s 12/27, did it do the job?


    • Good for your husband — but he doesn’t get into the Guinness book for that!

      And nope, the thing-y didn’t work, my husband found out AND I’m expecting to need a plumber in the near future. There goes all the money I saved sticking to my Christmas budget …

      C’est la vie, c’est la garre, c’est la merde!


  10. I am in shock he does that. Mine has never ever put the lid down a single time since I met him 14 years ago! I am the one who is always talking about the germs and stuff. ha!


    • Yup, John has all sorts of unusual behaviors. One of which is to not read my blog so that I am free to write anything I want to about him.
      Gotta love him for that alone!


  11. A husband who closes the lid? Call Guinness Records. Let this be a lesson…leave the paper changing duties to him, which is what I do. Problem solved. Maybe, you’ve started a new tradition: snake out your toilet for Boxing Day. Sounds like a Hallmark event.


    • I DID call Guinness, but they didn’t believe me. They gave me some beer though.

      And I AM hoping to have the film version of my day out by next Christmas. Bah! Humbug.


  12. Your husband is setting the bar WAY too high. Tell him to stop it. Please.


    • I will continue to fight the good fight. Sorry if he reflects badly on mere mortals. He’s also very smart, so he is infuriatingly ALWAYS RIGHT. It is his most annoying feature.


  13. RVingGirl

    MY husband is totally anal (excuse the pun) about keeping the toilet seat closed too. He says it has a lid for a purpose plus you never know what you may lose down there. Perhaps when he was a kid he lost something down the toilet because in our 41 years of marriage we have not lost anything. It would seem your brilliantly hilarious post; however, proves that it can still happen.
    Happy Boxing day. It is cold and windy and rainy here on the island today….burrrr going down to 58 degrees tonight,


    • If it’s 58 degrees down there, I am NOT moving in.

      I didn’t think there was another anal compulsive man like John. Maybe that’s why we get along. Or why we both lose ourselves in blogging!


  14. LMAO. Reality is pretty funny. Good luck with the toilet.


  15. Hey, great post! You’re still writing, even over Christmas vacation! I gotta hand it to you, but I’m awfully glad I’m not there to play nurse to your doctor (toilet doctor, that is — as in ‘hand me the long-nosed pliers, nurse! I can’t quite reach the closet auger!” Good luck!


    • Well, given that I did need someone to “hand it to me” I wish you HAD been there. Perhaps then I would have been successful.

      Home-ownership is a never-ending adventure!


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