Tag Archives: Campaigning

Idiot Wind

Damn it!  My most recent pipe dream has just come crashing down around my ears.

You know, the one where I become a wildly successful, NY Times bestselling novelist because of the incredible stories I make up out of a combination of thin air, personal experience and plagiarism?

Yeah, that dream.

And it came crashing down because I must accept the fact that life is so much more colorful than anything I could make up.  Yup, life is just wayyyyyy more exciting than my stories.   Real life, especially during the runup to an election in the United States is in fact, completely surreal.

So don’t be rushin’ around to the bookstore.  You’ll be disappointed.

What was it that forced reality into my otherwise happy existence?

Naturally, it was something I read.  And while I am still drooling in shock, I am just not quite sure what it all means.  I mean, how will things turn out?  Because you see, I just read, that the women’s vote, which I’ve been counting on to get Obama over the edge, will be determined by where women are in their menstrual cycle.   I had thought that, well, thought might play a role.  But I guess not.

Apparently, it’s true.  It’s been studied!  So it must be right, right?

First of all, you won’t hear me comment on the fact that this study was conducted in Texas.  Nope.  Not one word.  Total and absolute silence on the study’s lone star status.

The study was conducted by Kristina Durante at U of T.

 

Jimmy Durante and Pumpkin

The study presented the results of an internet survey of 502 women with regular menstrual cycles and who were not using hormone-based contraceptives (the pill, the patch and the like).

The researchers found that during the fertile time of the month, when levels of the hormone estrogen are high, single women appeared more likely to vote for Obama and committed women appeared more likely to vote for Romney, by a margin of at least 20%, Durante said. This seems to be the driver behind the researchers’ overall observation that single women were inclined toward Obama and committed women leaned toward Romney.  [Yeah, that’s my emphasis. How could I let you miss that gem?]

That’s ’cause, according to Durante (Kristina not Jimmy), women are feeling sexier, which of course makes them sluttier in my mind or, in Durante’s it makes them:

“lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality.”

In other important research, Durante has also studied your period’s impact on other vital decisions, like your shopping choices.

When you go to Vote,

Go feeling really slutty

Vote a Straight Democratic Ticket!

*     *     *

I found this fascinating information on Daily Kos, where I find some of the best stuff.  They found it at CNN!  Yup, CNN, “The Most Trusted Name In News!”  For some reason, though, CNN took down the link.

But here is the link Kos provided.  Cause you really don’t want to miss this one.

You’re welcome.

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Filed under Books, Campaigning, Criminal Activity, Elections, Family, Humor, Law, Politics, Science, Stupidity, Voting

The Sequel

I’ve told you before:  I know these folks.  I grew up where the book was written and the movies filmed.  So I know all about these gals.

They don’t look or act any different in person than on TV.  They are molded this way from a special polymer.  From the earliest vestiges of childhood, they know their part.  They walk a little differently than you and me, they talk a little differently.  They stand a little differently.  The nose is up, the eyes are either scornful when looking at you and me, or doe-eyed, when looking at Daddy or Hubby or money or jewels.

Yes, here they are:

Did you hear that they’re coming out with a sequel?  GOP Stepford Wives!  Just look at the cast!  Perfect!

Ann “I smell liberals” Romney gets top billing.  This year, anyway.

And who can forget Cindy “Let them eat cake” McCain from 2008?

My shoes cost more than you make in a year!

They follow Laura “I should have married Jeb” Bush

How long do I have to smile?

And Nancy “I started this doe-eyed look, so honor me” Reagan

There will also be appearances by some who chose their spouses poorly:

Calista “I am the third wife of a serial cheater and hypocrite, pity me” Gingrich

Calista is still waiting to use that adoring look during Newt’s first State of the Union Address. With luck, she’ll wait forever.

And, there will be an appearance by the GOP’s token Female Candidate, Michele Bachmann

I want to be mayor of Stepford and make more women become just like me — certifiable.

I can’t wait to see this movie.  I’m betting the popcorn will be plastic, too.

[All photos are from Google, my God.]

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Filed under Awards, Campaigning, Conspicuous consumption, Elections, Fashion, Humor, Hypocrisy, Politics

Hot Diggity Dog!

I grew up poor and white on the Gold Coast of Connecticut in Fairfield County.  Yes, I grew up surrounded by beautiful mansions of the very rich.  My family?  We were really poor.  One bathroom, share-a-bedroom poor.  No heat those first few winters-poor.  Clothes that weren’t hand-me-downs were bought at Barkers, the local discount department store.  Way before saving money and Targét became cool.  Barkers was decidedly not cool.

The Gold Coast. That house on the left behind the trees has a ballroom. Literally. They held Cinderella balls there. Or Gatsby balls. They didn’t invite this guttersnipe, though.

We never complained.  Not that we didn’t want to, but it did no good.  Once, my sister Judy complained:

“None of my friends have to buy their Easter dresses at Barkers,” she began to whine.  She stopped when she saw that Dad had overheard her.  She knew what was coming.  So did I.

Well,” said Dad, “you’ve never gone to bed hungry, have you?”

Judy and I exchanged looks.  It was coming.  The hot dog story.  That was the reason we never moaned aloud about our penury.  We knew we’d have to hear the hot dog story.  Again. And we’d have to figure out what “penury” meant.

“When I was your age,” Dad continued,  (Judy and I tried not to look bored)   “When I was your age,” he repeated, “the Depression was on.  My Dad, your grandfather, who built some of the houses around here, couldn’t find work.  No one was building.  No one was hiring.  No one was paying for anything.  No matter how hard anyone was willing to work, there was no work.  No way to feed the family.”

“There were seven of us.  And I remember being hungry.  Going to bed with an empty stomach because I made sure that my mother would have half of my share.  Whatever we had.  One night I remember I had to go to the store to get two hot dogs.  That night, there were two hot dogs and some beans for dinner.  And that was a feast.  For seven of us.”

The story never had the impact on us that Dad intended.  It made us roll our eyes.  It made us certain that he was exaggerating.  It made us feel embarrassed that he was even more poor then than we were now.

Of course we didn’t go to bed hungry.  We lived in America.  Duh!   Kids don’t go to bed hungry here!  Jezum Crow!

But you know, our friends were oblivious to the idea that there were things that folks like us couldn’t afford.  They didn’t understand why we weren’t jetting off to the Caribbean or to Europe or to Disney the way they did.  They didn’t understand that we couldn’t be in the school play because we couldn’t afford the special (very expensive) skirts that became the von Trapp children’s outfits that were supposed to come from Maria’s drapes.  That we couldn’t even bear to ask our parents for it.

Lack of money was something that our friends simply had never experienced.  They weren’t intentionally callous, they just didn’t get it. It was like trying to explain music to a someone who had never been able to hear.  Possible, but challenging. And it took a lot of work.

Now I tell you this story so you know that I have been surrounded by rich people.  So I’m familiar with just how completely oblivious folks can be if they have never had to live on nothing more than two hot dogs and some beans.

Today, I would give anything to have Dad deliver his hot dog lecture.  And I know just who needs to hear it.

You see, today I read an interesting article about Ann and Mitt Romney, and how poor they once were.  Yes, it’s true.  Mitt and Ann were once poor. Ann said so in an interview in 1994!

I was astonished.  Aghast.  I wished I had a couple of hot dogs to offer them. (Sadly, they now have a “no dogs” policy.)

Ann tells the gut-wrenching story about how they once lived in a basement apartment with no carpeting.  They had to eat tuna and pasta.  They didn’t entertain.  They struggled.  They had to sell stock to pay the bills!

Yes, the poor Romneys.  [Hanky, please!]  All they had to live off was the stock that Mitt’s Dad had given him for his birthdays.  Stock that had started at $6 per share but ended up at over $90.  And, hard swallow here, Mitt and Ann were chipping away at the principle!  Eating their seed corn!  Whatever would become of them?

Imagine that.  Just imagine having to sacrifice so much.

So I totally get how big-hearted they must be.  How they understand the plight of the working poor, how they understand the sacrifices needed to achieve success.

Because all you really need to do to succeed in today’s world is to get stock from your parents.  Duh.

Mitt and Ann in rags. Very formal rags.

Related articles:  http://www.samefacts.com/2012/01/income-distribution/mitt-romney-and-ann-the-students-struggling-so-much-that-they-had-to-sell-stock/

*     *    *

As a kid, I really did feel like I was poor.  But I wasn’t.  As an adult, I learned that there really were poor people, people who went to bed hungry and whose children went to bed hungry.
I also learned that “The Poor” does not include folks who live by selling bits and pieces of their stock portfolio.  There is a big difference, and it’s not just in perception.  It’s in reality.

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Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Elections, Family, Fashion, Humor, Hypocrisy, Politics, Stupidity

Don’t hang up!

As you can probably tell, there is little I like more than humiliating myself.  Repeatedly.  It makes for great stories.

So today I’m going to up the ante.  Go deep into ritual humiliation.  Voluntarily.  With my eyes and my ego open.

Yup, I’m going to phone bank for political candidates.  Barak Obama, Tim Kaine (VA Senate) and Kristin Cabral (VA-House).

I expect a lot of this:

“Hi, my name is Ely …” click.

But sometimes I’ll get through.  And when I do, well, it’s a great feelingI am participating in Democracy.  Helping to make my country a better place.  I am convincing folks that they should vote for the people I think are best for that office.  And I am pretty good at it.

Some people won’t want to listen.  Some will have gotten a zillion calls already.  Some will be in the bathroom.  Some will hang up.

Others will be disillusioned.  Or disappointed.

So why do I do it?  You know why if you read my blog.  I am a bit opinionated, you see.  But the thing I believe in most strongly is our democracy.  Our right to vote.  Because, as I keep saying

ELECTIONS MATTER

And if I can help get a few more votes for candidates I believe in, get folks who need to register, registered, transport folks to the polls who couldn’t otherwise get there, then I’m making a difference.  ME!  I’m taking an active part in the process of making things better in our country.  Because I have done my best to help make my vision of what kind of a country we should have become a reality.

But I really do it for the stories.  I always come away with great stories.

There was the time in 2006 when I was working on Jim Webb’s Senate primary.

The man said “I just want to beat George Allen, but I think both candidates are the same.  I’m just going to flip a coin when I get to the polls.”

“Well then,” I responded, “you’d better take a two-headed coin, with Jim Webb’s head on both sides.  Because Webb is only the one of these two guys who has a chance to beat incumbent Senator George Allen.  If you want to get rid of Allen, vote for Webb.  Now and in November.”

He promised me his vote, both times, of course.  And it was entirely due to my phone call and my coin flip line.  I put Jim Webb in the Senate.  You’re welcome.

I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that George Allen showed himself to be a bigot.  (George Allen is running for Senate in Virginia again.  He is still a bigot.)

 

There was also the call in 2008 when I was working on Obama’s presidential campaign.  I was calling registered voters:

“Hi, my name is Elyse and I’m calling from Obama for President HQ.  Do you have a second to talk with me.”

“Sure,” said the man on the other end.

“Thanks, I appreciate your time. I just have a couple of questions.  First, are you planning to vote Tuesday?”

“I always vote.”

“Me too.  May I ask if you’ll be supporting Barak Obama for President?”

“I’d like to, but I was a mid-shipman with John McCain at the Naval Academy in Annapolis.  I have to give him my vote,” he said.

“You were at school with Senator McCain?”  I couldn’t resist, I had to ask.   “I bet you did better academically than he did!”

The man got a little less chatty just then.  “Well, I was actually a few years ahead of McCain.  I graduated fifth from the bottom, too.

Political work can be fun and fulfilling.  And the stories are the bonus. I will be telling these and other stories to my grandchildren.  Of course if the Republicans continue destroying the education system, I will also have to teach them history.

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Have you ever done political calls?  Canvassing?  Worked the polls?  Got a story?  Send it to me at fifty.four.and.a.half@gmail.com.  I will collect and post stories throughout the campaign season.  And if you get a fun call from someone, send that to me too.

And remember — Elections matter.  VOTE.

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Filed under Campaigning, Elections, History, Humor, Law, Politics, Voting, Writing