December 19, 2011 · 0:00

So these two guys are walking along …

It’s a bit early for this, but today I figured out my New Year’s Resolution.  I’m going to stop eavesdropping on other people’s conversations.

I haven’t quite figured out how to manage it, though.  I could use those smushy waxy earplugs to stop up my ears.  Or “noise cancelling” headphones might do the trick.  Worse comes to worse, I could just be overzealous with the old Q-Tips one morning.

But somehow I have to stop hearing stupid people talking to each other.   It’s not my fault that it happens.  I’m pretty sure it’s genetic.  My father used to say that if there was a “weirdo” in the room, the weirdo would seek Dad out.  That’s true for me too.

Like today.  All I did was walk out the back door of my building to the salad bar next door, when the conversation of two men behind me caught my ear.

“…you only need to tune it every five years.”  Said the first. I’ll call him “Mr. O.”   “It just costs you $500 every five years.  Really holds its value.”

“Whoa!”  I thought.  “A car you can ignore for five years?  This I have to hear.”

But the two guys were not going to the salad bar next door.  They continued on past it.  I really wanted to hear about that car – it’s such a pain getting service around here.  So I kept walking in front of them, coatless, on a pretty nippy December day.  Yes, I’m an idiot.

“When you’re going to invest that much money,” continued Mr. O, “you want to get your money’s worth.  And you get it with an Omega.”

“An Omega?” I thought.  Now John loves to talk cars, and while I don’t really listen, I do get some information by osmosis.  “I’ve never heard of an Omega.”

“I don’t think you can go wrong with a Rolex,” said Mr. R.

“What the F—-!  I’m freezing my butt off to listen in on two rich guys going on about their ridiculous, overpriced watches.  Can you say “conspicuous consumption”?  Now try it with your bloomin’ teeth chattering.

“No, an Omega is the way I’m going,”  Responded Mr. O.  “If I’m going to ask my wife for a $15,000 watch, I want an Omega.”

Now, as I shivered, I tried to imagine who needed a $15K watch.  Were they marine biologists needing a watch that would keep on ticking while the dove 20,000 leagues under the sea?  Were they astronauts, who needed a special watch for some reason I’ll never comprehend?  Were they simply close to Newt Gingrich and therefore got to tap into that Tiffany’s account?

By this point, I still hadn’t seen them.  But I was dying to.  Did Mr. Omega look like this:

Omega Ad with George Clooney (Thanks, Google Images!)

Did Mr. Rolex look like this?

Sly Stallone -- not my type, but still .... (Thanks again Google Images)

Nope.  They looked more like this:

Abbott & Costello, probably wearing Timex (Google, you've done it again!)

Me, I looked at my cheapo watch, and realized that I’d been outside in the cold for 20 minutes.  But hey, saved money today by eavesdropping.  By the time I’d finished listening, I was too nauseous to eat lunch.

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December 17, 2011 · 0:00

Not on my list …

I was in a toy store recently, when the clerk handed a plastic bag containing a toy to the woman in front of me, and said “Thank you, Merry Christmas” to the woman.

To my surprise, she did NOT say “Your Welcome!”  She did not respond “Merry Christmas to you too!”  Nor did she say “Have a good day!” as required in retail nowadays.

Nope, she collapsed onto one knee and said “Thank the Lord.”

“Oh sweet Jesus,” I thought.

Her husband glared at me as if to say in a very Christian way:   “You wanna make something out of it?”

I shook my head, and proceeded to pay for the toy I was buying.  I didn’t thank God for it, because I don’t really think that God cares if I bought my new nephew the Spot book or the one with the fuzzy pages.

Nope, I thanked the clerk for helping me and went on to my next errand.

I didn’t fall to my knees to thank God.  I have a bad knee.

But this morning I was wondering what toy was so hard to come by that it resulted in prayer.  So of course, I Googled.  And was I surprised at what I found.

I didn’t find the “Tickle me Elmo” shortage this year.  Nope, nothing of the sort.  Toys all seem to be in good supply.

But I did find that one place of business is offering a different slant on Christmas this year.  It’s in Chicago, so you won’t be finding me there this year.  OR MY HUSBAND.

You see, The Admiral Theatre, a strip club, is offering a free lap dance for anyone bringing in a new, unwrapped gift to be donated to charity.

Do you think all the girls wear Santa hats beards? More importantly, are they fat and jolly?

I bet there is a man or two who would get down on his knees to pray for that.

 

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December 15, 2011 · 0:00

Such a Choice!

OK, I am over, so over, being depressed at Christmas.  It’s all because of my previous post, Both Sides Now, which, I am not kidding, cheered me up no end.  Sorry it depressed the hell out of you.  My bad.

So even though I am no longer depressed because it is Christmas, there is still too much to do.  So I am still crabby.  I have no elves.  I would be jolly if I could simply order someone else to do everything. I need elves.

Without elves, I’ve decided that I need a change.  Can I please become Jewish for a bit?  Buddhist?  Muslim (oh, dear, not in the U.S.)  Oy vey.

Oh, well there you have it.  Jewish it is.

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December 13, 2011 · 0:00

SevenBySeven

Last week, Georgette Sullins nominated me for the

I am honored — Thanks Georgette.  I appreciate your thinking of me!  I think that just about everyone who reads my blog (both of you) reads Georgette’s.  It is one of my personal favorites and was one of the first sites I found when I was looking for folks to read.

One of the things that I must do in accepting this award is tell something that nobody knows about me.  My secret is that I have a friend, Delajus.  The fact that I have a friend, isn’t completely shocking.  But my friend has helped me and my writing enormously, particularly at the beginning.  Because she is one of the few people I know who will honestly say: “Ummm, Elyse?  That’s not funny.”  Other people do say that, but I ignore them.  For some reason, I often listen to Delajus.  Annoyingly, she’s usually right.

Now, the 7×7 award demands work.  I’ve been away, and it has taken me a few days to figure out what to say, because I need to look at my stuff, and the stuff others have written and make some choices.  I HATE choices.  But here they are:

Most beautiful piece.  This was the easiest to figure out, because I don’t write “beautiful.”  Well, not normally, anyway.  But I think that Happy Adoption Day would qualify.  There was not a bit of snark in that piece, so in addition to it being my most beautiful, it would qualify as most surprising.  But hey, I will only count it once.

Most helpful.  An easy question:  A Better Way– which outlines, ummm, a better way to choose the GOP nominee for president.  Even though we have gone through 2 (or is it 3?  4?) GOP frontrunners in the weeks since I posted it, well, it is still a better way.

Most popular. Thanksgiving Weekend, I was busy, had company, and had been doing a lot of cooking.  But when I took the night off and read the directions for the frozen dinner I was preparing, well, I had to post:  Too much information.  That got the most hits of any piece I wrote.  I did not tweak it, I just plopped it in the slot and hit publish.  Go figure.

Most controversial.  An early piece, I recommended what we should do with stupid people.  My destination for them, though, was controversial:  Manitoba Bound.

Most surprisingly successful.  Great Balls of Fire.  Folks seemed to like reading about my new neighbor, and his Civil War fantasy.  My husband still expects him to read this piece and, umm, retaliate.

Most underrated.  Hmmmmm.  I could link to the “My Favs” block up there on the right.  Those are the ones I did way back, oh, six months ago when I started this blog.  That was when I chose every word with extreme care, and edited and re-edited to an anal degree.  Of those, I would say Downsizing is possibly my favorite.

Most pride worthy.  …comes around or Gunsmoke.   Sorry, I can’t decide.  “…comes around”  is very personal.  “Gunsmoke” is more of a national issue.  You choose.  Well, if you read them, that is!

****************************

So, who to nominate? These are bloggers I follow who (1) are really good and (2) have not (as far as I can tell) already won this award:
  1. An Observant Mind:  She is one of my favorite bloggers – and had the audacity to take a month off.  She’s back, and as funny and thoughtful as ever.
  2. Childhood Relived .  Or is it Childhood Reviled?  One of the two.  While Angie is really hilarious, it is worth checking out her blog just to see the look on her face in the picture she has up on the right, where she sits next to her big brother.  I’m sure her parents were thrilled when the picture was developed.
  3. Prairie Wisdom.  PW is a varied blog — she writes practical things, she writes funny things, she writes about life.  Check out her blog.  It is always new and different and fun.
  4. Ramblings and Rumblings.  R&R is an irreverent and humorous person.  She mirrors my warped sense of politics and puts it into pictures.
  5. RVing Girl lives in Bermuda and her humor is often priceless.  Besides, I can’t hate her for living in Bermuda if I plan to move in with her one day …
  6. Sandy Like a Beach is another funny woman.  I guess you have to be if folks can’t figure out how to spell/say your name when it is “Sandy” and you need to explain it to them.  She has to be funny or become an ax murderer.  Wise choice, Sandy!
  7. Sunny Side Up.  Lori at Sunny Side Up’s blog is unfailingly cheerful, funny, and makes me feel good.  And her banner — with  a lovely image of Black-eyed Susans — makes me feel sunny, too. Besides, my Dad used to make me Sunny Side Up eggs which I always think of when I see that I have a new post from Lori.

Thanks again to Georgette who made my day by nominating me, even if it was a day a week ago.  But I had to put on my thinking cap to do this piece.  Not like usual.

***********

Well, apparently my thinking cap wasn’t good enough, because I forgot to mention what the 7 folks I mentioned just up there need to do to carry on the tradition.  It’s pretty simple:

  1. Tell something about yourself that no one knows;
  2. List 7 of your posts, including:  Most Beautiful; Most Helpful, Most Popular, Most Controversial, Most Surprisingly Successful, Most Underrated, and Most Prideworthy
  3. Nominate the next 7 bloggers to receive this award.

I’d like to add another:  Make sure you pass along these instructions to the folks who have to do it.  Letting the recipients know that you’ve nominated them helps, too!

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December 9, 2011 · 0:00

Fear of Flying

I don’t fly very much, and so I think I need some information from those of you who do.

First of all, where do you put your legs?  I ask this as a short person with practically non-existent legs.  My husband, who sports a nice long shapely pair himself, says that I don’t have legs, I have “stumps.”  And I take that comment exactly as he meant it – as an insult.  But I’m OK with being insulted, as he well knows.  You can say anything insulting to me at all, as long as it’s funny.  Non-funny insults hurt my feelings.  Funny ones I assume are jokes.  They are, aren’t they?

So I am sitting here with no place to put my stumps and wondering, hey, what do people who actually have LEGS do?  It is a question that will baffle man- and womankind for generations to come until we get our own individual George Jetson cars.

More importantly, though, is what to do in case of a crash.

Now, I am not afraid of flying.  Not at all.  I don’t worry about crashes except for when I look at those emergency instruction cards in the seat pocket in front of me.  The ones that tell me in the event of an emergency to get into the knee-chest position here in my seat, with my seatbelt ON.

Because if I were to try to do that while panicking because of an imminent disaster, well, I would hit my head on the seat in front of me and knock myself out.  There simply isn’t room to fold even my 5’2” body into that position.

So why do these so-called safety instructions instruct me to give myself a concussion?  I am so confused, and I don’t even remember practicing the knee-chest position or hitting my head.  I would remember, wouldn’t I?

Besides, even if I could get into that position in this seat, I’m sure I’d get stuck.  And even if not, I would certainly not be able to proceed to the nearest exit in that position — I would have to waddle.    Therefore I would not make it to the emergency exit in a timely fashion.  And after all, isn’t that really the goal here?

I actually think that these questions lead people to fear flying.  Another one that just occurred to me is “Hey, am I going to get arrested for writing about all of this on an airplane?”

And another thing.  E-Tickets.  I checked in early today from my office computer (here let me say to my boss, should she be reading this post, that I did it before work or during lunch or at some other time when I was not required to be working.  Really.  And did I tell you that you are the best boss ever?  I mean today.  I know I told you that yesterday.  And the day before.)

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  My e-ticket.  It worked great.  It gave me my boarding pass, information on the weather at my destination (Houston) and helpful hints on what to do when I get there.  Here is the list of their suggestions in the order they recommended them:

  1. Houston Metro Locksmith
  2. Museum of Fine Arts
  3. Wabash Antiques & Feed Store
  4. Occasions Fine Gifts

Now, I must say, that in traveling to Texas, the suggestion to go to a Feed Store is not altogether surprising.

But Damn!  I would never have thought of going to visit a locksmith.  What could be more fun!  More educational?  More appropriate for the state with the highest number of folks in prison!  Hopefully I’ll run into Rick Perry there at Houston Metro Locksmith.  So I really appreciate this tip, Continental Airways.  The only problem is, when I noticed where they wanted me to go, I laughed and spat red wine all over the address.  I will have to suck it off to find the place now.

Damn.

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